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Am I overreacting?

  • 05-02-2016 11:45pm
    #1
    gavbuzz
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭


    This is going to sound remarkably childish but I need advice,

    Turns out a friend of mine who has had a habit in the past when out in pubs as introducing me as "oh this is gavbuzz he's gay" little annoying but I cannot spend my life getting annoyed over every little thing. However a week ago it came out that at a night out I was not at that she told an acquaintance of ours that I fancy him, now I don't but it did bother me slightly that it seems to her that I can't even speak to a boy without fancying him it seems.

    Over the past few days it annoyed me more and more that she doesn't seem bothered that I'm actually quite bothered over her telling people I barely know that I like them in that way when it's untrue, and when I was saying this to a different friend while saying its offensive and even casually homophobic of her to make that assumption about me I was told I was being dramatic and to just cop on.

    Am I overreacting here or am I justified in my annoyance in what now seems to be both of these people?


Comments

  • #2
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,204 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    Annoying, I can understand. "Offensive and casually homophobic" though, is IMO, being overly dramatic.

    I would say your friend was being disrespectful tbh, you're a person in your own right, and not her accessory with which to amuse herself or make herself feel important. What age group are we talking about here because it sounds like very immature behaviour tbh. I would understand if you were all teenagers, but if you're adults, I'd suggest you have a word with your friend, without accusing her of any sort of 'homophobia', and just let her know her behaviour really isn't on.


  • #3
    gavbuzz
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭gavbuzz


    Believe it or not we are both 21 and the immature aspect has been a recurring theme with her to say the least.
    Perhaps I may have jumped the gun a bit by saying casually homophobic it just reminded me of my experiences in an all boys school and always getting that crap about apparently fancying everyone I bloody spoke to. I think I meant offensive in the context of as you said disrespect, as I found it offensive that we are friends for nearly 4 years and I'm still getting this ****.

    It's strange I can take being called dramatic by a complete stranger yet when a friend says it I get pissed, then again at the time it felt like she a straight woman was telling me a gay man what homophobia actually was which needless to say I did not take well.

    Thanks for putting it into perspective for me


  • #4
    the_pen_turner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,523 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    I don't see what she did in any way homophobic.
    homophobia works both ways too remember. saying that she did this because she is straight and you are gay is just a homophobic as she saying it about you


    I think she is just being rude and interfering where she doesn't belong.
    you often see this kind of behaviour. a man cant talk to a woman unless he fancies her or cheating on his girlfriend with her. the same is true the other way round too


  • #5
    the_pen_turner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,523 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    I don't see what she did in any way homophobic.
    homophobia works both ways too remember. saying that she did this because she is straight and you are gay is just a homophobic as she saying it about you


    I think she is just being rude and interfering where she doesn't belong.
    you often see this kind of behaviour. a man cant talk to a woman unless he fancies her or cheating on his girlfriend with her. the same is true the other way round too


  • #6
    Ten of Swords
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 24,063 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    the_pen_turner wrote: »
    saying that she did this because she is straight and you are gay is just a homophobic as she saying it about you

    I don't understand this, what do you mean?

    Op I don't see any homophobia but your friend does sound like she should grow up a bit. Regardless of the fact that you don't fancy this guy, is there any reason why she may think you would and she said it based on a misunderstanding, or do you think she said it maliciously?

    Moderator: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender, Vegan & Vegetarian

    Category Moderator: Social & Fun



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  • #7
    newacc2015
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,379 ✭✭✭newacc2015


    gavbuzz wrote: »
    Believe it or not we are both 21 and the immature aspect has been a recurring theme with her to say the least.
    Perhaps I may have jumped the gun a bit by saying casually homophobic it just reminded me of my experiences in an all boys school and always getting that crap about apparently fancying everyone I bloody spoke to. I think I meant offensive in the context of as you said disrespect, as I found it offensive that we are friends for nearly 4 years and I'm still getting this ****.

    It's strange I can take being called dramatic by a complete stranger yet when a friend says it I get pissed, then again at the time it felt like she a straight woman was telling me a gay man what homophobia actually was which needless to say I did not take well.

    Thanks for putting it into perspective for me

    If a friend is constantly disrespecting your opinion. Why are you still friends with them? If you cant trust what you say to them(telling people you fancy them etc). I dont think it is a very sound friendship IMO.

    I think there is a certain stage when you are 20/21 that you stop being friends with some people, as you look for genuine friends instead of friends by proximity. All my friend's have experienced this. You stay friends with people from school in college for a year or two. Then eventually you find people who you share common interests, values etc.

    Regardless of whether you or others think you are over reacting. If you are ask your friend to stop introducing you, as her token gay friend. I think she should stop.


  • #8
    Arbiter of Good Taste
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,200 ✭✭✭Arbiter of Good Taste


    OP I don't think she is homophobic. But I do think she is a passive aggressive little b1tch.

    I had a friend like her once. She would come out with something seemingly innocuous designed to embarass, and when I would pull her up on it, she would look all innocent and confused, making me feel like some sort of ungrateful b1tch for doubting her sincerity and friendship. As we got older it became very clear that she got a kick out of putting people down.

    I cut her out of my life a long time ago. I firmly believe that whoever you are, you should surround yourself with people who enhance your life - and whose lives you enhance,, not people who make you feel bad.


  • #9
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Intensely annoying yes

    Homophobic no

    Yes you are completely justified in being annoyed at them.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #10
    the_pen_turner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,523 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    Ten of Swords wrote: »
    I don't understand this, what do you mean?

    Op I don't see any homophobia but your friend does sound like she should grow up a bit. Regardless of the fact that you don't fancy this guy, is there any reason why she may think you would and she said it based on a misunderstanding, or do you think she said it maliciously?

    sorry that reads a bit different then in my head
    what I meant was that homophobia works both ways. straight versus gay homophobia is the same as gay versus straight homophobia.

    there is no homophobia in her remarks just rudness


  • #11
    wakka12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    She sounds annoying..and she is in some ways supporting the homophobic myth that gay men are attracted to all guys..


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  • #12
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    wakka12 wrote: »
    She sounds annoying..and she is in some ways supporting the homophobic myth that gay men are attracted to all guys..

    I dont see how that myth is homophobic. Its ignorant alright though.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #13
    LLMMLL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,590 ✭✭✭LLMMLL


    I think it is homophobic. The word has evolved from meaning "hating gay people". If I had a black friend and introduced them as "loving rap" when they had no interest in rap music then I think most people would describe me as racist.

    However I wouldn't bring up the term when discussin it with her. She will be outraged at this description of her and it will cause a lot of drama (which she will probably enjoy).

    And no you're not being dramatic. Having assumptions made about you based on your sexuality is very irritating, and when it involves tellin other people that you fancy them is pretty outrageous.


  • #14
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    LLMMLL wrote: »
    I think it is homophobic. The word has evolved from meaning "hating gay people". If I had a black friend and introduced them as "loving rap" when they had no interest in rap music then I think most people would describe me as racist.

    No. They really really wouldn't.

    Stereotypes can be harmful and dangerous but believing in silly stereotypes does not make you racist or homophobic.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #15
    wakka12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    No. They really really wouldn't.

    Stereotypes can be harmful and dangerous but believing in silly stereotypes does not make you racist or homophobic.

    What? How? If I believed the stereotype that all muslims are terrorists then Im not racist?


  • #16
    LLMMLL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,590 ✭✭✭LLMMLL


    I think they would. Here is the first dictionary definition of racism I found:

    the belief that all members of each race possess characteristics, abilities, or qualities specific to that race, especially so as to distinguish it as inferior or superior to another race or races.

    The same dictionary entry had the "hate other races" definition as well but it was a secondary definition.


  • #17
    endacl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,353 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    wakka12 wrote: »
    What? How? If I believed the stereotype that all muslims are terrorists then Im not racist?
    No. Islam is a creed, not a race. You would be bigoted, though.

    As an aside, if you believed that, you'd be an idiot. If you promoted that belief, you'd be an asshole. The accusation of racist would be null, in light of your idiotic assholery.

    :)


  • #18
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    wakka12 wrote: »
    What? How? If I believed the stereotype that all muslims are terrorists then Im not racist?

    I think the context and form of the stereotype matters and it depends on a case by case basis.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #19
    LLMMLL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,590 ✭✭✭LLMMLL


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    I think the context and form of the stereotype matters and it depends on a case by case basis.

    I agree and the OPs friend is using a particularly harmful stereotype: that gay men will jump on anythin that moves. This leads to a belief that gay couples cannot form stable homes for children.


  • #20
    wakka12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    LLMMLL wrote: »
    I agree and the OPs friend is using a particularly harmful stereotype: that gay men will jump on anythin that moves. This leads to a belief that gay couples cannot form stable homes for children.

    Also that they are promiscuous and spread sexually transmitted diseases


  • #21
    Hrududu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,711 ✭✭✭Hrududu


    the_pen_turner wrote: »
    sorry that reads a bit different then in my head
    what I meant was that homophobia works both ways. straight versus gay homophobia is the same as gay versus straight homophobia.
    Gay verses straight homophobia? As in gay people who are homophobic against straight people?


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  • #22
    jobbridge4life
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,759 ✭✭✭jobbridge4life


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    No. They really really wouldn't.

    Stereotypes can be harmful and dangerous but believing in silly stereotypes does not make you racist or homophobic.

    Assuming and spreading that gay men are attracted to all other men may not always (or indeed often) be done in a homophobic way but the origins are without doubt homophobic. It comes from the long history of portraying gay people as sexually corrupt with insatiable lust, something that made them a threat to all men and in particular younger impressionable men and boys.


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