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joke

  • 17-08-2006 12:16pm
    #1
    StormWarrior
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭StormWarrior


    what is another way of describing a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

    Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog!


Comments

  • #2
    Zombrex
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25,848 ✭✭✭✭Zombrex


    Groan ...

    worst joke ever ... :)

    My go...


    In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"
    In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"
    "The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."
    "Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"
    "The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."
    "Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."
    "OK, Billy, what do you think?"
    "It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."
    "That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"
    Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"


  • #3
    Asiaprod
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,737 ✭✭✭Asiaprod


    Wicknight wrote:
    Groan ...

    worst joke ever ... :)

    My go...

    Double groan


  • #4
    pH
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,188 ✭✭✭pH


    atheist_fanattics.gif


  • #5
    Dades
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,558 Mod ✭✭✭✭Dades


    *cringe*

    Coincidentally I got this in my inbox this morning. It might well be better on the Christianity forum, but given the kafuffle caused over nothing there recently I don't think I'll bother...
    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

    What majestic trees. What powerful rivers. What beautiful animals he said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw an 8 foot Alaskan grizzly charge towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path, He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."

    Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

    "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
    A talking bear? Whatever next. :D


  • #6
    Evil Phil
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,468 ✭✭✭Evil Phil


    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers?

    They prayed to Santa.


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  • #7
    biko
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 81,220 ✭✭✭✭biko


    A classic:

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


  • #8
    Zombrex
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25,848 ✭✭✭✭Zombrex


    biko wrote:
    A classic:

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


    LOL :D


  • #9
    pH
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,188 ✭✭✭pH


    Did you know there's an official Atheist religious holiday?

    ..









    April 1st*


    * -I was rather hoping that these jokes would be at the expense of atheists, rather than having a go at theists. The christianity forum seems to be the place these days to post christian jokes ;)


  • #10
    stevejazzx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,247 ✭✭✭stevejazzx


    biko wrote:
    A classic:

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

    originally a phyton sketch wasn't it?
    it's great and actually makes a very good point


  • #11
    Alina Loose Twit
    Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Alina Loose Twit


    biko wrote:
    A classic:

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
    Brilliant :D


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  • #12
    dalk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 566 ✭✭✭dalk


    stevejazzx wrote:
    originally a phyton sketch wasn't it?
    it's great and actually makes a very good point

    AFAIK its an Emo Philips joke... remember it on the telly years ago. Brilliant joke...

    Here's another slightly religious Emo joke:

    When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.


  • #13
    Asiaprod
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,737 ✭✭✭Asiaprod


    My turn...

    A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
    One driver, who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts! I'm an Atheist."
    All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"


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