confused and don't know what to do

Whale and wasp · 09-02-2016 6:47pm #1

Hi all, need some advice. My gf of two and a half years finished with me two weeks before xmas. We had had a complicated start to our relationship (jealous friends basically) and a lot of outside hassle.

Long story short, my gf was under pressure from her parents to find work. She was well able but maybe lacking in confidence. Fot an entire year previously when we got our own place, she woulf complain of having nothong to do, i encouraged her best i could to find something, or go back to college, volunteer.. Anything really as she seemed a bit down.

Now, i was no saint. During the summer i was under a lot of pressure due to fighting a degree appeal which failed, i guess i got a bit down myself. I got quite ill during my degree and it kind of held me back in the end.

My gf was not in great form either. I remember het sibling was getting married and i was looking forward to getting to know the family better. I mentioned it to her and she told me " well, youll have to get your own dinner' was Pretty hurt by that tbh. I was her partner of two years at this point. Never got a formal invite either to the ceremony, just to the afters, which i declined.

This lead to a fall out. We patched things up after a week. Around this time we were also house hunting, so more stress there. She seemed to be buckling undet pressure from parents to now find a place to live and a job.

Fast forward to Xmas. We were dur to move into a place but couldn't because we didnt have references. My gf txt her mother the news which didnt go down well. My gf started crying at the txt she got back and was inconsolable for over a hour.

She dumped me too days latet as things in her words were not working out. This was a shock as the last time we met she was full of positivity and looking forward to moving into a place before Xmas. The week before she thanked me for calming her down on Facebook as her parents were on her back again. She said i should be a counselor.

Had to travel to her home place to get answers a five hour trip. She didnt want to know said she was off to England in the new year for a fresh start. Last i heard from het was day before ny eve.

Im completely confused over this. I loved her very much. Ive left out somr details, but thats the general gist. Its a long story. What, if anything, can i do?

Thank you for your time.

Rekop dog · 09-02-2016 9:15pm

I'm failing to see the appeal, she doesn't work, complains that there's nothing to do which is a sign of a potentially boring/uncreative person, doesn't invite you to things that she really ought to, dumped you pretty cruelly.

Doesn't sound all that difficult to find someone better than her so that'd be my suggestion.

Whale and wasp · 10-02-2016 12:55am

Yeah, your most probably right. It's just so strange. She seemed to lack confidence in herself and seemed to almost self loathe. Seemed to be unhappy in herself before she met me. A friend of hers told me she was the happiest she'd ever seen her with me.

Maybe i let the stress of things get to me too much, i probably could have been better. She seemed depressed around the time before we split. Im kinda worried about her, but she won't talk to me.

Ursus Horribilis · 10-02-2016 1:16am

What do you do? Nothing.

I'm reading down through this and wondering how you stuck this for so long. It was a relatively short relationship yet it had a disproportionately large slice of headaches, hurt, drama and things that don't make sense to rational people. Things started badly and it doesn't look like they improved much.

I also couldn't help but notice that your ex's parents feature an awful lot in your post. You didn't say what age your ex is but for a grown woman, she has stronger ties to mammy and daddy than she should have. I can't help but wonder did you assume the position of a quasi-parent figure in her life?

She sounds like someone who's quite messed up and has issues. It makes me wonder does she suffer from depression or something. Did she ever go to see a GP? As for that wedding, I can't work out what was going on in her head. You would think that after two years, that you'd (a) know her family reasonably well and (b) it would be a given that you'd be coming along to the ceremony. Had she been keeping you at arm's length from her parents all this time? It doesn't make sense but then maybe nothing in her head makes sense.

For your own sake, you should cut contact with her and move forward with your own life. The relationship you described to us is a bit dysfunctional and not something that improved your life. Do you really need to have someone who's this unstable, unhappy, unpredictable and immature in your life?

mattaiuseire · 10-02-2016 1:19am

Not a whole lot you can do buddy.

For someone to spend 32 months with you and not even give you the decency to talk things over when things go tits up, sounds like an immature spoilt brat. Yes she might have got stuck in a rut, going through the motions, yada yada yada, but what did she do to fix anything and make your lives better?
She lacked any determination to help herself for starters. Buckling so easily under pressure - everyone when they're young gets a hard time from their parents, about everything that's easy to throw at you.
By the sounds of it she threw hissy fits when things weren't going her way and to be honest, don't take it personally but when you're young some people don't want to be tied down, maybe she realised it was getting too much for her and after a couple of episodes just gave up and did one. Maybe her parents didn't like you and we're always giving her grief.
You can spend forever going over the if's, but's and maybe's, but there's no point, what's done is done and your experiences will help shape you for your future endeavours.
Sorry if that sounds cruel.

Ursus Horribilis · 10-02-2016 1:30am

Whale and wasp wrote: »

Yeah, your most probably right. It's just so strange. She seemed to lack confidence in herself and seemed to almost self loathe. Seemed to be unhappy in herself before she met me. A friend of hers told me she was the happiest she'd ever seen her with me.

So in other words, she was most likely a self-loathing mess before you ever met her. Maybe she has been troubled all her life. Someone like that is going to bring you down with her over time. My guess is that she did this to a certain extent only you couldn't see it.

You've got to look after your own mental health as well here. Fixing her is not your sole responsibility.

Maybe I let the stress of things get to me too much, I probably could have been better. She seemed depressed around the time before we split. I’m kinda worried about her, but she won't talk to me.

You found yourself carrying two heavy burdens on your shoulders here. Her many issues and then the hassles you experienced. Every relationship goes through its ups and downs but with her, there were an awful lot of downs. Why is it OK for her to be very down for an extended period of time yet when things go wrong for you, you blame yourself? Did she even support you when you were in need of help?

if you're worried about her, contact her parents. Other than that, you should be cutting all contact with her. I presume you're keeping a close eye on her by Facebook even though you're not on speaking terms. You're torturing yourself here over something you can't change. She has made it obvious that she's not interested in keeping contact with you. She moved to London which seems to be a surprise she sprang on you, she, she dumped you, she won't talk to you. It's time for you to respect her wishes and to leave her alone.

Whale and wasp · 10-02-2016 2:18am

Every thing ye say is more or less true. I haven't been in contact for over a month. I'm doing my own thing and leaving her be.

Yes. The parents seemed to have to be kept happy. Met them a few times, decent people, maybe a bit pushy.

She once told me early on that she was a bad person. So definate self loathing which upset me if im veing honest. I suggested when i travelled to see her that she talk to someone and she refused, despite me indicating that i was going to talk to someone for myself. I wish she did.

DukeOfTheSharp · 14-02-2016 2:41am

Unfortunately this is what happens sometimes. People can be so completely and utterly immature that they run from their problems and never face them, refuse to work with you to solve them and won't make you part of their life. Basically you were a stop-gap, I was in your shoes and trust me, there's no other way of labeling the situation. When she said you 'should be a counselor' what she was really saying was 'you're my counselor'...but when you're dealing with someone and have that mindset, you don't care about the feelings attached to the thing you want.

I can't put it better than the poster who called her a spoiled brat, because that's how she acted. Totally subservient to mammy and daddy, incapable of making her own decisions, won't get help or attempt to make an effort in her relationship, will cause ridiculous amounts of drama for no reason whatsoever, and yet you'll always be picking up the pieces, worrying about the realities, all while a delusional child lives out her fantasy, only to throw a tantrum when it doesn't go according to plan. You suffered through a hellish relationship with a woman who didn't care about you whatsoever, just what you could do for her. You were a means to an end. Think about it like this: how much worse would your life have been if you had moved in with her? Imagine trying to live with such an overdramatic and unstable human being! This was a toxic relationship, hell, I'd say it borders on the abusive, and you're better off outside of it. As difficult as it is to accept, this isn't your fault, it never was, and it's all on her. You were in a no-win situation. Live your own life, find someone stable and mature, be happy and if someone can't do that in a reasonable fashion for you, get out and move on.

DukeOfTheSharp · 14-02-2016 2:42am

Unfortunately this is what happens sometimes. People can be so completely and utterly immature that they run from their problems and never face them, refuse to work with you to solve them and won't make you part of their life. Basically you were a stop-gap, I was in your shoes and trust me, there's no other way of labeling the situation. When she said you 'should be a counselor' what she was really saying was 'you're my counselor'...but when you're dealing with someone and have that mindset, you don't care about the feelings attached to the thing you want.

I can't put it better than the poster who called her a spoiled brat, because that's how she acted. Totally subservient to mammy and daddy, incapable of making her own decisions, won't get help or attempt to make an effort in her relationship, will cause ridiculous amounts of drama for no reason whatsoever, and yet you'll always be picking up the pieces, worrying about the realities, all while a delusional child lives out her fantasy, only to throw a tantrum when it doesn't go according to plan. You suffered through a hellish relationship with a woman who didn't care about you whatsoever, just what you could do for her. You were a means to an end. Think about it like this: how much worse would your life have been if you had moved in with her? Imagine trying to live with such an overdramatic and unstable human being! This was a toxic relationship, hell, I'd say it borders on the abusive, and you're better off outside of it. As difficult as it is to accept, this isn't your fault, it never was, and it's all on her. You were in a no-win situation. Live your own life, find someone stable and mature, be happy and if someone can't do that in a reasonable fashion for you, get out and move on.

silverbolt · 14-02-2016 10:17am

She sounds like a lot of hard work and tbh your better off out of there.

You can all the excuses for her that you want. its not her fault, shes had it tough, etc but ultimately you cant fix her problems for her. She has to do it herself and shes not doing that.

Its not easy i know but your better off away from her

silverbolt · 14-02-2016 10:18am

She sounds like a lot of hard work and tbh your better off out of there.

You can all the excuses for her that you want. its not her fault, shes had it tough, etc but ultimately you cant fix her problems for her. She has to do it herself and shes not doing that.

Its not easy i know but your better off away from her

Dial Hard · 14-02-2016 12:16pm

OP she did you a huge favour by breaking up with you before you found a landlord who would take you. How was she going to pay her half of the rent if she refuses to work? Bills? Food? The odd night out? You would have ended up supporting her financially as well as mentally. Her mam and dad are coming in for a bit of flack from others but they were doing the right thing pressuring her to get up off her arse. I suspect that if you had moved in together, getting a job would immediately have tumbled to the bottom of her list.

You mentioned she lived 5 hours away - was this the case for the entirety of the relationship? If so, I'm curious as to how much of eachother you actually saw. If it was a weekends-only relationship then believe me, you didn't see the half of her behaviour.

I know you're upset and worried about her, but honestly, OP, you've been handed a get-out-of-jail pass here.

Whale and wasp · 14-02-2016 5:34pm

Thanks for the replys folks.

Thing is, we did live together. We had our own flat for a year, houseshare for 3 months after that. Before all that we stayed over at each other's houses. We spent a lot of time together and were very close.

She always paid her fair share. She was s graduate too, so had achieved something. At the time i went back to college to finish my degree, she got fairly down. Seemed to get stuck in a rut. Didnt seem to have the motivation to look for work or anything, she seemed to lack confidence in herself. I dont know guys. For all the world she couldn't motivate herself, it that due to depression?

Also, early on she mentioned to me that she was a 'bad person'. I've since looked that up and it seems its a mindset people have who may be depressed or loathe themselves, could that be the case?

When we moved into the house share for 3 months sent one cv. She did take driving lessons which she seemed to really enjoy and get enthused about.

It seemed like she couldn't handle pressure. I tried my best to help her, i had my own stuff going on which i was stressed over. I encouraged her best I could.

Whale and wasp · 17-02-2016 5:50pm

Still stuggling a bit with this. I think the hardest part of it now is the fact that this person took off and I never got any closure. I have no idea where she is. I still cant fully get my head around it.

I find it hard to believe you could switch off after over two years. Especially with spending so much time together. I wonder does she even miss me.

There seems to be anger towards me aswell. Last few days have been hard.

Ursus Horribilis · 17-02-2016 7:28pm

Whale and wasp wrote: »

There seems to be anger towards me as well. Last few days have been hard.

Are you still trying to make contact with her? How do you know this?

Whale and wasp · 17-02-2016 9:21pm

No, haven't been in touch for over a month. There seemed to be anger at the time of the split.

Whale and wasp · 09-03-2016 10:19pm

Sorry for bumping this, things still aren't great.

I'm trying to getbmy stuff back from her place. There is stuff belonging to her here atvmy parents place, were I am for now.

They live five hours away, so we suggested ( left to us to get in touch) we exchange by courier. They wont do that. So instead a suggestion was made by them to meet in Galway.

Thing is, I don't drive and as my mother is getting on and a nervous driver she wouldn't be great or used to driving in cities.

So we suggested meeting less than ten mile outside Galway in claregalway. They have a relative there. Won't do that either.

I'm worn out by this. I want to fully move on and leave this hell behind. Never did anything to these people and if we got accomadation before xmas none of this would be happening.

Any advice appreciated

Thanks

batmanrobin · 09-03-2016 10:24pm

Whale and wasp wrote: »

Sorry for bumping this, things still aren't great.

I'm trying to getbmy stuff back from her place. There is stuff belonging to her here atvmy parents place, were I am for now.

They live five hours away, so we suggested ( left to us to get in touch) we exchange by courier. They wont do that. So instead a suggestion was made by them to meet in Galway.

Thing is, I don't drive and as my mother is getting on and a nervous driver she wouldn't be great or used to driving in cities.

So we suggested meeting less than ten mile outside Galway in claregalway. They have a relative there. Won't do that either.

I'm worn out by this. I want to fully move on and leave this hell behind. Never did anything to these people and if we got accomadation before xmas none of this would be happening.

Any advice appreciated

Thanks

Why are they being so difficult?

Is it important stuff, OP, or is it more DVDs? If it's unimportant I'd be telling them to keep it and no longer engage with that kind of stupid behaviour. If it's more serious stuff, get a friend, go to the house and get your stuff.

Whale and wasp · 09-03-2016 11:17pm

I'm not altogether sure why. If I were to guess i would assume its over a txt I sent to the mother when all this blew up. The last night we spent together, when we lost out on accomadation, her mother sent her a less then helpful txt when she heard we lost out. My ex was in tears for over a hour. Said she didnt want to go back home.

When I got dumped, i politely asked her mum would she have s word with her as I found us a place to move into for a few weeks. My ex had cut contact at this stage.

Got a txt back saying she couldn't continue living the way she was with me and that the parents agreed. Thats when i txed back, again politely but maybe emotional that her txt had her crying. I guess it stung.

I'mm not sure id be let at the house either. Besides its fairer to meet half way.

Courier would be best all round. It's a tv, suit, clothes etc.

Ursus Horribilis · 10-03-2016 9:28am

Judging by the way she's acting, I'd not be so sure that just sending a courier would work either.

Neyite · 10-03-2016 11:15am

OP, if they are agreeing to meet you half way, in Galway, then that is fair. They seem to want to meet you for handover in a public place, rather than a private house of a relative of theirs - and that relative has every right to decline to have their home used for a fraught handover of belongings. Are you sure you are not using this handover as a way of trying to engineer the closure or another way to talk to your ex? It's highly unlikely by the sounds of it that she will go - it will likely be her parents meeting you so there is nothing to stop you from couriering off her things to her if you want.

It's not their fault or responsibility that you don't drive I'm afraid, or that your mother is nervous in unfamiliar towns. What they see is their daughter's ex arguing semantics when they are offering to meet you and return your things. You are bound to have a friend who has a car that you can give petrol money to and go collect it from them? Galway is not that big, or complicated to navigate. Chances are you'd be meeting in a shopping centre car park on the outskirts of town anyway which would be easy to find. I guess you either meet them where they suggest, or write off your stuff.

Whale and wasp · 10-03-2016 4:10pm

I understand where you're coming from. However, I'm not suggesting we meet at the relatives place, I only mention that yo show that they would be quite familiar with that area.

It's less than ten mile from the city. It would occur at a public car park in claregalway. I think considering the way I've been treated that's more than fair. This is not about point scoring, it about being resonable and adult about things.

It may well have to be a friend involved that could work if nothing come to pass.

confused and don't know what to do

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