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Partner not helping out.

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    #32
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Helping out wrote: »
    ....I'm worried if we do break up, the relationship between them will be crap as he just doesn't have it in him to make the effort to spend time/call them.. But I suppose that will be a future worry and should not impact the current situation.
    I just can't believe that I could end up a single parent, it doesn't feel right.

    The bolded bit jumped out at me. Is this the way you reckon your partner feels about his children? That if he's not physically living under the same roof as them (and by extension, forced to be around them) he'd just walk off without a backwards glance and not be bothered about them? That's a scary thought if it's true.

    I can understand why you don't want to be a single parent but if your partner's as lazy, feckless and nasty as he comes across here, I pity you all. Children aren't stupid and they'll pick up on the toxic vibes as they grow up. I can't imagine growing up in a household with one loving parent could possibly be worse than one where one doesn't give a toss.

    As anyone who has had children will tell you, nothing can prepare you for the disruption a new baby brings. Twins brings a whole new dimension to it of course. I just wonder has the arrival of your little 'uns exacerbated the innate laziness and meanness of spirit that was in your partner. Because I struggle to understand how anyone with an ounce of integrity could possibly spit in the face of the woman he loves and walk out on them for days at a time.


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    #33
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »

    As anyone who has had children will tell you, nothing can prepare you for the disruption a new baby brings. Twins brings a whole new dimension to it of course. I just wonder has the arrival of your little 'uns exacerbated the innate laziness and meanness of spirit that was in your partner. Because I struggle to understand how anyone with an ounce of integrity could possibly spit in the face of the woman he loves and walk out on them for days at a time.

    Well its as simple as different dynamics in different relationships, i don't know how its acceptable for any of the stuff that went on from both sides but from what i am reading you dont go from trying for a baby for 10 years to being absolutely useless and abusive.

    There seems to be more going on here and its overly simplified to vilify one person in this relationship over the other, as we only have the ops word on what has been going on.

    Maybe everything said is 100% true and the ops partner really is as bad as has been said but i have a feeling that if the shoe was on the other foot the advice would be a bit more measured than we are seeing.


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    #34
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I don't think the OP's going to answer that. What I do know is that (i) he's obviously not working and (ii) her family have raised questions about him and his ability to support her. In her own words "they see how little help he is". I could be wrong of course but I'd not be surprised if they were harbouring these thoughts long before the twins came along. Having said that, I do agree that there are two sides to this but I still can't get over the OP's partner not bothering to feed his children properly, lying in bed all day when he does feed them, walks out, threatens to leave, spits in her face... I'm sure the OP's no angel either but what he's doing is despicable.


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    #35
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    Whats good for the goose is good for the gander as they say and if the shoe was on the other foot if you can honestly tell me that you would not be posting differently fair enough.

    I have a feeling however the advice might be a little different, it would try to get to the root of the problem first before advising to just break it off. There would also be more focus on the op's activities in the whole interaction.

    I feel the OP needs to be very careful in terms of next steps, if the partner really is as bad as she is saying and he has no interest in raising the children then sure be done with him. However, i dont get how someone goes for trying for years to the person being described in the thread. There seems to be more going on in the dynamic that is causing these problems.

    I would sit down and constructively chat about it and see if there is a way forward.


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    #36
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Actually yes, if it was a bloke posting about his female partner I'd be saying the same things.
    I'm not suggesting the OP automatically breaks up with him but am throwing some thoughts her way. Sometimes people get into relationships with others who aren't the right person for them but they plough ahead regardless. It's now that the OP's vulnerable that the cracks she may have been papering over cannot be papered over any more.

    Anyway OP if you want to stay with your partner I suggest you try counselling. And if he continues to be the monster you've described, be prepared to end things. He should be out finding a job, not lying in bed til 3.00 in the day. I bet you were the one who was always working, right?


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    #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Calhoun wrote: »
    Whats good for the goose is good for the gander as they say and if the shoe was on the other foot if you can honestly tell me that you would not be posting differently fair enough.

    On the other foot how? If it was a guy posting? Advice would still be the same if the actions were the same. Focus should be on the children. One parent is not helping and in fact doing things that are dangerous for the children. If a guy posted saying his partner was feeding a baby incorrectly like the OP described my advice would be the same as it is here, either they move out or the OP and babies move. All talking, medical help, counseling, etc etc can be done at a later date but right now the important thing is making an environment that is healthy for the children.

    I honestly don't care about the gender of either party here, deal with your relationship issues separately but you can't endanger children like that. There have been threads here from time to time from male posters with partners with bad PND who either weren't looking after their child at all or doing so in a way that endangered the child and the advice is yes get them professional help but the first action needs to be removing the child from their care until such a time as they can prove they are no longer a danger to that child and yes sometimes that may be never.

    Same goes here, the babies need to come first and be removed from that situation. That has been done, it's up to the OP and her partner to sort out where they go from here.


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    #38
    pharmaton
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,192 ✭✭✭pharmaton


    don't be surprised op if he decides to make himself unavailable for the foreseeable future, or as long as it takes for you to rare your children to an age which he decides is more suitable for him to participate in their upbringing, an age which probably doesn't interrupt his sleep. Once the hard work is done he'll be back.


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    #39
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    That is fair enough and you aren't the only one posting here there seems to be a general trend.. I agree people stay in no-win situations far longer than they should all i am advocating is that some balance to the discussion.

    If it really is as bad as the op is saying i totally agree she should end it but i would hate to think a couple broke up because of group think from folks that was being asked for advice.


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    #40
    jimmycrackcorm
    Registered Users Posts: 14,329 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    sReq | uTeK wrote:
    Good god I hope you're not a parent, yes it's alright to feed them incorrectly and soak them, what happens if he is falling asleep and the child is choking ????????? the op already said he can barely be woken when she is screaming at him never mind a poor innocent child choking next to him.


    But I am a parent with a fantastic thriving child. I also have to get up at night to do baby feeds when we mind my sister in laws kids. I've fed the baby at times and she's thrown up because I left her too long before burping. Baby got soaked once because bottle top was loose. baby started choking once because I thought she had finished a spoon full of feed and took another because she looked ready. Both myself and wife have either slept through baby crying at times. One night I heard an almighty bang upstairs where my wife had picked up the baby in the dark and tripped, fell with baby on the floor.

    But if you're a perfect parent who has a baby that didn't develop a nappy rash because you didn't smell a dirty nappy and left it on too long then I'll buy your book.


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    #41
    Dixie Chick
    Registered Users Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭Dixie Chick


    Calhoun wrote: »
    Partners just dont go from trying for a long time to not being interested in their family, it just doesnt work like that so it makes me wonder if he really wanted kids from the beginning or your behavior towards him has sparked this.

    I am glad you understand that hitting is wrong, if you were a male posting in this forum i can assure you the response would have been allot worse but those are just the double standards that society deems acceptable at this time. I am not sure how hard you hit him but i can imagine if my wife tried that with me i wouldnt be best pleased.

    You don't tell us anything else outside of the night time routine about whats going on, is your partner working/ providing ect? there are so many dynamics to this. Could the hitting in this case have been the trigger for him shutting down and not wanting to communicate?

    As for the not ringing, i dont know if i would be calling you either if i saw this thread and how he was demonised. I would be pretty annoyed of the picture your portraying, as he comes across as an emotional abuser but little focus has gone into you hitting him which seems to be a big deal for him as he left over you doing it last time.

    Not overly trying to have a go at you OP but there seems to be quite a bit more to this than your thread is saying and there is two of you in this. You have as much responsibility in this as he does.


    Demonised him...?/ Jesus wept.


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    #42
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    OP, I'm glad you were able to find a solution to this horrible aituation and he's gone for the time being. you are much more relaxed and it's better now without him, so you did the right thing!

    he doesn't sound like a mature person who's in any way able to be near his two babies. he's a danger and that is removed, that's the most important part.

    I'm actually disgusted by the posters who point out first your hitting is wrong and more or less subtly trying to blame you to play an equal part in this mess or probably even being the initiator of it and his sleeping, lay ins til 2 in the afternoon, spitting you in the face etc. is just a reaction of you being so mean to him and hitting him.

    I don't think the OP sounds like an abuser from her original post, just like a mother of newborn twins who's completely desperate because of the situation she's in with this scumbag. even people from outside, the parents, mentioned their concerns about him. do people think here the OP is making this up? why should she, because in reality she's so bored with her twins?

    now he's gone and he's not a*** to just even phone or call by. but yes, that's probaly because the OP was so horrible to him and the poor guy doesn't dare to phone or call by to see his kids anymore...jesus christ.


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    #43
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    Well I don't think anyone is saying the op is an abuser but the way in which they are communicating isn't the best. Neither are in the right here and in order to give some balanced feedback both need to be looked at.

    At the end of the day, no one on this forum has to live with this but the op and she owes it to herself and the family to think of all angles. Maybe she is best rid of him but talking in a non hostile environment will help at least figure that out.


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    #44
    ceadaoin.
    Registered Users Posts: 8,116 ✭✭✭ceadaoin.


    Calhoun wrote: »
    Partners just dont go from trying for a long time to not being interested in their family, it just doesnt work like that so it makes me wonder if he really wanted kids from the beginning or your behavior towards him has sparked this.

    I am glad you understand that hitting is wrong, if you were a male posting in this forum i can assure you the response would have been allot worse but those are just the double standards that society deems acceptable at this time. I am not sure how hard you hit him but i can imagine if my wife tried that with me i wouldnt be best pleased.

    You don't tell us anything else outside of the night time routine about whats going on, is your partner working/ providing ect? there are so many dynamics to this. Could the hitting in this case have been the trigger for him shutting down and not wanting to communicate?

    As for the not ringing, i dont know if i would be calling you either if i saw this thread and how he was demonised. I would be pretty annoyed of the picture your portraying, as he comes across as an emotional abuser but little focus has gone into you hitting him which seems to be a big deal for him as he left over you doing it last time.

    Not overly trying to have a go at you OP but there seems to be quite a bit more to this than your thread is saying and there is two of you in this. You have as much responsibility in this as he does.

    Stop trying to blame the OP for the fact that her partner has basically absolved himself of all responsibility for their children. A decent father would want to see them or at least call to make sure they are ok. There is no excuse.

    Abuse often escalates after a child, or in this case children, are born. Given that her family have raised questions about this man before, I would assume that there have been issues in the relationship already. If this was the case then I guarantee it would also be posted that it's the OPs fault for choosing to have kids with this man.

    People keep saying go to counselling but that generally isn't recommended where there is any form of abuse present in the relationship.


    jimmycrackcorm wrote: »
    But I am a parent with a fantastic thriving child. I also have to get up at night to do baby feeds when we mind my sister in laws kids. I've fed the baby at times and she's thrown up because I left her too long before burping. Baby got soaked once because bottle top was loose. baby started choking once because I thought she had finished a spoon full of feed and took another because she looked ready. Both myself and wife have either slept through baby crying at times. One night I heard an almighty bang upstairs where my wife had picked up the baby in the dark and tripped, fell with baby on the floor.

    But if you're a perfect parent who has a baby that didn't develop a nappy rash because you didn't smell a dirty nappy and left it on too long then I'll buy your book.

    Everyone makes mistakes and what you have described sounds like accidents and part of a learning curve. From what the OP has described, this man has absolutely no interest in looking after his children in a practical sense and can't be arsed to learn the right way to do things or even try.


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    #45
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Okay everybody - while I realise that this, like many threads in PI, is an emotive topic, a range of different opinions is to be expected - that cross section of experiences is one of the benefits of this forum. Rather than debating, if we can get back onto the topic of the OP's issue please....

    Regards,
    Mike


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    #46
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    ceadaoin. wrote: »
    People keep saying go to counselling but that generally isn't recommended where there is any form of abuse present in the relationship.
    .

    Counselling is recommended in abusive relationships, but seperate counselling for both or one party never joint relationship counselling.

    Counselling can be hard to access in Ireland and particularly with babies can be hard to find the time and the money for it. http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
    The above link is a course for DV, recommended by women's aid UK. Its online and costs a tenner. Its a very good starting point to untangling emotions and feelings.

    OP, for what its worth, I don't think that you are a habitual abuser, despite hitting your partner. Often in controlling relationships goading is a tactic designed to get the victim to snapping point and raise their hand first. Then that's 'proof' that you, not them, are the violent one, you see. Nevermind the hours of verbal abuse they inflicted to get the other to that point. And its likely that sleep deprivation and stress feed into it too. I'd highly recommend the course.

    It may well be that given space and practical support from family that you eventually reconcile, but for now I would suggest just taking it day by day and not thinking about single parenting yet. Take all the help you can get from your family, rest as much as you can and try to ensure you are eating properly. You'll get through this.


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    #47
    lillylouxx
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭lillylouxx


    how awful for you. i was once a single mum to twins and night feeds were awful. I am guessing by your question that you don't want to leave because if you did you wouldn't be trying to make things work. This is the hard part and it is a high pressure situation and some people dont do well with pressure. Men in my experience dont do very well with babies crying anyway. If i were you id tell him to leave calmy without an argument chances are hell come back and not be a complete ass anymore and if he doesn't then you and your little darlings never needed him to begin with.
    I really hope all works out for you and you get your happily ever after
    all my love
    xxx


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