Judgement on single life

The Young Wan · 25-01-2016 12:23pm #1

Does anyone here, who is single but has friends in relationships, feel they are being judged for being footloose and fancy free?

One friend of mine has been regularly telling me to stop dating, hooking up etc. She's asked my number, and then said "bit high, do you have an ideal number where you'd stop? Aren't you close to it?"

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

StudentDad · 25-01-2016 12:31pm

I've experienced the reverse of that. I'm married. Married young and I've been told by a few people over the years to, 'go out and have 'fun' sure the 'wife' will never know.'

What's important is what you want to do. I told the people giving me 'advice' to sod off. I'm happy thankyou very much.

So if you're happy doing your thing. Run with it.

SD

LegacyUser · 25-01-2016 1:32pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

She's asked my number, and then said "bit high, do you have an ideal number where you'd stop? Aren't you close to it?"

Why did you tell her? What business is it of hers? Tell her to f-eck off next time she asks something so rude. I'm single in my late 30's now, majority of friends are in relationships of some sort (several been in and out of a number in the time I've known them) None of them would ever ask me something so rude and if they ever did I would quickly tell them it was none of their concern. Unless I was doing something wreckless and I thought they were asking out of concern but your friend isn't she's just being rude.

HelgaWard · 25-01-2016 1:43pm

Next time someone asks for "your number" tell them it is none of their business. It really is nobodies business but your own.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-01-2016 2:10pm

She has some cheek asking you such a personal question in the first place. Nobody should feel under any obligation to answer these sorts of nosy questions. Whether you live like a nun or swing from the chandeliers in leather gear, it has no bearing on anyone else's life. There are couples who have never had the "numbers" discussion..

From now on, don't give her the gory details of your private life. If she asks, fob it off with a ridiculous non answer. Or you could ask hey straight out who gave her permission to judge your life.

The Young Wan · 25-01-2016 2:39pm

Odus fell down wrote: »

She has some cheek asking you such a personal question in the first place. Nobody should feel under any obligation to answer these sorts of nosy questions. Whether you live like a nun or swing from the chandeliers in leather gear, it has no bearing on anyone else's life. There are couples who have never had the "numbers" discussion..

From now on, don't give her the gory details of your private life. If she asks, fob it off with a ridiculous non answer. Or you could ask hey straight out who gave her permission to judge your life.

I like that idea a lot, thanks Odus.

silverharp · 25-01-2016 3:45pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

Does anyone here, who is single but has friends in relationships, feel they are being judged for being footloose and fancy free?

One friend of mine has been regularly telling me to stop dating, hooking up etc. She's asked my number, and then said "bit high, do you have an ideal number where you'd stop? Aren't you close to it?"

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

The other responses are perfectly reasonable , it really depends on how well your friend knows you , or what other discussions ye have had about relationships. What you see as judgement in some moral sense might be more an observation about your relationship strategy. Not much info to go on but for example if you were say late twenties and you have said you want to get married , then her observations could be valid. If you have stated you never want to get married then her keeping track of your sex life is redundant. If on the other she is just the kind of person that thinks they know how everyone ought to live then tell her to back off.

Shrap · 25-01-2016 3:50pm

I don't see how even if she had mentioned she wanted to get married that this would warrant anyone making a count of how many fellas she's been with.

OP, do what you want and are comfortable with.

silverharp · 25-01-2016 4:35pm

Shrap wrote: »

I don't see how even if she had mentioned she wanted to get married that this would warrant anyone making a count of how many fellas she's been with.

OP, do what you want and are comfortable with.

It matters to some guys how many previous partners their girlfriend might have had. So if a friend might be coming at it from that direction I don't see the issue . she might not be , only the op can guage for sure where her friend is coming from.

Neyite · 25-01-2016 4:45pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

...and then said "bit high, do you have an ideal number where you'd stop? Aren't you close to it?"

I read this, and wandered off and still cannot make head or tail of her logic.

.

What does one do when you reach that number? take a vow of celibacy? or revisit all the eejits that you previously dated and it didn't work out with and be miserable with the wrong person but happy that you've maintained this NotASlutYet number?

It makes absolutely no sense and I've seen too many people go a bit unhinged because they had a set number or certain age they had to settle down by in their heads and doggedly pursued their ex to fit with their theoretical ideal rather than pursue genuine happiness.

Numbers do not matter, nor are they anybody's business. What does matter is responsible safe sex, reliable contraception and being mature about sexual health maintenance. Even if a prospective partner asks your number, you are not required to give them an answer.

celligraphy · 25-01-2016 5:04pm

Easy knowing your friend is on a high horse at the Moment and more than likely jealous of your freedom op , if she asks again keep changing your number lower and lower until she gets the hints

The Young Wan · 25-01-2016 6:08pm

Said friend has once asked me not to date/shift/ride guys etc for 21 days. "Just to see if you can do it. I don't think you can." Has often told me she would like for me to "essentially be a nun."

In response to earlier, I am early/mid 20s, no relationships for three years, on the sites "to see what happens" but being realistic about it.

readyletsgo · 25-01-2016 6:19pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

Said friend has once asked me not to date/shift/ride guys etc for 21 days. "Just to see if you can do it. I don't think you can." Has often told me she would like for me to "essentially be a nun."

In response to earlier, I am early/mid 20s, no relationships for three years, on the sites "to see what happens" but being realistic about it.

What the..... Jaysus, ditch that c*nt of a rude 'friend' now.

In my 30s don't plan on having a family ever, enjoying my life and pleasures that come with it.

Do whatever you like in life OP. Just be safe is all.

heretochat · 25-01-2016 6:30pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

Said friend has once asked me not to date/shift/ride guys etc for 21 days. "Just to see if you can do it. I don't think you can." Has often told me she would like for me to "essentially be a nun."

What the??? OP you really need to reconsider who you are friends with. This person seems to want to control you. Why would she want you to be nun-like?

As others have said it is all about what you want to do. If you want to in your own words date/shift/ride that is up to you.

Just be safe and look after yourself

Shrap · 25-01-2016 7:08pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

"Just to see if you can do it. I don't think you can."

Oh my god! Who does she think she is?! She sounds like a nun herself. Passing judgement from the lofty position of thinking she's better than you in terms of the number of people she's had sex with? Are you really worried about the opinion of someone who tries to make a 1950's style scandal out of your sex-life OP?

Idle Passerby · 25-01-2016 8:20pm

silverharp wrote: »

It matters to some guys how many previous partners their girlfriend might have had. So if a friend might be coming at it from that direction I don't see the issue . she might not be , only the op can guage for sure where her friend is coming from.

These kinds of guys are unlikely to interest the OP in fairness. No one should have to live in a way they dont wish to in order to "win" the affection of hypothetical partners.

OP, your friend sounds like a sanctimonious busybody. If she was fulfilled in her own life she wouldn't take such a detailed interest in how you choose to enjoy yours. Tell her to mind her own beeswax next time she pokes her nose where its not wanted.

The Young Wan · 25-01-2016 9:12pm

Perhaps point of interest, but this girl has been in a relationship for four years now.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-01-2016 9:25pm

What sort of person is she like otherwise? Is she normally this judgemental or controlling?

LegacyUser · 25-01-2016 9:41pm

Why are you even telling her *anything* about your sex life? That's your business& shouldn't really be in the public domain. If you start seeing a guy/are in a relationship, fair enough, your friends can read between the lines& deduce that ye are physical. But what's the big need to inform them of what you do in the bedroom/who you do it with ?
Your friend will back off& mind her own business, once you start minding yours.

Sound Bite · 25-01-2016 9:42pm

Op, she's out of line and her interest in your sex life is a little unhinged. Why are you friends with this girl?

gline · 25-01-2016 9:57pm

The 'friend' could be jealous of the op.

Shrap · 25-01-2016 10:00pm

OP, a thought just occurred to me. Is she your go-to friend to gossip and tell all to? Is it possible she's the person you go straight to, ready for a blow-by-blow account of your latest fun/not-so-fun times? If so, maybe that's part of her problem, and maybe you should not do that (if that is the case)....... just a thought.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-01-2016 10:07pm

Is she one of those people who thinks that everyone should be settled down and heading towards marriage/babies/white picket fences? It could be one explanation for her attitude. Perhaps in her own heavy-handed way she's trying to tell you that your current way of behaving isn't how you'll land one of these nice young men. That could be her way of thinking. Otherwise, I'd find it hard to remain friends with someone who's implying that you're some sort of man crazed nymphomaniac.

silverbolt · 25-01-2016 11:07pm

im in my mid thirties, and ive been told its time to ahve settled down and raise a family (usually followed with "you'd be an amazing dad"). My response has always been, when i find someone worthwhile to make that kind of sacrifice I'll do it, until then Im going to play xbox and paint warhammer

Rachiee · 26-01-2016 12:52am

Wow OP I an actually amazed by your friends attitude! it could stem from a lot of things she could be jealous, she may just have a really unhealthy attitude towards sex either way it doesn't matter that's not a way to speak to anyone. Sex is a healthy natural instinct and provided we are safe it's good for us don't ever let her make you feel guilty about your life.

Noodles81 · 26-01-2016 1:41am

I can't believe your friend said that to you. It's so judgemental and obnoxious. It'd be no harm to tell her nothing from now on if that is her line of thinking. Her motivations you will never know but that kind of interaction could lower your self esteem.

I find some women like to imagine they are born again virgins once they settle down and have kids. There are arbiters of taste and morals because they are now in secure ( or so they think) territory.

They don't want to know that you are still desirable to men and have a future where anyone could potentially be a part of it. That door is closed for them and they have mixed feelings about those who are still "having fun". Those feelings can range from smugness to pity to downright jealousy. Which are fair enough if kept in check...nobody's perfect.

So go out and enjoy yourself and never mind that piece of work masquearading as your friend.

I pity her fella...she sounds like a riot between the sheets. Why don't you ask her how often she gets jiggy with it. I bet she'd tell you it's none of your business. But then you're not a nosy nun rip like she is.

The Young Wan · 26-01-2016 1:46am

Odus fell down wrote: »

What sort of person is she like otherwise? Is she normally this judgemental or controlling?

I'll answer this with an anecdote. Guy I'd been seeing from Tinder, date one was Eddie Rockets. Date two was a film at mine on the couch (not Netflix and Chill, but that's beside the point).

When I told her how it went: "you know that's not an appropriate second date, don't you? Myself and *enter boyfriend's name here* didn't do that until we were together four months."

Noodles81 · 26-01-2016 2:08am

"you know that's not an appropriate second date, don't you? Myself and *enter boyfriend's name here* didn't do that until we were together four months."

Well isn't she just great? If that was all at 4 months the poor fella must have liathroidi the size of melons...or getting it elsewhere, ha!

Seriously though just because she did it her way doesn't mean it's the right way for you. She could have sexual issues that she's trying to justify to herself by saying these things. Or be very holy. Who knows? I wouldn't pass too much remarks but if she's such a prude perhaps limit the content to "holding hands" and courtin' appropriately... with a chaperone of course.;-)

December2012 · 26-01-2016 8:18am

She sounds like a plot device character in a bad movie. Yknow, the one who sets up a riduculous premise and the "rules".

Ignore what she says, and don't take any advice you don't ask for.

December2012 · 26-01-2016 8:18am

She sounds like a plot device character in a bad movie. Yknow, the one who sets up a riduculous premise and the "rules".

Ignore what she says, and don't take any advice you don't ask for.

stargazer 68 · 26-01-2016 10:23am

The Young Wan wrote: »

I'll answer this with an anecdote. Guy I'd been seeing from Tinder, date one was Eddie Rockets. Date two was a film at mine on the couch (not Netflix and Chill, but that's beside the point).

When I told her how it went: "you know that's not an appropriate second date, don't you? Myself and *enter boyfriend's name here* didn't do that until we were together four months."

Jealousy is an illness is my usual line!!

kylith · 26-01-2016 11:09am

First thing I'd do is start messing with her; if she started asking about numbers again start revising upward by factors of hundreds '37', '482', '367,000'. And so on. If she remarked about 'Myself and Jim didn't see each other unchanperoned for 12 months' I'd tell her that I'd hate to be so repressed.

But seriously, if she asks again look her in the eye and say 'Mary, why are you so interested in my sex life? I neither want nor need your input or judgement'. If you really want to push her ask if there's something lacking in her bedroom antics, that she's so interested in yours.

osarusan · 26-01-2016 11:49am

kylith wrote: »

First thing I'd do is start messing with her; if she started asking about numbers again start revising upward by factors of hundreds '37', '482', '367,000'. And so on.

Seconded.

'I'm not sure if I should count last Saturday night as 1 or 3, as it was all at the same time. How do you think I should count that?'

kylith wrote: »

But seriously, if she asks again look her in the eye and say 'Mary, why are you so interested in my sex life? I neither want nor need your input or judgement'. If you really want to push her ask if there's something lacking in her bedroom antics, that she's so interested in yours.

Seconded also, on a more serious note.

Regardless of whether it is out of some misguided concern or (more likely, in my opinion) simple disapproval, she needs to get the message that you don't think it's any of her business.

LegacyUser · 26-01-2016 12:18pm

She is your friend, she might be coming from a good place you know..most people judge others by their own standards, but most are less vocal. She may be worried that what you're doing may hinder your chance at happiness, that it's not making you feel completly happy now if all these flings are going nowhere and from her point of view your actions would make HER feel bad/insecure/whatever so is simply assuming it would make you feel like this too. Maybe as a friend she wants you to value yourself higher, and you are obviously going to be annoyed by this because she's judging you and basically saying you're easy. I'm sure she doesn't want you to feel bad, but hasn't the tact to express herself in a way that doesn't make you feel bad.

If having a lot of sex is what you want to do, you find your life fulfilling, and are not searching for something more meaningful right now, then that's all that matters, and just state this to her.
If you're having a lot of sex in the hope it will lead somewhere and find yourself disappointed and hurt a lot then that's why she might be talking like this.
We don't know what you're saying to this woman about your actions, if you're giving all the details then it's obviously time to stop because she's not reacting the way you want, and I'm not sure what way you want her to react to all the details of your sex life apart from just listen. Are you looking for advice? Approval? A laugh? You're not getting that from her anyway so just either don't talk to her about it or say the above, that's it's making you happy so don't judge.

CaraMay · 26-01-2016 3:18pm

do you go to her with all your worries and dramas relating to your love life (if there are any)? If so maybe she's worried about you? It's strange that she thinks you can't stay single for 3 years weeks. Why is this?

The Young Wan · 26-01-2016 3:25pm

CaraMay wrote: »

do you go to her with all your worries and dramas relating to your love life (if there are any)? If so maybe she's worried about you? It's strange that she thinks you can't stay single for 3 years weeks. Why is this?

I wouldn't go to her with everything, no. But I'd come to her with funny dates that went wrong, things like that.

CaraMay · 26-01-2016 3:30pm

If it was a single friend saying it to you would you have an issue then? It's strange but she clearly thinks you can't handle the lifestyle, for whatever reason

PinkLemonade · 26-01-2016 3:55pm

CaraMay wrote: »

If it was a single friend saying it to you would you have an issue then? It's strange but she clearly thinks you can't handle the lifestyle, for whatever reason

It's a pity her supposed friend looks down on "the lifestyle" as you call it, but that's really the friends problem and not the OPs

CaraMay · 26-01-2016 3:59pm

PinkLemonade wrote: »

It's a pity her supposed friend looks down on "the lifestyle" as you call it, but that's really the friends problem and not the OPs

Agreed (assuming it's not destructive)

The Young Wan · 26-01-2016 4:23pm

CaraMay wrote: »

If it was a single friend saying it to you would you have an issue then? It's strange but she clearly thinks you can't handle the lifestyle, for whatever reason

If a friend told me they wanted me to stop dating "just to see if I could do it", for no other reason, yes I'd probably have an issue regardless of their own relationship status. I feel the only one who can make a judgement call on when I should stop dating is me.

CaraMay · 26-01-2016 4:33pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

If a friend told me they wanted me to stop dating "just to see if I could do it", for no other reason, yes I'd probably have an issue regardless of their own relationship status. I feel the only one who can make a judgement call on when I should stop dating is me.

Agreed so best just to ignore her so. Tell her you don't want to talk about it as you find her attitude patronising.

heretochat · 26-01-2016 4:44pm

The Young Wan wrote: »

I feel the only one who can make a judgement call on when I should stop dating is me.

Spot on and there you have your answer. So next time this "friend" makes comments about your dating etc. tell her it is none of her business.

Stay healthy and stay happy

Ursus Horribilis · 26-01-2016 4:50pm

Is it a smallish town or area you come from? Maybe she thinks you're going to get a reputation, archaic and all as it seems.

The Young Wan · 26-01-2016 5:04pm

Odus fell down wrote: »

Is it a smallish town or area you come from? Maybe she thinks you're going to get a reputation, archaic and all as it seems.

I'm from the back arse of nowhere, she's a Dub. Lived with her parents until she and the fella moved in together last year.

beks101 · 26-01-2016 7:39pm

OP it just sounds like you're confiding in the wrong person here.

When I was single and out on the dating scene I used to love the gossip and chit-chat and confiding and explicit graphic diagrams (;)) with mates. But I'd never it in a million years have shared it with Mary from down the road who's dating Seamus for the passed 20 years and is equal parts smug and squeamish and sanctimonious about your run-of-the-mill singleton things. Like getting laid. Or dating a few fellas at once or in quick succession. Or one night stands. Or Tinder or what have you.

I have friends in relationships who still love to live vicariously through the chatter, and then I have friends who are coupled up for so long that they're out of the loop and it's all just a different world to them. They are not the people you should be talking to about dating. Because they don't get it, and often they'll project their own lives onto you - they just want you to "be happy" and "meet someone finally."

Keep your dating life away from this girl. If it comes up, shut it down immediately - "nope not seeing anyone. How's work?" She'll never understand or support you in the way you need on this.

The Young Wan · 26-01-2016 8:57pm

She's said to me a few times before that since I'm on the sites, going out on dates, hooking up, it gives the impression that I'm "desperate" for a relationship and guys can see that. I'm not. If it came along, so be it, but where's the harm in the little bit of fun until it does?

Having read all the responses here, I'm not sure whether or not to confront her over her actions.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-01-2016 9:22pm

Unless you want to fall out with her, which I assume you don't, it would be better to just not discuss it with her any more. Close down the conversation if you see it heading in that direction. She has her own point of view and set of values and you've got yours .

CaraMay · 26-01-2016 9:24pm

Don't confront her. You just have a different viewpoint

Wulfie · 27-01-2016 2:51am

I read this thread a few days ago. Prompted me to contemplate my number (score). Off the top of my head I would have guessed 12, but 8 is probably more true.
I have never rushed into anything,except when cold and lonely on a miserable winter night,when another year alone has seemed unbearable.
Be proud of your score OP ,let your friends know. True friends will congratulate a high score.
I sincerely hope to raise mine by at least 1 before autumn this year.

The Young Wan · 27-01-2016 10:29am

Wulfie wrote: »

I read this thread a few days ago. Prompted me to contemplate my number (score). Off the top of my head I would have guessed 12, but 8 is probably more true.
I have never rushed into anything,except when cold and lonely on a miserable winter night,when another year alone has seemed unbearable.
Be proud of your score OP ,let your friends know. True friends will congratulate a high score.
I sincerely hope to raise mine by at least 1 before autumn this year.

Congratulations.

kylith · 27-01-2016 11:10am

The Young Wan wrote: »

She's said to me a few times before that since I'm on the sites, going out on dates, hooking up, it gives the impression that I'm "desperate" for a relationship and guys can see that. I'm not. If it came along, so be it, but where's the harm in the little bit of fun until it does?

Having read all the responses here, I'm not sure whether or not to confront her over her actions.

I wouldn't bother confronting her, just don't talk to her on that subject again.

I'm like you: I wouldn't mind meeting someone, but in the meantime I see nothing wrong with a bit of fun as long as no one gets hurt.

TBH, I have friends who've had fewer partners than I have, but who have been treated much worse by men than I have been by any fling I've had. I'll take a fun 3 months over a miserable 3 years anyday.

Judgement on single life

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