Settle or be Lonely?

shaymus27 · 09-03-2015 7:32pm #1

I am a male, late forties, not working, no George Clooney - not exactly a catch. Have not gone out with a woman in a long time after marriage break up. Have not the means to have a social life really. I would like to meet someone to have feelings for etc. Due to circumstances I believe that I probably won't ever meet someone of my "level". Everyone has their own level - looks, education, intelligence, personality. I am not saying my level is high - I am too desperate and lonely to be conceited about my level before anyone thinks that and wastes time on that thought. My question is; should someone in my circumstances "settle" for someone below my level? Would having feelings for someone who I am not a proper match for, be better than continuing to have no feelings for anyone? I would obviously be extremely respectful towards anyone I did settle down with and would not be unfair to them in the way I treated them. Don't know how I'd even meet someone but if I did...I am sure there must be others of a similar age who must be asking themselves similar questions. I have never in the past even gone on a date with someone I wasn't interested in and would normally tell myself there is no point. At my age and feeling life is passing by I am beginning to think I should try meet someone even if it means settling to some extent. Younger people might not understand as much as older ones as they have more time to wait for a more "right" person. Possibly one more for the older users but any view welcome.

knucklehead6 · 09-03-2015 7:36pm

If you 'settle' then ultimately you will be lonely.

Tilly · 09-03-2015 8:20pm

Don't ever settle. You will be miserable.

iusedtoknow · 09-03-2015 8:46pm

don't settle - you could even feel more lonely in a loveless marriage/relationship than you are by yourself.

Tigger99 · 09-03-2015 9:11pm

You are getting a bit ahead of yourself about settling when you aren't even dating. I wonder if you are, understandably, nervous at the thought of dating again and putting obstacles in your way. Go on a few dates, see if you meet anyone you click with, and take it from there.

By the way settling isn't really about education or intelligence, is about being with someone that doesn't make you feel wonderful. Who is to say that your Ms. Wonderful isn't just around the corner?

Good luck, and have some faith

Saralee4 · 09-03-2015 9:11pm

I don't think its about 'settling' but perhaps be more open minded to getting to know people well and seeing if something can develop. I don't think there are levels. I don't think people really have 'levels'. I know what you mean in that you gel with someone but there are good and bad points to everyone.

you meet people all the time that are different and you change with them or they change with you. You both grow in a relationship. For example you might be into world war 2 history and she hates history or documentaries but that doesn't mean that shes not into the same music as you and can relate to you on that level.

I think just be open when meeting people and find ways to meet people. Join a walking club, or whatever you think you might be into as a way to meet people.

seenitall · 09-03-2015 9:48pm

Hi OP,

don't settle. I don't believe in levels either but I do believe in attraction, and I suspect that's what you're talking about when you talk about levels.

I have been desperate and lonely and I have tried to settle - so you can take it as coming from the voice of experience. It is an exercise in futility. Settling for someone you're not crazy about is a long and lonely road to depression, low self-esteem and feeling like a pirck for not being able to offer a partner those essentials that anyone deserves to have in a healthy relationship - unreserved light-headedness, affection, passion.

I've tried, but it didn't work. I'm too in touch with my desires, which is not a bad thing, if you ask me. So I gave up on trying to force it, and I was single for years, until I met a man who makes me go week at the knees, so handsome, cute, lovely, good, kind, nice... is he.

That's happiness, that's the fullness of living, and I wouldn't have had that if I had stayed with a man who made me feel... mildly more than indifferent, truth be known.

When you settle, you are telling yourself: "This is all that I deserve, not the fullness of love and life, but a dreary lack of passion and enjoyment." And what you are telling the person you settle on, is - lies.

Don't do that either to them or yourself.

I was 40 when I met my boyfriend, btw. Desperate and lonely at 33, happy and having the time of my life at 40.

If you are thinking of these things in terms of age, no wonder you're getting desperate. But the trouble with the "tick tock tick tock, I better grab anyone no matter how unsuitable, before I pop my clogs" approach is - it simply doesn't work.

Best wishes.

shaymus27 · 09-03-2015 11:30pm

Tigger99 wrote: »

You are getting a bit ahead of yourself about settling when you aren't even dating. I wonder if you are, understandably, nervous at the thought of dating again and putting obstacles in your way. Go on a few dates, see if you meet anyone you click with, and take it from there.

By the way settling isn't really about eductation or intelligence, is about being with someone that doesn't make you feel wonderful. Who is to say that your Ms. Wonderful isn't just around the corner?

Good luck, and have some faith

Tigger, Tried to thank you but button didn't seem to work so I am replying to thank you for your reply and good wishes. They are appreciated.

shaymus27 · 09-03-2015 11:40pm

iusedtoknow wrote: »

don't settle - you could even feel more lonely in a loveless marriage/relationship than you are by yourself.

Thanks for comment Iusedtoknow. Hope you haven't lost all of your faculties and you still know.

Thanks icon didn't work hence this reply.

shaymus27 · 10-03-2015 12:19am

Thanks seenitall for taking the time to write so much and share your own experiences. I am glad you met your Mr. Right. The way you describe the way it should feel and the way you felt is exactly the way it should be. Appreciate your sharing.

Emme · 10-03-2015 12:20pm

If you're a single late forties male you shouldn't have to settle. There's a world of women out there for you to choose from. You don't have to be George Clooney or have a high powered career either. Lots of people are looking for work now - this shouldn't be an obstacle to you finding somebody. In a way it's an advantage because it will weed out the shallow gold diggers. Be willing to date somebody within 10 years of your age and you should have no problems finding someone that you like. There is no way any man on the dating scene in Ireland should have to settle, no matter what his circumstances.

quadrifoglio verde · 10-03-2015 8:28pm

I can't remember where I read it bitvit was true. It's better to be single, than wish you were single.
There's nothing worse than being in a relationship that you wish you weren't.

santana75 · 11-03-2015 5:55pm

shaymus27 wrote: »

I am a male, late forties, not working, no George Clooney - not exactly a catch. Have not gone out with a woman in a long time after marriage break up. Have not the means to have a social life really. I would like to meet someone to have feelings for etc. Due to circumstances I believe that I probably won't ever meet someone of my "level". Everyone has their own level - looks, education, intelligence, personality. I am not saying my level is high - I am too desperate and lonely to be conceited about my level before anyone thinks that and wastes time on that thought. My question is; should someone in my circumstances "settle" for someone below my level? Would having feelings for someone who I am not a proper match for, be better than continuing to have no feelings for anyone? I would obviously be extremely respectful towards anyone I did settle down with and would not be unfair to them in the way I treated them. Don't know how I'd even meet someone but if I did...I am sure there must be others of a similar age who must be asking themselves similar questions. I have never in the past even gone on a date with someone I wasn't interested in and would normally tell myself there is no point. At my age and feeling life is passing by I am beginning to think I should try meet someone even if it means settling to some extent. Younger people might not understand as much as older ones as they have more time to wait for a more "right" person. Possibly one more for the older users but any view welcome.

Bloody hell I did a double take when I read your post and what you're saying about yourself. Its actually shocking to be honest. If you dont think youre a catch then I can promise you nobody else will, thats the way it works. Desperate is a very strong word and when you use that to describe yourself it means you'll send out that vibe to everyone one you meet and desperation is a massive turn off, you'll just repel women everywhere you go. The only person you'd meet would be someone who thinks they're even more desperate and the two of you together would be a disaster.
You have to invest in yourself and create a healthy self image. Forget about trying to attract anyone, at least for now, work on how view yourself and seeing yourself as someone with a lot to offer. If you genuinely believe you have a lot to offer then thats the message you'll send out and trust me, You'll attract healthy people accordingly. Dont you dare settle, seriously why would you do that? Do you think another person will make you happy? They wont. The way you see yourself right now, being in a relationship would be a mess. Get to work on yourself, thats all you need to focus on.

shaymus27 · 11-03-2015 9:23pm

santana75 wrote: »

Do you think another person will make you happy? They wont. The way you see yourself right now, being in a relationship would be a mess. Get to work on yourself, thats all you need to focus on.

Thanks for your advice Santana. Very perceptive and insightful of you.

I have very recently bought a book on Confidence so have ball rolling there.

It wouldn't be so much someone else making me happy, as me being happy being nice and caring for someone, and hopefully enhancing their life, even if they weren't completely right for me. I do miss expressing an emotional side of me.

Your point remains and is valid.

Thanks again for the advice.

It seems to be a resounding "don't settle". I thought some older people would say they "settled" to some extent and that that's reality for some people of my age. Thought some might say they are still fairly happy and it has been better than they expected and preferable to being alone. A one-sided set of replies - am surprised, but it's fairly clear what I have to do - settle down with the first woman who will have me! (joking!!!!!!).

Saipanne · 11-03-2015 9:26pm

Why not get out there and try the many free social activities out there?

www.meetup.com has plenty of free outlets. You will make new friends and maybe meet somebody.

LegacyUser · 12-03-2015 9:32pm

There is nothing lonelier than being with someone you don't belong with.

Post big break ups or divorces can really leave the once bitten twice shy wound wide open.

Though conciously we may know we have much too offer, whether its kindness or intelligence or talent or whatever it is, if the gut has been obliterate by self esteem damage, this concious knowledge is pretty useless. (Self esteem and confidence are not the same thing - I have a lot of confidence and no self esteem for example.)

I think though there is something very much on the right track in what you write here. If you look at most self help and literature in magazines and even on these boards, the vast majority of the language is around "getting someone to love me" "how do I find someone who will marry me?" It's one directional in the ME direction.

Probably being unemployed has your self esteem at an all time low too.

Whereas what you write you are seeking someone to care for...to send it in the other's direction and that is golden.

shaymus27 · 14-03-2015 1:26am

Thanks Esteemless/Guest.

You make a lot of points I can identify with.

You say something I have thought for years - difference between self confidence and Esteem.

When I was in college years ago I was more academic than a lot of others in my class who had gone to fee paying and expensive grind schools. I played on class soccer team. I won a provincial title, 2nd Nationally etc. in a hobby of mine. Yet none of this increased my self esteem at all.

I did well in exams and worked in good responsible jobs.

I overcame a lot of these issues but as you correctly identified being unemployed has me at an all time low re: confidence.

I have bounced back since the day I posted my thread and one thing I have always believed in that you touched on is my belief that I have a lot to offer someone in terms of me being a decent caring loving person. I enjoy and feel good about caring for and supporting someone.

Having feelings is a part of me and by not expressing that side of me with someone for so long and not working I just got a bit down about it, thinking it seems I never will again. I have bounced back for now at least.

Hope you can improve your own self esteem. I reckon accepting yourself warts and all is the main way to go. I reckon people who didn't get parented well when they were young are most likely to have self esteem issues. At some stage you have to say to hell with the nonsense about family and just believe in your own innate qualities. Don't wait forever to accept yourself as time goes by.

There a lot of so and so's out there who accept themselves when usually sensitive intelligent people don't - it should be the other way around !!!!

Thanks for post.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2015 11:44am

It is really good for us to love others....it sounds like your intuitive wisdom knows this and something is missing...that this is bad for you to have this missing.

Due to various constraints in my life it is very hard for me to have any kind of relationship, but even without those constraints, previous traumas have left me averse to connection, and deep down I know this is bad for me, but that is where I am with it.

What I conciously then decided to do, was to think about what it means to love another, to be kind to another, and I try to weave this affection and love in the medicrity of my life...it might mean making someone feel better about a mistake they made, it might mean accompanying someone - a neighbor, a friend, to visit an ill relative in hospital, it might mean seeing some figs in a shop and thinking "oh so and so likes those...I'll pick them up for him..."

It might mean risking a a friend's anger to tell them they have a drinking problem, it might mean giving someone what they need, rather than what they want. (the tougher elements of love.)

For me it's a way of integrating this instinct into everyday life, without the risk of inovlvement or the dependancy on the romantic paradigm to practise what is really good for us.

I think it's an interesting idea in terms of rehearsal or staying in shape spiritually while you sludge through solitude.

Ogniochialli · 14-03-2015 1:12pm

You can learn to attract beautiful women, it's a skill that can be learned, the biggest part to it is rewiring your internal emotional circuitry.

athtrasna · 16-03-2015 7:21pm

As another poster suggested, the worst loneliness is when you settle for the wrong person. There's no easy answer but patience is key

shaymus27 · 27-03-2015 11:16pm

esteemless wrote: »

It is really good for us to love others....it sounds like your intuitive wisdom knows this and something is missing...that this is bad for you to have this missing.

Due to various constraints in my life it is very hard for me to have any kind of relationship, but even without those constraints, previous traumas have left me averse to connection, and deep down I know this is bad for me, but that is where I am with it.

What I conciously then decided to do, was to think about what it means to love another, to be kind to another, and I try to weave this affection and love in the medicrity of my life...it might mean making someone feel better about a mistake they made, it might mean accompanying someone - a neighbor, a friend, to visit an ill relative in hospital, it might mean seeing some figs in a shop and thinking "oh so and so likes those...I'll pick them up for him..."

It might mean risking a a friend's anger to tell them they have a drinking problem, it might mean giving someone what they need, rather than what they want. (the tougher elements of love.)

For me it's a way of integrating this instinct into everyday life, without the risk of inovlvement or the dependancy on the romantic paradigm to practise what is really good for us.

I think it's an interesting idea in terms of rehearsal or staying in shape spiritually while you sludge through solitude.

Apologies Esteemless Guest for not replying to your post before now.

I understand what you are saying. You are kind of being nice to a lot of people while not being able to be really nice to one special one.

It's a shame you can't do both. I'm sure if you could be really nice to one special one you would still be nice to a lot of people anyway.

It's a good idea and to a far lesser extent than you I do that.

Hope your circumstances change and you can put your past trauma to one side to open your heart to someone new at some stage. There are sensitive intuitive people out there who would treat you well. Finding them and all that process is unfortunately not easy but hopefully we might both be lucky and find someone to fulfil our need to care for and love someone. It's like our emotional hearts need to be fulfilled.

As you say you know not having a connection is bad for you - your emotional heart is not getting the exercise/fulfilment it needs. It's hard for people with low self esteem and who have been hurt previously as they don't have much resilience or the ability to deal well with rejection etc which is probably going to happen if dating again. Can't speak from recent experience but hopefully it will be worth it in the end. The rest of your life having more happiness compared to some knockbacks. Easier written than done!

Thanks for post and hope things work out so that you are ready to take a leap and hope for the best. Am working towards that myself though as my original thread showed it is lonely while waiting. I Think I am more alive having hope or even risking trying and failing than not having hope or not trying at all, and at some point who knows?

LadyAthame · 28-03-2015 6:57am

Just go for who you love. Don't settle or think of levels.

Settling will make you lonelier.

seventeen sheep · 28-03-2015 7:45am

I think you're far too young to even consider settling. Time is on your side here.

You seem to be very focused on what you consider to be barriers preventing you from finding the sort of woman that you want. But in my opinion, the barriers can be addressed, with the right attitude.

You're unemployed - of course this can be offputting to some women, but in my opinion it really depends on how you're dealing with it. Obviously it's hard to say without knowing your employment history, but I'd be asking myself what you're doing short-term and long-term to improve the situation? In the short-term, I'd be hoping that you'd be perhaps taking the time to focus on personal interests, maybe doing a course you're interested in, perhaps doing regular charity work (a good way to meet people, incidentally.) In the long-term, if you've been out of employment quite a while with no prospects of a job, I think it would be good to consider retraining and/or considering relocating. Unemployment in itself won't always be a turn-off, as long as you haven't let your life stagnate.

I really don't think looks are all that important for many people in choosing a partner. How many couples do you know that are evenly matched in physical attractiveness? Most couples I know, one person is often considered more attractive - and it is of course a subjective matter, but the point still stands. So don't let your perception of your looks hold you back.

You say you don't have the means to a social life - what's preventing it exactly? There are plenty of activities that cost little/no money. There are plenty of people out there that would just love the opportunity to get to know more people locally (even not in a romantic way, just to expand their social circle.)

By the way. While I agree with other posters in that you shouldn't settle, I do think it's very important to keep an open mind when meeting new people. Try not to hold to a defined idea of the profile of your "perfect" partner. Because the thing is, I'm sure most people would agree that their partner isn't perfect (far from it sometimes! :eek: ) Looks change and fade over time. A good sense of humour and a kind heard generally won't. Personally - while physical attraction is of course important - it's something I feel I could hypothetically compromise on, without feeling like I was settling. I couldn't compromise on personality though, if you're going to grow old with someone, you need to be able to count on being able to trust them, on being able to have a laugh with them, on knowing they'll always take care of you and (also important) knowing you'll always want to take care of them - that it'll be a privilege, not a chore. Just something to consider. It's possible that, when/if you meet the right person, it doesn't matter if it seems to the outside world that you're settling for someone based on looks, so long as you feel like you've done well for yourself with that woman.

shaymus27 · 28-03-2015 3:03pm

seventeen sheep wrote: »

I think you're far too young to even consider settling. Time is on your side here.

You seem to be very focused on what you consider to be barriers preventing you from finding the sort of woman that you want. But in my opinion, the barriers can be addressed, with the right attitude.

You're unemployed - of course this can be offputting to some women, but in my opinion it really depends on how you're dealing with it. Obviously it's hard to say without knowing your employment history, but I'd be asking myself what you're doing short-term and long-term to improve the situation? In the short-term, I'd be hoping that you'd be perhaps taking the time to focus on personal interests, maybe doing a course you're interested in, perhaps doing regular charity work (a good way to meet people, incidentally.) In the long-term, if you've been out of employment quite a while with no prospects of a job, I think it would be good to consider retraining and/or considering relocating. Unemployment in itself won't always be a turn-off, as long as you haven't let your life stagnate.

I really don't think looks are all that important for many people in choosing a partner. How many couples do you know that are evenly matched in physical attractiveness? Most couples I know, one person is often considered more attractive - and it is of course a subjective matter, but the point still stands. So don't let your perception of your looks hold you back.

You say you don't have the means to a social life - what's preventing it exactly? There are plenty of activities that cost little/no money. There are plenty of people out there that would just love the opportunity to get to know more people locally (even not in a romantic way, just to expand their social circle.)

By the way. While I agree with other posters in that you shouldn't settle, I do think it's very important to keep an open mind when meeting new people. Try not to hold to a defined idea of the profile of your "perfect" partner. Because the thing is, I'm sure most people would agree that their partner isn't perfect (far from it sometimes! :eek: ) Looks change and fade over time. A good sense of humour and a kind heard generally won't. Personally - while physical attraction is of course important - it's something I feel I could hypothetically compromise on, without feeling like I was settling. I couldn't compromise on personality though, if you're going to grow old with someone, you need to be able to count on being able to trust them, on being able to have a laugh with them, on knowing they'll always take care of you and (also important) knowing you'll always want to take care of them - that it'll be a privilege, not a chore. Just something to consider. It's possible that, when/if you meet the right person, it doesn't matter if it seems to the outside world that you're settling for someone based on looks, so long as you feel like you've done well for yourself with that woman.

Thanks for the time you spent in replying to my thread.

You have a lot of insight and I think along the same lines as you so it's good to know someone else thinks like me. It's almost support to see that I am not alone in thinking like this.

My concept of settling would not be based on looks though I know where you are coming from. I couldn't settle for someone who wasn't a decent person with the values you mention in your post. It would be more if they haven't got the same sense of humour or intellect as me. Please don't think this vain. I'm not saying I have any high intellect just whatever intellect I have - whatever "level" that is. I may not be thinking correctly about this sort of thing as I haven't dated for so long so maybe if I ever go on a date some of my preconceptions will disappear.

Really like your point about wanting to care for someone long-run and vice versa from a woman. I was thinking I wouldn't like to be in an arrangement type relationship where a woman might be settling for me and wouldn't have the commitment I would have myself.

Thanks again for your insights - it matches what I think but was concerned with my age etc. that I might have to settle for someone probably settling for me, but personality and a good heart is something I don't think I could compromise on.

Settle or be Lonely?

Comments