Would you...

LegacyUser · 02-02-2016 10:31pm #1

I really hope this is the correct forum, I mean it as a serious Q (as it is my reality!) rather than an after-hours forum debate.

Basically - Would you settle down with someone who has a criminal background and did time more than once?
I'm trying to be open and non-judgemental as I have fallen in love with this man and we have been together for a few years, however I am also trying to be realistic about the future and what it may hold for 'us'. I have never robbed more than a grape from the supermarket and have no experience of people that have lived a life of crime. I probably have been quite sheltered and am just a bit naïve.

I don't hold my boyfriends past against him in any way, shape, or form, however I do wonder what would happen if it were to reoccur? Would I be left rearing kids alone and visiting him behind bars? That prospect obviously doesn't excite me. When he came clean about his past of theft and illegal trade I was shocked but didn't run. I haven't listened to my family's opinion as I decided they were prejudiced and I went ahead and started living with him. It's on my mind now as I'm really wondering if a leopard can change his spots or will it be a life of drama which I don't want. Every now and again I wonder if he is up to something, I know he would never tell me as I made it clear I would leave if that was the case. Apart from anything else I run my own business in the healthcare field and wouldn't be able to if I was associated with anything criminal.

I hope I don't sound like a stuck up cow! It's really more of a 'what does the future hold' for our relationship conundrum

eviltwin · 02-02-2016 10:52pm

Depends on what he did and if he was remorseful, it would be important to me that he had turned his back on that life and was committed to living an honest life. If he hadn't learned from it no chance, it's no life to live.

power pants · 02-02-2016 10:55pm

I was going to say it would be a definite no for me. However, you mention you have been with him a few years which changes things a little. Is he young or not, does he work now or not. Does the people he associate with criminals or not. So many variables to take into consideration.

What is that makes you think he is up to something?

Best case scenario is that he is more mature now and a different stage in life, is working and doesnt associate with other criminals.

If he is doing none of the above, it might be very likely that is he still up to no good

I would expect you should know the answers if you are with him a few years

tara73 · 02-02-2016 10:58pm

so sorry to hear this.

my first intention is, it all sounds very dodgy and stressful for you. at the moment you have the feeling he's up to something...what's that about? did he change in behaviour?
tbh, I wouldn't be able to have a partner with that background. I would be the same like you are now: Always wondering what he's up to and observing his behaviour. And that's no way of a healthy relationship.

sorry to say, but I think you should let him go.

zoobizoo · 03-02-2016 9:50am

Question is, is he a good man who made a few bad decisions and regretted them or is he a bad man who would do the same again?

There are some people for whom crime is in their nature (I'm sure there's a better term for it) - they spot something lying around, they take it, they see an opportunity, they go for it, without thinking about the consequences for the victim or themselves.

There are plenty of reformed criminals out there. There are also plenty of criminals who come out of jail and are then repeat offenders.

I guess you have to find out which type of man he is.

HelgaWard · 03-02-2016 10:14am

How has earned an income since you met him? Are you sure where he is getting his money from? If you think it might be from dodgy dealings, think hard about what you are doing. Who are his friends now? Are they good honest law abiding people?

VisibleGorilla · 03-02-2016 12:53pm

If they have left criminality behind then I'd have no issue.

SarahMollie · 03-02-2016 12:58pm

It would be one thing is this could be all attributed to some youthful transgressions and he'd totally moved on with his life and made efforts to better himself.

The fact that you think he may currently be up to something is extremely disturbing - for me this is a deal breaker. How can you plan a future with someone who is still involved in that lifestyle if you are not.

Also, his criminal history will always limit him in terms of work and travel (sometimes these two are linked.) I have a friend whos BF was refused a lucrative job in the oil and gas industry as he had an assault conviction from a drunken fight outside a pub when he was 20, and couldnt get a work visa for Norway and the middle east which was essential for the role.

He also now can't go to America on holidays, and they're looking to adopt and this will also be a factor in this too.

SarahMollie · 03-02-2016 12:58pm

It would be one thing is this could be all attributed to some youthful transgressions and he'd totally moved on with his life and made efforts to better himself.

The fact that you think he may currently be up to something is extremely disturbing - for me this is a deal breaker. How can you plan a future with someone who is still involved in that lifestyle if you are not.

Also, his criminal history will always limit him in terms of work and travel (sometimes these two are linked.) I have a friend whos BF was refused a lucrative job in the oil and gas industry as he had an assault conviction from a drunken fight outside a pub when he was 20, and couldnt get a work visa for Norway and the middle east which was essential for the role.

He also now can't go to America on holidays, and they're looking to adopt and this will also be a factor in this too.

CaraMay · 03-02-2016 12:58pm

Why do you think he's up to something? Where is he earning his money now? Does he move in those circles still?

I couldn't do it tbh especially as you gave doubt about his current behavior.

You will have a restricted future with him based on the points above re travel and work.

LegacyUser · 03-02-2016 10:05pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Why do you think he's up to something? Where is he earning his money now? Does he move in those circles still.

Thanks for all the replies to date.

I have of course tried to ask him outright on multiple occasions but he doesn't answer - either avoids the Q entirely or starts an unrelated argument to deflect.

I think the main issue why I have doubt is I really don't know where his money does come from. He does have one income source from a rental property but it doesn't all add up with his spending in truth. He can claim poverty one week and spend €5k the next, but I do think that's partly his impulsive personality which I actually like. I've never pushed him too much on it as he gets very defensive and can be a bit secretive.
He doesn't work per se, but lives off the rental income.

He does have 'normal' friends, I met him through a mutual one, however he also still has dodgy connections that phone him which I have never met. He says he tries to keep me 'out of that circle'.

Maybe I'm reading too much into things but it just seems a bit 'fishy' at the moment. What he does is ultimately his choice and I get that, however I'm questioning whether the fishy present is something I want to live with forever in light of where his past activities landed him.

Is it ever straightforward?!

power pants · 03-02-2016 10:48pm

at the end of the day you are an adult. Your last post seems enough red flags for most people. You yourself recognise these but seem happy enough to carry on

best of luck

CaraMay · 03-02-2016 10:52pm

Yes it's often straightforward but not when you are with someone who can't tell the truth to save his life. Do you not see what's going on here? He's clearly up to dodgy dealings!!! He's really dodgy. I wouldn't stay with someone who can't even tell me how he makes a living.

Ursus Horribilis · 03-02-2016 11:05pm

Are you the sort who's attracted to bad boys? It's telling that you mentioned his impulsive personality... Do you trust him? How do you feel when he deflects away the uncomfortable questions about shady things he may be up to now?

Out of curiosity, what sort of rental property does he have? Have you seen it - does it exist? Is it realistic that he'd make enough to live in from it? Where did he get it from if he doesn't work? Really, the more information you give us, the more red flags/questions you're raising.

It's interesting that you're referring to yourself as stuck up cow. Is there any particular reason for this? Has he called you that for asking uncomfortable questions about what he's up to?

My feeling is that you're finally listening to your gut after years of ignoring your misgivings. You're not stuck up for having doubts about this man. To be honest, you would be better off getting out now. You obviously don't trust him and I can't say I blame you. With most of these sorts of people, the long arm of the law or their own counterparts eventually catch up with them. Depending on what sorts of shenanigans he's involved in, you could be placing yourself in danger. I also wonder what sort of father he'd be to your children seeing as he's not working, is impulsive and doesn't appear to have a straight bone in his body.

Dial Hard · 04-02-2016 12:27am

Anyone spending 5k a week without a VERY visible means to earn that kind of money isn't coming by it honestly.

But, as Power Pants has already pointed out, you know that already. You've even said that his "impulsive" nature is attractive to you. So, tbh, I don't think anything anyone here has to say to you is going to make any difference.

silverharp · 04-02-2016 12:58am

How about an appeal from science? If he has impulse control issues , there is a chance this is genetic and that these traits will be passed onto kids. there have been studies done and kids that have a criminal parent are more likely to have kids that will become criminals.

PinkLemonade · 04-02-2016 7:45am

His criminal behaviour is not in his past, it's a no brainer

Shrap · 04-02-2016 8:43am

Stuckupcow wrote: »

What he does is ultimately his choice and I get that, however I'm questioning whether the fishy present is something I want to live with forever in light of where his past activities landed him.

Is it ever straightforward?!

I'll tell you something that's straightforward - what you do is ultimately your choice too. One thing you haven't mentioned in your last comment (or your first) that is pretty glaring by it's absence, is that this 5,000 he blows from time to time had to come from somewhere.

Not to be too moralistic about it as I've had my moments associating with folk who drove to the dole-office in unregged BMWs, covered in gold jewellry (in my late teens, in the UK), but it seems to me that your only issue about your fella's lifestyle is that it could go tits up in a ditch and land him in jail. That's a risk you'll always take when you're involved with someone who's money came off the back of someone else's misery.

If you can wilfully ignore this fact (I'm kind of imagining you reading this and getting all defensive about him just living off his rental income...), then maybe you're perfect for each other OP. Carry on, or not. Choice is all your's.

DaisyD2 · 04-02-2016 9:17am

OP, as I see it you have two choices here,

1) Wake up... To Reality!

The man you share a bed with will not tell you where his income comes from. An income from rental property would be due on x day of week/month & is easily accounted for.

Or

2) Wake up... To a CAB raid when they come to confiscate the proceeds of crime your boyfriend is obviously engaged in.

He already picks fights to put you off asking questions, what will his mood be like when income drys up & his energy is spent in court proceedings trying to get his "insert ill gotten gains" back?!

I had an aquaintence years ago who would show his colostomy bag off in a bar to prove to everyone (whether they asked or not!) the huge settlement he lived off following a very serious car accident.

Nobody in the bar would begrudge him, question where he got his drink money or want to swap lives with him yet the man you live with, share a bed with & want to spend your life with can't tell you where his money comes from?

Yeah, good luck with that

HelgaWard · 04-02-2016 10:03am

I really hope he is supporting his existing children with his income, where ever it is coming from. He sounds proper dodgy, so you need to decide if you and your possibly future children can live with that. Personally I'd be running for the hills. Trouble breeds trouble.

Ursus Horribilis · 04-02-2016 10:13am

A CAB raid is preferable to other knocks on the door he might receive. All you have to do is look at the news and see stories of people "known to the Gardai" who've been murdered or gone missing.

Already you've taken a very morally ambiguous position on this. You *know* he's up to something but you're washing your hands of the situation. All this talk of 'it's his choice' sounds like what a mafia wife would say. Are you saying that if you knew he could continue his criminal ways and not get arrested, that you'd be happy to continue on with the relationship?

If he's continuing to engage in criminal activity, which I believe he is, it's more likely than not that the Gardai will catch up with him at some stage. There are no friends in the criminal world.

fatherted1969 · 04-02-2016 10:14am

Claiming innocence if and when CAB come calling is no defence. If you think he's spending more than he's earning then you have to believe he's getting this income from dodgy dealings. You need to have a serious think about where you want your future to go with this lad. If it were me i'd have to leave.

stargazer 68 · 04-02-2016 10:25am

Odus fell down wrote: »

A CAB raid is preferable to other knocks on the door he might receive. All you have to do is look at the news and see stories of people "known to the Gardai" who've been murdered or gone missing.
.

Apart from the above the Gardai will catch up with him sooner or later. A relative of mine has an ex husband just out of prison and has to be home by a certain time. Several times he has received a visit from the Gardai at 3am/4am just to make sure he is where he is supposed to be.

Now he regularly has his children stay with him and they have been up during the night because of this. IMO I wouldn't let them stay with him but thats her choice as one night it may not be the Gardai banging down the door!

Neyite · 04-02-2016 11:07am

You've mentioned that you are self employed in a sector where association with criminality would be a death knell to your career.

So not only could he badly impact your relationship and home life if he gets caught doing something illegal, his actions will wipe out your career too? All that hard work you've put in to building up your own business, client networking, all those hours you slogged to get yourself a career that keeps you afloat, you are risking on someone who refuses to even be truthful on a basic level with you.

The numbers don't add up. He's not going to get €5,000 from a single rental property in a month. Does he not have a mortgage to pay? And if he doesn't, that's also a red flag - the only people I know with fully paid off mortgages under 45 are either people who inherited property, people who won a lotto sum, or people who have very successful careers & businesses (and successful people are not broke one day and flush the next.)

But you haven't listened when your family broached concerns about this relationship. You are not even listening to yourself. So I hope that this thread will get you thinking seriously.

It would be very different answers here if it was all in a past and he'd transparently made a successful effort to go straight. But it's pretty obvious that he is still a criminal - to us strangers on the internet, to your family, to you. Question is, does it make a difference to you? It's very likely that his gains come at the expense of human misery somewhere - for example, theft, dealing or pimping. He is fine with that. He can sleep at night just fine I imagine. And by staying with him, you more or less are too- its only when his crimes impact on you or your own loved ones that you might sit up and see what he is.

osarusan · 04-02-2016 12:15pm

Get the hell away from him.

His next arrest and conviction could not only be the end of him, but could also be the end of your career, your home, and if he is not 'keeping you out of the circle' as much as you think (such as storing drugs at home), you could end up in trouble with the law too.

Please don't even think of introducing kids into that possible future.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2016 12:36pm

power pants wrote: »

at the end of the day you are an adult. Your last post seems enough red flags for most people. You yourself recognise these but seem happy enough to carry on

Thanks to everyone for their comments. I do appreciate them all and will take them on board.

Power pants I wouldn't have posted at all if I was 'happy enough to carry on'! I clearly am quite torn, between someone I fell for and live with, and the reality of the future and reality of finding an exit strategy if that is what I need to do.

Yes I am an adult, in my 30s. This is only my second significant relationship ever, I spent 12years with a man I met when we were both 16. I always believed we had life sorted etc however he has chronic 'itchy feet' and in the end I could travel no longer and I opted out to settle in Ireland. I drew a line under that whole thing and I hear from him occasionally, usually when he is in a new country/new adventure. I'm not heartbroken or envious, my life is here and he couldn't and would never offer me stability. I've long moved on.

Fast forward a year of being single and I meet my current boyfriend through a mutual work related friend. Older, handsome, settled here - I moved in with him within a year and we've been together since. That was my initial mistake (moving too quick before I knew his history), however I never had a reason to question anyone as to being 'dodgy' before and stupid as it sounds I thought this was my fairytale. Like I confessed already - I was naive. I only had 2 relationships ever and this kind of crap was a Jeremy Kyle story as far as I was concerned.

The comments people made re.his kids are very true. The children he has already do not talk to him, are intermittently supported, and yes he is taken to court occasionally about maintenance. I actually paid the maintence myself at one stage for peace.

I've just realised I sound completely insane. I honestly never thought I would be in this place, I function as a perfectly normal member of society in other aspects of my life! I'm in so above my head re the relationship and had blinkers on for too long. I think I will go for counselling to try sort myself out and get support to get out. Maybe I need to grieve for the relationship to come to terms with the reality that it is not what I want it to be.

Ursus Horribilis · 04-02-2016 12:47pm

He has already spent time in prison so he will be known locally as a less than stellar member of society. Perhaps you're already being tarred with the same brush as him. Yer wan with the business who's shacked up with Mr Jailbird. Ireland is a small place so you don't know who knows who. Even without him doing even one more thing, you're running the risk of being associated with his criminal activities.

I get the impression that your desire to settle down over-rode just about everything else in your life. Is it still doing so?

zoobizoo · 04-02-2016 1:22pm

OP - quick question - are you from Ireland?

The only reason I ask is because I shared a house with a Spanish girl once who was going out with an absolute scobe... she never seemed to realise how rough/dangerous he was but as soon as I met him I knew he was bad news from his language/accent/nuances... sometimes we don't pick up on those things which would be warning signs if we can't pick up on the subtleties

zoobizoo · 04-02-2016 1:23pm

OP - quick question - are you from Ireland?

The only reason I ask is because I shared a house with a Spanish girl once who was going out with an absolute scobe... she never seemed to realise how rough/dangerous he was but as soon as I met him I knew he was bad news from his language/accent/nuances... sometimes we don't pick up on those things which would be warning signs if we can't pick up on the subtleties

CaraMay · 04-02-2016 3:33pm

1. He didn't tell you that he had a criminal record within a year of meeting you and especially before you were due to move in together.

2. He has appalling relationships with his kids and their mothers and on top of that he doesn't look after their needs.

3. You have issues with your family due to this man.

These are HUGE red flags op. Tbh he has treated you like crap by lulling you into this fake relationship. It's built on lies and intimidation. Every time you ask him what he does he bullies you into submissionl.

What was he in jail for?

CaraMay · 04-02-2016 3:34pm

1. He didn't tell you that he had a criminal record within a year of meeting you and especially before you were due to move in together.

2. He has appalling relationships with his kids and their mothers and on top of that he doesn't look after their needs.

3. You have issues with your family due to this man.

These are HUGE red flags op. Tbh he has treated you like crap by lulling you into this fake relationship. It's built on lies and intimidation. Every time you ask him what he does he bullies you into submissionl.

What was he in jail for?

njs030 · 04-02-2016 3:54pm

One thing that hasn't been mentioned in the already good advice is have you thought about how you'll feel when the guards come pounding into your house at 6/7am to search it?
Imagine standing there in your nightclothes while they search your underwear drawer, your make up, your work area. When they seize your laptop/tablet/ computer. You could even be taken in for questioning!
They will treat you as the girlfriend of a suspected criminal - not a hard working professional.

Also if he doesn't support the children he currently has, what makes you think he will support yours?!!

Would you...

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