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How Important would someone's taste in music and night's out be to you?

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  • 14-10-2014 12:48pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    Basically I started dating this guy about 2 months ago. It's been going really well, getting on great and have loads in common. He's going away for a month of travelling which instigated "The chat" over the weekend. We both admitted our mutual "Like" of each other and that we would like to continue seeing each other when he gets back.

    Basically he said that the only thing he is slightly worried about is he thinks we may have different taste in music and nights out. At this point we've only met one on one and haven't met each others friends etc. It completely caught me off guard as something someone would consider when potentially getting into a relationship. For me a relationship is about the person and I wouldn't define someone by their taste in music or taste in nightclubs etc. Also while I think it's great sometimes to go for a night out with your other half and meet their friends etc I wouldn't consider it a primary way of socializing with that person.

    Would any of you consider this as a really important part of a relationship? Or if you were starting to get involved with someone would you take their music preferences into consideration when deciding if you wanted to date them?

    For me I personally feel that if you liked the person enough and enjoyed their company that it wouldn't be an issue.


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    #2
    miamee
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,021 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    Musical taste wouldn't bother me at all but I'm not hugely enthusiastic about very many singers or bands or whatever. Some people are very serious about music though and going to gigs and it may be that he can't envisage you going along to these gigs with him. If he already has gig buddies I don't see why that would matter but maybe he feels like ye should share everything but in reality, having your own friends and interests is healthy for a relationship.


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    #3
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    Taste in music is hugely important to me in a relationship whether it be picking something to listen to on a long car journey or just if you're sitting around having a few drinks.

    If the person I was with didn't like similar music to me, it would annoy me. Obviously not everyone is going to agree exactly but you have to be able to compromise. For example, there isn't much compromise available to someone who wants to listen to Swedish House Mafia and someone who wants to listen to Neil Young.

    I think the main thing is that the other person is open to listening to whatever. So even if they aren't 100% interested, they aren't going to complain or roll their eyes or get into fights about it.

    Maybe he's had that experience in the past.


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    #4
    iusedtoknow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,698 ✭✭✭iusedtoknow


    While I see it as pretty important...openness to other types of music is equally important. My wife and I have hugely differing taste in music/concerts that we'd go to (i am quite happy in a dingy divebar watching a band play music that is sort of like other music I like) while my wife is really into classical music and opera. I've learned to really appreciate it for what it is, just as she has with alternative/indie side of things.

    Compatibility with someone isn't always about being into exactly the same thing as your partner, it's also about how willing you are to take on each others likes and dislikes.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here. Thanks for your replies.

    From what I can gather it's not my taste in music general it's more the type of club we would want to go to on a night out. We've done plenty of chilling out with a bottle of wine and music playing in the background and that's been totally fine and we have enjoyed a few of the same more chilled out artists.

    I think the thing that is getting me is that I don't want to be defined by the type of music I listen, or don't listen, to.

    At the end of the day which nightclub we end up in isn't really my primary concern or a good basis for building a relationship. I guess I just find it slightly shallow that it would be for him.

    If it does turn out that we don't like the same nightclubs or whatever it wouldn't really be an issue for me as I'm perfectly happy going out with the girls, or the odd time going to "his" nightclub anyway. I'm just getting a little alarm bell that maybe he is totally stuck in his ways and wants a girlfriend that completely slots into his life on all levels without embracing the different quirks and interests of the other person.

    Maybe I'm reading into this too much.......

    Ever wish you could just turn your brain off for a while!? :-D


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    #6
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    my anonymous username1 wrote: »
    OP here. Thanks for your replies.

    From what I can gather it's not my taste in music general it's more the type of club we would want to go to on a night out. We've done plenty of chilling out with a bottle of wine and music playing in the background and that's been totally fine and we have enjoyed a few of the same more chilled out artists.

    I think the thing that is getting me is that I don't want to be defined by the type of music I listen, or don't listen, to.

    At the end of the day which nightclub we end up in isn't really my primary concern or a good basis for building a relationship. I guess I just find it slightly shallow that it would be for him.

    If it does turn out that we don't like the same nightclubs or whatever it wouldn't really be an issue for me as I'm perfectly happy going out with the girls, or the odd time going to "his" nightclub anyway. I'm just getting a little alarm bell that maybe he is totally stuck in his ways and wants a girlfriend that completely slots into his life on all levels without embracing the different quirks and interests of the other person.

    Maybe I'm reading into this too much.......

    Ever wish you could just turn your brain off for a while!? :-D

    Yeah I think you're reading way way too much into it tbh. It sounds like he basically just said he was 'slightly worried' that your idea of a good night out could be quite different to his and it might cause an issue down the road. Doesn't sound like he was 'defining you by the music you listen to' or that it's his 'basis for building a relationship'. Honestly I think your putting way more weight into this than he intended their to be in it. I'd say just try to forget about it tbh and see how thing go between you.


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    #7
    TheBeardedLady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,086 ✭✭✭TheBeardedLady


    strobe wrote: »
    Yeah I think you're reading way way too much into it tbh. It sounds like he basically just said he was 'slightly worried' that your idea of a good night out could be quite different to his and it might cause an issue down the road. Doesn't sound like he was 'defining you by the music you listen to' or that it's his 'basis for building a relationship'. Honestly I think your putting way more weight into this than he intended their to be in it. I'd say just try to forget about it tbh and see how thing go between you.

    I'd agree. I think he simply meant you might have a tiny bit of an issue deciding what to do together when you head out. If you say you're up for going to one of his gigs, then this won't be an issue.

    It's a non-issue and you're over-thinking it. Don't ruin the honeymoon period for yourself and enjoy yourself. :)


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    #8
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Some folk are Stag Head types, others are Bar37 (or whatever the name of that place is) types.

    I personally would not be into going to Bar37 type places that often. So if i met someone who was only interested in those places then that could be a problem.

    Of course you have specified what the problem is op so it's hard to advise.


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    #9
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    I think that sometimes having radically different ideas of what a good night out could be really problematic.

    Personally, I'm not now or ever have been a mad fan of nightclubs, but I enjoy burlesque and drag nights. I don't like getting drunk, and to be honest if the person I was with was mad to go out every weekend and get hammered/ dance to full on dance or trance music, it would be a problem. It's not that I have a problem doing it every now and again, but I think it would be a problem long term.


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    #10
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    I think music and clubs might be a cover for grunger spots v classy places.

    Doubt its actually music orientated. Are you a dawson street or camden street kinda person thing


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    #11
    Lalealea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 212 ✭✭Lalealea


    I am my music. It's very important to me. If you know what my musical tastes are you know a lot about me.

    I used to have a very different taste in fashion. It was hippyish, when I got my first job It altered somewhat and then my fashion taste sort of changed. I did notice the types of guy that were into me changed.

    For the types of stuff people are into does not necessarily change my liking them. I like people if they like me or because of their kindness etc etc.
    I like to try new things. I like variety. Sometimes learning things from a partner can be fun. But he has to respect my tastes. If he is like 'nah that sucks' it's not going to work.
    But it does sound like he is saying he fears your differences will cause trouble. But he chose you as much for you difference as your similarity to him perhaps. People don't admit this but some people need a partner different from themselves. Some men search for a woman who has what they don't.

    Usually people choose you for the person you are rather than the person you are not.

    I am a Kate Bush fanatic. I once showed her to a guy I was dating who had never heard of her. He hated it. But he didn't say 'I like that you like and enjoy her'. He absolutely slated her. I was kind of like hmmm... how can you like me and not like Kate Bush.

    You see the thing is some people spend their whole teenage yrs being slagged off for the music they like or the clothes they wear. It's nice to find people who 'get you'.

    If they don't like the same stuff they still need to be accepting of you. And be willing to embrace your space a little.

    There are some genres of music that go with certain types. If you go to a motorhead concert a lot of people there will have similar fashion tastes.

    By the way Mr Incognito grunger spots are the classy places too. Thats the type of attitude I am talking about if he had that he can go home. I am not into negative vibes from men. If he boos my tastes that is not the same as not being into them.


    If I liked someone and they were willing to make me feel welcome in their world and introduce me to it. And accept me for me and willing to do a little bit of my stuff. Then no I accept them for them.

    But just as an after thought. I actually write and sometimes sing myself. It's something I rarely share so it might not come into it at all. But if he was down on my stuff that I created eh yeah that would be a romance killer.

    For me the problem would more be he is not willing to give and take. That shows immaturity.

    I know a lot of couples who have little in common they tend to bring a little of him and a little of her. They tend to be quite quirky interesting couples actually.

    Thing is if you think about it we choose people for who they are and not who they're not. A lot of people could be saying 'why the f*ck is he into her?'. I guess you have something he lacks or needs. A couples contrasts can be what bring them together as much as anything.

    There are certain guys I could look at their interests or whatever and guess 'yup they are pretty much not going to be into me'.

    You say you have loads in common. Then I doubt this will be an issue.

    I love music ... I love making music. I love most types of music. Googled swedish house mafia ...liked the first track i heard. If someone is tapping a pen on the table and they stop I'm like 'don't stop the music'. But you don't like everything your partner likes. Who wants to date themselves....weirdos...

    You have to not negate the other persons tastes and likes though.
    Sometimes it's nice to try new things :-)

    Personally if I liked someone it wouldn't.


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    #12
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    I think that is something that would have concerned me more when I was in my teens. My gf and I like different music but it's a none issue because we love each other and compromise and also dont have to be tied at the hip for every night out.


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    #13
    lucasmaximus
    Registered Users Posts: 39 ✭lucasmaximus


    This is a massive factor for me. It puts me in an irritable mood if I have to suffer through bad music. So I could never partner with someone whose taste I did not at least respect. I was recently on a date with a guy, first date aswell mind you, and he tried his very best to make me sit through watching a Beyonce/Jay -Z concert in full, needless to say I got out of there ricky tick! A huge part of my gradual understanding of myself has come through music :)


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    #14
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    I am my music.

    I think that's a pretty distorted word view.

    You think based on some lyrics and some music someone can know a lot about you?

    I would disagree a lot.

    Things that are important to me

    -Values
    -Intelligence
    -Manners
    -Courtesy
    -Compassion
    -Patience
    -Tolerance
    -Empathy


    If you think that someone's musical tastes can convey that then I say you are utterly wrong.

    If someone takes musical taste as a marker or judgement as a long term partner I say they are totally and utterly deluded.


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    #15
    Lalealea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 212 ✭✭Lalealea


    Mr. Incognito wrote: »

    If you think that someone's musical tastes can convey that then I say you are utterly wrong.

    If someone takes musical taste as a marker or judgement as a long term partner I say they are totally and utterly deluded.
    It's like you know me :-) have you been listening to my music? :-)
    I'm joking. :-)


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    #16
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    It would be a big factor for me and probably partly why I am still single. There is no way on this planet, no matter how nice they are, that I could go out with someone who would consider going to see Nathan Carter or Derek Ryan play at a dance. That is my idea of hell, but unfortunately, where I live a lot of guys in my age category would be into that.

    I would hate if I was going out with someone and they would refuse to come to concerts with me all the time and tried to get me to go to dances or raves. That is not who I am.

    So while a bit of a difference in musical tastes is no biggy, if there was a wide gulf, I would find that insurmountable.


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    #17
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Music taste really doesn't matter to me, nor does the type of pub or club my partner prefers.

    I'm quite specific in the music I prefer (although I'll give anything a try, I've even sat through a one direction concert!), and until I met my OH, nobody I'd ever dated liked anything similar to what I'd listen to.

    But, I don't see the big deal. We can all be polite and listen to something our partner prefers if you're having a YouTube binge.

    As for pubs/clubs - concessions can be made. You don't have to have your partner on your nights out. My boyfriend and I actually like all of the same pubs and music, but have our own, separate nights out, and go for a few drinks together at other times.

    We manage to go to pubs/clubs/concerts without the new boyfriend or girlfriend for years, why do you suddenly need them to come?

    And I say this as a music snob, metal fan.


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    #18
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    green_screen wrote: »

    We manage to go to pubs/clubs/concerts without the new boyfriend or girlfriend for years, why do you suddenly need them to come?

    .

    Not saying that I wouldn't go without them, in fact quite often I go to gigs completely on my own but occasionally it would be nice to share them with my OH. I was recently in San Francisco with my ex boyfriend (broke up over a year ago but are good friends still) and went to see Michael Franti on my own even though he didn't know if he had heard of him before or liked him, he refused to come with me.

    I took buses deep into the mission district on my own for the gig late at night and couldn't help but think I would have enjoyed it more if he had come with me as I would have felt safer and more comfortable. It just highlighted further why him and I are not still together.


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    #19
    Lalealea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 212 ✭✭Lalealea


    Mr. Incognito wrote: »
    I think that's a pretty distorted word view.

    You think based on some lyrics and some music someone can know a lot about you?

    I would disagree a lot.

    Things that are important to me

    -Values
    -Intelligence
    -Manners
    -Courtesy
    -Compassion
    -Patience
    -Tolerance
    -Empathy


    If you think that someone's musical tastes can convey that then I say you are utterly wrong.

    If someone takes musical taste as a marker or judgement as a long term partner I say they are totally and utterly deluded.

    I actually agree with you though joking aside

    -Values
    -Intelligence
    -Manners
    -Courtesy
    -Compassion
    -Patience
    -Tolerance
    -Empathy
    That is where you should be similar.


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    #20
    Barely There
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,481 ✭✭✭Barely There


    I met my wife in a club down the country. She asked me to dance during an Oasis number (yes, they had 'slow sets' back then).

    I said "I really don't like Oasis, but I'm going to make an exception for you."

    Best decision I ever made.



    Still don't like Oasis though.


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    #21
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    Sounds like he has been to 'your' type of place but you haven't been to 'his' yet. You should go asap OP! It could be horrific!

    A relationship is not based around where you socialise though. I would find it bizarre too if someone said something like that to me. Some people are terribly judgemental about music though.


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    #22
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    Have to admit that there are certain types of music that I couldn't get my head around listening to, and couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was into them. My own fella is into heavier (punk) music than I am, and he's not over keen on the electronic based music I like, but we can listen to each other's music with no problem.

    However, I once turned down a fella flat, even though he was a lovely guy and very attractive, but he was a country and western singer. I knew I'd never be able to live with that. And I don't consider that shallow, or snobby, because I physically feel very uncomfortable and frustrated when listening to C & W. I have too much of a reaction to be able to get over it. Hope your fella doesn't feel the same way about your style of music OP!


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    #23
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Shrap wrote: »
    Have to admit that there are certain types of music that I couldn't get my head around listening to, and couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was into them. My own fella is into heavier (punk) music than I am, and he's not over keen on the electronic based music I like, but we can listen to each other's music with no problem.

    However, I once turned down a fella flat, even though he was a lovely guy and very attractive, but he was a country and western singer. I knew I'd never be able to live with that. And I don't consider that shallow, or snobby, because I physically feel very uncomfortable and frustrated when listening to C & W. I have too much of a reaction to be able to get over it. Hope your fella doesn't feel the same way about your style of music OP!

    No that's pretty much the definition of shallow tbh.


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    #24
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    No that's pretty much the definition of shallow tbh.

    Ahhh, noooo! Unfair. I can't help feeling physically repulsed by C & W! I'd have to go to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to get over the impulse to shut my ears and cry! And that would be expensive and consist of having to listen to C & W! Nooooo!


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    #25
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Shrap wrote: »
    Ahhh, noooo! Unfair. I can't help feeling physically repulsed by C & W! I'd have to go to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to get over the impulse to shut my ears and cry! And that would be expensive and consist of having to listen to C & W! Nooooo!

    Well, unless he was planning on bringing you on a date to a country and western festival what does any on that matter? It's one date, not an engagement. He could have been the one!!!


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    #26
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    Well, unless he was planning on bringing you on a date to a country and western festival what does any on that matter? It's one date, not an engagement. He could have been the one!!!

    No, I met the one and we're still together! As a C & W singer though, I'd not have been able to support him by going to his gigs or even tell him I liked his song. I thought that would be important, and in fairness he took my point. Sometimes, different taste in music IS insurmountable!


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    #27
    Barely There
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,481 ✭✭✭Barely There


    There's a line somewhere between not really being that into the music I like and actively liking really crap music.
    I'm not sure I could take anyone seriously if they said they were a massive One Direction fan.
    It's musical snobbery, but I'm ok with that.


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    #28
    Alqua
    Registered Users Posts: 297 ✭✭Alqua


    I wouldn't judge a situation on the music per se (exceptions being OneDirection and the like) but I often find that the type of music a person is into can be a reflection of their general interests and personality...so musical taste could turn out to be an obvious sign of other, maybe not-so-obvious differences.

    My closest relationships are with people whose taste in music is broadly similar to mine (and we have a good bit in common generally) - coincidence? Just a thought!


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    #29
    Lalealea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 212 ✭✭Lalealea


    It's not important if there is an attraction there and they are a nice person. Be honest.


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    #30
    pc7
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,004 Mod ✭✭✭✭pc7


    I'm surprised at how many people its important for, I wonder is it an age thing? It would be no ways important to me, I have very different taste in music to my husband but it never ever came into the equation of our relationship.


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    #31
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    I also find it unusual that this would be a factor in a relationship.. Although I do think that a difference in ideal nights out could be. I'm not into clubbing, I prefer to have a few drinks in a nice bar where people can talk if they want, or a meal.. so if my partner was more into going to clubs then he'd be on his own! Which would be disappointing for all concerned, and I think would ultimately have an effect on our relationship.

    I do understand if a person is 'big' into their music, and it spills into all aspects of their lives, that's where they obviously are attracted to people that feel the same.


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