Partner not helping out.

LegacyUser · 07-12-2014 11:18am #1

Have been with my partner for about 10 years. We recently just had twins. While he is great with them during the day, night time turns him into a selfish monster. I try my best to do the night feeds by myself but sometimes it's just not possible due to a baby crying. This is where the problems starts. He is impossible to wake up, or just doesn't want to. It takes e shouting in his face and sometimes I resort to hitting him to get him to feed the baby. It's so distressing for me as I feel helpless when the baby is screaming with hunger and if I put down the other baby, they will start screaming. It can take up to thirty minutes to get him to pick up the bottle and start feeding. When he does he does it so half assed as well. He won't sit up so the baby is pretty much lying flat while being fed, which is so dangerous. He falls back asleep while holding the bottle and the baby starts crying again. It really got to me last night as he wasn't paying attention and the bsby was getting quite distressed. Instead of trying to comfort her. He splashed milk in her face As he wasn't looking at where he was putting the bottle. He also was pulling the bottle out of her mouth to splash milk at me which was upsetting the baby again, as I kept asking him to sit up and look at what he was doing.

He never fully finishes a feed and when I'm finished with one baby I'll take over the feeding changing and settling the baby back to sleep. It means that on average I'm getting about 2-3 hours sleep per night, while he can get up to 8 or so. If he does wake at night and do a feed, he stays in bed until 2-3 in the afternoon, I'm left looking after the babies all day too.

He has also walked out in the middle of the night on three occasions and left me without consideration on how I can mange looking after two babies by myself. The last time he went for three days..

I'm so drained from all the fighting every single night, I dread going to bed now and we are really starting to dislike each other.

He just can't see how selfish he is being. He thinks I'm a bitch for hassling him to wake. It takes about 20-30 mins to get him to open his eyes and during that time there is a screaming baby so naturally I get very upset as all he has to do is feed them and the crying stops.
Sometimes when he does wake he will still refuse to feed a bsby and get up and go for a cigarette instead as he says why should he anything for me as I have just been shouting at him and sometimes hitting him on the arm, completely ignoring the fact that me and the baby are roaring our eyes out. He doesn't seem to understand that he is hurting the baby to get to me and it's such a horrible thing to do.

He threatens to leave me nearly every night and I'm just exhausted at this stage. I don't want to be a single mother and I need help with the babies so always beg him to stay. My self esteem is at Rock bottom. He even spat in my face one night as he was leaving while I sat holding two screaming babies.
I just don't know how to make he see what he is doing and that it's so unfair on me and the babies.
My family have all raised questions about him and his ability to support me but hold their tounges for the most part. They see how little help he is. I just want him to be aware of his behaviour but all I ever get back is what a horrible and unreasonable person I am. He is impossible to talk to and doesn't listen to me.

I know the post is all over the place but I just feel so demoralised and I'm really starting to resent him for the way he is capable of ignoring his child in distress. To him though he's not hurting the baby, he gets sastifaction out of not doing what I ask him. His favourite phrase is 'don't tell me what to do....'
I don't know what I can do to make him see that he is the one that is being unreasonable and selfish and I'm just trying to do what is best for the babies.

tara73 · 07-12-2014 12:24pm

omg, you poor thing, sending a virtual hug here!!! what a horrible person this man is!
he needs to leave the house at an instant, he is a threat to the babies and to you. spitting the mother of his two babies in the face, it's disturbing how low people can get.
what happens next is the question...will he actually physically harm you and the babies I ask myself.

you need immediate help from a professional organisation. I'm not too familiar with them, but people here always recommend womens' aid. there might be something especially for women with young babies, I'm sure other here know more and will advice soon.

don't you have any friends or family for the time being to help you out and help to get these b*** out ??

Stavro Mueller · 07-12-2014 12:37pm

You know, would you really be much worse off as a single parent? As things stand you're not getting much help from your partner and you're also having to deal with the stress of him and his lousy behaviour. Of all the things you described here, the spitting in your face really hit me in the gut.
It wouldn't surprise me if he did walk out some of these days because he really doesn't seem to have any feelings at all for his children. It wouldn't surprise me if he resents them, dislikes them, wishes they'd go away. My worry would be that some day he could do something to hurt them.

You said your family have raised questions about him in the past. Was this before the children came along? Did any of these unpleasant traits surface any time in the last 10 years? Reading between the lines, I get the impression that your family may have been worried for you for quite a while. Please don't let pride get in the way - I think you should turn to them for help. If they're like most families out there, they'll welcome you with open arms and do everything they can to help. Being a single parent isn't the worst thing in the world. If things continue as they are, your children are going to grow up in a toxic atmosphere and be damaged because of it .

Tasden · 07-12-2014 12:40pm

Helping put wrote: »

He threatens to leave me nearly every night and I'm just exhausted at this stage. I don't want to be a single mother and I need help with the babies so always beg him to stay. My self esteem is at Rock bottom. He even spat in my face one night as he was leaving while I sat holding two screaming babies.
I just don't know how to make he see what he is doing and that it's so unfair on me and the babies.

You don't want to be a single mother but right now you effectively are but with the added stress of a bully of a partner. He isn't offering you support, he begrudgingly does the bare minimum occasionally. That's not a partnership or teamwork. He is being horrible to you.

Yeah being a single mam is difficult and i can only imagine how difficult it will be with young twins but right now instead of doing it all yourself and getting on with it because you've no other option you have to sit there and do it all while the person who should be helping you is sleeping. That makes the whole situation more stressful and irritating because you should be getting help and you're not. That just leads to resentment and arguments and him leaving and you feeling like crap. Doing it yourself seems like a much healthier option to me. Would your family help if the two of you separated?

There is no way of making him see he is wrong. He is too selfish to see that. What decent man does what he has done? There's no sense of right and wrong there, or else there is and he doesn't care. Either way he really is not worth it.

Look after yourself and accept help from family and friends.

sReq | uTeK · 07-12-2014 12:53pm

Op, your partner is a bastard. I have a 9 month and a two year old. My wife breastfed exclusively for 6 months then I took bottle feeding. Even when she fed them I would wake and talk to her to keep her sane. It was also my job to do the winding. Sometimes my wife was so exhausted from the feeding every two hours that she had to lie down and sleep while feeding and I'd stay awake and keep an eye out to make sure all was okay. This is not even stuff you give plaudits for this is stuff EVERY partner should do to help out their spouse. I'm telling you now you would be better off and less stressed if you tossed this moron out. You're also enabling him by begging him to stay he thinks he can get away with it and you need him.

You can cope on your own and you should have changed the locks when he spat in your face

m'lady · 07-12-2014 1:34pm

I agree with the previous poster, your partner is a bastard and he's not only abusing you, he is abusing your babies.

This is a toxic environment for you and them and I do think he needs to just go. As other posters have said, you say you don't want to be a single mother, but is this better? I don't think so.
No doubt you will get the 'you shouldn't be hitting him' and 'could be be depressed?' questions very soon, and I'm sorry this may not be very PC but please ignore them, (takes a lot for me to say this, I've worked for AMEN), you are completely exhausted and getting no support from your partner, and he's now abusing you.
I'd also imagine there was some form of abuse in the past, before the twins arrived, hence why your family have raised questions about him.. Am I right?

My heart really goes out to you, please try and do something immediately.

My wise Father once said to me and it's so true ' there's nothing worse than the loneliness you get from being with someone that gives no companionship'.

Thinking of you OP xxx

dellas1979 · 07-12-2014 2:01pm

Jesus OP.

It was distressing to read your post, let alone live in reality with that...

What can you do?

Your family need to know what is going on. Theyve all ready cottoned on. I dont doubt they are already concerned. And I dont doubt they are already ready to help you. Stop covering up for him for "face". And hoping that he'll change. Do you think that one night, all of a sudden its going to change? The cat really need needs to come out of the bag on this one.

You cant make him change his behaviour, no matter how much you want to point all these horrible things he is doing. Its time to take action. He'll either stay the same, get worse, or youll crack, or you do something, now.

bean14 · 07-12-2014 2:06pm

Ask your family for help so you can have more sleep and rest and in turn enjoy your babies more. Its easy to say end the relationship but 10 years is a long time. Maybe trial seperation. Your twins are lucky to have you.

faceman · 07-12-2014 2:07pm

Sorry to hear of your circumstances. I really think both you and your partner should seek professional help through counselling. There's no shame in it and it can have a positive effect.

njs030 · 07-12-2014 2:12pm

http://www.imba.ie/support.htm

Please read this link and contact the appropriate people in it, there is help available.

One thing my friend did while her twins were babies was to sit them both in car seats and bottle feed at the same time. Then take turns winding them for a min each, take turns changing nappies etc
It's very very hard but it is only for a few months and then they will start sleeping more. If you can get someone to mind them for a couple of hours during the day you could sleep a bit.

Stavro Mueller · 07-12-2014 5:28pm

If he does wake at night and do a feed, he stays in bed until 2-3 in the afternoon, I'm left looking after the babies all day too.

I take from this that he's not working. Why? Is he jobhunting? Has he ever worked? Is he happy to arse around on the dole, leading to your family asking questions about how he can provide for you all?

bjork · 07-12-2014 6:14pm

You are with him 10 years and should have an idea of is character. Is this selfishness and abuse only since the babies arrived or has it always been his character?

Screaming and punching him in the middle of the night is not the way to go about it, it sounds like chaos and you would be better off doing it alone rather than that every night.

Can you rest more in the day time? You say he is good with them then. You need to sit down with and work out a schedule and what works best for both of you. If the drama is so big with him over night feeding, can you take these feeds and sleep in in the morning while he does the feeds then or he take care of the baby in the evenings so you can go to bed early?

tinkerbell · 07-12-2014 10:43pm

OP, you're in a dangerous and abusive relationship. It'd actually be easier as a single mother because you wouldn't be running around after him and the stress of him. I can't believe he spat in your face and treats his baby twins with such disgust. He's a rotten human being. If it were me, he'd be kicked out. Counselling isn't even worth trying, he sounds rotten to the core. Go to your family, they can help you. You need to protect yourself and your babies.

Your post is so upsetting to read. Please get out of that toxic relationship

maria34 · 07-12-2014 11:17pm

Babies feel the stress. I think once that waister is gone out of the house u would manage just fine because babies can relax too.

nc19 · 07-12-2014 11:46pm

tara73 wrote: »

omg, you poor thing, sending a virtual hug here!!! what a horrible person this man is!
he needs to leave the house at an instant, he is a threat to the babies and to you. spitting the mother of his two babies in the face, it's disturbing how low people can get.
what happens next is the question...will he actually physically harm you and the babies I ask myself.

What a total overreaction!

OP - he sounds immensely immature and totally overwhelmed aswell as completely selfish. I take it these are your first children? He obviously had no real idea what it would be like and he is totally unprepared for it imo.

When my child was this young I felt it was unfair for me to have to get up at night because I was working and my wife wasnt. It took a while and any number of rows for me to realise I was wrong, I was selfish and despite my wife telling me how hard it would be I was not ready for it and that was with 1, I dont know what would have happened with twins!!

Now before the man hating bra burning brigade mount those horses, I am NOT defending this fella. He seems like a total penis, however, I think he could come good in time if you put the kids to one side during the day and really explain to him how he is hurting you and by extension the kids and tell him you wont accept it and if hes not happy show him the door. Im sure your family would help you if it came to that.

imo

December2012 · 08-12-2014 1:06am

You shout and scream at him? You hit him? You're being abusive yourself.

You both need to change your behaviour, you're both out of line and there is no need for you to fight with each other every night.

Contact imba.ie and find out some better ideas.

Your say your baby is screaming with hunger - but at the same time you are screaming at your partner. Your kids are probably picking up on all this tension and unpleasantness.

Are you ever nice to him? To each other?

I think you should go to relationship counselling pronto and learn how to both cooperate with each other.

Dixie Chick · 08-12-2014 3:36pm

December2012 wrote: »

You shout and scream at him? You hit him? You're being abusive yourself.

You both need to change your behaviour, you're both out of line and there is no need for you to fight with each other every night.

Contact imba.ie and find out some better ideas.

Your say your baby is screaming with hunger - but at the same time you are screaming at your partner. Your kids are probably picking up on all this tension and unpleasantness.

Are you ever nice to him? To each other?

I think you should go to relationship counselling pronto and learn how to both cooperate with each other.

I think this is extremely judgemental , did you read her post about one baby screaming and one baby being fed and your man like a lump in the bed, spitting in her face?

StormWarrior · 08-12-2014 7:15pm

He endangers the babies by feeding them improperly, spits in your face, walks out for days and won't get up at night..... this is abuse. Abuse generally gets worse. Did he actually want these babies, or were they an accident? Because it sounds like he really resents being a father. Could it be that, by being so difficult, he's hoping that you'll give up trying to get him to help and take on all the responsibility for the babies yourself? Could he want out of the whole relationship - is he hoping you'll dump him, then he won't get flak for walking out on you and the babies? How is your relationship with his parents - do they help out? Could you talk to them about what's happening?

jimmycrackcorm · 09-12-2014 11:22pm

op, are you trying to get both parents to feed both babies together every night? Because if that's the case then it sounds as if you are both suffering from sleep deprivation . I know you mentioned he gets eight hours but is that undisturbed?

You basically need to take nightly turns, sleep in different rooms on the nights you aren't feeding. Don't stress yourself about whether he is feeding them correctly or splashing milk in their faces, if the babies are discomforted then they'll make enough noise about it.

tinkerbell · 10-12-2014 1:27am

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

op, are you trying to get both parents to feed both babies together every night? Because if that's the case then it sounds as if you are both suffering from sleep deprivation . I know you mentioned he gets eight hours but is that undisturbed?

You basically need to take nightly turns, sleep in different rooms on the nights you aren't feeding. Don't stress yourself about whether he is feeding them correctly or splashing milk in their faces, if the babies are discomforted then they'll make enough noise about it.

Huh? The OP shouldn't stress herself if he's not feeding them correctly or splashing milk in their faces? Seriously, what the heck? You're completely missing the point - it's not about discomfort, it's about being careless which can cause them harm. He is feeding them dangerously which could injure the babies and you think she should just not worry about that? Good grief. Then he doesn't even pay attention and splashes milk in their faces! They are BABIES, they need to be treated like babies - with care and comfort, not fed in any ol way and then splash them with their food. I wouldn't want him near those babies if that is how he treats them - with such a lack of respect. The taking it in turns to do nightly feeds is a good idea but with the way he has carried on, it'd be hard to trust him to even do it.

And who cares if is 8 hours is disturbed or not. He's still getting 8 hours. And he's living on another frickin planet if he expects to get 8 hours solid sleep for a good while when he's got twin babies. And then he has the nerve to sleep in til 2pm in the afternoon if he has to do a night feed, what a selfish git - I'm sure the OP doesn't gave that luxury.

ceadaoin. · 10-12-2014 2:41am

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

op, are you trying to get both parents to feed both babies together every night? Because if that's the case then it sounds as if you are both suffering from sleep deprivation . I know you mentioned he gets eight hours but is that undisturbed?

You basically need to take nightly turns, sleep in different rooms on the nights you aren't feeding. Don't stress yourself about whether he is feeding them correctly or splashing milk in their faces, if the babies are discomforted then they'll make enough noise about it.

From what the OP has described, he can't be trusted to look after them at night by himself. He falls asleep holding the bottle in the baby's mouth while they are lying flat. That is dangerous. He heads out for a smoke whilst his children are screaming with hunger. It seems like he can't even be trusted to wake up when they are crying, the op would probably end up having to get up and do it anyway.

8 hours of disturbed sleep is a lot better than the 2 hours the OP gets. That's better than I get now and my child is almost 3! I'm not surprised she loses it, that's what sleep deprivation does. It sounds like he isn't working so why shouldn't he help out at night?

OP I really think you would all be better off without him around. Spitting in someone's face and leaving without a care shows a pretty high level of contempt and he's not a caring father if he leaves for days at a time without even getting in touch. I suspect that everything would be a lot calmer without him around. Babies shouldn't have to be around screaming and shouting, obviously they are too young to understand what is going on but they will be affected by the noise and anxiety levels.

Calhoun · 10-12-2014 3:14am

Op, have you tried talking to him during the day when things aren't as heated? Do you think you can work through this?

You really need to figure this out as folks on this forum have been through allot and the near instant reaction is the most extreme but we are talking about some fairly big changes in direction for 4 people.

Your current situation isn't ideal but you both seem to be at it( him a good bit more) the question is though can you both come to a compromise ? If not then I'd be done with him but I'd think about it clearly before doing anything rash.

Neyite · 10-12-2014 1:50pm

Dixie Chick wrote: »

I think this is extremely judgemental , did you read her post about one baby screaming and one baby being fed and your man like a lump in the bed, spitting in her face?

Spitting is physical abuse, but so is hitting. The reasons behind it, while understandable, do not excuse it. I am fully sympathetic to the OP, and I can easily imagine most of us would be sorely tempted to wallop someone in that situation, who wouldn't? But that does not make physical assault from anyone, for any reason, justified.

OP, is there anyone who can stay and help you out - your mum, his mum? (he may be less likely to be such a lazy sod in front of his mother or yours) It sounds like you need an extra pair of hands right now, and his aren't much help, maybe even adding to your workload. If you are stuck for space to move in help, get him to stay on a mate's sofa so that he knows he has to shape up or ship out for good.

I do think that addressing it during the day will be much calmer than when all four of you are stressed, tired and angry. Have you talked to him during the day about it? How does he explain himself?

Mr. Incognito · 10-12-2014 2:22pm

It sounds like you are trying to be a mother to three babies.

You need to get rid of this guy until he grows up.

LegacyUser · 11-12-2014 12:33pm

Firstly thanks for all the replies, some has me in tears over the reality of the situation. It's a living hell and I'm so sad things have ended this way as we had been trying for a family for a long time before I got pregnant.
I showed my partner this tread on Monday and we had a good long talk. We agreed to give each other a break. He went to stay with his parents. I feel so much more relaxed, even though I have to do everything myself now, I'm finding it easier as the stress of fighting with someone and crying every night has gone.
I fully agree with the posters who said that me hitting him is unacceptable. It is, I know that and I dislike the person I have become.. The last couple of days have been fine for the most part and makes me see I.can do this alone. So now I have to decide weather I want to or not.
I'm not sure my partner really does have any interest in us now. He hasn't rang since he left to find out how the babies are or anything. That makes me really sad for them as now I'm worried if we do break up, the relationship between them will be crap as he just doesn't have it in him to make the effort to spend time/call them.. But I suppose that will be a future worry and should not impact the current situation.
I just can't believe that I could end up a single parent, it doesn't feel right.

Lisha · 11-12-2014 2:08pm

Well done for taking such a brave step in showing him this thread and in being totally honest about the wrongs on both sides.

Only time will tell what the future holds for ye as a couple but being able to communicate honestly and calmly can only help this.
Being happier calmer people (who are not a couple) Will enable ye to be happier, better parents to your children. Being a unhappy couple makes for unhappy parenting. You might not think it now but you will be happyier in the long run.

If after the time apart ye do decide to give things another go please try and resolve your issues first.

Best of luck

Calhoun · 11-12-2014 2:36pm

Helping out wrote: »

Firstly thanks for all the replies, some has me in tears over the reality of the situation. It's a living hell and I'm so sad things have ended this way as we had been trying for a family for a long time before I got pregnant.
I showed my partner this tread on Monday and we had a good long talk. We agreed to give each other a break. He went to stay with his parents. I feel so much more relaxed, even though I have to do everything myself now, I'm finding it easier as the stress of fighting with someone and crying every night has gone.
I fully agree with the posters who said that me hitting him is unacceptable. It is, I know that and I dislike the person I have become.. The last couple of days have been fine for the most part and makes me see I.can do this alone. So now I have to decide weather I want to or not.
I'm not sure my partner really does have any interest in us now. He hasn't rang since he left to find out how the babies are or anything. That makes me really sad for them as now I'm worried if we do break up, the relationship between them will be crap as he just doesn't have it in him to make the effort to spend time/call them.. But I suppose that will be a future worry and should not impact the current situation.
I just can't believe that I could end up a single parent, it doesn't feel right.

Partners just dont go from trying for a long time to not being interested in their family, it just doesnt work like that so it makes me wonder if he really wanted kids from the beginning or your behavior towards him has sparked this.

I am glad you understand that hitting is wrong, if you were a male posting in this forum i can assure you the response would have been allot worse but those are just the double standards that society deems acceptable at this time. I am not sure how hard you hit him but i can imagine if my wife tried that with me i wouldnt be best pleased.

You don't tell us anything else outside of the night time routine about whats going on, is your partner working/ providing ect? there are so many dynamics to this. Could the hitting in this case have been the trigger for him shutting down and not wanting to communicate?

As for the not ringing, i dont know if i would be calling you either if i saw this thread and how he was demonised. I would be pretty annoyed of the picture your portraying, as he comes across as an emotional abuser but little focus has gone into you hitting him which seems to be a big deal for him as he left over you doing it last time.

Not overly trying to have a go at you OP but there seems to be quite a bit more to this than your thread is saying and there is two of you in this. You have as much responsibility in this as he does.

sReq | uTeK · 11-12-2014 4:29pm

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

op, are you trying to get both parents to feed both babies together every night? Because if that's the case then it sounds as if you are both suffering from sleep deprivation . I know you mentioned he gets eight hours but is that undisturbed?

You basically need to take nightly turns, sleep in different rooms on the nights you aren't feeding. Don't stress yourself about whether he is feeding them correctly or splashing milk in their faces, if the babies are discomforted then they'll make enough noise about it.

Good god I hope you're not a parent, yes it's alright to feed them incorrectly and soak them, what happens if he is falling asleep and the child is choking ????????? the op already said he can barely be woken when she is screaming at him never mind a poor innocent child choking next to him.

December2012 · 11-12-2014 8:00pm

You and he are tied to each other forever.

A baby, even a much loved and wanted for baby, can be like an earthquake to a couple - the dynamic shift is huge and the demands of two can double that dynamic. You see it yourself, the tiredness, hormones and exhaustion.

For this reason I suggest you and your partner both go to relationship counselling so you can both clearly and calmly take the time to figure out what you want.

No rush

dellas1979 · 11-12-2014 10:10pm

Helping out wrote: »

That makes me really sad for them as now I'm worried if we do break up, the relationship between them will be crap

It is his choice and decision to behave like he is.

Its a massive, massive loss to him, to not care for his children.

Kinda makes me wonder, is there more to his story (especially, as was pointed out, ye'd been trying for a while?).

Tasden · 11-12-2014 10:21pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

It is his choice and decision to behave like he is.

Its a massive, massive loss to him, to not care for his children.

Kinda makes me wonder, is there more to his story (especially, as was pointed out, ye'd been trying for a while?).

Sometimes the reality is a lot different to what people imagine when deciding to "have a baby". Add to that twins instead of just one and its not all too surprising tbh. Not that it justifies it at all.

Stavro Mueller · 11-12-2014 10:57pm

Helping out wrote: »

....I'm worried if we do break up, the relationship between them will be crap as he just doesn't have it in him to make the effort to spend time/call them.. But I suppose that will be a future worry and should not impact the current situation.
I just can't believe that I could end up a single parent, it doesn't feel right.

The bolded bit jumped out at me. Is this the way you reckon your partner feels about his children? That if he's not physically living under the same roof as them (and by extension, forced to be around them) he'd just walk off without a backwards glance and not be bothered about them? That's a scary thought if it's true.

I can understand why you don't want to be a single parent but if your partner's as lazy, feckless and nasty as he comes across here, I pity you all. Children aren't stupid and they'll pick up on the toxic vibes as they grow up. I can't imagine growing up in a household with one loving parent could possibly be worse than one where one doesn't give a toss.

As anyone who has had children will tell you, nothing can prepare you for the disruption a new baby brings. Twins brings a whole new dimension to it of course. I just wonder has the arrival of your little 'uns exacerbated the innate laziness and meanness of spirit that was in your partner. Because I struggle to understand how anyone with an ounce of integrity could possibly spit in the face of the woman he loves and walk out on them for days at a time.

Calhoun · 11-12-2014 11:13pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

As anyone who has had children will tell you, nothing can prepare you for the disruption a new baby brings. Twins brings a whole new dimension to it of course. I just wonder has the arrival of your little 'uns exacerbated the innate laziness and meanness of spirit that was in your partner. Because I struggle to understand how anyone with an ounce of integrity could possibly spit in the face of the woman he loves and walk out on them for days at a time.

Well its as simple as different dynamics in different relationships, i don't know how its acceptable for any of the stuff that went on from both sides but from what i am reading you dont go from trying for a baby for 10 years to being absolutely useless and abusive.

There seems to be more going on here and its overly simplified to vilify one person in this relationship over the other, as we only have the ops word on what has been going on.

Maybe everything said is 100% true and the ops partner really is as bad as has been said but i have a feeling that if the shoe was on the other foot the advice would be a bit more measured than we are seeing.

Stavro Mueller · 11-12-2014 11:19pm

I don't think the OP's going to answer that. What I do know is that (i) he's obviously not working and (ii) her family have raised questions about him and his ability to support her. In her own words "they see how little help he is". I could be wrong of course but I'd not be surprised if they were harbouring these thoughts long before the twins came along. Having said that, I do agree that there are two sides to this but I still can't get over the OP's partner not bothering to feed his children properly, lying in bed all day when he does feed them, walks out, threatens to leave, spits in her face... I'm sure the OP's no angel either but what he's doing is despicable.

Calhoun · 11-12-2014 11:42pm

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander as they say and if the shoe was on the other foot if you can honestly tell me that you would not be posting differently fair enough.

I have a feeling however the advice might be a little different, it would try to get to the root of the problem first before advising to just break it off. There would also be more focus on the op's activities in the whole interaction.

I feel the OP needs to be very careful in terms of next steps, if the partner really is as bad as she is saying and he has no interest in raising the children then sure be done with him. However, i dont get how someone goes for trying for years to the person being described in the thread. There seems to be more going on in the dynamic that is causing these problems.

I would sit down and constructively chat about it and see if there is a way forward.

Stavro Mueller · 12-12-2014 12:32am

Actually yes, if it was a bloke posting about his female partner I'd be saying the same things.
I'm not suggesting the OP automatically breaks up with him but am throwing some thoughts her way. Sometimes people get into relationships with others who aren't the right person for them but they plough ahead regardless. It's now that the OP's vulnerable that the cracks she may have been papering over cannot be papered over any more.

Anyway OP if you want to stay with your partner I suggest you try counselling. And if he continues to be the monster you've described, be prepared to end things. He should be out finding a job, not lying in bed til 3.00 in the day. I bet you were the one who was always working, right?

LegacyUser · 12-12-2014 12:58am

Calhoun wrote: »

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander as they say and if the shoe was on the other foot if you can honestly tell me that you would not be posting differently fair enough.

On the other foot how? If it was a guy posting? Advice would still be the same if the actions were the same. Focus should be on the children. One parent is not helping and in fact doing things that are dangerous for the children. If a guy posted saying his partner was feeding a baby incorrectly like the OP described my advice would be the same as it is here, either they move out or the OP and babies move. All talking, medical help, counseling, etc etc can be done at a later date but right now the important thing is making an environment that is healthy for the children.

I honestly don't care about the gender of either party here, deal with your relationship issues separately but you can't endanger children like that. There have been threads here from time to time from male posters with partners with bad PND who either weren't looking after their child at all or doing so in a way that endangered the child and the advice is yes get them professional help but the first action needs to be removing the child from their care until such a time as they can prove they are no longer a danger to that child and yes sometimes that may be never.

Same goes here, the babies need to come first and be removed from that situation. That has been done, it's up to the OP and her partner to sort out where they go from here.

pharmaton · 12-12-2014 12:58am

don't be surprised op if he decides to make himself unavailable for the foreseeable future, or as long as it takes for you to rare your children to an age which he decides is more suitable for him to participate in their upbringing, an age which probably doesn't interrupt his sleep. Once the hard work is done he'll be back.

Calhoun · 12-12-2014 1:13am

That is fair enough and you aren't the only one posting here there seems to be a general trend.. I agree people stay in no-win situations far longer than they should all i am advocating is that some balance to the discussion.

If it really is as bad as the op is saying i totally agree she should end it but i would hate to think a couple broke up because of group think from folks that was being asked for advice.

jimmycrackcorm · 12-12-2014 1:37am

sReq | uTeK wrote:

Good god I hope you're not a parent, yes it's alright to feed them incorrectly and soak them, what happens if he is falling asleep and the child is choking ????????? the op already said he can barely be woken when she is screaming at him never mind a poor innocent child choking next to him.

But I am a parent with a fantastic thriving child. I also have to get up at night to do baby feeds when we mind my sister in laws kids. I've fed the baby at times and she's thrown up because I left her too long before burping. Baby got soaked once because bottle top was loose. baby started choking once because I thought she had finished a spoon full of feed and took another because she looked ready. Both myself and wife have either slept through baby crying at times. One night I heard an almighty bang upstairs where my wife had picked up the baby in the dark and tripped, fell with baby on the floor.

But if you're a perfect parent who has a baby that didn't develop a nappy rash because you didn't smell a dirty nappy and left it on too long then I'll buy your book.

Dixie Chick · 12-12-2014 11:18am

Calhoun wrote: »

Partners just dont go from trying for a long time to not being interested in their family, it just doesnt work like that so it makes me wonder if he really wanted kids from the beginning or your behavior towards him has sparked this.

I am glad you understand that hitting is wrong, if you were a male posting in this forum i can assure you the response would have been allot worse but those are just the double standards that society deems acceptable at this time. I am not sure how hard you hit him but i can imagine if my wife tried that with me i wouldnt be best pleased.

You don't tell us anything else outside of the night time routine about whats going on, is your partner working/ providing ect? there are so many dynamics to this. Could the hitting in this case have been the trigger for him shutting down and not wanting to communicate?

As for the not ringing, i dont know if i would be calling you either if i saw this thread and how he was demonised. I would be pretty annoyed of the picture your portraying, as he comes across as an emotional abuser but little focus has gone into you hitting him which seems to be a big deal for him as he left over you doing it last time.

Not overly trying to have a go at you OP but there seems to be quite a bit more to this than your thread is saying and there is two of you in this. You have as much responsibility in this as he does.

Demonised him...?/ Jesus wept.

tara73 · 12-12-2014 12:21pm

OP, I'm glad you were able to find a solution to this horrible aituation and he's gone for the time being. you are much more relaxed and it's better now without him, so you did the right thing!

he doesn't sound like a mature person who's in any way able to be near his two babies. he's a danger and that is removed, that's the most important part.

I'm actually disgusted by the posters who point out first your hitting is wrong and more or less subtly trying to blame you to play an equal part in this mess or probably even being the initiator of it and his sleeping, lay ins til 2 in the afternoon, spitting you in the face etc. is just a reaction of you being so mean to him and hitting him.

I don't think the OP sounds like an abuser from her original post, just like a mother of newborn twins who's completely desperate because of the situation she's in with this scumbag. even people from outside, the parents, mentioned their concerns about him. do people think here the OP is making this up? why should she, because in reality she's so bored with her twins?

now he's gone and he's not a*** to just even phone or call by. but yes, that's probaly because the OP was so horrible to him and the poor guy doesn't dare to phone or call by to see his kids anymore...jesus christ.

Calhoun · 12-12-2014 2:05pm

Well I don't think anyone is saying the op is an abuser but the way in which they are communicating isn't the best. Neither are in the right here and in order to give some balanced feedback both need to be looked at.

At the end of the day, no one on this forum has to live with this but the op and she owes it to herself and the family to think of all angles. Maybe she is best rid of him but talking in a non hostile environment will help at least figure that out.

ceadaoin. · 12-12-2014 6:02pm

Calhoun wrote: »

Partners just dont go from trying for a long time to not being interested in their family, it just doesnt work like that so it makes me wonder if he really wanted kids from the beginning or your behavior towards him has sparked this.

I am glad you understand that hitting is wrong, if you were a male posting in this forum i can assure you the response would have been allot worse but those are just the double standards that society deems acceptable at this time. I am not sure how hard you hit him but i can imagine if my wife tried that with me i wouldnt be best pleased.

You don't tell us anything else outside of the night time routine about whats going on, is your partner working/ providing ect? there are so many dynamics to this. Could the hitting in this case have been the trigger for him shutting down and not wanting to communicate?

As for the not ringing, i dont know if i would be calling you either if i saw this thread and how he was demonised. I would be pretty annoyed of the picture your portraying, as he comes across as an emotional abuser but little focus has gone into you hitting him which seems to be a big deal for him as he left over you doing it last time.

Not overly trying to have a go at you OP but there seems to be quite a bit more to this than your thread is saying and there is two of you in this. You have as much responsibility in this as he does.

Stop trying to blame the OP for the fact that her partner has basically absolved himself of all responsibility for their children. A decent father would want to see them or at least call to make sure they are ok. There is no excuse.

Abuse often escalates after a child, or in this case children, are born. Given that her family have raised questions about this man before, I would assume that there have been issues in the relationship already. If this was the case then I guarantee it would also be posted that it's the OPs fault for choosing to have kids with this man.

People keep saying go to counselling but that generally isn't recommended where there is any form of abuse present in the relationship.

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

But I am a parent with a fantastic thriving child. I also have to get up at night to do baby feeds when we mind my sister in laws kids. I've fed the baby at times and she's thrown up because I left her too long before burping. Baby got soaked once because bottle top was loose. baby started choking once because I thought she had finished a spoon full of feed and took another because she looked ready. Both myself and wife have either slept through baby crying at times. One night I heard an almighty bang upstairs where my wife had picked up the baby in the dark and tripped, fell with baby on the floor.

But if you're a perfect parent who has a baby that didn't develop a nappy rash because you didn't smell a dirty nappy and left it on too long then I'll buy your book.

Everyone makes mistakes and what you have described sounds like accidents and part of a learning curve. From what the OP has described, this man has absolutely no interest in looking after his children in a practical sense and can't be arsed to learn the right way to do things or even try.

Tokyo · 12-12-2014 6:23pm

Okay everybody - while I realise that this, like many threads in PI, is an emotive topic, a range of different opinions is to be expected - that cross section of experiences is one of the benefits of this forum. Rather than debating, if we can get back onto the topic of the OP's issue please....

Regards,
Mike

Neyite · 13-12-2014 10:39am

ceadaoin. wrote: »

People keep saying go to counselling but that generally isn't recommended where there is any form of abuse present in the relationship.
.

Counselling is recommended in abusive relationships, but seperate counselling for both or one party never joint relationship counselling.

Counselling can be hard to access in Ireland and particularly with babies can be hard to find the time and the money for it. http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
The above link is a course for DV, recommended by women's aid UK. Its online and costs a tenner. Its a very good starting point to untangling emotions and feelings.

OP, for what its worth, I don't think that you are a habitual abuser, despite hitting your partner. Often in controlling relationships goading is a tactic designed to get the victim to snapping point and raise their hand first. Then that's 'proof' that you, not them, are the violent one, you see. Nevermind the hours of verbal abuse they inflicted to get the other to that point. And its likely that sleep deprivation and stress feed into it too. I'd highly recommend the course.

It may well be that given space and practical support from family that you eventually reconcile, but for now I would suggest just taking it day by day and not thinking about single parenting yet. Take all the help you can get from your family, rest as much as you can and try to ensure you are eating properly. You'll get through this.

lillylouxx · 18-12-2014 2:20am

how awful for you. i was once a single mum to twins and night feeds were awful. I am guessing by your question that you don't want to leave because if you did you wouldn't be trying to make things work. This is the hard part and it is a high pressure situation and some people dont do well with pressure. Men in my experience dont do very well with babies crying anyway. If i were you id tell him to leave calmy without an argument chances are hell come back and not be a complete ass anymore and if he doesn't then you and your little darlings never needed him to begin with.
I really hope all works out for you and you get your happily ever after
all my love
xxx

Partner not helping out.

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