wife's diminishing sex drive

scrubber72 · 18-03-2015 9:37am #1

Hi, looking for advice here.
My wife and I are married 5 years and have one child.
We are healthy and I do find my wife attractive and love her very much
I am also in pretty good physical shape.

Our sex life was never "crazy" or over active, around once or twice a week until when trying for our child ( maybe everyday for a week.)
Since the arrival of our child, now 2 years old, her willingness to have sex has dropped and it's got to a stage where it's lucky if we have it once every month.
I have tried talking about it to her but mostly get the " at the weekend we can" but then when I try it's " I'm too tired".
Now she works days and I work evenings so I mind our kid during the day before dropping her off with the missus.
We are both tired come the weekend but i am not that tired that I don't want sex.
I do the majority of the house work too and I have tried taking her out for meals and drinks to help keep some romance but can't do it every week as we don't make much.
The sex isn't that great either as it's just missionary or her getting oral. No other positions are entertained.
She has stated that she hates giving oral which I understand and have never received from her but sometimes I think if I just looked after myself (mastrbate) I would be better off.
I reckon this year we have had sex 3 times.

I would never cheat on her. Even when I have been hit on before on nights out with the lads I straight up say I am happily married.

She talks about a second child but again unless it happens by accident I can't see it.

I reckon this is quite common and happens on both sides but it scares me to think that living the next 40 years like this is crazy ( not that I see us still having sex at 80 but you know what I mean)

It's being to affect my performance over the last few months as I reach the point of no return too quick unless I have quite a few drinks which I don't want to rely on.
She seems pretty happy otherwise and we talk a lot about day to day stuff but it's like she is very distance or just thinking of herself when it comes to anything sexual

thanks for reading.

nc19 · 18-03-2015 9:59am

Is she on the pill??

similar situation with me was found to be hormones in the pill messing up sex drive

scrubber72 · 18-03-2015 10:03am

nc19 wrote: »

Is she on the pill??

similar situation with me was found to be hormones in the pill messing up sex drive

Nope. Not since coming off it before our first.

nc19 · 18-03-2015 11:41am

scrubber72 wrote:

Nope. Not since coming off it before our first.

you need to really explain to her what this is doing to you and without threatening tell her that you can not live the rest of your life like this and you certainly should not be thinking about another baby until this is sorted.

Dog of Tears · 18-03-2015 11:52am

You're going to have to talk about it.

Explain to your wife that you're not happy with the current situation.

Listen to what she has to say.

Agree to set aside a 'date-night' once a week. Don't make it all about sex. Cook a nice meal, get a nice bottle of wine, give each other massages.

Don't let the situation continue as it is now - you'll only become bitter and resentful.

The Princess Bride · 18-03-2015 11:58am

Like so many of these "declining sexual drive" threads here, I feel sad reading this.
I echo what the previous poster has written, you do need to choose your time and place(not home) and sit down and talk together.
Tell her you love her, that you find her very attractive and that you miss the absent physical side of things.Ask her what she wants sexually and see can you both compromise in anyway.
I hate to ask, but does she still fancy you?Do you kiss, hug, cuddle still?

I know some people who started off like this, said they'd never cheat, but when the weeks without sex dragged into months, the frustration grew and in time, they had affairs-yes, the guilt was terrible - but they couldn't live without the physical side of their relationship.
And their spouses(both men and women) never found out and were never bothered that their sex lives were null and void- very sad, hence the urgency to discuss this now, before it gets worse.
It's far too easy for happily married, sexually content people to wonder how marriages go stale, but the fear of leaving their children, a stable home- leaves a lot of couples not completely happy but fearing confrontation and discussion.

For the record, I also cannot see why you wouldn't want to be having sex at 80- it's a fantastic way to express ourselves, why shouldn't we be doing it for many decades?

scrubber72 · 18-03-2015 12:11pm

Thanks for replies everyone. I have tried all the suggested things but we just go back again to once in a blue moon. Something I omitted to mention is that she has become a lot closer to one of her friends in the past year (who is single and bi) and I get the feeling something could be happening, I have jokingly mentioned this and she really doesn't like it when I do. Hardly something going on? Is there?

njs030 · 18-03-2015 12:39pm

scrubber72 wrote: »

Thanks for replies everyone. I have tried all the suggested things but we just go back again to once in a blue moon. Something I omitted to mention is that she has become a lot closer to one of her friends in the past year (who is single and bi) and I get the feeling something could be happening, I have jokingly mentioned this and she really doesn't like it when I do. Hardly something going on? Is there?

That's a big leap from lack of sex to your wife becoming bi-sexual. Is there any reason for that thought?

Was there any point you were happy with your sex life? A time you could say to your wife you'd like to go back to?

scrubber72 · 18-03-2015 12:54pm

notjustsweet wrote: »

That's a big leap from lack of sex to your wife becoming bi-sexual. Is there any reason for that thought?

Was there any point you were happy with your sex life? A time you could say to your wife you'd like to go back to?

It was just an after thought. Probably nothing but someone may of gone through this so can shed some light. Trying to cover all angles.

nc19 · 18-03-2015 1:11pm

scrubber72 wrote:

.....she has become a lot closer to one of her friends in the past year (who is single and bi) and I get the feeling something could be happening, I have jokingly mentioned this and she really doesn't like it when I do. Hardly something going on? Is there?

if this is the case then she needs to be honest and let you move on

hagoonabear · 18-03-2015 1:41pm

some women can be like this after having a child they might feel the child is number one priority which they are but feel too tired to have sex or not attractive anymore. are you still the same since you first met etc in shape? maybe you both need to rekindle, one great way would be to have a date night and I don't Mean just having dinner. have a few drinks, talk about old times like how you first met, what great is to ask couple questions which you can Google can start off a great long convo and get a few laughs too, and if all else fails remember some women are well we like to feel pretty and most but not all hate when a man mentions anything about other women, sucj as you said you get hit on, maybeention it to her it could spark some jealous feelings and let her think oh god I could loose him,

skallywag · 18-03-2015 2:14pm

You have my full empathy OP. It sounds like your wife is just going through the motions as seldom as possible in order to keep the peace, etc. I once knew a woman who struggled to maintain the attraction once she was over the honeymoon phase of every relationship which she got into, without any apparent reasoning behind it. It sounds to me that you are dealing with the whole situation exceptionally well. I am afraid that I cannot offer you much in the way of advice apart from echoing what the others have already said.

Blue Iris · 18-03-2015 4:26pm

It's a difficult situation as you've done a lot of talking about it and this hasn't resolved it. Quite a few women go off sex after having children for a whole range of reasons.

She could be getting emotional needs met in her friendship which isn't a bad thing but you could try to look at ways you could meet some of these emotional needs yourself.

It might be helpful to see a sex therapist if she would be open to that. You could research it and give her the information stressing that it's not just a problem she has with lack of drive but a problem for the relationship between the two of you that can sometimes be resolved fairly easily. Best of luck.

LorMal · 23-03-2015 10:04pm

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Like so many of these "declining sexual drive" threads here, I feel sad reading this.
I echo what the previous poster has written, you do need to choose your time and place(not home) and sit down and talk together.
Tell her you love her, that you find her very attractive and that you miss the absent physical side of things.Ask her what she wants sexually and see can you both compromise in anyway.
I hate to ask, but does she still fancy you?Do you kiss, hug, cuddle still?

I know some people who started off like this, said they'd never cheat, but when the weeks without sex dragged into months, the frustration grew and in time, they had affairs-yes, the guilt was terrible - but they couldn't live without the physical side of their relationship.
And their spouses(both men and women) never found out and were never bothered that their sex lives were null and void- very sad, hence the urgency to discuss this now, before it gets worse.
It's far too easy for happily married, sexually content people to wonder how marriages go stale, but the fear of leaving their children, a stable home- leaves a lot of couples not completely happy but fearing confrontation and discussion.

For the record, I also cannot see why you wouldn't want to be having sex at 80- it's a fantastic way to express ourselves, why shouldn't we be doing it for many decades?

It has been 15 years for me. I have stuck it out for the sake of the kids. Now I regret all that lost time....I am still in the marriage but I now wish I had never met my wife sometimes. My need to be a good Dad and a loyal partner has cost me so much..no affection, no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no sex...never.

Tresra · 25-03-2015 9:27am

LorMal wrote: »

It has been 15 years for me. I have stuck it out for the sake of the kids. Now I regret all that lost time....I am still in the marriage but I now wish I had never met my wife sometimes. My need to be a good Dad and a loyal partner has cost me so much..no affection, no sex, no hugs, no kisses, no sex...never.

You really need to break up with her, that's depressing.

LegacyUser · 26-03-2015 11:14pm

scrubber72,
Your post is so sad to read , one of the saddest I have read on here.
I have been in a lonely long term relationship before, a relationship of many years.
I would advise you to get some counselling, it was a great help to me. Ask your wife to go with you, but if not you can go by yourself as it is very helpful.
A lot of times one person in a relationship is doing all that they can and the other person is just coasting along taking a kinda lazy way of being a loving partner.
Everybody needs physical love and affection. I know people in their 70s who are still sexual with each other..it's a very important part of being a couple.
Your wife is maybe so wrapped up in her day to day life that she has lost touch with you on a very basic natural level. It happens to many people men and women both.
Also she is working outside the home and is talking about another baby..many friends of mine were broody for a second baby but terrified at the prospect of juggling paid work with 2 kids.
Everybody is so excited with baby number one because you have no clue of the impact a baby has, and this is much more magnified if you work outside the home. Could it be that on some level she is avoiding getting pregnant until you can afford for her to stay home? Please don't be offended as you may already have said that you will support her, or she may prefer to work outside the home as not every woman wants to be at home.
I hope you can sort things out, especially for the sake of your baby.

LegacyUser · 28-03-2015 5:58am

scrubber72 wrote: »

Thanks for replies everyone. I have tried all the suggested things but we just go back again to once in a blue moon. Something I omitted to mention is that she has become a lot closer to one of her friends in the past year (who is single and bi) and I get the feeling something could be happening, I have jokingly mentioned this and she really doesn't like it when I do. Hardly something going on? Is there?

I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions just because she is friendly with a woman (who also happens to bi/single.)

Two things stick out in your paragraph though:

'become a lot closer to one of her friends'...
In what way, I mean they were friends before but in what way have they become closer, do they hang out together a lot, if so is it just with each other or is it in group of others? Do they text a lot?

'I get the feeling something could be happening' ...
what is driving that feeling? Is it a vague 'maybe that's a possibility', or do you feel you have any other things to base your feelings on? Behaviour wise from her ( I dunno like for e.g. getting lots of texts/keeping her phone away from you?)

I wouldn't read too much into the fact that she doesn't like if you joke about them (depending on the exact emotional response you got), if you have nothing to base your feeling on and there wasn't anything going on, it would be like joking with you if one of your mates was gay/bi who you happened to be friends with too (it could come across as insecure/juvenile).

vasch_ro · 05-04-2015 6:15pm

if it makes you feel any better your not alone, in exactly the same position....

LegacyUser · 05-04-2015 6:44pm

I had the same problem.
Married 8 years now, ended up in the same situation as you OP.
Sex once a month if lucky.
Always makin the first move only be pushed away with excuses of being tired, headache ect..
It was going on for a few years, same if I mentioned it before bed I woul go to bed she wouldn't come up or hours after.
The one that use to really make me mad was flirting in situations where nothing could happen
Then when we get to just the 2 of us she would back off.
Well after years of grovelling to her and begging and telling her that I can't go like this forever and threatening that I will leave if she doesn't make an effort.

So August last year I had enough, i put the ball in her court about our relationship.
I decided that I wasn't gonna be the one to leave our marriage.( we have 2 kids , new house )
But I also wasn't gonna be in a sexless situation either or being held to ransom that I will have to leave if i dont like it.
So I told Her i was gonna get it somewhere else and I wasn't leaving either.
So I did.
So I now have a lover I have sex with every week for a few hours in the evening.
Wife knows about it and if she doesn't like it she can leave.
We are still together, actually getting on better than before.
The horniness between us is unreal, we don't have regular sex anymore ( she said I will Never have her again if I do this, I said ok)

But we kiss and grind and tease each other , which she never did when I wasn't going somewhere else.
She actually wants me more than she ever did.
What gonna happen in the future I don't know but I had enough of that crap.
It's cruel and torture for the other person and its like they don't care.
I'm not saying do this, but enough was enough for me.

ShaShaBear · 05-04-2015 10:57pm

You definitely need to sit down and talk with her.

Being a woman who underwent pregnancy and labour, I took a lot of convincing to get back on the horse so to speak. You remember putting your penis up there? Remember it being tight? Well, a baby came out of there - and holy crackers it hurts. Did your wife end up with stitches? It's been almost 9 months since I had my baby, and some positions in particular are now a permanent no-go due to the pressure on what I thought would be a perfectly healed wound.
Not to mention the insecurities about my lady bits holding the same mystique as before, or the excess "pouch" that dangles where I used to be firm, and the stretch marks all over my saggy boobs, tummy and thighs.

Only for the fact that I have a ridiculously special partner, who stuck at it and made me feel loved nomatter what, I probably would refrain from having sex as well!

LegacyUser · 05-04-2015 11:19pm

I write this from the perspective of a woman who regularly has gotten bored in long termers and have been like the women in some of the posts in this thread.

For me it has nothing to do with the pill or having a baby, it came down to boredom. It came down to familiarity and routine.

Thing is I recognized this was not fair, I had even suggested to feel free to take a lover. I wouldn't mind. This suggestion never went down well.

Other thing is...when sex feels like its being demanded of you, nothing is more repulsive. You just end up feeling like you are raping yourself, like you are making yourself do something you really don't want to do. The other's body becomes a site of disgust. You'd rather be at the dentist then pestered and nagged into sex. Or blackmailed with sulking and subtle punishments, like being labelled selfish.

[With one person, my refusal to attend an orgy was reason for this man to call me selfish. This was a huge turning point, where I silently rebelled, and he became a figure of repulsion. It made me want to **** him even less. ]

Nothing they could do could make me have that charge that was once there. There was no bringing it back.

It's as if something imperceptable had happenned. Once upon a time, you not only had the foreplay, but you had the fore foreplay, the 24 hours of sexuality. And somewhere along the line of certainty and familiarity, this all stops, and I lost interest.

Whatever you do, don't demand sex, don't make it an entitlement. It is a need that needs to be met, and honestly, in these cases, affairs are ripe for the blooming if you can't work it out.

whatdoicare · 06-04-2015 3:49am

Can I just agree and add to what poster (ShaShabear) above said, two years ago I had a section and since then my sex life has turned to poo.

The main reasons would be complete loss of feeling in some areas of my vagina, over sensitivity in others, darn right pain in other parts and my orgasms just didnt happen anymore, no matter what I did, let alone my husband. Sorry if this is tmi.

Another reason was mentally I think I was a bit traumatised by having complete strangers put their hands and random instruments inside my vagina (long before I ended up on an operating table) and the feeling of vulnerability, fear and over exposure was unreal, I found during intimate moments with my husband I got intrusive flash backs of what I described above. To put it mildly, it did for me what imagining having sex with your mom would do for you I would imagine. Mood killer. Certain positions completely made me feel sick. Theyre no go now.

Last big reason.....the hassling for sex. My husband badgered me for sex, the whole flipping time! It put me under huge pressure and tbh I started feeling like a prostitute after a while, I was just letting himself do whatever while I gritted my teeth and willed him to hurry on and get it over with! Now, seeing as a woman gets her jollys mostly from her head and not her crotch, you may have some idea how sexy I didn't feel and I'm sure my husband noticed the difference. The minute he said "time for sex??" And made a grab for my boobs, Even if I was feeling a bit horny, it was like an instant turn off. The sentence wouldn't be out of his mouth and Id be hiding in the bathroom hoping hed fall asleep.

I started avoiding anything intimate with my husband, I even used to change in the hall for bed rather than have him see me naked, I panicked if he went to hug me, I had to have a few glasses of wine before I could even have bad sex with him! It was an absolute nightmare! I was sure wed be divorced within a year! That was terrifying for me and added more pressure!

Its really only now I'm coming round and its purely because he backed off with the sexual advances and hiked up the hugs and hand holding. He didn't come up with this idea himself btw, I broke down one night when he grabbed my crotch and I ended up slapping him! It took me writing it down in a letter to finally get it through to him what I was feeling and he genuinely hadn't a clue! He assumed, like you, Id just gone off him or was preoccupied with the baby.

We really had to start again to build up intimacy and trust for each other. Now, its a whole lot better, not perfect but a hell of a lot better.

I have a feeling your wife might be going through similar. My advice, back off with the sex for a little while and hike up the hugging, kissing lovey dovey side. Pretend you are teenagers again. Take the pressure off her and show her that sexy time is happy fun time not high pressure chore. I guarantee you'll be getting more lovey dovey.

I hope this helps......sorry if I frightened you

scrubber72 · 06-04-2015 9:28am

Hi thanks for replies.
Tried to have sex this last weekend but it didn't end well. Gave her oral to pleasure her (and she did cum) as I knew I wouldn't last long myself and I was right.

Her solution was for me to think of someone really ugly whilst we had sex.

Biggest turnoff I have ever had and no it didn't help.
We talked about it but she doesn't see it as a problem. So for now it's like we are stuck.
She still wants another child but I feel like a vending machine.
I have tried romance ie brought her flowers and a fancy easter egg, spent time with her familyðŸ˜© and done plenty of chores around the house.

She still has some interest in sex as she saw 50 shades with her friend... yes that one but when it comes to us its like let's just get it over with.

She has never mentioned any kind of discomfort down below before or after the birth of our child and isn't suffering post natal depression either.

She doesn't want marriage counselling and thinks that a lot of couples go through this at this stage in marriage.

Again I must say I am not looking for sex 4/5 times a week but some spontaneous or even instagated approaches by her would be nice.

Self belief in starting to go downward for me now.

ShaShaBear · 06-04-2015 9:35am

scrubber72 wrote: »

Hi thanks for replies.
Tried to have sex this last weekend but it didn't end well. Gave her oral to pleasure her (and she did cum) as I knew I wouldn't last long myself and I was right.

Her solution was for me to think of someone really ugly whilst we had sex.

Biggest turnoff I have ever had and no it didn't help.
We talked about it but she doesn't see it as a problem. So for now it's like we are stuck.
She still wants another child but I feel like a vending machine.
I have tried romance ie brought her flowers and a fancy easter egg, spent time with her familyðŸ˜© and done plenty of chores around the house.

She still has some interest in sex as she saw 50 shades with her friend... yes that one but when it comes to us its like let's just get it over with.

She has never mentioned any kind of discomfort down below before or after the birth of our child and isn't suffering post natal depression either.

She doesn't want marriage counselling and thinks that a lot of couples go through this at this stage in marriage.

Again I must say I am not looking for sex 4/5 times a week but some spontaneous or even instagated approaches by her would be nice.

Self belief in starting to go downward for me now.

Just a few things you mentioned stand out. Firstly, just because she went to see 50 Shades of Grey, does not mean she still has interest in sex. It's a movie. With a friend. Besides, the entirety of the movie is based on fetishes and sexual fantasy. It wouldn't be the "norm" for anyone's sex life to be entirely like that.
Also, spending time with her family and doing chores are not romantic

Whisking her away for the weekend while you've pre-arranged for someone in the family to mind the little one, arriving to a bed scattered with rose petals and getting champagne and chocolate from room service - that's romantic! Why don't you try being spontaneous?

As for the sex, if you're not lasting very long, try slowing down or stopping altogether when you feel close. Don't just pump away until you're done and then feel sorry for finishing too quick!

We only have your side of the story here, and you've made a lot of assumptions regarding your wife, such as simply announcing she does not have PND (my mother successfully hid it from her husband, sister and GP for 9 years until she had her third child) and suggesting that because she didn't mention discomfort means she must not have any?

whatdoicare · 06-04-2015 11:03am

scrubber72 wrote: »

Hi thanks for replies.

She still wants another child but I feel like a vending machine.
I have tried romance ie brought her flowers and a fancy easter egg, spent time with her familyðŸ˜© and done plenty of chores around the house.

She still has some interest in sex as she saw 50 shades with her friend... yes that one but when it comes to us its like let's just get it over with.

.

My friend - you would have been better off going to that film with your wife because I don't know about you but going to visit family and getting an Easter egg sure doesn't turn me on!

I'm confused a bit now - she came from oral and then you were unable to hold off from coming for long. That doesn't sound like a problem with her. What did you want out of that scenario? Did you want to skip the oral and just get straight into it? She wouldn't get anything out of that. It would probably work better if you came yourself or with her help before the oral and then fool around for a while touching and kissing until you're ready again. Most women don't orgasm from penetration but from clitoral stimulation - so probably for your wife the orgasm from the oral was job done - and as far as she was concerned you coming after was job done for you.

(stop obsessing about your wife having a bi friend it won't turn her bi - it doesn't work like that - no amount of Christian Grey broodily tying up Anastasia and then the camera panning to the painting above them will turn her)

2devestated · 06-04-2015 12:09pm

I just do not understand women. its a sex - lovemaking between two people who loves each other and yet you are making it like some kind of torturing act.
I can not understand that... have you ever feel that way before getting pregnant? In the first few years of relationship?

Sex should happen when both partners are willing to have it. I just do not get why woman see it as a chore.

athtrasna · 06-04-2015 12:12pm

2devestated wrote: »

I just do not understand women. its a sex - lovemaking between two people who loves each other and yet you are making it like some kind of torturing act.
I can not understand that... have you ever feel that way before getting pregnant? In the first few years of relationship?

Sex should happen when both partners are willing to have it. I just do not get why woman see it as a chore.

I find your post extremely offensive tbh. For a woman the brain is the biggest sex organ, it needs to mentally feel right before it can physically feel right. There are plenty of factors affecting the mental side of things, stress, hormones, trauma... It's not purely a physical act, women are not machines.

zeffabelli · 06-04-2015 12:13pm

athtrasna wrote: »

I find your post extremely offensive tbh. For a woman the brain is the biggest sex organ, it needs to mentally feel right before it can physically feel right. There are plenty of factors affecting the mental side of things, stress, hormones, trauma... It's not purely a physical act, women are not machines.

Female sexuality is 24 hours.

Mervler · 06-04-2015 11:21pm

OP your partner is cheating on you essentially as your sexual satisfaction should be a priority for her just as hers should be a priority to you. Perhaps you are cheating on her too, but nevertheless it is apparent to me that she is not attracted to you yet she hasn't told you. Ask her out right if she still fancies you? If she doesn't break up with her.

Tokyo · 07-04-2015 7:07am

Seeing as the OP has closed their account and can no longer respond here, thread closed.

wife's diminishing sex drive

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