Mixed feelings....

Pollypistol · 06-02-2016 10:55pm #1

Hi i need to vent and i feel i can't talk to anyone about this. I'll try make it as short as i can...Basically im a 37 year old happily married woman and mother of 3 amazing children, 2 boys and a girl. 21 years ago i met this guy on a family holiday we had an instant attraction to each other and we kissed ( which i still remembering the fireworks) thing is i was actually ating another guy at the time eek. But hey i was young and wild. We arranged a date ti meet again. I decided not to go on the date but had no way of contacting him. I bumped into my cousin in a shop she had been on the holiday with us, she kindda turned me against him as she told me he had 2 kids ( which looking back i think she lied) i was a kid myself and felt scared by the idea. Anyway i told her that im not going to meet him and her and her friend said we'll go tell him. She went and told him. Thinking back i 2as so immature and it was bad what i did. But as i said i was immature and didn't think much about anything at the time plus alot going on at home( parents splitting up...) ok i never seen him again. Until a couple of years ago and since then i see him nost days as our kids are in the same year in school. Thing is i still have that attraction to him and its purely physical because i don't actually know him as a person but the attraction i feel is strong. Today i was out grocery shopping and he popped into my head and i thought imagine if he was here now and i saw him. This is unreal but actually within minutes i looked and there is him and his wife on the same aisle doing their grocery shopping! I felt butterflys. But i thought to myself then immediately, you were purposely supposed to see them both to show you to cop on hes married you're married etc. I would never cheat on my husband, he is a wonderful husband and we have been through thick and thin together. But these feelings are like a reminder of what could have been....feelinfs of guilt, regret....i was so flighty at 16/17 i don't think anyone could of held me down and if we were meant to be together im sure our paths would have met again at the right time and place...i feel quite foolish about all this but i suppose i just thought id come on here for dome advice or opinions on all of this. I hope i can find a way of coming to my senses because its all a bit strange and confusing.

bp · 07-02-2016 3:51pm

I think recognise it as nostalgia to a time when you were young and free. If you don't acknowledge it the fantasy will only grow in your mind.

The grass often looks greener but chances are its an illusion. There is a fair chance the fireworks were partly the moment and circumstances and teenage lust rather than true feelings.

silverbolt · 07-02-2016 4:26pm

Its a fantasy OP. No doubt you picture yourself getting with this guy and all the great sex and times you'd have. But the truth is, you dont know the first thing about him. People change in 20 years. A lot.

Its not a bad fantasy per se, an idle distraction. As long as it doesnt take over, no reason you cant enjoy it.

I would say though - dont contact him or try to find him. Those are the first tentative steps on what can become a very slippery slope

silverbolt · 07-02-2016 4:26pm

Its a fantasy OP. No doubt you picture yourself getting with this guy and all the great sex and times you'd have. But the truth is, you dont know the first thing about him. People change in 20 years. A lot.

Its not a bad fantasy per se, an idle distraction. As long as it doesnt take over, no reason you cant enjoy it.

I would say though - dont contact him or try to find him. Those are the first tentative steps on what can become a very slippery slope

Ursus Horribilis · 07-02-2016 5:09pm

So let me get this straight. This is all over a lad you met on holidays when you were a teenager, fancied like mad, kissed and never saw again. It's barely a holiday romance from what I can see. Why are you fantasising about this and making up stories in your head about this man you don't know?

Really, you would be better off taking a look at your own life and trying to see what changes you can make in your own marriage. You don't have a lot to say about your husband other than he's a wonderful husband and you've been through thick and thin together. Do you love him? Do you still fancy him? What's gone wrong in your life that's making you fantasise?

Pollypistol · 07-02-2016 8:28pm

Odus fell down wrote: »

So let me get this straight. This is all over a lad you met on holidays when you were a teenager, fancied like mad, kissed and never saw again. It's barely a holiday romance from what I can see. Why are you fantasising about this and making up stories in your head about this man you don't know?

Really, you would be better off taking a look at your own life and trying to see what changes you can make in your own marriage. You don't have a lot to say about your husband other than he's a wonderful husband and you've been through thick and thin together. Do you love him? Do you still fancy him? What's gone wrong in your life that's making you fantasise?

I hear what your saying and that is what worries me. I think after being together for 11 years you do get to a stage where you have to work at keeping the romance alive. I do love my husband but i think what the others have said is true like it being nostalgia and thinking back to a time whdn i was young and free. Theres nothing sinister in any of this. I simply found myself feeling a certain way when i see him but the reality is i don't know him and really the whole thing probably sounds silly and i need to remind myself that my life is actually really happy. Thanks for your input.

Ursus Horribilis · 07-02-2016 9:04pm

This guy is the best boyfriend ever. You've idealised him and no man could ever live up to his standards. Your husband is being measured against a man who has no flaws.

I get the impression that you may be feeling tied down by being a wife and mother. It's understandable. Being mum to three children aged under 10(?) is a full-time job. I'm sure you've got an awful lot on your plate, between juggling motherhood, cooking, cleaning, keeping an eye on the bills etc. It's easy to get lost in the midst of the life you're living now, and to hark back to a simpler time. Maybe you and your husband could do with some time to yourselves to recharge your batteries. Would it be possible to leave the children with some relatives and for the two of you to book weekend away somewhere?

Wompa1 · 07-02-2016 9:08pm

Odus fell down wrote: »

This guy is the best boyfriend ever. You've idealised him and no man could ever live up to his standards. Your husband is being measured against a man who has no flaws.

I get the impression that you may be feeling tied down by being a wife and mother. It's understandable. Being mum to three children aged under 10(?) is a full-time job. I'm sure you've got an awful lot on your plate, between juggling motherhood, cooking, cleaning, keeping an eye on the bills etc. It's easy to get lost in the midst of the life you're living now, and to hark back to a simpler time. Maybe you and your husband could do with some time to yourselves to recharge your batteries. Would it be possible to leave the children with some relatives and for the two of you to book weekend away somewhere?

This. I think people get the idea that there's more passion and perfection with somebody else. There never is. The most you could hope for in a new fling is moments of excitement for the first few times then it will turn into a relationship and you'll be right back to where you are now. Only the new guy might have a whole set of worse qualities than your current.

Time to forget about this guy that you admittedly know nothing about. It's a waste of time and energy.

CaraMay · 07-02-2016 9:42pm

If your hubby was posting here people would be saying he's a typical man having a mid life crisis.

If all was good in your marriage, you wouldn't be obsessing like this. Have a think about why you are so focused outside your relationship.

CaraMay · 07-02-2016 9:42pm

If your hubby was posting here people would be saying he's a typical man having a mid life crisis.

If all was good in your marriage, you wouldn't be obsessing like this. Have a think about why you are so focused outside your relationship.

Pollypistol · 07-02-2016 10:26pm

Odus fell down wrote: »

This guy is the best boyfriend ever. You've idealised him and no man could ever live up to his standards. Your husband is being measured against a man who has no flaws.

I get the impression that you may be feeling tied down by being a wife and mother. It's understandable. Being mum to three children aged under 10(?) is a full-time job. I'm sure you've got an awful lot on your plate, between juggling motherhood, cooking, cleaning, keeping an eye on the bills etc. It's easy to get lost in the midst of the life you're living now, and to hark back to a simpler time. Maybe you and your husband could do with some time to yourselves to recharge your batteries. Would it be possible to leave the children with some relatives and for the two of you to book weekend away somewhere?

All very true and great advice thank you. Yes 3 children under 8 is challanging to say the least. Myself and hubby definately need a date night, it has been too long since we spent quality time together. Thanks again

Pollypistol · 08-02-2016 12:17am

Thanks everyone for making me see common sense again. All of your comments were very helpful.

Neyite · 08-02-2016 11:10am

OP, it might be limerence? Or it could just be a crush. We all get them from time to time. I had one years ago. I remarked to colleagues once that I thought this regular customer of ours looked a bit like a well known actor, even cuter. I suppose I had a bit of a crush, but didn't know the guy from Adam. Cue them teasing me whenever they saw him in the queue, and they'd bugger off deliberately so I'd have to serve him - by that stage with a tomato red face. It got to the point where all they had to do was mention him and I'd start to go red. Which made it all the more hilarious and prank-worthy for them.

I only saw him a handful of times after I left that job, so the crush faded in time.

Realistically, you don't know this guy. And he doesn't know you. You met him when you were both kids, and you are both very different people now. Remember that those physical feelings of attraction towards him are probably exactly like the ones you first got with your now husband, it's just that you are used to him. If this guy's kids are in the same school, then of course you'll keep bumping into him, just like other parents you see every day, and in turn, this keeps feeding into your feelings.

I'm not sure though how you'd overcome those feelings though - therapy maybe? Could it be attached to they way life was less complicated as kids? Or maybe instead of fantasising about how perfect he is, turn your thoughts towards the ways he might not be perfect. Maybe he might have habits that would drive you cracked if you had to live with him. Maybe he has flaws you'd hate. I hope something helps you get over this, it must be an awful feeling.

afterglow · 08-02-2016 4:47pm

Hi OP
I think you've got some great advice here already. I would say as someone who's been in long term relationships before, it is common to just get used to and possibly complacent about a relationship when it becomes long term, and is no longer new. I always find though for myself personally the longer i'm with someone the more my feelings row, the more i want to be around that person, think they are amazing to be around etc. Maybe try to think regularly about what it was in your husband that you fell for, what are the qualities in him that you are still attracted to/admire, then also as others have said a nice break for the 2 of ye sounds like a fab idea.
Best of luck OP and hope you get over this, as Neyite commented, it must be an awful feeling and i do sympathise with your situation. I am sure though with a little work you can fix things with your hubby, and if you are honest you know you want to, and give yourself some credit for that, you wouldn't've put yourself out here looking for answers/ideas on how to fix things if you didn't want to so give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.

Pollypistol · 09-02-2016 12:53am

Thanks everyone, im feeling alot better after reading through all of your comments. I need to focus more on my marraige. This is a fantasy i think ive created. I don't realise how lucky i am and i need to remember to live in the now and be grateful for what i have and not what could have been. I really don't know the first thing about this guy. We were all young and free once and life was less complicated back then but we've all changed from 20 years ago....Thanks again everyone.

Katgurl · 09-02-2016 3:11pm

Ah OP don't beat yourself up. Teenage emotions are overwhelming, as we matured we learned to rationalise and gained perspective; totally necessary but means we don't tend to get so swept off our feet by a missed romantic opportunity. I had something similar when I was the same age as you and he does pop into my head from time to time; I was walking up the stairs of a shop in a European city once and the guy leaning on the counter looked just like him for a moment. My heart stopped - wasn't him

these musings are sweet and harmless, it's an idle fantasy, a memory of what it felt like to be young. Don't misread it as something else. If you got to know this man (don't bother though!) you'd probablg find you don't even like him. That has certainly been the case for me the couple of times I took a (less dramatic) ramble down memory lane - both times I thought "ugh, I would have NO interest in this man now"

Mixed feelings....

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