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Valentines day approaching with new girl, potential awkwardness

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  • 09-02-2016 4:49pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    ok so I've recently started "seeing" a new girl (both mid 20s) , been meeting up with her few times a week , occasionally staying over, we've got to the stage where were sleeping together regularly and we both obviously like each other. Although were certainly not officially going out and we haven't discussed that yet.

    I feel a bit awkward with the big V.day approaching next weekend, I don't really want to make any kind of romantic gestures as i feel its early days yet. plus im only 5 or 6 months out of a 5 year relationship so so i'm very hesitant to commit to putting a label on our current situation.

    That's not to say i wouldn't date the girl , but id be interested in taking it slow and just proceeded as is for now. Just to clarify i haven't been with any one else since we started hooking up and im not actively look to but i think there's a big difference between that and going out with someone.

    Anyway i guess I'm looking for advice how to approach next weekends V.day? ... we haven't really talked about this stuff openly, think she's bit shy talking about feelings and stuff, so i suppose the best thing to do is to bring this up in conversation and tell her how i feel about where we stand and maybe suggest doing something low key like some drinks for V.day.

    any advice appreciated.


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    #2
    pookie82
    Registered Users Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    Short version? Suggest a few drinks over the weekend and consider that your date. You could do dinner but this might be too "coupley" or romantic by the sounds of things.

    Long version? You're regularly seeing and sleeping with a girl who could easily be developing feelings for you but you claim to be "very hesitant" to commit to anything too heavy.

    That's fine, but you should probably explain that to her at some point, she might already be considering you as boyfriend material.

    Don't do the whole card/flowers/teddy thing unless you see something more serious coming of this. You'll mislead her.

    How early on is it, exactly? Maybe it's my age (early 30s) but I'm not sure I "get" this whole dating-but-not-going-out thing if it's been longer than a month or two.


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    #3
    pookie82
    Registered Users Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    Edit: double post


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    #4
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    Is there any romance between you already?
    You pretty much describe it like you're fcuk buddies!

    If neither of ye aren't really going to too much trouble, don't bother with the Val day stuff.
    Jaysus, I was wooing my OH with all sorts of stuff and date ideas from day 1...


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the responses.
    Is there any romance between you already?
    You pretty much describe it like you're fcuk buddies!

    I don't know about romance but there's defo affection. id say at this stage were more than FB.

    I think my issue here is i'm afraid of commitment or putting a label on things, as mention I'm only few months out of a 5 year relationship and before that i was in another 4 year relationship. Now i'm not still in love with my exs or anything like that but the thought of getting into another potentially serious relationship has me terrified!

    As someone said this is something i have to make clear to her sooner rather than later, im gonna have a talk with her and tell her how i feel next time i see her.

    hopefully i don't come across as too much of a asshole here, i don't want to hurt the girl. id like to keep seeing her but take it slow, but ill let her know if that's not something shes interested in maybe we should part ways so things don't get messy.


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    #6
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    123V.Day123 wrote: »
    ok so I've recently started "seeing" a new girl (both mid 20s) , been meeting up with her few times a week , occasionally staying over, we've got to the stage where were sleeping together regularly and we both obviously like each other. Although were certainly not officially going out and we haven't discussed that yet.
    123V.Day123 wrote: »
    That's not to say i wouldn't date the girl , but id be interested in taking it slow and just proceeded as is for now.

    eh, you are seeing her a few times a week, occasionally staying over and sleeping with her, in what universe are you not ALREADY dating her?

    Especially if dating her is the same as proceeding as is for now!

    I think you should be honest with the girl about where she stands. Dont do anything for Valentines until after you have had that conversation with her.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    intheclouds wrote: »
    eh, you are seeing her a few times a week, occasionally staying over and sleeping with her, in what universe are you not ALREADY dating her?

    Especially if dating her is the same as proceeding as is for now!

    I think you should be honest with the girl about where she stands. Dont do anything for Valentines until after you have had that conversation with her.

    Agreed.
    Sleeping with her indicates commitment much more than a teddy or box of sweets


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    intheclouds wrote: »
    eh, you are seeing her a few times a week, occasionally staying over and sleeping with her, in what universe are you not ALREADY dating her?

    Especially if dating her is the same as proceeding as is for now!

    I think you should be honest with the girl about where she stands. Dont do anything for Valentines until after you have had that conversation with her.

    Agreed.
    Sleeping with her indicates commitment much more than a teddy or box of sweets


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    #9
    PressRun
    Registered Users Posts: 3,129 ✭✭✭PressRun


    Forget about Valentine's Day for now. Let this person know where she stands. You seem to be doing a lot of hemming and hawing and trying to convince yourself you're not in a relationship with her even though you're regularly seeing her and sleeping with her, there's affection, and you say you don't want to see other people. On what planet is this not a relationship?

    I get the whole thing of having a casual relationship, I've done that myself, but in that scenario you're not exclusively seeing one person, you're not hanging out a few times a week and you're certainly not fretting over what to do on Valentine's Day.

    Either you want to be in a relationship with her or you don't. If you don't, then you should probably let her know that and stop treating the current situation as though it is a relationship in everything but name. You'll be leading her on. You say you want to keep seeing her though, in which case, I don't know why you wouldn't just go with the flow and let things develop naturally? I think you're making things more complicated than they need to be.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP I was the girl in your scenario this time last year. I was seeing the guy involved for 6 months still not knowing where I stood and every time I asked him I got the but I'm only just out of a long term relationship, let's not rush things but I really like you bull**** in response. I eventually saw sense and ended things. Fast forward a year, I'm happy with someone else and he comes crawling back saying he made a mistake letting me go. What I'm trying to say I guess is the grass isn't always greener, there may not be a whole pile you're missing out on by never getting a chance to be single. But if you really feel you can't commit to her just put her out of her misery now cos I can bet she thinks this is going somewhere and is completely oblivious to your true feelings, bound to end in tears!


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    #11
    Lisacatlover
    Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭Lisacatlover


    Cocoblush wrote: »
    Agreed.
    Sleeping with her indicates commitment much more than a teddy or box of sweets

    It really doesn't, not every girl thinks because a guy wants to sleep with them they want to commit to them. Most learn pretty early on in thier lives that sex doesn't equal commitment.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Lisacatlover wrote: »
    It really doesn't, not every girl thinks because a guy wants to sleep with them they want to commit to them. Most learn pretty early on in thier lives that sex doesn't equal commitment.

    But a card for valentines does?

    Regardless, he needs to get straight what he wants from her and make sure they're on the same page.


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    #13
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Ah now Ted you can't have your cake and eat it. You need to talk to the girl and tell her it's casual and your reasons why. If you are honest she can't be upset.


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    #14
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Lisacatlover wrote: »
    It really doesn't, not every girl thinks because a guy wants to sleep with them they want to commit to them. Most learn pretty early on in thier lives that sex doesn't equal commitment.

    Except it sounds like he's not just sleeping with her:
    been meeting up with her few times a week , occasionally staying over, we've got to the stage where were sleeping together regularly and we both obviously like each other.

    It sounds like they were dating before they started sleeping together and now that's one of the things they do together. This sounds like official couple territory to me! How long have you been seeing each other? After a certain length of time it's essentially assumed you're in a relationship, even if you never have a conversation to make it 'official'.

    I agree that V-day isn't the biggest issue here. If you've no plans to be in a proper relationship with her you need to be up front about it before someone gets hurt.


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    #15
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Lisacatlover wrote: »
    It really doesn't, not every girl thinks because a guy wants to sleep with them they want to commit to them. Most learn pretty early on in thier lives that sex doesn't equal commitment.

    If you are sleeping someone you are taking a risk that you might end up tied to them through a child for the rest of your lives.


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    #16
    Lisacatlover
    Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭Lisacatlover


    intheclouds wrote: »
    If you are sleeping someone you are taking a risk that you might end up tied to them through a child for the rest of your lives.

    And if you let someone give you a lift in thier car to work they could plow into a wall.


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    #17
    PressRun
    Registered Users Posts: 3,129 ✭✭✭PressRun


    intheclouds wrote: »
    If you are sleeping someone you are taking a risk that you might end up tied to them through a child for the rest of your lives.

    Plenty of women have casual sexual relationships that don't involve huge levels of commitment. The problem here is that the OP's relationship has clearly gone beyond that but he doesn't want to acknowledge it. It's fine to have a casual relationship with someone if both people are on the same page, but the OP is treating this as a relationship in everything but name.


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    #18
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Lisacatlover wrote: »
    And if you let someone give you a lift in thier car to work they could plow into a wall.

    Im not sure how this is relevant, are you just trying to point out that many activities carry a risk? Surely that is obvious?

    The point I was making is that there is a risk. Its up to each individual to evaluate that risk. That risk could mean a lifelong commitment.

    However, there is no risk of lifelong commitment in giving a Valentines card.

    These are the risks that are relevant to the OP in his situation, not that of taking a lift.


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    #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Just to clarify first met this girl around new years. so this is all happened pretty much in the space of a month.


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    #20
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 21,679 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Valentines day can be tricky to negotiate in the very early stages. You're still maybe holding some cards to your chest and don't want to expose yourself to hurt. OP you seem uncertain and there is nothing wrong with that. But just make sure the girl knows what's what. I think going for a few drinks or having a bottle of wine at home is the easiest thing to do here.

    I was dating someone a while back who got me a "girlfriend" card and lovely present not long after telling me he wanted to dial things back. That came not long after him being really in to me! It was confusing for me. A week later he ended things. I felt a little led on by him.
    So just be clear OP.


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    #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    From what you told us I am sure your lady friend thinks your in a relationship. You meet her a few time a week and stay with each other. You want to have her in your life but on your terms.

    You have some one to spend time with and have sex with. Do you not think this lady deserves more than a man who is seems to be happy in her company but is just ploding along with her. When will you decide that your in a relationship with her?
    Could I ask what would happen if your lady friend got pregnant?
    Do you feel that in a short period of time you will met someone better than her?
    Ask yourself how would you feel if you saw her out with another man some night soon and you knew looking at them they were intimate with each other?

    At this stage you need to chat to your lady friend. I am sure that unless you make an effort with her this weekend she may not stay around much longer. I know that most woman get to a certain stage and they then decided do I stay or do I move on.
    If you with a woman a few nights a week, staying over and having sex you should have the respect to tell her how you feel. If she is happy with being **** buddies that's fine but if she wants a relationship it is not fair to be wasting her time.


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    #22
    SAMTALK
    Registered Users Posts: 2,317 ✭✭✭SAMTALK


    123V.Day123 wrote: »
    ok so I've recently started "seeing" a new girl (both mid 20s) , been meeting up with her few times a week , occasionally staying over, we've got to the stage where were sleeping together regularly and we both obviously like each other. Although were certainly not officially going out and we haven't discussed that yet.

    Im obviously showing my age here but i find all this "seeing" a girl but not "in a relationship" really confusing.
    Meeting her a few times a week, Staying over, Sleeping together regularly, liking each other...
    Ok so whats the difference when in a relationship??


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    #23
    armaghlad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    I can empathise with OP.

    The best thing you can do is be transparent. If you want it to remain casual - tell her that. If you are open to the idea of becoming an item - tell her that. If you still think of your ex and your head is still all over the place - tell her that. If you have trust issues - tell her that. If you really fancy her and think she's the bees knees - tell her that. What ever is on your mind - just tell her. It's clear the only thing stopping you from becoming an item is committing to it.

    I was kinda seeing a girl not long after finishing a long term relationship and I did none of those things. I was quite keen on her, but not the whole getting into a relationship a month after finishing with my ex of 4 years. I told her of only newly being single and that's about it. We had dates, met up, slept with each other and it got to the stage where she wanted to know where she stood and I realised that I had given her no indication of such. Don't be a w@nker like me, no girl deserves that, just tell her your thoughts.

    P.S. A box of Thornton's and a good Malbec for the 14th be grand


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    #24
    Augme
    Registered Users Posts: 5,203 ✭✭✭Augme


    SAMTALK wrote: »

    Im obviously showing my age here but i find all this "seeing" a girl but not "in a relationship" really confusing.
    Meeting her a few times a week, Staying over, Sleeping together regularly, liking each other...
    Ok so whats the difference when in a relationship??


    For me in a relationship there is an expectancy on you to do things, in something casual there isn't. For example when you're in a relationship you're expected to turn up at the girlfriends' friends birthdays, her family events etc. You're also expected to prioritise seeing her over other stuff.
    In a relationship stuff like "Sorry, I promised the lads I'd meet them tonight" becomes less acceptable. That's my take on the differences anyway.


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    #25
    SAMTALK
    Registered Users Posts: 2,317 ✭✭✭SAMTALK


    Augme wrote: »
    For me in a relationship there is an expectancy on you to do things, in something casual there isn't. For example when you're in a relationship you're expected to turn up at the girlfriends' friends birthdays, her family events etc. You're also expected to prioritise seeing her over other stuff.
    In a relationship stuff like "Sorry, I promised the lads I'd meet them tonight" becomes less acceptable. That's my take on the differences anyway.

    Thanks Augme...
    So really its like you get to do the bits that suit you and dont have to do the ones that dont!!
    :confused:


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    #26
    Augme
    Registered Users Posts: 5,203 ✭✭✭Augme


    SAMTALK wrote: »
    Thanks Augme...
    So really its like you get to do the bits that suit you and dont have to do the ones that dont!!
    :confused:


    Yea basically.


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    #27
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    Augme wrote: »
    Yea basically.

    But if you like someone it's no bother to do stuff with them.

    So whenever anyone only wanted a casual thing with me I'd say no because I wasn't bothered being with someone who didn't properly like me!


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