Husband refuses to leave

brickinit · 29-03-2015 3:47am #1

Hi there has anyone been in a situation whereby they cannot get a spouse to leave the family home?
Together 20 years 3 kids, he is a highly functioning alcoholic who somehow managed to keep his career going.
I have all the usual trappings of an alcoholic marriage, the sometimes physical abuse and constant daily emotional/psychological abuse. On top of that the in excess of 20-25 affairs.
I'm mentally intact just about, if anyone asks how I can be Id say with 3 kids I had no choice, daily life goes on and to be honest I had no fight left.
After the latest affair which went on for 3 years I asked him to leave, 18 months later he's still here. We lead seperate lives completely, this suits him fine he holds onto the front as long as he can.
I on the other hand can't stand another day but as I work part time i couldn't pay rent on another place. I have been a good wife and mother and feel he should be gone but he keeps making excuses month after month.
The mental toll it has taken on myself and my children is beyond description and I feel responsible as a mother for letting the situation continue.
What can I do? Legal advice some years ago said not to leave the family home but at this stage I feel I have no choice and I know we will no doubt come out worse.

Ken. · 29-03-2015 3:57am

If you feel in danger of/have been affected by domestic violence you can apply for a safety or barring order. Check this link for more info on it. http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders.html

Safety order
A safety order is an order of the court which prohibits the violent person from further violence or threats of violence. It does not oblige the person to leave the family home. If the person is not living with you it prohibits them from watching or being near your home. A safety order can last up to 5 years.

Barring order
A barring order is an order which requires the violent person to leave the family home. The order also prohibits the person from further violence or threats of violence, and from watching or being near your home. A barring order can last up to 3 years.

Applying for an order
To get a barring order or a safety order you must attend a District Court hearing. While you are waiting for the court to hear your application, the court can give you an immediate order called a protection order. The protection order has the same effect as a safety order. In exceptional circumstances the court can grant an interim barring order. This is an immediate order, requiring the violent person to leave the family home.

The safety order or the barring order can be renewed by applying for a further order before the previous one has expired.

The court will grant an order where it believes that your safety or welfare, or the safety or welfare of a dependant, requires that an order is granted. Under the legislation, welfare includes both physical and psychological welfare.

RULES
Spouses and civil partners
If you are married or in a civil partnership, and you can show the court that your spouse/civil partner is violent in any way towards you or the children, you can get a barring or safety order against them no matter how long you have lived together and even if they own most or all of the house.

Penalties for offences
The law in Ireland strictly provides that anyone who contravenes a safety, barring (or interim barring) or protection order is guilty of an offence. Furthermore, if someone prevents you or your dependents from entering or remaining in a place to which the order relates (while the barring or interim barring order is in effect), they are also guilty of an offence.

The above offences under the Domestic Violence Act 1996 are punishable by a Class B fine and/or a prison term of 12 months. These penalties are set down in Section 17 of the Domestic Violence Act, 1996.

Support
If you are concerned about violence in your home, you should contact your local Garda Station. Members of the Gardai are specially trained to deal with these situations and can offer advice, information and assistance.

Your local Citizens Information Centre can give you information about organisations that will provide you with support. For example, two such organisations are Women's Aid and Amen Support Services.

Women's Aid is a voluntary organisation providing support and information to women and their children who are being physically, emotionally and sexually abused in their own homes. If you are a woman living in a violent situation, you should contact the Women's Aid helpline on 1800 341900.

Further information on domestic and sexual violence as well as information on local and national support services is available on the website of Cosc - The National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence.

How to apply

To apply for a barring order or a safety order you must go to your local District Court Office. If you live in the Dublin Area you must go to the Dublin District Family Law Office (see 'Where to apply' below). However, you can go to the Dublin District Court Offices in Swords if it is closer to you.

When you get to the District Court Office, the Court staff will identify the forms you need to make your application. You do not need a solicitor to make an initial application, but it is recommend you have legal representation for a full court hearing.

If you are applying for a barring order or a safety order the court clerk will arrange a court date for a court hearing. You will be given your summons for the court hearing at the time of your application. A summons will be sent to the respondent by ordinary post. The respondent is the person you need to be protected from or want barred from your home.

While you are waiting to go to court to get your barring order or safety order, you can get a protection order or an interim barring order immediately. If you want a protection order or an interim barring order the District Court Judge will hear your case on the day you make your application for a barring order or safety order.

If you do not want a protection order or an interim barring order immediately, you can seek one at any time before your case is heard for a barring or safety order.

When you get your barring order, safety order, protection order or interim barring order you show it to the Gardai in your local Garda Station. Do not give them your order (you can allow them to take a photocopy). A copy of your order will be sent to the Superintendent of your local Garda Station by registered post the following day.

A safety order, barring order, interim barring order or protection order takes effect from the time the respondent is notified of the order. This can be done verbally, together with the production of a copy of the order. If the respondent is in court when the order is made the respondent is considered to be notified. A copy of the order will be sent to the respondent by ordinary post. In some cases, the Judge may direct the Gardai 'to serve' the order on the respondent . This means the Gardai will hand the order directly to the respondent.

You can find more information on barring and safety orders on the Courts Service website.

brickinit · 29-03-2015 4:13am

Ken he hasn't been physically violent for the past 5-6 years, I don't know if a court would grant a barring order just wholly on psychological grounds?

Ken. · 29-03-2015 4:22am

Ring women's aid and they'll help you. Even threats of violence can be counted as violence. They'd be better able to help you. 1800 341900. or check their website.http://www.womensaid.ie/

brickinit · 29-03-2015 4:24am

Thanks Ken

NIMAN · 29-03-2015 4:39am

Wish you all the best, sounds like a horrible situation.

SterlingArcher · 29-03-2015 5:13am

You do not leave that house. This is going to be traumatic enough without uprooting the kids from their home and lives too.

it's the family home, ergo you and the children. Any man with any honour left would do the right thing and walk. He has not.

You have convinced yourself that you are powerless, when in fact you hold all the cards. You just cannot see this. Don't feel a victim.

tell him to look for another place this is not working for you and has not for a long time. Give him one month. During this time you sit the kids down and explain what is going to happen. organise the locks being changed. at the end of the month if he is not gone you leave his clothes packed up outside.

If he causes trouble, don't hesitate to call the Police. Then you go to court and make sure he rightfully pays towards your children.

I know you may see leaving the house as a solution, but it is in fact just another means to avoid the situation.

nilsonmickey · 29-03-2015 5:34am

Have you talked to the police? Perhaps they can force him out.

jimd2 · 29-03-2015 8:00am

I am not sure if I can add any significant advice except sympathy but 20-25 affairs? That's huge.
he must have been at it all of the time.

How was he able to keep a job over the years?

All I can say is that you need a full record of what went on. If I was you I would be inclined to kick him out and change locks but perhaps the financial aspect precluded that?

Geniass · 29-03-2015 8:14am

Where are you in the divorce proceedings?

brickinit · 29-03-2015 9:49am

i know what people must think 25 Affairs is she for real? I could put names to 7-8 but no concrete evidence until the 3 yr affair. He recently told me I could multiply that by 2 or 3. He wasn't joking. And I have no doubt whatsoever as he literally was gone 24/7. It was easy to slip into don't give a s**t mode.
At the moment I'm not in any formal proceedings, it is next to impossible to even have a conversation about separating, I will just get him out the door first. As I have read on threads before dealing with an alcoholic in this situation is difficult at best. In fact the last time I met with a solicitor 3 yrs ago she said she found dealing with an alcoholic spouse to like being on a merry go round, promising everything and delivering nothing.
My only saving grace is that I feel 100% that it's the right thing to do.

eviltwin · 29-03-2015 12:35pm

Mediation won't deal with a couple where one party is an active addict. Do call women's aid, they can offer lots of practical support as well as emotional support and counselling.

hairyprincess · 29-03-2015 12:45pm

Don't change the locks. It is his home too, you are only looking for trouble if you do that.
What age are your children?

abff · 29-03-2015 12:55pm

You should consider contacting the RISE Foundation - www.therisefoundation.ie This is a registered charity founded by the singer Frances Black that provides support and advice for family members of those with addictive behaviour - whether gambling, drugs, alcohol or any other form of addiction.

Taltos · 29-03-2015 1:20pm

Mod note:
Post deleted. Please don't link to other threads on boards here, especially PI/RI. Due to the nature of issues there it's a sensitive forum. This forum though is an advice forum on separation and divorce and we have some leniency for off topic posting but not to that extent, yes there are always two sides, but let's now drag this thread off into ifs and buts.

brickinit · 29-03-2015 1:47pm

Thanks for all the advice, I'm disappointed that mediation may not get involved as I had planned to contact them this week. The thoughts of it dragging on and on is very disheartening. If this is the case I will get in touch with services mentioned above. I would not be the malicious or vindictive kind, all I want is peace of mind and a roof over my head for my children. I would be completely fair and not take him for every cent I could get despite his Unbelieveable behaviour towards his me.
Thanks again for advice it's much appreciated.

brickinit · 29-03-2015 1:49pm

Children are 7, 14 and 19

Jude13 · 29-03-2015 1:55pm

Who owns the house? who's name is it in? Terrible situation for all.

waulie_palnuts · 29-03-2015 2:12pm

Hey,

Women's Aid and Citizens Advice are good choices and can help you through a lot be giving you the right advice.

It sounds like the relationship is and has been unhealthy for a long, long time. You owe it to yourself to emerge from the abuse and move forward with your life.

Domestic Violence is not just physical.

abff · 29-03-2015 3:01pm

waulie_palnuts wrote: »

Hey,

Women's Aid and Citizens Advice are good choices and can help you through a lot be giving you the right advice.

Given your particular situation, I really recommend that you get in touch with the RISE Foundation. I'm not connected with them in any way, but I know a lot of people who have alcoholics as family members and who have been helped by them.

brickinit · 29-03-2015 4:00pm

The house is in joint nsmes, we have joint bank acc and his only quality is he pays the bills. This is double sword tho as it lulls u into thinking u can't manage, hence the length of time I've stayed
Again thanks for advice, great to know I'm not alone and I'm doing right thing

wuzziwig · 30-03-2015 12:30pm

Brickinit, I went through a very similar situation as you. My ex is a functioning alcoholic and living with him was hell on earth. I was mentally and emotionally abused by him for years. When it got physical, I took my 3 kids and walked out. It was the best thing I ever did. I have a thread up here about it if you want to read it. If you feel your mental health is suffering then I'm going to go totally against the grain here and advise you move out. Your own well being is the most important thing because you need to be there for your kids. My ex would not budge out of the house and in fact remained living there for a year and a half after we left. I eventually managed to get him to agree to me buying him out of the house and luckily the bank gave me a mortgage so we are back home since last August.

Mediation is unlikely to work with an alcoholic. As you said already you are promised everything but actually get nothing. My ex refused mediation but my solicitor said it would have been a total waste of time with him anyway. After a lot of back and forward negotiations we finally drew up a separation agreement that we were both happy with and it was made legal last July.

Do you work? Never think you will not manage because you will and there is help out there for you. Do any of your family and friends know what you are going through? It's very important to get as much support around you as you can. Even just talking to someone about it in real life can take such a weight off. I wish you the best of luck. It's a very difficult thing to go through but you will come out the other end, happier and stronger and knowing you did the right thing for yourself and your kids.

brickinit · 31-03-2015 9:17am

Thanks wuzziwig I read your thread it was identical to my situation. He is agreeing to mediation,I rang and made appointment now he has to do the same. He is also saying he will move out in 2 weeks. (If this happens il b surprised). Can anyone tell me if we agree to an agreement in mediation is it just a matter of taking that to your solicitor? I am not on a huge wage and I wouldn't have the money to pay thousands on legal fees. I have read here of people paying €7,000-€10,000 in fees which I don't have. I might be entitled to free legal aid?

wuzziwig · 31-03-2015 9:25am

If he does go to mediation and you manage to draw up an agreement I would recommend you go to court to make it legal. I went to court with a consent motion and I was in the courtroom for all of 7 minutes. He didn't even have to turn up. Having everything court ordered is great peace of mind because they may be less likely to break the agreement. I find it definitely keeps my ex in line.

My ex promised so many things in the early days of our separation that never came to fruition so just be wary of any promises he makes. He moved out of the house twice and then moved back in again just when I had started to get the kids settled. I really hope he does go ahead and do what he promises because it will be much easier for the kids, and for you, if he does.

Best of luck with it.

ecoangel · 02-10-2015 7:22pm

Hi Briknit, how are things now? You should contact DVR, domestic violence response, I am going through a similar situation and have found them excellent.

Husband refuses to leave

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