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Too late to ask about the past?

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  • 01-02-2016 5:29pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've been going out with great girl for 3 months now.
    I'm been in heaven since but for whatever reason I've been feeling really anxious about something that happened prior to us officially going out...


    I've known said girl for 6 months - met her on a night out and began dating. She was in and out of the country for work over the next few months but we met up as often as possible (every two/three weeks on average). We were constantly in contact.
    I suppose after about 6 weeks I began to realise I was falling for her in a major way. We had discussed before that it was a pity about her current work situation.
    One evening around that time,she asked me if I had any other girls in my life and if I'd get sour if she got with someone else.
    My answer was honest but I regretted it almost instantly- I had no-one else, I was really keen on her and had no interest in anyone else right now but I wasn't sure if I could get angry if she got with someone else, given we weren't a couple.
    She said her feelings were very much the same.
    To be honest I took up her question as her telling me she wanted to do other stuff with other lads... and I kind of decided in my head that I couldn't begrudge her that given the distance ( and the fact I hadn't the balls to discuss exclusivity! Ha!)
    Fast forward two weeks and I get a call at about 5 a.m. on a Sunday morning. She was balling and told me she wasn't sure if she needed to say sorry but that she was and she'd got with someone else hours previously, that she was an idiot and that she only wanted me.. I was stunned at the call and told her not to worry and we'd talk the next day.
    I felt awful, but not pissed off in the slightest, if that make sense. In a weird way it made me miss her horribly and just want to be with her. The fact she was so upset, given I'd said what I'd said a couple of weeks previous, upset me.
    I relayed this to her the next day and we agreed to forget it and look forward to our next weekend together.

    She asked me a couple of times in the month following the incident if I was doing anything 'stupid' on nights out etc.. and I kind of worried if my reaction to her incident was the reason for this. I didn't mind her asking though.
    I didn't ask her back myself, I didn't feel the need and I believed she did indeed only want me.

    Anyway, here we are today, her situation with work changed and I grew the balls to ask her to be my girlfriend. Everything has been awesome.. bar the last couple of days where I can't get the above incident out of my head and I can't figure out why. I've got a couple of flashbacks to the phone call and what preceded the phone call..
    I'm really regretting being quite relaxed about the idea of her being with others.. even if it was how I felt at the time.
    I want to ask her if their were their others in the intervening period between that day and me asking her to be my GF.
    I don't know if its fair first of all and don't know if it's too late either. I don't want her to think it's been dwelling on my mind all the time because it hasn't been..
    Any advice or tips on how I could broach the subject (if I even have a right too) or how to get over it myself?
    Thanks.


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    #2
    cleopatra11
    Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭cleopatra11


    Why would you ask? You were not a couple. What she did prior to being your girlfriend really is none of your business.

    If you do ask and get an answer you dont like, what will you do then? Will it change how you feel about her? You really are poking a hornets nest here... no good will come from it.

    You really need to let go of this and try to look forward.


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    #3
    Midnight Sundance
    Registered Users Posts: 798 ✭✭✭Midnight Sundance


    To be honest it's hard enough finding someone you're mad about without throwing problems that don't need to be there into the equation.
    You've said yourself you've only just become exclusive. Also , if she was that urset about kissing someone and told you straight away even though ye weren't exclusive , then I wouldn't be worrying too much.
    Honestly, enjoy what you've got right now. Let the past be the past.
    Best of luck!!!


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    #4
    Augme
    Registered Users Posts: 5,219 ✭✭✭Augme


    I can understand why this situation is sitting well with you. I'd have been pretty pissed off after she rang at 5am to tell me she rode someone else if I was in your position. That seems pretty wtf to me. Two things come to mind with that

    1. Despite you not being official she felt guilty she did it. Which to me means she realised it was wrong, yet she did it anyway? Doesn't sound like great self-discipline right there.

    2. She rang to make you jealous. Lots of red flags with this one obviously.

    3. When she got with the guy she wasn't sure of her feelings and it being with the other guy helped clarify this and made her feel guilty/upset.


    Hard to know how to proceed. Best thing is to figure how you'd react to her saying she was with her guys and what that would do to your relationship vs you not saying anything and if you can then deal with the not knowing.


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    #5
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    AngstBoy wrote: »
    One evening around that time,she asked me if I had any other girls in my life and if I'd get sour if she got with someone else.
    My answer was honest but I regretted it almost instantly- I had no-one else, I was really keen on her and had no interest in anyone else right now but I wasn't sure if I could get angry if she got with someone else, given we weren't a couple.
    So....she went fishing to find out in a round about way whether you wanted to be exclusive. Should have asked you straight out, but instead got an answer you regretted afterwards but didn't correct. Thereafter, she's working off the premise that you were cool with inexclusivity, or even that you would prefer it. Possibly, if she had been starting to invest herself in the idea of a real relationship with you, she might have stopped at this point as you didn't indicate any commitment (not to blame more - she should also have said how she felt, if she knew).
    She was balling and told me she wasn't sure if she needed to say sorry but that she was and she'd got with someone else hours previously, that she was an idiot and that she only wanted me.. I was stunned at the call and told her not to worry and we'd talk the next day.
    Here's the point where she herself grew the balls to tell you how she felt. She may have only realised that she had made a mistake and that she wanted only you when her feelings of regret showed her how much she felt for you.
    I don't know if its fair first of all and don't know if it's too late either. I don't want her to think it's been dwelling on my mind all the time because it hasn't been..
    Any advice or tips on how I could broach the subject (if I even have a right too) or how to get over it myself?
    Thanks.

    People come to love in different ways - sometimes it can be a really shaky start with both people circling each other warily, unwilling to be seen to invest before the other, which occasionally leads to a bit of highly charged emotional messiness. That's what I think happened here, but tbh, I think you need to give her the credit of being the big girl here in having the nerve to go for it and tell you (warts and all) that what had happened made her realise how much she wanted you. She was honest, and my advice to you is to be honest with her too about how much she means to you.


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    #6
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    Sorry, got more!
    I felt awful, but not pissed off in the slightest, if that make sense. In a weird way it made me miss her horribly and just want to be with her. The fact she was so upset, given I'd said what I'd said a couple of weeks previous, upset me.
    This is the moment you keep flashing back to, and more than likely she does too, given that she's already needing some reassurance that you're still into her exclusively.

    I would suggest that your main issue here is the the fact that you really were both in love at this time. You were upset, she was upset, and this was the moment you both found out each other's feelings. A somewhat unconventional declaration of love than usual and difficult one to look back to at the moment, but I think as you go forward and stay in love, you'll have different ups and downs that will take the edge off this one. I would just make sure you don't bury what's on your mind and in your heart and make sure you are as open with her as possible.


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    #7
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,843 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    To be fair, if you didnt ask for exclusivity when you had the chance and maybe gave her the impression that it wasnt important, when clearly in retrospect, it was.

    You already know the worst happened, she was with someone else. What difference would it make for you to know more?

    I think you should really consider how you would respond to whatever her answer would be, and how you'd handle it, before you go asking questions.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Shrap wrote: »
    So....she went fishing to find out in a round about way whether you wanted to be exclusive. Should have asked you straight out, but instead got an answer you regretted afterwards but didn't correct. Thereafter, she's working off the premise that you were cool with inexclusivity, or even that you would prefer it. Possibly, if she had been starting to invest herself in the idea of a real relationship with you, she might have stopped at this point as you didn't indicate any commitment (not to blame more - she should also have said how she felt, if she knew).

    Thanks Shrap, your post(s) has been very helpful this morning.
    I, personally, told myself at the time that by demanding exclusivity at a juncture where we weren't in regular physical contact would possibly put her off. I was down right scared of saying the wrong thing and I think my lack of self confidence made me say what I now believe to be the wrong thing!
    I don't want to point fingers or anything but I appreciate it took two to tango and the fact neither of us were straight up at this point is just life!


    [/QUOTE] Here's the point where she herself grew the balls to tell you how she felt. She may have only realised that she had made a mistake and that she wanted only you when her feelings of regret showed her how much she felt for you.

    People come to love in different ways - sometimes it can be a really shaky start with both people circling each other warily, unwilling to be seen to invest before the other, which occasionally leads to a bit of highly charged emotional messiness. That's what I think happened here, but tbh, I think you need to give her the credit of being the big girl here in having the nerve to go for it and tell you (warts and all) that what had happened made her realise how much she wanted you. She was honest, and my advice to you is to be honest with her too about how much she means to you.[/QUOTE]

    Yeah I'm pretty sure she probably only copped that it was a mistake after the fact, which I have no right to feel aggrieved about.
    I gained a lot of respect for her that morning and also began to cop that she did genuinely have very strong feelings for me.
    I think the issue might be that I did not give myself enough credit following that morning- as mentioned when she asked me about others after that day I didn't ask back.
    I think I was scared of what the answer might be. For months though, It hadn't crossed my mind until the last few days.

    Thanks re your last paragraph- it is unconventional in a sense but maybe it helped us realise each others feelings so maybe I owe the guy a high five... :/

    To be honest I do feel a lot better after reading the response this morning, so thanks folks.
    Head is a lot clearer but I guess if it does fester again the best thing is to address it with her.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    AngstBoy wrote: »

    To be honest I do feel a lot better after reading the response this morning, so thanks folks.
    Head is a lot clearer but I guess if it does fester again the best thing is to address it with her.
    Great post apart from the last sentence. This is your issue. No need to 'address it with her' - ever.


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    #10
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,241 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    Ringing you at 5am and dumping this on you was very selfish. Crying and getting you to console her also seems selfish. Asking if you made any stupid mistakes when you still weren't exclusive and she had already done it herself seems selfish.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Potatoeman wrote: »
    Ringing you at 5am and dumping this on you was very selfish. Crying and getting you to console her also seems selfish. Asking if you made any stupid mistakes when you still weren't exclusive and she had already done it herself seems selfish.

    A) Yes it was a shock to the system. Selfish.. I don't know. As I said there was no anger. Ultimately the next day I appreciated the fact she had told me in a strange way. We might have never got to this point where we were open but for that phone call.

    B) She didn't ask me to console her (and I didn't initially.) She was crying. Is it selfish to cry?

    C) I'm not sure how that is selfish. She was entitled to ask me what she wanted and I was entitled not to answer or ask her back etc.

    As you can see I am taking exception to you calling her selfish :)
    As I've said I'm not faulting the girl for doing what she did. I have no right to fault her.

    I felt down over the weekend for the reasons previously outlined. I wasn't bearing any animosity towards her. Maybe it was a fear of the unkown, an unknown which may or may not have been my business :)


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    #12
    frostyjacks
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭frostyjacks


    Why did she feel the need to get with someone on order to reveal her true feelings? It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it.


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    #13
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,241 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    AngstBoy wrote: »
    A) Yes it was a shock to the system. Selfish.. I don't know. As I said there was no anger. Ultimately the next day I appreciated the fact she had told me in a strange way. We might have never got to this point where we were open but for that phone call.

    B) She didn't ask me to console her (and I didn't initially.) She was crying. Is it selfish to cry?

    C) I'm not sure how that is selfish. She was entitled to ask me what she wanted and I was entitled not to answer or ask her back etc.

    As you can see I am taking exception to you calling her selfish :)
    As I've said I'm not faulting the girl for doing what she did. I have no right to fault her.

    I felt down over the weekend for the reasons previously outlined. I wasn't bearing any animosity towards her. Maybe it was a fear of the unkown, an unknown which may or may not have been my business :)

    A) Could she not do it face to face or at a reasonable time?

    B) Crying can be emotional manipulation. I don't know if that is the case here.

    C) It was how she described it in your post, as you doing something stupid when she was the one that had already done it herself.

    I thought exclusive was an American thing. Exclusive implies a more serious relationship as in boyfriend/girlfriend. Where you may not be ready to commit that, it does not mean you are sleeping with other people.


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