The Off-Topic, insult, picture and everything else thread

TheNog · 10-11-2008 9:27pm #1

Okay its getting too serious in this Forum so time for a bit of release.

Funny stuff only, nature of post follows on from the post before it. Can be whatever you want - pics, jokes, songs whatever.

Whatever posts you like, Thank it. The more thanks a post gets wins a prize. Yeah right

First one

Donvito stills has the web cam on

timmywex · 10-11-2008 9:42pm

Ok, someone has to own up to this....

metman, this you perhaps?

One that has done the rounds im sure!

On a site note;

If only.......good advice all the same

Trojan911 · 10-11-2008 10:12pm

Ten reasons you know you married a cop....

10. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up

9. Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"

8. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie

7. Calls farting his "silent alarm"

6. The obvious nightstick reference.

5. You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"

4. Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzer!"

3. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going.

2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.

1. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!!!!

Stop sign:

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.

The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

deadwood · 10-11-2008 10:12pm

TheNog wrote: »

Im...posss....ible..............to.......resist. Power.....is....so.....strong. Must........fight.......the urge...I can't. I can't. Who's that,
Yore Ma?

Oh no. I've followed through again.

deadwood · 10-11-2008 10:16pm

timmywex wrote: »

Heh, heh. Check out the exhaust!

Gavin · 10-11-2008 10:36pm

This should be mandatory watching for prison rejuvenation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj0mtxXEGE8

eroo · 10-11-2008 10:46pm

So this is what happens when The Nog visits After Hours. . . :P

eroo · 10-11-2008 11:23pm

Eh...jokes?

Indymedia is a credible source of information.

TheNog · 11-11-2008 12:42am

How not to deal with a difficult person

kerry4sam · 11-11-2008 12:44am

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 160 km/h enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 120 km/h!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re €80 each and I was only allowed 2.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

deadwood · 11-11-2008 12:45am

eroo wrote: »

Eh...jokes?

Indymedia is a credible source of information.

Took a while.
The force is strong in this one.

deadwood · 11-11-2008 1:25am

maglite · 11-11-2008 1:30am

deadwood wrote: »

can i have the password?

deadwood · 11-11-2008 2:09am

maglite wrote: »

can i have the password?

Why yes. It's www.google.com/ihaveloadsoffreetimeonmyhandsandshouldreallygetahobby!

TheNog · 11-11-2008 2:11am

timmywex wrote: »

and check out to the immediate right of the reg plate.

She has a hairy, smiley bear

deadwood · 11-11-2008 2:16am

eroo wrote: »

So this is what happens when The Nog visits After Hours. . . :P

TheNog wrote: »

and check out to the immediate right of the reg plate.

She has a hairy, smiley bear

And this is what happens when Nog visits the drinks cabinet!

yayamark · 11-11-2008 3:36am

Page Not Found

The page - www.google.com/ihaveloadsoffreetimeonmyhandsandshouldreallygetahobby - does not exist.

Suggestions:
Check the spelling of the address you typed
If you are still having problems, please contact us

kerry4sam · 11-11-2008 4:38am

maglite wrote: »

can i have the password?

deadwood wrote: »

Why yes. It's www.google.com/ihaveloadsoffreetimeonmyhandsandshouldreallygetahobby!

yayamark wrote: »

Page Not Found

The page - www.google.com/ihaveloadsoffreetimeonmyhandsandshouldreallygetahobby - does not exist.

Suggestions:
Check the spelling of the address you typed
If you are still having problems, please contact us

TheNog · 11-11-2008 10:33am

deadwood wrote: »

And this is what happens when Nog visits the drinks cabinet!

TheNog · 11-11-2008 12:02pm

Just found this.

Reckon the Orange Men are modernising for next years round of parades

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMcalVKWkd8

This one gets my support though

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5slupiF3ZJw

eroo · 11-11-2008 7:00pm

The Lone Ranger and Silver

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone! .'

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says,

'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE'

Eru · 11-11-2008 8:05pm

kerry4sam · 12-11-2008 12:18am

classic TJ & TJ

working at the Dail: http://www.todayfm.com/goout.asp?u=http://audio.todayfm.com/files/dail-election-1.wma

at the Cork cocaine haul: http://www.todayfm.com/goout.asp?u=http://audio.todayfm.com/files/gardadrug-1.wma

Guards on bikes: http://www.todayfm.com/goout.asp?u=http://audio.todayfm.com/files/bikes-1.wma

deadwood · 12-11-2008 2:01pm

Hope this posts ok. Been doing the rounds for a while.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L62c5302pYY

deadwood · 12-11-2008 2:06pm

Mods, delete if this is a bit inappropriate. It's a doozy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iw3Qv8LIEvQ

Mutz · 12-11-2008 3:31pm

deadwood wrote: »

Mods, delete if this is a bit inappropriate. It's a doozy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iw3Qv8LIEvQ

Ah very fuuny!

Paulzx · 12-11-2008 3:52pm

Latest form of public transport in Dublin:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi44s2c-ecs

metman · 12-11-2008 4:28pm

The first two have been posted before, but for those who missed them here they are again! ARV silliness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pnVwkO6uKA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JJRr9BurPw

And this one is proof that our K9 cops don't always get it right...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQpu9UoXCeM

kerry4sam · 12-11-2008 6:08pm

beware of the Garda car when having the "one for the road"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2hhBSFuEEg

donvito99 · 12-11-2008 6:46pm

TheNog wrote: »

Okay its getting too serious in this Forum so time for a bit of release.

Funny stuff only, nature of post follows on from the post before it. Can be whatever you want - pics, jokes, songs whatever.

Whatever posts you like, Thank it. The more thanks a post gets wins a prize. Yeah right

First one

Donvito stills has the web cam on

Quite a striking resemblence actually.

ScubaDave · 12-11-2008 6:48pm

Classics

eroo · 12-11-2008 7:53pm

''a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river''

''A man returns home one night carrying a duck under his arm, and says "this is the pig I've been telling you about".

His wife says "that's not a pig, that's a duck", to which the husband replies "I wasn't talking to you".''

Billy Connolly:
-Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd shag everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still."

-I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

- What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you ****ing McTosser!

-Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?

-Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes

eroo · 12-11-2008 7:56pm

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

and..

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience
for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once
every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd
pierced the quiet. . ...

"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!"

deadwood · 12-11-2008 11:53pm

kerry4sam wrote: »

beware of the Garda car when having the "one for the road"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2hhBSFuEEg

And they say culture is dead!

yayamark · 13-11-2008 4:45pm

Baptising an Irishman A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?" The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"

eroo · 13-11-2008 5:40pm

yayamark, you have no shame!! :P

towel401 · 13-11-2008 8:33pm

the family planning one is still the best

deadwood · 14-11-2008 5:32pm

One for the Fire Fighters.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3uoVOOlT2s

Ouch!

eroo · 15-11-2008 9:46pm

Watch this one first
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948

Then watch this...
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=glvGfQnx3DI

CLADA · 15-11-2008 9:50pm

eroo wrote: »

yayamark, you have no shame!! :P

Never mind that sh*t, what gate are you on in Thomond Park Tuesday night and what's the password?:D

eroo · 15-11-2008 9:53pm

CLADA wrote: »

Never mind that sh*t, what gate are you on in Thomond Park Tuesday night and what's the password?:D

Terraces actually, and we have nothing to do with tickets, ya scan them in at the turnstiles!:p So, Garda ID's wont work!

(Where is the euro sign on my keyboard??:pac:)

deadwood · 15-11-2008 11:19pm

eroo wrote: »

Terraces actually, and we have nothing to do with tickets, ya scan them in at the turnstiles!:p So, Garda ID's wont work!

(Where is the euro sign on my keyboard??:pac:)

Now, that's very short sighted, young eroo.
Us ould lads...

eroo · 15-11-2008 11:34pm

deadwood wrote: »

Now, that's very short sighted, young eroo.
Us ould lads...

Is it the concept of scanning barcodes that has you confused? Surely they had them in yer youth??:pac:

CLADA · 15-11-2008 11:43pm

eroo wrote: »

Terraces actually, and we have nothing to do with tickets, ya scan them in at the turnstiles!:p So, Garda ID's wont work!

Hey deadwood! We might rendezvous in Mayorstone 1/2 an hour before kick off and stroll in, I love a challenge:D

Barcode my arse:p

deadwood · 15-11-2008 11:48pm

eroo wrote: »

Is it the concept of scanning barcodes that has you confused? Surely they had them in yer youth??:pac:

The only thing I know about bar codes is:

1 pint.

2 Pints.

2 for me and a bottle of mineral for mrs. deadwood. And a package of taytos for young eroo in on the turnstiles there.

eroo · 15-11-2008 11:49pm

CLADA wrote: »

Hey deadwood! We might rendezvous in Mayorstone 1/2 an hour before kick off and stroll in, I love a challenge:D

Barcode my arse:p

I'll keep an eye out for 2 auld fellas wearing black jackets with 'GARDA' tip-exed on the back then?:p

''Ya, we're with the Crimeatmatches Unit. Serious stuff. Could ya direct me to Seat 102, West Stand please?''

deadwood · 16-11-2008 1:06am

CLADA wrote: »

Barcode my arse:p

This is as close as I could get.

Oops. I thought you said ass.
Edit. Azz.

deadwood · 16-11-2008 1:16am

eroo wrote: »

I'll keep an eye out for 2 auld fellas wearing black jackets with 'GARDA' tip-exed on the back then?:p

''Ya, we're with the Crimeatmatches Unit. Serious stuff. Could ya direct me to Seat 102, West Stand please?''

The first rule of Crimeatmatches Unit is - you do not talk about Crimeatmatches Unit . The second rule of Crimeatmatches Unit is - you DO NOT talk about Crimeatmatches Unit. Third rule of Crimeatmatches Unit, someone yells Stop!, goes limp, taps out, the hawk is over. Fourth rule, only two mules to a hawk. Fifth rule, one hawk at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no shirt, no shoes, no clip-on ties with straight pins in them. Seventh rule, hawks will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Crimeatmatches Unit, you have to buy.

deadwood · 16-11-2008 1:23am

eroo wrote: »

Watch this one first
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948

Then watch this...
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=glvGfQnx3DI

Fist one no longer available (might be just my p.c., mrs deadwood won't pedal fast enough.
Second one's good. Is Jim Carey ripping off gift grub or vice versa?

eroo · 16-11-2008 2:56pm

deadwood wrote: »

Fist one no longer available (might be just my p.c., mrs deadwood won't pedal fast enough.
Second one's good. Is Jim Carey ripping off gift grub or vice versa?

Mrs.Deadwood needs to pick up the pace! It's working for me, we got those new PC's here where ye get a monkey to pedal instead.

Angus MacGyver · 16-11-2008 11:30pm

ScubaDave wrote: »

Classics

The Lamp

The Off-Topic, insult, picture and everything else thread

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