New Relationship

LegacyUser · 08-02-2016 11:59pm #1

I'm a late 40's male and I'm on my way to getting a divorce this year after being in a some what fecked up marriage. A bit of background, my ex drank a lot was abusive to myself and our children and when I found out she was having affairs I stood up and finished the marriage with that I was accused of horrendous things but fought them and then she became physically violent to the point where i have a safety order out against her. Plus some family things going on where my sister passed away during the year and my dad was admitted to a nursing home so I've a lot going on.
I have become friendly with a woman who I like and we get on great, who is nothing like my ex basically the complete opposite, I know she is trustworthy and loyal and she would like to move things on where I'm holding back and I've told her that I just need time to get my head around personal things that are going on in my life at the moment like the getting the divorce out of the way yet I feel if i don't make some type commitment I'm missing out? and this is where I'm stuck so to speak. I will say this is my first time dating someone since I've left the marriage.
Any advice is welcome

LegacyUser · 09-02-2016 10:51am

I think where you are in your head is totally understandable and you don't really have cause to doubt yourself or see yourself as being "stuck" at some kind of impasse, I think you have a good handle on how things are in your head given the circumstances, from what little you've said there. If this new woman is good for you, she'll understand and have a little patience, if she needs something faster moving then you may have to put up with the disappointment of letting her go, but if you have to, you'll come to realise that someone who couldn't move on a schedule that worked for both of you is not for you.

tcif · 09-02-2016 10:55am

You've had a huge amount of personal and very emotional upheaval in the last year (probably the last several if you describe your marriage as "fecked up") and I think your gut feeling of needing time to process all that, get your head around it, before you feel ready to move to the next step with anyone else is spot on. If you rush into something before you're ready, out of fear you'll miss out if you don't commit now, that won't be the best start to any possible relationship.

After what you've been through it's normal and honest to say you're not ready yet, you need a bit more time before things move to the next level. Maybe your friend won't want to wait until you are, which is the fear, but you can't force yourself to be ready if you're not and your head or your heart won't be in the right place to honestly give a relationship with your friend a go. My advice would be to allow yourself the time you know you need now.

tcif · 09-02-2016 10:56am

You've had a huge amount of personal and very emotional upheaval in the last year (probably the last several if you describe your marriage as "fecked up") and I think your gut feeling of needing time to process all that, get your head around it, before you feel ready to move to the next step with anyone else is spot on. If you rush into something before you're ready, out of fear you'll miss out if you don't commit now, that won't be the best start to any possible relationship.

After what you've been through it's normal and honest to say you're not ready yet, you need a bit more time before things move to the next level. Maybe your friend won't want to wait until you are, which is the fear, but you can't force yourself to be ready if you're not and your head or your heart won't be in the right place to honestly give a relationship with your friend a go. My advice would be to allow yourself the time you know you need now.

HelgaWard · 09-02-2016 11:54am

I agree with tcif. You've had a very tough time, give yourself a chance to be happy on your own, before you start another relationship. If you start the relationship before you are actually ready to, it will probably cause problems. A good friend is something to treasure, and if this lady is as trustworthy and loyal as you say she should respect and understand that you are not yet ready to start a new relationship.

njs030 · 09-02-2016 2:22pm

You said you're getting divorced this year so I presume your marriage has been over for at least 4 years?
That's quite a long time and it's reasonable for someone who wants a relationship with you to expect you to be ready to commit to it at this stage and it's fairest on her that you make it clear if you don't want that.
Fear of getting into a relationship is very understandable however all relationships include a scary bit where you have to leave yourself open and could possibly be hurt. It's up to you to decide if you want to let your ex's behavior ruin any more of your life.

LegacyUser · 10-02-2016 12:08am

Thank you for your replies.

Guessed: I hear what your saying, I've spoken to her regarding where I'am in my life and she says she understands where I'm at which I'm thankful for.

tcif: I've and we as a family have had a crap year but we try and make the most of it as you can only do. I feel that when my divorce goes through i just want to 'breathe' as in just to switch off and maybe a bit of a break.

Notjustsweet: My marriage has been over for well more that 4 years its just i didn't have the balls to stand up and admit it was over but I'am where I'am. My marriage was somewhat hard and to say I'm badly wounded and scared mentally and that's work in progress.

I suppose I'm getting out of my marriage at a youngish age and with somewhat a bit of sanity left. I'm grateful that someone has taken a liking to myself and is willing to wait the course until I find myself.

New Relationship

Comments