Can anyone make sense of this?

LegacyUser · 28-10-2014 10:20pm #1

I met a guy online, we really hit it off. Things were moving (at his pace) faster than I would have liked however I was enjoying myself and just went along with it. In the 2 months we got to know each other I found myself really liking him.

I was a little concerned that his last serious relationship was 13 years long and over just a year, they are still in touch and meet once a week, he was fairly blasé about this so I didn't really second guess it.

So, just as we were about to consummate our relationship-to-be he went a bit cold and then on the day of our date sent me a message saying he felt this next date would put us on a relationship footing and he's not ready for that, heads still a bit mad and he's got a lot of baggage. He offered to call and talk. I was actually OK about this, disappointed but respected his honesty. I just responded to say there was no need to apologise as it had been a positive experience and I wished him the best.

The next day I got a fairly long message saying how great I am and how he doesn't want to be a narcissist as he feels he is right now and he'd love to get his head straight and give things a go with me. He said he's been using distractions to stop himself from thinking about things he should be dealing with and he needs to work on this. He also said he really wanted to stay in touch and offered to help me with a project I'm working on currently.

I went through something similar a few years back and just offered him some advice on things that helped me. I ignored the part of his message about giving things a proper go and just simply said I'd be happy to stay friends and "chat soon"

So, he's texted me nearly every day to ask how things are going at work and with the project I'm working on. We used to grab a coffee sometimes during the week and he drove by my job today to see if I was there (I was off) and went for coffee at lunch time in the shop near my job (he told me this) He asked me to go for platonic coffee tomorrow. I have agreed.

I'm a bit confused, I really like him but I don't particularly want to get caught up in something weird, if he's not ready I completely understand but I guess on reflection he was maybe downplaying his previous relationship. I'm just wondering what way to play this. I don't want to set myself up for a fall (I do like him) but I don't want to be used as some emotional girlfriend replacement either.... this is foreign territory, any advice?

Merkin · 28-10-2014 11:55pm

Are you sure that his past relationship is actually in the past and is definitely over?

Mr. Incognito · 29-10-2014 12:05am

I think he is being very respectful of you and honest.

If you like him, and you see a future, give him the time and space to get over his ex

Anyone would be a mess after that and his head is naturally all over the place

Let him heal

MissKittenfire · 29-10-2014 12:10am

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I would just ask him to be straight with you and you be straight with him.

Do you know what you want yourself? If you do that gives you an advantage. You have clarity. Do you want to try for something romantic or even see if that develops?

If you do then I would at some point ask him to be clear if that relationship is truly over and perhaps see if he is open to a potential relationship with you, if that is what you want.

He doesn't have the right to keep you hanging on. I would say it over the phone or in person though. These things can be so misread by text etc.

I think the thing is you have stated that you are happy to stay friends when it is clear to me you might like to have something more.

LegacyUser · 29-10-2014 10:24am

While he may be on the level and may have genuine reasons for being confused, you have to ask yourself are you happy to be strung along while he sorts his head out and hope that a relationship works out? Personally, I wouldn't be happy taking a punt on someone who would let me down on the day without good reason, then reappear and say they want to give it a go just a day later. I'd be inclined to let them off and sort their head out without getting dragged into their confusion.

LegacyUser · 29-10-2014 7:51pm

Thanks all.

To be honest I really like him but as much as I respect his honesty and his efforts to not lead me on I thought it would be nice to stay in touch.

We met today for "platonic" lunch and despite my efforts to be platonic he was really flirty, made jokes about getting drunk and ending up in bed together and put his arm around me leaving the restaurant, tried to hold my hand when we were in the car and went to kiss me when I was going. I really didn't understand it and although I do really like him I think he's explained that he's not in the right headspace for a relationship and doesn't want to mess me about but now thinks it's ok to continue seeing me in some uncommitted way. It's hard to understand but it's the only sense I can make of how he behaved today.

When I hear from him again I'm just going to tell him that we have different ideas about platonic, and maybe it was an unrealistic expectation, that kind of thing will lead to confusion for me anyway..... am I misreading things?

LegacyUser · 29-10-2014 8:14pm

He wants unattached sex.

That's what he is angling for.

Hot and cold then this. Thats what is going on.

CaraMay · 29-10-2014 8:17pm

He wants the perks of a relationship but the freedom of singledom. He isn't ready to commit to you and by continuing this 'relationship' you are stopping yourself meeting someone else.

I know you like him but I reckon the best thing on offer here is a friends with benefits situation. He is not even being subtle about it.

Shrap · 29-10-2014 8:35pm

I reckon he's been over-thinking it OP. Had he NOT sent you the text saying that the next date could put you on a relationship footing and that his head's a bit mad at the mo, you'd still be where you are today most probably.

What he did was back out of the date that you both felt would end in you having sex, and he realised he wasn't ready for it. Then you played it rationally and appropriately and perhaps he now feels you're back on track with the fooling around, potentially leading somewhere sexual? However, you have reined in (understandably) and responded to his line in the sand. I'm not sure he gets that though. Try explaining to him that playing hot and cold is leaving you confused, and you are not in the business of being confused.

I would be very clear with him if I were you, and plainly state that not all starts to relationships make them destined to reach 13 years, and not all are destined to fail. Until he gets his head around how his expectations are holding him back, then there's nowhere this can go (unless you're up for a NSA relationship....with clearly plenty of strings).

IlmoNT4 · 29-10-2014 10:06pm

Too much of a headache....

You have to ask yourself, what do you want. Its not about him, his past relationship, his "not ready" then not backing up what he said previously by acting interested in more over lunch...blah blah blah...The only thing thats important is you. If you want to be strung along by someone whos being "Nice" and "respectful" but at the same time coming out with nonsense. If he really cared about you, he'd be with you. Thats the bottom line I'm afraid. When two people want to be together, they are.

Put yourself first and if hes willing to get over himself then maybe date him but I personally wouldnt bother meeting him again. Hes wasting your time, time better spent on your own well being and out meeting someone who wants what you want. Dont settle for this ****

Good Luck

LegacyUser · 30-10-2014 8:08am

Thanks all....

We chatted last night, he got in touch and I expressed concern over the lack of platonic on his end. OK I understand it now and I really need advice on how to manage this, or, if I should walk away.

So, he felt the whole touchy feely thing was just a fun innocent thing which he believed to be acceptable/playful as we had confirmed it was platonic. Basically, joking that we were being platonic friends despite the fact that we both fancy each other.

He was surprised it threw me. I said there's no way I could contemplate friends with benefits and he was VERY apologetic for giving me those concerns and said that friends with benefits is the last thing he would want, wasn't on his radar and he ended things when he did to avoid falling in to that situation as I am a nice girl who doesn't deserve to be messed about.

He said he loves seeing me and spending time with me but it would be unfair to attempt a relationship when he knows his heart won't be in it. Quote "I want to stay in touch so I can attempt to lull you back in when I feel I am 100% sane and rational again, ultimately it's your call"

I said I was worried feelings would develop and we'd end up having some awkward conversation 6 months down the line about how he told me he wasn't in the right headspace and equally I don't want him to feel under pressure and obligation as this is all very new and we still don't know each other...

So, we agreed to "play it by ear"

It's a bit weird but I really think what he's saying is genuine and does represent what he is actually thinking...I just don't want to put myself in the firing line, but also appreciate that we do have a connection and it's not easy to shut the door on it

I do feel we have a great chemistry, it's great being in his company - but that's exactly why I have doubts around us spending too much time together. Then again, maybe that will help things along?

It's worth mentioning that in the past 2 weeks he has started getting help for his stress and has also begun dealing with the things he's been avoiding facing up too...... So, the plot thickens....sigh

Big Bag of Chips · 30-10-2014 9:47am

uberconfused wrote: »

"I want to stay in touch so I can attempt to lull you back in when I feel I am 100% sane and rational again, ultimately it's your call"

So he doesn't want to be with you now, but wants to keep you hanging around so you are there waiting for him when he's ready?

You do get a say in this you know. If you are willing to sacrifice maybe meeting someone who does actually want to be in a relationship with you so that you can hang around waiting for this lad to decide (and it's still not definite that he will ever be in that place) then that's your choice.

For what it's worth, I think if he wanted to be with you he'd be with you. He's making excuses because he likes you, just not enough.

CaraMay · 30-10-2014 9:57am

Yeah I'm sure he is genuine ie genuinely wants to keep you hanging until such time as he may be ready. No no no op - value yourself and cut him loose. He may not be a player but he is playing and it's all in his own terms. The best thing you can do is walk away and do not waste any more time on this guy.

Remember you teach people how to treat you. Don't take second best from any man.

cactusgal · 30-10-2014 12:11pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

For what it's worth, I think if he wanted to be with you he'd be with you. He's making excuses because he likes you, just not enough.

This is the best advice you'll get. I got together with my boyfriend very shortly after ending a long term relationship and moving country. Not my normal way of going about things, but I knew my boyfriend was someone really special, so I had to give it a proper go.

Look, OP, life is short. You are only going to be young and hot and easily date-able once. Take it from me, DO NOT waste your hot years on someone who's not into you enough to date you properly.

You are relationship material, but not to this guy. There's 4 million other people in the country to hang out with - seriously, don't waste your time with this one.

Lux23 · 30-10-2014 5:50pm

If you can, I would maybe withdraw a little bit - don't be too quick to respond to text messages or answer his calls. Don't go for coffee or lunches with him either, he may be a nice, genuine guy however he is probably using your attention to massage his ego. You don't have to be rude to him, but maybe just tell him that you need your own headspace too.

IlmoNT4 · 30-10-2014 7:57pm

Everything is on his terms OP, I dont think its ok to string you along like that, and its true if he really wanted to be with you, he would.

Dont waste your time this one.

IlmoNT4 · 30-10-2014 7:59pm

Also he knows exactly what he's doing when hes playing his - we're just friends therefore I can flirt with you, touch you, lead you on... Its just a way of hooking you in. This isnt how you treat someone who you care about. At best its immature and manipulative

bnagrrl · 30-10-2014 8:01pm

If he wanted to be with you he would. I think you should move on.

Sounds to me like he wants you waiting in the wings until he's ready. But what if he's never ready or he meets someone else in the meantime? Are you happy to put your life on hold indefinitely?

Can anyone make sense of this?

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