Girlfriend's ex keeps messaging her

deviladvocate · 06-12-2014 4:45pm #1

Hi guys, so here's my predicament...

I've been going out with a girl for about 8 months now, been steady for about 3 months.. I know she had been in contact now and again with her ex when we started seeing each other but as we got more serious she stopped talking to him. It sounded like they had a ****ty relationship from what she's told me, he was always lying to her and meeting other girls etc..

The problem is that as we were starting to get serious he sent her some inappropriate pictures one night.. Now she told me straight away about it and that was fine, obviously it wasn't her fault.. She said she was going to text him the next day and tell him off for it, but the next day came and she decided she'd rather just leave it, pretend it never happened...
And every now and then he will send her messages late at night saying he misses her, etc.. She always tells me about them, and I don't think she has any intention of doing anything with him, but her responses to him are always too nice.. Things like "Please don't send me messages this late" her reason is that he's going through some stuff nd she feels kinda sorry for him...

As I've said I don't think she has any intention of doing anything with him, but I'm starting to get pissed off that she's not really doing anything to put a stop to this...
Am I worrying too much about this or would I be within my rights to tell her that she has to stop responding to him/block him from messaging her or at least very blatantly tell him to stop contacting her or something along those lines?

Thanks for any help guys!!!

Meauldsegosha · 06-12-2014 5:46pm

No it would certainly not be within your rights to tell her that she has to stop responding to him/block him. What you can to is have an open and honest conversation with her, tell her the texts from her ex make you uncomfortable and let her decide what action is appropriate. You then have to respect her decision.

farmerjj · 06-12-2014 5:50pm

If she,s serious, she has to block his number,simple as.

Virgil° · 06-12-2014 6:10pm

The fact that shes being so open about it is a good sign i think OP.

As it is i think shes handling it reasonably well. As long as its not properly interfering in your relationship I'd be wary of putting your foot down here.

You could possibly mention to her that you don't think shes doing the ex any favours by replying, hard time or no, but I'd tread very carefully here and possibly just let it lie.

pookie82 · 06-12-2014 7:25pm

I'd have to mainly disagree with the above responses. It's great that she's open with you and tells you about them, but at this stage she needs to be more firm in telling him to leave her be, or better still, just block him so that they don't come through anymore.

I've been on the receiving end of this (your position) and it does nothing but cause ill ease and annoyance for the other person, hearing about the ex pop up on a regular basis, knowing they're saying they miss them or indicating they want them back blah blah. It'll wear you down eventually if it bothers you this much.

If I were you I'd tell her when she mentions it again how much it bothers you, and that you'd like her to be firmer in telling him to leave her alone - if indeed that's what she wants herself.

Unfortunately some people like to entertain this behaviour by not being as firm as they should because it's a nice ego boost to have someone constantly telling you they miss you, but it's disrespectful to your current relationship to allow it to continue, in my opinion. A simple "I've moved on and you need to too. It's not appropriate to tell me these things anymore" will suffice. It's all very PC to accept that your partner and their ex can keep regular touch and it's none of your business etc., but if this is the nature of their communication, that would seriously annoy me ... him saying he misses her and her treading softly softly and letting it carry on.

I'm sure I'll get slated for this because you're not "allowed" to tell your other half who they can and can't speak to but really, this is clear as day for me. If she has any consideration for what you two have she won't entertain it.

stuboy01 · 06-12-2014 7:41pm

Hi op. Had a similar issue a few years ago with my wife. A childhood ex fb friended her, which is fine, but soon it descended into inappropriate texts from him. Her phone at the time could not block and the service provider wouldn't block him either. Her initial way to des with it was to slap him down very firmly. This did not work. Indeed he seemed to love the reaction. The second method worked, she texted one of his messages back simply saying. "I will no longer reply to your messages". His messages continued for a week or so then stopped as he was getting no reaction. Op this guy I just looking for a reaction, any reaction. You should suggest she not reply any more.

Colser · 06-12-2014 10:42pm

I agree with pookie82 OP...Im sure that your girlfriend knows well how this affects you and I feel shes getting a boost from those txts...bet she wouldnt like it if it was the other way around though...

deviladvocate · 07-12-2014 9:39pm

Thanks for the responses guys, kinda confirmed what I'd already been thinking, I just wanted to make sure I'm not over reacting because this girl means the world to me and I don't want to fall out over anything stupid!

StripedBoxers · 09-12-2014 10:42am

Yeah I have to agree if your girlfriend knows you are unhappy about the texts, or nature of them then she should be doing more to stop them, either by blocking him or telling him not to send her such texts in future, although you can't tell/force her to do anything, she has to make that decision herself, but if she knows how it makes you feel etc. then she should do something about it.

Ethel · 09-12-2014 11:39pm

This isn't as simple as exes who remain friends and are catching up. He's sending her inappropriate messages and at inappropriate hours at night. He's clearly not over her, or doesn't know what he wants. She hasn't told him to stop these messages so its a green flag to him.

Now.. there is being honest and open, but this isn't it. I think she's getting a silly immature boost out of this and is enjoying your reaction.

If you love her, tell her so. But also tell her you won't tolerate mind games. If she wants to give your relationship a proper go she needs to put her foot down and stop these messages.

B.A._Baracus · 10-12-2014 3:58am

I'm going to be extremely blunt with this... But from what he has done he deserves a punch in the face.
He is trying to have sex with her. He doesnt give a crap if she has a new boyfriend (you). Of course not, he just wants 'his hole' (to use a very lowbrow expression) In fact what he has done has gone past insulting her but also insulting you.

If I was to put on your shoes? I would get his number and give him a very blunt call. If he does not stop? then that would be up to your personal character what you do next.

As for my personal character: whats mine is mine. I won't accept some prick sending inappropriate pictures (lets be honest his dick right) and continuing to send texts. I would put in him in his place and if he decides to not realise that warning. Then I would go about making him realise the situation.

Taltos · 10-12-2014 6:53am

HI Mr B.A._Baracus

I am going to be equally blunt here. Any further suggestions of violence in this forum will result in at least an infraction if not an outright ban.
Please read our charter before you post again, due to the nature of the issues here we moderate quite strictly all rule breaches.

Thanks
Taltos

B.A._Baracus · 10-12-2014 7:18pm

Yeah, you're right Taltos. It is against the rules. So i'll retract the violence comment

Op, give him a call. His actions have warrented it.

bee06 · 10-12-2014 9:04pm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Yeah, you're right Taltos. It is against the rules. So i'll retract the violence comment
Op, give him a call. His actions have warrented it.

Or he could treat his girlfriend like an adult and not a possession and talk to her about the issue and her deal with it.

Raminahobbin · 10-12-2014 9:08pm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Op, give him a call. His actions have warrented it.

Don't do this! If I was in the same situation and my BF called my ex, I'd be absolutely livid! It's not up to you to sort this out for her- you can talk to her, advise her, and explain how it's making you feel, but DO NOT interfere beyond that (unless asked to).

This is possibly an issue with your GF being a soft-hearted person who doesn't know how to enforce her boundaries properly and curb unwanted attention. Explaining to her that you are bothered by the texts and would really like them to stop will encourage her to put YOUR feelings above those of her ex. Tell her you're not happy for them to keep going the way they are (but be careful not to frame this like an ultimatum), and discuss options with her, which are, essentially, block him or ignore him. She might think she has other options, such as just put up with it until they stop, but talk through this with her and explain that whilst there is fuel for the fire, it won't stop.

She'll eventually harden to him, but it'll take her some time, and if you push her she might harden towards you instead.

B.A._Baracus · 11-12-2014 12:35am

bee06 wrote: »

Or he could treat his girlfriend like an adult and not a possession and talk to her about the issue and her deal with it.

Not gonna argue with him talking to his girlfriend about it. Of course he should bloody talk to her about it :pac:
But please dont twist words :rolleyes: This isnt about "possession" or "ownership" or anything like that. But I know why you said that because I used the words "whats mine is mine"

Bee, whats yours is yours in life. Whats mine is mine in life.
This ex-boyfriend doesnt care that she has a new boyfriend. He wants to sleep with her again. Not only has he continued to text and text her. He sent "inappropriate pictures" (lets be honest, his penis right?)
He actions have not only crossed a line with her (as she doesnt want to talk to him as the op states) but the actions have crossed the op.

Maybe its just me but when pictures are being sent then a line has really been crossed and politeness is thrown out the window.

deviladvocate · 18-12-2014 2:25am

Hi guys... so an update...

I confronted her about the messages he had been sending... Things went downhill really quickly! She insisted what she was doing wasn't wrong and that she was only replying to him to be nice, never tried to carry on conversation...
So I asked her could I see them to see if they were as bad as I thought... and it turned out much worse... They had been messaging each other much more than she had let on, with her beginning conversation a lot of the time..

Never mentioned it in the original post, but at the time of the inappropriate photos she told me she couldn't believe what had happened, because they hadn't spoke in ages, since soon after they broke up.... As I was going through her messages I found that this was complete lies, and he had been at her house just a week before, and they had been meeting up pretty regularly for months.. A lot of the messages she sent him said things like "I love you" and "I can't wait to see you" and she started many of the conversations asking was he free on any days so they could hang out...
She told me that they did hang out a few times, but that nothing ever happened, but obviously after the lies her word means nothing to me, and from those messages I find it incredibly hard to believe... (All this happened before we were going steady, but not very long beforehand, and she hasn't met up with him since we started going steady, but did continue to text him)

We haven't officially broken up yet, but I'm fairly sure this is the end... If anyone thinks there's any chance of this working, please explain, I could really use it right now!

I'm pretty sure this is the end of this relationship, this is just a heads up for anyone experiencing something similar, if you think your OH is in contact with an ex, make sure you talk about it as soon as possible... It may be even worse than you think

Saipanne · 18-12-2014 2:27am

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

No it would certainly not be within your rights to tell her that she has to stop responding to him/block him. What you can to is have an open and honest conversation with her, tell her the texts from her ex make you uncomfortable and let her decide what action is appropriate. You then have to respect her decision.

And if her decision is not ok with you, then she must respect your decision.

Saipanne · 18-12-2014 2:29am

deviladvocate wrote: »

Hi guys... so an update...

I confronted her about the messages he had been sending... Things went downhill really quickly! She insisted what she was doing wasn't wrong and that she was only replying to him to be nice, never tried to carry on conversation...
So I asked her could I see them to see if they were as bad as I thought... and it turned out much worse... They had been messaging each other much more than she had let on, with her beginning conversation a lot of the time..

Never mentioned it in the original post, but at the time of the inappropriate photos she told me she couldn't believe what had happened, because they hadn't spoke in ages, since soon after they broke up.... As I was going through her messages I found that this was complete lies, and he had been at her house just a week before, and they had been meeting up pretty regularly for months.. A lot of the messages she sent him said things like "I love you" and "I can't wait to see you" and she started many of the conversations asking was he free on any days so they could hang out...
She told me that they did hang out a few times, but that nothing ever happened, but obviously after the lies her word means nothing to me, and from those messages I find it incredibly hard to believe... (All this happened before we were going steady, but not very long beforehand, and she hasn't met up with him since we started going steady, but did continue to text him)

We haven't officially broken up yet, but I'm fairly sure this is the end... If anyone thinks there's any chance of this working, please explain, I could really use it right now!

I'm pretty sure this is the end of this relationship, this is just a heads up for anyone experiencing something similar, if you think your OH is in contact with an ex, make sure you talk about it as soon as possible... It may be even worse than you think

Dump her immediately. I've had some experiences with that type. Cut them off and run.

R.D. aka MR.D · 18-12-2014 2:36am

Same as the above poster, I had a similar experience. He was 'seeing' an ex (sleeping with) before we went steady but i had no idea. I only found out afterwards. He spun it like 'oh we weren't going steady so I did nothing wrong'. And i'm embarrassed to admit this but he said 'oh i just wanted to make sure you were the one and things were really over with her.'

He subsequently cheated on me again.

This girl has no respect for you. Dump her. Don't look back. You've had a lucky escape, you could have put more time into this relationship.

deviladvocate · 18-12-2014 2:46am

from the above post..."'oh i just wanted to make sure you were the one and things were really over with her."

Yeah she said a similar line to me.... said I was such a lovely guy, and all her previous bf's had been such dickheads, she was waiting for me to turn... afraid of being hurt again and all that...

As I had her phone in my hand and saw the messages I asked her when the last time she had met up with him was, and she had said March... I said "you know I have your phone in my hand right?" and she said yes... I read out a message dated September and asked what it was about, and she said "you never let me finish, March was the last time we had sex" Even in being caught in her lies she kept trying to twist things.... I really think I'm better off without her..

I'd like to thank everyone who gave useful advice, with good reasoning behind it, you guys really helped me realise I wasn't just being a paranoid/over bearing boyfriend and assured me that confronting her was the right thing to do..
Thanks again guys, really appreciate it

Yurt2 · 19-12-2014 6:07pm

deviladvocate wrote: »

from the above post..."'oh i just wanted to make sure you were the one and things were really over with her."

Yeah she said a similar line to me.... said I was such a lovely guy, and all her previous bf's had been such dickheads, she was waiting for me to turn... afraid of being hurt again and all that...

As I had her phone in my hand and saw the messages I asked her when the last time she had met up with him was, and she had said March... I said "you know I have your phone in my hand right?" and she said yes... I read out a message dated September and asked what it was about, and she said "you never let me finish, March was the last time we had sex" Even in being caught in her lies she kept trying to twist things.... I really think I'm better off without her..

I'd like to thank everyone who gave useful advice, with good reasoning behind it, you guys really helped me realise I wasn't just being a paranoid/over bearing boyfriend and assured me that confronting her was the right thing to do..
Thanks again guys, really appreciate it

Urgh, went through a very similar ordeal, getting flashbacks reading this! Even the 'just responding to be nice line' was doled out to me. Some people value the halo they wear around they're heads more than anything, more than treating people with decency and telling the truth. And you just know there's more there than she's willing to admit to.

God speed OP, hope you find someone that treats you with more respect the next time.

Yurt2 · 19-12-2014 6:14pm

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

No it would certainly not be within your rights to tell her that she has to stop responding to him/block him. What you can to is have an open and honest conversation with her, tell her the texts from her ex make you uncomfortable and let her decide what action is appropriate. You then have to respect her decision.

He doesn't have to respect that at all. All actions are not ethically equal and people should and are judged on how they conduct themselves and how they treat people, particularly those close to them. The guy was fed a line of bulls**t by a woman who thought she could play two people at once. I don't respect people like that, and neither should the OP who was investing his time and emotions on someone who really doesn't have his interests at heart.

Girlfriend's ex keeps messaging her

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