Please help

Nutskies · 27-03-2015 8:26pm #1

I got married to what I thought was the man of my dreams a year and a half ago.
I knew he was slightly immature and selfish which I initially construed as independant due to having never lived with anyone before but thought he would grow out of it.
We moved in together 3 years ago and although it has had its ups and downs I put it all down to immaturity. I should say at this stage that I am 40 and he is 35. Before we were married I discovered him contacting his ex to wish her a happy birthday, going on singles websites to "talk dirty" and talking to another female friend about our relationship. We discussed all of these and he agreed that they were wrong but that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. He said he loved me so much and was learning to be in a relationship. I love him so believed him and in a way still think he was being truthful. I have always wanted to make him happy. We got married and ever since then it's been awful. We have been trying for a baby which I question now whether is the right thing to do. I discovered recently that he got somebody else pregnant years ago and was so upset he never told me. When he saw my reaction he said he regretted telling me. There is no affection or conversation even at this stage and he still expects sex all the time. He is controlling about everything. We both work and admittedly I like spending my money whereas he likes saving his. In fairness I shouldn't have been spending so much on immaterial things for myself but it made me feel better about myself, albeit temporarily. We both put a certain amount into a bank account and when I spend anything he grills me about it. He wants to see my bank accounts all the time, yet he has a bank account in his own name with a significant mount of money in it. He checks my emails and tracks where I am. It scares me that he thinks this way. It's just a constant battle and I am convinced now that this will never change as much as he says it will. I don't understand how he can say he loves me. Since we've been married he told me that he wouldn't have gotten married so soon but because of my age he thought he should. I'm not sure why he did now and am hurt that this is the reason he did.
I am quite close to my family which he had a major problem with and it has gotten to the stage where we don't meet up with them because of what has happened in the past.
On one occasion we had my sister and her husband for dinner..my husband got it into his head that everyone was against him and threw a glass of wine in my eyes then went straight to bed. I was left not being able to open my eyes and balling. My sister went after him but he just ignored her and now will never forgive her for getting involved. Anyway this is just one of the many public outbursts that he has had in front of people and also on my own with him. I know this sounds stupid after reading this but I regard myself as intelligent and love him very much or how he used to be anyway but I just don't come into our life together. He treats me like I'm not there. I don't want much but I feel helpless. We are in separate rooms now because I cannot stand being in a room with him where he has no interest in talking to me and Everytime I try and talk to him he tells me to leave him alone. I know we are very different people and I try and understand where he is coming from. It seems so simple, no infidelity that I know of so what's the problem? Well sometimes I think that would be easier. I don't want to leave a marraige after a year and a half and he doesn't think we need counselling.(we went twice and he wanted to stop). We spend days not talking and it doesn't seem to bother him, like it's all a big game, whereas it's killing me. He never thinks that there is a problem but surely marraige shouldnt be like this? I know he thinks that we will be together no matter what and I don't want to threaten to leave anymore without doing it. I am not saying I am innocent in all of this. I have screamed and shouted at him out of frustration and thrown things at him but I really think all I'm looking for is something to show me that he does love me. Please help me. If we weren't married there would be no question but I really want it to work and unfortunately I do love him. When do I give up or how do I fix this??

Penny Tration · 27-03-2015 8:38pm

You can't fix it.

Can't you see he's abusing you?

He demands to know all about your money.
He gives out to you for buying things.
He shows you no affection.
He expects sex whenever he wants it.
He made a snotty comment about only getting married so soon because of your age.
He reads your emails.
He's distanced you from your own family.
He THREW A GLASS OF WINE IN YOUR FACE!

this man isn't immature. He's a sadistic, nasty, abusive man.

Please, contact Women's Aid, contact your family. Reach out and get help.

Please do NOT bring a child into this.

Luke92 · 27-03-2015 8:42pm

Sounds like a control freak. If you feel this way you need to seek help from family and get away from that man.

jopax · 27-03-2015 8:58pm

You say that unless there was a marriage you would not be questioning it.
What difference does being married make if you are being treated like crap.
Marriage is great but it is only a label and only as good as the relationship is.
You already knew what he was like before you married him. Now that you're married it doesn't mean anything to him, except that you will tolerate more of his abuse.
Just forget about the marriage status and get out asap, it will only get worse, and as previous poster said don't bring a child into it.
Good luck, I hope you mind yourself.

Blue Iris · 27-03-2015 9:04pm

He has no empathy and very little true feelings whereas you are the opposite. It wouldn't matter who he had married he would treat them the same way because this is about him and not you. He has an abusive personality. This is so very sad for you because while you are capable of love and attachment he isn't. He will not be able to change as his personality is fully formed.

I hate not giving you hope but I think honesty is more useful to you at this stage. I think you need to gradually extract yourself from the relationship. Try to detach your heart from him because he will only continue to hurt you in deeper and deeper ways. Be gentle with yourself.

ABajaninCork · 27-03-2015 9:17pm

From what you've written, I don't think this can be fixed. I really don't.

You're married to a violent, controlling bully, and the best thing you can do is put together an exit plan.

First off - Is your home owned? If it is - DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE if you can possibly can. Move out of the bedroom and go to the spare room.

Get legal advice - quickly.

Finally - Tell your family the full strength. You're so going to need their support and their strength. There's no shame in admitting a mistake, and getting out of a bad marriage. I really think for the sake of your sanity, you must do this.

Look after yourself!

Stavro Mueller · 27-03-2015 9:38pm

OP, please contact Women's Aid 1800 341 900. Their phone lines are open from 10am to 10pm. Even if you don't want to do anything for now, it'd be really great if you rang them and simply had a chat.

I've pasted this straight off their website. Do any of these warnings signs of domestic abuse ring bells for you?

We have listed some warning signs below to help you make sense of your situation. Any one of the following signs is serious. You do not need to experience several, or all of them for your relationship to be abusive.

You are afraid of your partner.
You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.

Stavro Mueller · 27-03-2015 9:47pm

And OP, just to add. Please please please by 10,000,000,000,000 DO NOT bring a child into your marriage. What you're going through sounds awful and it would be nothing short of madness and cruelty to bring an innocent third person into this. It would also tie you forever to "the man of your dreams". You may find yourself grateful that this didn't happen.

If you don't feel up to ringing Women's Aid, would you think about chatting to someone in your family? I think you'll find that they've seen far more than you think and are worried sick about you. If they're like any normal loving family out there, they're only just waiting for that phone call and would do anything to help. You need help.

m'lady · 27-03-2015 10:00pm

I second absolutely everything that everyone has said already. OP get out now before he wears you down even more than he has already.
This sort of life is not worth it, you are a victim of abuse- psychological, financial, sexual and bordering on physical. I sincerely hope your on the pill as I totally agree that you should not bring a child into this abuse. Please call women's Aid. I hope you will be ok.

orthsquel · 27-03-2015 10:15pm

OP telling you he loves you when he tracks you, controls you, monitors you, is all part of abusive and controlling behaviour to make you doubt all that you experience in the marriage with him. He will use "love" as a means to justify what he is doing as well as using it to completely confuse you. You have yourself thinking "ah but sure, he loves me, doesn't he? He tells me that" but his behaviour towards you tells you a very different story, that he doesn't love you. Him telling you he loves you is to help dismiss all his actions and for you to focus on that, that what he does as a result is irrelevant because he loves you, that it can't possibly be abuse because he tells you he loves you. That's what he wants you to think and believe.

There is no shame in ending a marriage after 50 years, 25 years, 10 years, 5 years, 2 years, 1 year, 6 months. Not for any reason. Nobody will think any less of you for leaving the marriage after a year and a half, in fact if your family and friends knew what you were experiencing (and you ought to tell them) they will probably be glad that you left sooner, rather than later.

Talk to your family, contact your sister and let her know what is going on. Contact Women's Aid for advice.

This isn't a marriage that is going to fix itself, or be fixed by you. You have already tried relationship counselling and he put a stop to that. To me, it sounds like he is happy with the marriage as is and is not interested in fixing it. You need to face up to the reality that it takes 2 of you to make a marriage work, and he has already decided that steps to make things better in the marriage such as counselling is not going to happen. You need to face up to the reality that in that case, you are rotting in a marriage you're unhappy in with someone who has little interest in making the marriage work except by controlling you, monitoring you, tracking you.

retro:electro · 27-03-2015 10:35pm

Thank your lucky stars you never had kids with this monster. Please leave this abusive disgusting pig, you deserve so much better than this.

shaymus27 · 28-03-2015 1:01am

Hi Nutskies,

Well I think your username says it all - you must be Nutskies to be still with this man.

You haven't been in a marriage - you've been in some sort of bad relationship. Marriage isn't a stranger telling you "you're married" - it's a mutually supportive and loving relationship. You definitely haven't got that.

I have no idea what you see in this man. I think he is someone you have chosen to love, but you would be better off loving someone who will love you as much as you obviously deserve to be loved.

You are probably a caring, nurturing, loving woman. Any sensitive or even typical male would appreciate your qualities. Unfortunately you have chosen to love someone who doesn't appreciate you. I don't think he is capable of loving you as his head seems far too much of a mess to love anyone. The way he has behaved is fairly frightening to read.

What advice would you give to a close friend of yours if they said all the things to you that you have written?

You need to love - we all do, some more than others. Just love someone right for you. Your "husband" is not right for you and I doubt ever will be right for you or anyone else.

You may suffer from low self-esteem which may cause you to think you may not find anyone else or that just having someone, no matter how bad, is enough. You might consider this. If you don't suffer from low self-esteem, then you will by the time you finish with your husband if things continue as they are. You might seek help in respect of this, if appropriate.

If you tell a close friend what has happened or to read what you posted, I would be amazed if they didn't burst in to tears upon realising what you are going through. That's how bad it is.

Don't beat yourself up about spending - you're a woman, it is your god-given right, a duty if some women are to be believed.

As for shouting at times in frustration - give yourself a break, what you have endured is a million times worse than you expressing frustration at how bad he treats you. You are too nice, forgiving and loving for your own good with this man. Your conscience is at you over understandable frustration and his isn't at him over all the ways he is horrible to you.

The kind of behaviour he has shown doesn't simply change by him deciding to turn over a new leaf. What sort of person behaves like that in the first place???? Don't make excuses for him or blame yourself.

Horrendous for him to get at your age difference. He doesn't mind the age difference when looking for sex.

You are not too old to meet someone new who will love you.

You deserve a lot better.

krazy12345 · 28-03-2015 1:54am

you havent given his side here at all??

m'lady · 28-03-2015 2:05am

krazy12345 wrote: »

you havent given his side here at all??

No she's given her side which tells us she is a victim of domestic abuse,regardless of what the OP may have done or not done, that's what she is- A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC ABUSE. If the poster was a male I'd say the very same.

krazy12345 · 28-03-2015 2:07am

hello

im this womans husband. id like to give my side of the story.

i met this beautiful, caring, intelligent and humble girl I worked with 4 years ago. We never saw each other in a romantic way, as we worked closely together, but after a night out and a sign of interest was shown, I knew she was the girl for me for life.

She was slightly spoilt and had a history of treating her boyfriends badly as she admits herself. As we started to live together she would start these fights over something she had done wrong, and she would leave for days at an end. it always revolved her drinking. i dont drink as much, and would go to bed earlier than her, leaving her downstairs drinking on her own. A few times she left for a week at a time, and always it would be me who begged her to come back even tho she would start it. and she wouldnt even remember what the original thing was that set her off so annoyed.I always thought that she would calm down when we got engaged, she directly told me she wasn't going to wait around if we werent going to get married. and as she is 40 and want a family we dont have a lot of time so i speeded up what i was always going to do. I did 2 things wrong before we got married that were immature, but I was honest about them and have never been unfaithful. she knew about me going on the dirty talk web site as she has an app on her phone direct to my email account.
Getting engaged would be the line in the sand to be let go forever.

When we got married it got worse. She lied to me for days about being somewhere when I knew she wasn't. my friend saw her somewhere and she denied it. after 5 days of her saysing how dare i, i rang the toll company and they confirmed it while on speakershone. she then blamed me for not trusting her! She didn't come home one night and didn't tell me, she brought me to a friends party and abandoned me. I went to bed at 3am and she came back to the room at 9:30am and told me a friends husband propositioned her. it was just the 2 of them up.

She had a big credit card debt before she met me, so I gave her €10,000 to pay it off. She said she would stop shopping and be honest with me about what she spends money on. we are both save for a house, and i save 10k a year while she just spends it on her. she has said she would stop so many times.. I was constantly finding receipts and labels for new clothes, and so I asked to see her accounts, which she finally did. In 4 months she spent €5,000, including €1,000 in one day- all on clothes. I hate that I now check her emails but she lies so much I don't know what else she is hiding.

She is very close to her family, but that's not a problem. she sees them 5 times a week .I get on with them all, but she puts them first always if the choice is me or them.
She winds me up and shouts obscenities, and 2 times I snapped and threw a glass of wine at her. i diddnt mean to get her eye, but i snapped.

I suggested counciling and we went, but we both agreed that it didn't help. We had 4 months of now rows at all. we came off the drink both of us for fertility.
Then the worst of all I fights happened out of the blue. I was away but said I would come back as I didn't want to drink with my friends. I went to bed shattered and when I woke up at 8am she wasn't in bed. I heard her singing at 4am with her sisters. When she came home she went crazy. I asked why but no answer. Just horrible insults about me and my insecurities and about my family. I ran off to different rooms but she just followed me. I pushed her away. She then told her family when they arrived. She left and I don't see her for 8 days despite my begging. she still hasnt said what set her off, but i reckon its because she was hungover and annoyed she broke dr's orders to stay off the booze.

At the moment she is living in the other room and I don't know why. I was tired the other day after being in gym and hangry. And for no reason she won't talk to me now. iv tried even saying hi and she wont respond,

I love her so so much and want to be in love and having fun. But she can't let go the past and try and move forward . I don't want to leave the marriage after a year but I won't live like this forever. Life is too short. We agreed that if someone is having a bad day to leave them alone but she never does this. She just walks off for days. Why won't she just talk to me camly, not shouting which she knows I can't handle. Please help.

Tokyo · 28-03-2015 2:32am

Sorry guys, but when a person starts a thread, and their partner becomes involved like this, it's our policy to close it, as it's only going to spiral downwards and any advice will be used as ammunition. I would strongly suggest revisiting another counsellor however, and being as honest with your actions and feelings with them, as you have been here.

Regards,
Mike

Please help

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