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T-Girls - How did you pluck up the courage to go out in public the first time?

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  • 09-07-2015 3:07pm
    #1
    BunnyRabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭


    I'm still at the point of leaving the house "tucked" with ladies socks, underwear, tee shirt, bright sparkly belly bar etc, but all covered by almost unisex trousers and a mens top layer.

    I don't seem able to get past that.


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    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Put one foot in front of the other :). Plenty of venues and events in Dublin to ease the nerves (vodka helps too) If you're on Facebook add some of us Dublin T-Girls. The timing is way off but get yourself over to Sparkle in Manchester, nothing better for boosting the confidence.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    When the alternative is locking yourself in a dark room waiting to wither and die, you soon get past it... well, you get past it. I guess you are not there yet, huh?

    Don't worry - just give it time.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHVeyo4W18U


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    BTGIRL wrote: »
    Put one foot in front of the other :). Plenty of venues and events in Dublin to ease the nerves (vodka helps too) If you're on Facebook add some of us Dublin T-Girls. The timing is way off but get yourself over to Sparkle in Manchester, nothing better for boosting the confidence.

    Now there are two ways of looking at this comment, but first we must determine what in actual fact the OP meant by "T-girl" - admittedly, initially, this is something I should have asked Him/ Her/Ze, to elaborate

    So in instance A (where OP is a crossdresser, Transvestite, etc.): your advice sounds fantastic - if all the OP wants to do is have a piss-up on a weekend away - playing make believe. Yeah, Good times!

    In instance B (where OP is a Transitioning Transsexual - which I wrongly assumed when first posting a response): Your advice is stupid and presumes a lot of stereotypical Transssexual behaviours - i.e: that they all want to meet-up with others who just happen to share this one common denominator in seedy nightclubs and at glittery festivals to have a "good time" - just plain stupid. If Op is indeed a transsexual, than my earlier comment, although not advise, is more helpful than saying something so flippant as: Hey, it's easy, don't worry about. Come on, get pissed, then get on a plane, come over here and join the party! - now, this is not the reality for a genuine TS hoping to live day-to-day in there true gender.

    Now, if the OP cares to share with us which one of these instances is true - I would like to know before wasting any more time than I already have with this thread.

    Furthermore, OP, avoid using the term "T-Girl" as it is so ambiguous to what you actually identify as.


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    #5
    J_E
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    Nope! wrote: »
    In instance B (where OP is a Transitioning Transsexual - which I wrongly assumed when first posting a response): Your advice is stupid and presumes a lot of stereotypical Transssexual behaviours - i.e: that they all want to meet-up with others who just happen to share this one common denominator in seedy nightclubs and at glittery festivals to have a "good time" - just plain stupid. If Op is indeed a transsexual, than my earlier comment, although not advise, is more helpful than saying something so flippant as: Hey, it's easy, don't worry about. Come on, get pissed, then get on a plane, come over here and join the party! - now, this is not the reality for a genuine TS hoping to live day-to-day in there true gender.
    What is stupid or wrong about having a shared experience with others? It can be very liberating and comforting for some. It may not be your idea but it's a bit unfair to dismiss it so sharply. The topic is about going out in public, after all. A secure group space is a great way to build up courage and get advice from others.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    J_E wrote: »
    What is stupid or wrong about having a shared experience with others? It can be very liberating and comforting for some. It may not be your idea but it's a bit unfair to dismiss it so sharply. The topic is about going out in public, after all. A secure group space is a great way to build up courage and get advice from others.

    Simple, assuming the OP is a genuine TS wanting to live "full-time", then "stepping out" in that fashion doesn't serve any purpose; it solves nothing to run away for a weekend and take part in a piss up. I can't see any value in it. Day-to-day real life transitioning is not an easy process, so not for one second do I think attending glitter spangled festivals is going to prepare the OP for the harshness of real life. I would say to the OP: just try walking down a street in broad daylight by yourself - as yourself - just once and see how it goes. Then do it again the next day and the day after, and the day after that. Because, in the end, it will all boil down to this: can she cope and function in the real world or not? I can't see how anyone else can prepare her for that. There is no point in sugarcoating it, because it's crap sometimes so she will need to develop a thick skin just to get by, and nobody can help her with that except herself. And that is the reality of living "Full Time".


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    #7
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,880 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    OP it would be helpful if you clarified what you mean by T Girl

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #8
    BunnyRabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭BunnyRabbit


    Sorry I took ages to reply but just needed to get my head round this. Also sorry if used/am using un-PC or wrong language. I don't really understand the terminology so this is the story.

    I don't want to do a glam thing, go to dress up parades or anything, just I've always felt like a girl inside, and coming from a homophobic family with a dad who was a bit fond of hurting us and ridiculing us to his friends I just had to hide it best I could. Then moving out into my own flat gave me the chance to just be me and experiment a little bit at a time.

    Now I come in from work, shower, boy clothes come off, girl clothes go on. There's nothing sexual about it, it isn't "kinky", it is just what makes me feel comfortable as "myself". They aren't particularly attractive clothes, plain dress or even just lady T and lady trousers. I just feel "me" in them. Nearest thing I've done to "outing" myself to anyone is getting my belly button pierced, but I know that piercer is wild LGBT friendly anyway so i knew he wouldn't judge me on it. I've recently started with makeup at home but I need a LOT of practice if that is to go anywhere.

    Just being true to myself in my own flat is making it harder and harder to go out as a lad. I don't want to be the most attractive girl in Letterkenny, I don't really even want to be noticed, I definitely don't want to be hit on. I just don't want to be asked by some well meaning guy in Tesco "Can I help you SIR?" or go to the tax office and be asked "And you are Mr...?".

    I guess really I just want other people to see or at least accept me as I see me.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    BunnyRabbit wrote: »
    Sorry I took ages to reply but just needed to get my head round this. Also sorry if used/am using un-PC or wrong language. I don't really understand the terminology so this is the story.

    I don't want to do a glam thing, go to dress up parades or anything, just I've always felt like a girl inside, and coming from a homophobic family with a dad who was a bit fond of hurting us and ridiculing us to his friends I just had to hide it best I could. Then moving out into my own flat gave me the chance to just be me and experiment a little bit at a time.

    Now I come in from work, shower, boy clothes come off, girl clothes go on. There's nothing sexual about it, it isn't "kinky", it is just what makes me feel comfortable as "myself". They aren't particularly attractive clothes, plain dress or even just lady T and lady trousers. I just feel "me" in them. Nearest thing I've done to "outing" myself to anyone is getting my belly button pierced, but I know that piercer is wild LGBT friendly anyway so i knew he wouldn't judge me on it. I've recently started with makeup at home but I need a LOT of practice if that is to go anywhere.

    Just being true to myself in my own flat is making it harder and harder to go out as a lad. I don't want to be the most attractive girl in Letterkenny, I don't really even want to be noticed, I definitely don't want to be hit on. I just don't want to be asked by some well meaning guy in Tesco "Can I help you SIR?" or go to the tax office and be asked "And you are Mr...?".

    I guess really I just want other people to see or at least accept me as I see me.

    Finally, I have an idea of who I am speaking to. Yeah, that whole flamboyant glam lifestyle, you know, parties and parades, does not appeal to many Transsexuals. And to be honest with you, OP, that is what I am picking up from you: that you are a TS - I don't know if you have accepted this yet or not - but all the signs are there )if I am wrong, well, Bite Me!). You want to blend into society like most of us do and don't want to be made a fuss over. Saying that: I am quite artistic in the way I act and dress, but I certainly don't go out of my way to seek attention, and I don't have time for that type behavour at all; behaviour which is so prevalent at the Pride type events.

    And, it is not predominantly about sexual orientation (although I do have some views on how suffering from Gender Dysphoria can cause one to completely deny their true orientation - but that is by-the-by), Honestly, you sound a lot like I did a few years ago, still coming to terms with it all: I always appeared androgynous - so I get that feeling of wanting to be referred to as Ma'am (which happens, like, a lot these days - Yay Me!) and not "Sir" too . I don't know if you have started HRT or anything like that, and how people refer to you really shouldn't be dependent on that criteria either - but you will have to be brave and be prepared to face abuse verbally from time-to-time - no matter how well you "pass", 'cause some troll will always comment and it will hurt until you can block it out.

    And being hit on, it's not so bad - if it's a genuinely pleasant encounter - and not seedy - take it as a compliment - you don't have to do anything. Just don't put yourself in danger or in a situation where you feel uncomfortable. Also, stay away from admirers unless you want to be seen as little more than a sex object - that's why I strongly advise against going to clubs designated for the lifestyle.

    Finally, OP, let me apologise for my initial flippant reply and wish you well.

    I may pop up again, if you still want my... err... advice - Yeah, probably not, huh?

    Okay,

    Bye!


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    #10
    BunnyRabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭BunnyRabbit


    Hey thanks Nope! Honestly don't worry bout that initial reply, it probably helped kick my arse in the right direction.

    HRT - no, not at the moment anyway, don't even have a conversation with a psychiatrist on the subject never mind a diagnosis. I'm just trying to do what feels right by me and will see where it takes me. Obviously if I ever feel I need to progress to HRT I'll need to get it on paper but if this makes sense I need to figure what is right for me in my head before I do anything like that.

    The next thing I feel I really need to fix is that a couple of hours after shaving my face the nightmare of visible black stubble starts to make a comeback.

    And honestly, any advice from anyone who has been where I am now is very gratefully received.


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    #11
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,880 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Have you thought about accessing support from the Trans Derry group?

    http://www.transgenderni.com/Trans-Derry-9451.html

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #12
    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 87 ✭✭Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9


    Hi Op, I am the user who was posting as "Nope!" I decided to make an account so you could see my replies faster.

    Yeah, I understand HRT is not for everyone; it is a huge decision - admittedly, I did have sleepless nights over whether to proceed or not - but again given the alternative of testosterone ravaging my body for the rest of my life, I pushed ahead. And, Christ, I am so glad I did; No, HRT has not solved all my problems, but it finally all makes sense to me now.

    Now, facial hair: No, no, no, the dreaded 5 o'clock shadow. Yeah, I am not going to lie to you: without HRT it is going to be almost impossible to eliminate facial hair. You can get laser on your face - and since you say you have dark hair it will take care of some of it for a while. Sadly, with testosterone most of it will come back. Believe me, I went this route too, years before even coming to terms with being TS, I was doing all these things that transitioning TSs have to do, and although my neck completely cleared for a while, my face - and especially the upper lip - continued to be a real problem. So again, I would say without the intervention of HRT your facial hair is gonna be tricky. And even if you do come to the conclusion that you need HRT, fighting the damage testosterone has done will be both harsh and expensive. Assuming you do get to a certain point, you will also probably need some electrolysis to clear up the more stubborn parts of your facial hair. Well, I could say more but this is probably an info' overload and I don't want to overwhelm you.

    Final words on laser: Firstly, as you are probably worried about even booking an appointment, in case you arouse suspicion, I will say this: the highly advertised Nationwide Laser company I went to, didn't even bat an eyelid when I made the request. Also, you want a medical grade laser - do not go for anything that says "IPL". And again, I would caution you: without some kind of Testosterone suppressor/blocker in your system you will not see great results, and even with blockers it may still be a problem.

    Anything else, do not hesitate to ask - if I can help, I will.

    Okay,

    Bye!

    No.9

    ___________________
    "I am not allowed to have a signature?"


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    #13
    BunnyRabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭BunnyRabbit


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    Have you thought about accessing support from the Trans Derry group?

    Thanks Joeytheparrot, but I know someone involved in the Rainbow Project and at least at first I'd rather be with complete strangers. Thanks so much for the thought though.


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    #14
    BunnyRabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭BunnyRabbit


    Hi Pumpkin PJs,

    Testosterone blockers, if you get them over the counter from Boots I'd start today. It is eastrogen that I'd be more concerned about.

    I was thinking of waxing my lip.

    I would like to see a shrink who specialises in this or a counsellor or someone just to see if talking it out would help straighten my head, but kinda I'd want to see someone who considers me to have a "difference" rather than a "disorder". Maybe I should also think about a new name too.


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    #15
    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 87 ✭✭Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9


    BunnyRabbit wrote: »
    Hi Pumpkin PJs,

    Testosterone blockers, if you get them over the counter from Boots I'd start today. It is eastrogen that I'd be more concerned about.

    I was thinking of waxing my lip.

    I would like to see a shrink who specialises in this or a counsellor or someone just to see if talking it out would help straighten my head, but kinda I'd want to see someone who considers me to have a "difference" rather than a "disorder". Maybe I should also think about a new name too.


    Blockers are not available over the counter - you will need go through the process of transitioning medically to get anywhere near anything like that - blockers are no joke so don't treat them so lightly. As for oestrogen, well, I can understand your worries about taking it - again, been there - but will need something to replace the T and that is Oestrogen. And if you realy want to feminise your appearance Oestrogen will be vital.

    Yeah, I really think your next step should be seeking counselling. There is a place I know in Dublin that specialize in Gender issues - their service is one of the first stepping stones towards transitioning too, of course you don't have to but they will be far better qualified to assess you than I or anyone on here can. I'm not sure if it would be considered advertising, so PM me if you want details.

    No, do not wax your lip... My electrolysis - whom I love - warned me against doing that. She explained - and I have no reason to doubt her as I had already given her my life savings - that tweezing or waxing that area actually causes the hairs to develop stronger roots next time they grow back. Yes, this is probably the inverse of what you believe about this method of hair removal but I would tend to agree with her; I use to tweeze my entire upper-lip and it always grew back worse - incidentally, if you want to feel real pain - try grabbing one of those thin f**kers that grow on your philtrum and pull real hard - lots of snots and tears and other lovely ooey gooey bodily fluids...

    _____________________

    "All my socks have disappeared again!!"


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    #16
    wonderfulname
    Registered Users Posts: 3,943 ✭✭✭wonderfulname


    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9 wrote: »

    Yeah, I really think your next step should be seeking counselling. There is a place I know in Dublin that specialize in Gender issues - their service is one of the first stepping stones towards transitioning too, of course you don't have to but they will be far better qualified to assess you than I or anyone on here can. I'm not sure if it would be considered advertising, so PM me if you want details.

    Mod: Lets keep everything transparent here, if the OP is looking towards gender therapy or anything related TENI is a fantastic reference point: http://teni.ie/support.aspx?filter=HP

    You'll also find, to the top left in orange writing, a link for peer support groups, I know the OP was uncomfortable with attending the Derry one but there may be one further afield of interest.

    Before we go any further I'd like to point out that medical advice is against the rules of boards.ie as a whole, and soliciting PMs is shakey, no offence No.9, I've no idea where you intend to recommend to the OP but I'd be happier knowing it wasn't somewhere questionable than hoping.


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    #17
    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 87 ✭✭Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9


    wonderfulname wrote: »

    Before we go any further I'd like to point out that medical advice is against the rules of boards.ie as a whole, and soliciting PMs is shakey, no offence No.9, I've no idea where you intend to recommend to the OP but I'd be happier knowing it wasn't somewhere questionable than hoping.



    Ehmm... Where did I give specific medical advice, please give specific examples - I merely gave the OP an idea of what to expect if She indeed feels the need to proceed any further. I also offered some advice on hair removal (last time I checked with the HSE that was not a medical issue), I also said not to regard blockers lightly, etc. Never would condone self-medding, or diagnosing her particular problem.

    Furthermore, and most importantly, I suggested the OP to seek qualified counselling as her next step. Seems like a reasonable piece of advice to me given what I have read.

    Now in the interest of transparency and all - this is the organisation I alluded to, Honeybunny: "Insight Matters" is a counselling service based in Dublin City that deals with Gender Identity issues all the time. (Sorry, can't post link to their site as i haven't posted enough - so you will have to google it).

    And wonderfulname: not everybody who has issues with their gender wants to attend a peer group to talk about things with people they share absolutely nothing else in common with - maybe it worked for you - but not everyone wants to take that route.

    Again OP, I would suggest going straight to a professional psychologist/counselor as your next step - but that is only my advice. Wishing you well.

    No.9
    __________________

    "it's already begun!!"


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    #18
    wonderfulname
    Registered Users Posts: 3,943 ✭✭✭wonderfulname


    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9 wrote: »
    Now in the interest of transparency and all - this is the organisation I alluded to, Honeybunny: "Insight Matters" is a counselling service based in Dublin City that deals with Gender Identity issues all the time. (Sorry, can't post link to their site as i haven't posted enough - so you will have to google it).

    Contact details linked in my previous post under Anne Marie Toole.

    Any issues with moderation feel free to take it to PM, they're not the topic of this thread, the rules have been pointed out along with their rationale, I'm being precautions, not reactionary.


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    #19
    Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9
    Closed Accounts Posts: 87 ✭✭Pumpkin PJs Fan No.9


    OP, I have been mulling this over for the night now. And honestly, I may be a bit too "scorched earth" to be handing out advice to someone in such a vulnerable place. I do think maybe you need a support system - even if it is only online - other than myself. Because, I know how tough and cynical I can be about all this. There are other support on-line Forums out there which are dedicated to supporting all the Transgender community - questioning or otherwise. The one I would recommend is a UK based site named: angels.forum.co.uk (sorry, again no can do linky - but if you do a google search for "the angels forum UK" it should be the first hit.

    It is a very active forum, with members at all different stages of transition - from still questioning (like you) to people who are years and years just getting on with it. It seems to be a very well operated site and has been going since 2000, which in itself is a testament to how well it is run. I would advise you to at least check it out - as you may be able to ask questions of members how have similar exp. and get answers you can't find here. I know, forums helped me when I started questioning everything.

    Okay, I think I am going to leave it here, at least for the time being.

    And, I really do hope you find peace within yourself, however you proceed.

    No.9
    _____________________

    "No silly quote this time."


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    #20
    BunnyRabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭BunnyRabbit


    Thanks so much No 9 & Joeytheparrot.

    Sorry, but while I understand the need for rules, I also feel the need to go somewhere I can say what I feel without worrying about whether I'm going to get slapped with a "parking ticket". I do really appreciate what yous have done for me though.

    Thank you again.


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