Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

Aoifums · 27-02-2012 2:06am

hattoncracker wrote: »

Have counselling tomorrow for the first time. A bit nervous because it's early in the morning and im not a great sleeper.

First time ever? Best of luck with it

My current counsellor seems lovely and isn't scary/in your face at all. It turned out to be nothing like I thought it would, just much nicer.

jammstarr · 27-02-2012 2:08am

hattoncracker wrote: »

Have counselling tomorrow for the first time. A bit nervous because it's early in the morning and im not a great sleeper.

Best of luck buttie

Aoifums · 27-02-2012 3:37am

Just after finding out my knife is blunt. Completely, utterly and totally blunt >_< it was fairly blunt last time and my efforts to sharpen it have ****ed it up. I'm such an ****ing idiot.

nesf · 27-02-2012 5:06am

Aoifums wrote: »

Just after finding out my knife is blunt. Completely, utterly and totally blunt >_< it was fairly blunt last time and my efforts to sharpen it have ****ed it up. I'm such an ****ing idiot.

I'm really not sure whether I should tell you how to sharpen a knife properly or not this thread being the one it is...

Captain Graphite · 27-02-2012 5:55am

I can't empathise with those of you who self-harm, only sympathise. It's something I've never brought myself to do. Not from lack of trying or anything. One of the darkest nights I can ever remember, when I felt so utterly sick of everything and everyone in the world, I tried to force myself to do it. This was some time last May, smack bang during the middle of my exams. I just wanted some scar, some mark to prove to people that I wasn't ok and still needed help.

So I'm sitting in my bedroom, scissors in hand. And I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't have it in me, whatever it is that makes people do it. Objectively I should be very pleased that I've never injured myself. But with my brain being a twisted clusterfúck that's always out to get me, I just used this as an excuse to mentally torture myself some more. "Oh ffs, how fúcking pathetic are you? Too chicken to take a little pain. Can't even injure yourself. You worthless, useless fúck." And so on.....

A friend of mine from school used do it; I've seen the scars on her arms lots of times but I've never spoken to her about it. My ex also used do it and it really broke my heart seeing him feeling the need to resort to it. And even when things between us fell through and I really hated him, I always hoped he'd never do anything like that to himself again.

So I guess I'm really lucky I don't have to deal with this particular demon myself. Sorry for all you guys that do.

Right now at the moment, I'm just a yoyo. Up, down, up, down.......if I was back at home I'd probably give my psychotherapist a text (he ended our regular appointments but told me I could call him anytime). Over here, there's not a whole lot I can do other than log on here and rant to my heart's content. I always feel really selfish here because I can talk about my own problems for ages but am never able to offer advice to anyone else on theirs.

I really feel like I should cry right now or something. I hardly ever cry (can't even remember the last time but I'd say it's been over six months anyway) and I can't make myself do it even when I want to. I think it would be good to just release it all but it's not coming to me.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 7:59am

You're not missing anything by not doing it. Believe me.

Captain Graphite · 27-02-2012 11:16am

Oh I know. And I can only imagine how difficult it is to have to deal with it.

I just wish my stupid mind didn't twist it around and make it seem like a weakness on my part that I haven't fallen into that particular trap. If that makes any sense at all? It probably doesn't. Sorry.

Aoifums · 27-02-2012 11:42am

Captain Graphite wrote: »

I just wish my stupid mind didn't twist it around and make it seem like a weakness on my part that I haven't fallen into that particular trap. If that makes any sense at all? It probably doesn't. Sorry.

Even if you did, it'd still twist everything around. Instead of 'you're so weak', it's 'that's not even a scratch, why do you even bother'. Followed by all the usual insults. And that makes perfect sense.

jammstarr · 27-02-2012 11:56am

Aoifums wrote: »

I'm such an ****ing idiot.

You're not an idiot Aoifums. From your posts on here you come across as very intelligent. Hope you're doing better this morning.

Temaz · 27-02-2012 2:32pm

Went on a long rambling walk and chain smoked, such a disaster zone today.

Captain Graphite · 27-02-2012 2:54pm

Thought I might start crying a few minutes ago. Felt like tears were starting to come but they never did. Would have felt much better if they did tbh.

jammstarr wrote: »

You're not an idiot Aoifums. From your posts on here you come across as very intelligent. Hope you're doing better this morning.

+1

Temaz wrote: »

Went on a long rambling walk and chain smoked, such a disaster zone today.

At home I don't smoke regularly and usually only have a few the odd night when drinking. But over here they're cheap and I find myself doing it more regularly. It's not even a case of being addicted or needing to smoke or anything, I just find it oddly comforting doing something self-destructive that I know is bad for me. And it manages to alleviate boredom for a couple of minutes at a time.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 3:13pm

I smoke far too much

10 cigarettes a day. Day 3. Trying to break a week.

Gillo · 27-02-2012 4:30pm

cloud493 wrote: »

I smoke far too much 10 cigarettes a day. Day 3. Trying to break a week.

I thought I was doing good getting down to ten! Gradually phasing myself down and hopefully stop within a week.
Mood is okish, no motivation even though I had planned in doing loads today but just not getting there. I've to go to a black tie dinner this evening and make a toast after it, absolutely no idea what I am going to say so really bricking it.

Temaz · 27-02-2012 4:49pm

cloud493 wrote: »

I smoke far too much 10 cigarettes a day. Day 3. Trying to break a week.

Ten a day is not bad at all!!

Kaching · 27-02-2012 4:50pm

spent lunch with my smoker friends and after 10 minutes i feel like im getting a bad chest infection because im struggling to breathe

jammstarr · 27-02-2012 5:42pm

I think I've on about 30 fags a day lately.

nesf · 27-02-2012 6:11pm

cloud493 wrote: »

I smoke far too much 10 cigarettes a day. Day 3. Trying to break a week.

I'm down to 2-3 cigarettes a day. I was a 30-40 a day smoker. Electronic cigarettes are a great substitute.

degausserxo · 27-02-2012 6:39pm

cloud493 wrote: »

I smoke far too much 10 cigarettes a day. Day 3. Trying to break a week.

About fifteen ATM, ever increasing.

In other Self centred news, hospitals been put off for a couple of days because there's no space. Which, in the grand scheme of things is ridiculous because my health problems are fairly minor in comparison to a lot of people's. Don't even want to think of what would happen if someone really needed the space.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 6:39pm

Tried the electric ones, didn't feel the same

Idk

Gillo · 27-02-2012 6:46pm

nesf wrote: »

I'm down to 2-3 cigarettes a day. I was a 30-40 a day smoker. Electronic cigarettes are a great substitute.

Thanks I must try that.
I did try the nicorette inhaler which was on. Weird thing though, the health implications don't come into it, it's the financial gains from not smoking and not smelling like an ash tray.

I think I use them as a distraction quite a lot, helps to avoid nerves.

On a completely different note, I know a few people here use mindfulness, I was just in Hodges & Figgs and they have a new book on mindfulness particularly for helping with depression. It looked pretty good if anyone is interested.

midlandsmissus · 27-02-2012 6:55pm

Does anyone notice their face shape changes on antidepressants? I noticed my forehead looking different, and my eyes, and my jaw is permanently in a bit of a grimace, like a clenched state

, there's two other people I know on antidepressants and they have the same facial expression as me, it's scary.

So I looked it up, and apparantley anti-depressants do have a striking effect on your face, they relax the facial muscles. This should surely be discussed more. It's worrying, I feel I don't look like I used to at all

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 7:14pm

I seem to spend most of my time in a perpetual state of frowning anyway, so I doubt it would affect me

CarrieCupcake · 27-02-2012 7:15pm

Had a really rough night and morning. Managed to get an appointment with a counsellor for tomorrow, my first one ever and i don't really know what to expect. Kinda anxious about it now.

midlandsmissus · 27-02-2012 7:17pm

cloud493 wrote: »

I seem to spend most of my time in a perpetual state of frowning anyway, so I doubt it would affect me

Do you notice your jaw being clenched, like your teeth tightly pressed together?

jammstarr · 27-02-2012 7:19pm

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Does anyone notice their face shape changes on antidepressants? I noticed my forehead looking different, and my eyes, and my jaw is permanently in a bit of a grimace, like a clenched state , there's two other people I know on antidepressants and they have the same facial expression as me, it's scary.

So I looked it up, and apparantley anti-depressants do have a striking effect on your face, they relax the facial muscles. This should surely be discussed more. It's worrying, I feel I don't look like I used to at all

I've always had a scornful face I've been told.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 7:22pm

Well I don't know if I'd always purposely clench them. But their always together, both rows of teeth, but I'm not on anything

Idk. Probably should be, but there we are.

Seren_ · 27-02-2012 8:52pm

Captain Graphite wrote: »

I can't empathise with those of you who self-harm, only sympathise. It's something I've never brought myself to do. Not from lack of trying or anything. One of the darkest nights I can ever remember, when I felt so utterly sick of everything and everyone in the world, I tried to force myself to do it. This was some time last May, smack bang during the middle of my exams. I just wanted some scar, some mark to prove to people that I wasn't ok and still needed help.

So I'm sitting in my bedroom, scissors in hand. And I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't have it in me, whatever it is that makes people do it. Objectively I should be very pleased that I've never injured myself. But with my brain being a twisted clusterfúck that's always out to get me, I just used this as an excuse to mentally torture myself some more. "Oh ffs, how fúcking pathetic are you? Too chicken to take a little pain. Can't even injure yourself. You worthless, useless fúck." And so on.....

God, I feel the exact same way. I feel guilty because I don't SH. It's weird because I've only started feeling this way the past few months. and it's not one of those things you can really say to someone, because they'd be a mixture of o_O and :eek: I do

hit/starve myself

sometimes when I'm really down/angry though, but I don't think of it as being the same. Psych does, but I dunno.... (I put that bit in spoilers in case it's triggering).

I was in with the psychiatrist last week, and he thinks that I can maybe start reducing my meds in the summer. Which I'm happy about of course, but worried too. I have to start getting my eating disorder under control too, because it's one thing that I keep ignoring because there was so much other stuff that had to worked on to lift my mood. Bah.

*hugs* everyone. A college soc I'm in organised a random acts of kindness week last week. Maybe there is something nice you could do for yourself/someone else? It actually can have a good effect on mood as I discovered!

LegacyUser · 27-02-2012 9:05pm

I've been reading this thread for a while, sometimes it helps to know that someone out there understands..even a bit.

I'm not doing too good right now.

I've been suffering from trauma related depression for the past few months; when I say trauma related I mean that's how it started.

It's ruined some of my friendships because I just keep cutting people off. I want to be on my own, yet when I'm alone I feel so so isolated..and all I want is for someone to hold me and understand. Everything is so confusing, my head is such a mess.

People I trusted have let me down, and people I never expected much from have surprised me. Some people just can't understand, or don't want to, and it's ok..I get it, but Jesus it hurts like hell. Especially when it's someone you love.

One night last week, I had a really bad night, and a friend I haven't seen in years happened to message me. I was that bad that I just needed someone, anyone, to understand - so I told him. 5mins later he had replied asking where I was and saying he was coming to get me. That meant the world to me. Yet, I haven't been able to talk to or see my best friend in months..because I can't face her. I can't tell her what happened because I'm not the person she knew anymore. I don't know who I am. And it terrifies me. She text me saying she was worried about me and was coming to see me whether I liked it or not, and I got so anxious at even the thought of it. I can't have her here for a whole weekend. She said she doesn't expect anything; but she doesn't understand that I just don't do anything. How hard it is to just function sometimes. I've always been the one who gets through things, I've always been the strong one - the one who helps people. But now, now I'm so so lost. I just don't know who I was, who I am, or who to be. I hate what happened and I hate myself for not being able to deal with it. I hate it!!!

I've put on weight, and I make myself sick to try to control it. I can't risk it going too far, I've worked too hard. I was overweight as a kid and I'm not going back to that. My psych says it's a coping mechanism and as long as I'm aware and keep it in check we can make sure it doesn't escalate. I'm not stupid, I know I'm not fat, but it doesn't stop me hating everything about myself.

The psych I'm going to now is expensive, he's dropped his rate for me but it's still hitting me hard financially. I went to a free 'counsellor' before him though and she was terrible, absolutely terrible. She nearly made me give up hope. This new guy though, he gives me hope, even if it's only an hour a week.

I get anxious quite alot, and kind of zone out alot. Not sure how to explain it but it's lilke I forget where I am and what I'm doing and I'm just brought back to memories of what I'm trying to get past, and everything just starts to feel dark. It's like forgetting even for half an hour makes the next hour even worse, because I let myself think maybe I'll be ok - and realising I'm still not is so, so hard.

Most of the time, I deal with it by not feeling anything. I don't get excited or happy, I just try to keep going. If I keep going I can function. It's when I stop, or something happens, that I fall back down. That happens alot lately. This past week has been really tough, I just can't seem to get back to neutral, I'm stuck.

Right now, I'm thinking about a million different things in my head that have happened or could happen, and the feeling of sheer despair and powerlessness is overwhelming. My heart is thumping and I feel like I can't breathe with the weight of it all. I hate these times. I hate them.

I know I won't do anything tomorrow. I'll stay here in this room and I'll cry.

I hate myself for it. I was never this person. I was never weak. I worked so hard to get to where I was in life, and everything I'd been through just made me stronger, til now. Why can't I deal with this?!! I thought I was more than this. I thought I was someone worth knowing. I thought I was someone worth..something.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 9:14pm

Appreciate not doing it

its terrible doing. You think its only one scratch, one cut, but it always becomes more. Then after you look at your arm, and you think '****' its so hard to stop.

degausserxo · 27-02-2012 9:23pm

@YTH - I dont think SH is specific to cutting. Personally I'd consider what you do as self harm. Don't mean for that to sound insulting or anything, just pointing it out.

midlandsmissus · 27-02-2012 9:27pm

When I'm really depressed I just don't eat. Like I literally eat nothing. I'm never hungry either, I think the stress suppresses my appetite. For example today I have eaten one bag of snax.

I'm surprised my body's still going - the amount of poor nutrition it's received. Really aiming to go and buy some good food tomorrow.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 9:39pm

midlandsmissus wrote: »

When I'm really depressed I just don't eat. Like I literally eat nothing. I'm never hungry either, I think the stress suppresses my appetite. For example today I have eaten one bag of snax.

I'm surprised my body's still going - the amount of poor nutrition it's received. Really aiming to go and buy some good food tomorrow.

Do you eat every meal?

midlandsmissus · 27-02-2012 9:42pm

cloud493 wrote: »

Do you eat every meal?

No, for the last week I haven't eaten any meals, just like one thing a day. Yesterday I ate a bowl of microwave rice in the evening, that's all I had for the day, and the day before I think I just ate a bar of chocolate all day.

I'm at my worst though, I look really sick, and I'm sick of looking so awful, I do go through phases of eating healthily, if I could just get the motivation to go down to the shop and buy some healthy food

The weird thing is I wouldn't call myself anorexic, I don't want to be thin, Im just so depressed I cant eat.

This is definitely my version of self harming I guess.

jammstarr · 27-02-2012 9:58pm

midlandsmissus wrote: »

When I'm really depressed I just don't eat. Like I literally eat nothing. I'm never hungry either, I think the stress suppresses my appetite. For example today I have eaten one bag of snax.

I'm surprised my body's still going - the amount of poor nutrition it's received. Really aiming to go and buy some good food tomorrow.

I'm the opposite - I comfort eat. Before I use to binge and throw it up then but I somehow overcame that.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 10:01pm

I eat like, every other day. I have a lot of trouble eating, I try to swallow something, and I be sick, so in the end I don't/

Seren_ · 27-02-2012 10:07pm

degausserxo wrote: »

@YTH - I dont think SH is specific to cutting. Personally I'd consider what you do as self harm. Don't mean for that to sound insulting or anything, just pointing it out.

It's okay, I understand what you mean. I guess I just don't think it's as big a deal as cutting I suppose as you can't really see the damage. Well, not really. I don't know.

Good luck with the hospital btw

midlandsmissus wrote: »

When I'm really depressed I just don't eat. Like I literally eat nothing. I'm never hungry either, I think the stress suppresses my appetite. For example today I have eaten one bag of snax.

I'm surprised my body's still going - the amount of poor nutrition it's received. Really aiming to go and buy some good food tomorrow.

I'm the exact same, but I tend to spin between phases of doing that and overeating to a huge extent. Been in a binging phase for quite a while now actually. It's tough to get out of doing it, isn't it? Especially when it's been like that for ages (I haven't had a normal eating pattern in about ten years tbh). If you ever need to vent about it, I'm here.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 10:11pm

Your Text Here wrote: »

It's okay, I understand what you mean. I guess I just don't think it's as big a deal as cutting I suppose as you can't really see the damage. Well, not really. I don't know.

Good luck with the hospital btw

I'm the exact same, but I tend to spin between phases of doing that and overeating to a huge extent. Been in a binging phase for quite a while now actually. It's tough to get out of doing it, isn't it? Especially when it's been like that for ages (I haven't had a normal eating pattern in about ten years tbh). If you ever need to vent about it, I'm here.

You talking to anyone YTH?

Seren_ · 27-02-2012 10:16pm

cloud493 wrote: »

You talking to anyone YTH?

Yeah I'm seeing a really great counsellor at the minute actually. She has helped so much with getting me to accept myself! I'm lucky to have found her.

How have you been cloud?

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 10:26pm

That sounds great, I'm really pleased for you

hope it works out like. Good counsellors are hard to find and all that. I'm still here. I was in A&E last week, but there we are.

Seren_ · 27-02-2012 10:37pm

Thanks

And you are still here, that's great. Doesn't matter how many times you end up in A&E as long as you come out of it eventually. That's what I was always told anyway when I used to end up there a lot.

cloud493 · 27-02-2012 10:39pm

I guess so

Always get back up you know.

midlandsmissus · 27-02-2012 10:47pm

Went down and bought food.

jammstarr · 27-02-2012 10:59pm

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Went down and bought food.

Did you get junk or some good stuff?

midlandsmissus · 27-02-2012 11:07pm

jammstarr wrote: »

Did you get junk or some good stuff?

Good stuff!

jammstarr · 27-02-2012 11:10pm

I had a kebab and chips. I've been saying since the start of the new year that I'll finally get around to healthy living but each week I put it off.

talullah · 27-02-2012 11:28pm

Wish i was more motivated to care about eating healthy...im like you midlandmiss, lose my appetite when im depressed and just dont have a desire for food. For the past two years (longer i think) i've survived on bowls of cereal with the odd kfc or full irish thrown in when the o/h makes me eat out, not just quite as skeletal as i was a few months ago which is good i guess. Kind of developed a worrying liking for being tiny which really is not good i know but sure that's just how it is...

Kaching · 27-02-2012 11:36pm

since January i been surviving off one meal a day and maybe a snack (singular) I'm just not hungry

Gillo · 27-02-2012 11:37pm

I'm the same if I'm really low, no appetite I think what keeps me going is I force myself to excerise a lot so build up a ferocious appetite. The weird thing is sometimes I'll eat loads, I bought a bag of doughnuts last Monday think yeah'll it'll be a nice treat for the next few days, and ended up finishing the bag in three hours.

Glad to say that speech I had to do went ok.

Have to book an appointment with counsellor, and really not looking forward to going, just don't want to bring up stuff that I know I need to.

midlandsmissus · 27-02-2012 11:47pm

It must be a symptom of depression so. Then your body and brain isn't getting nutrients, meaning you have less energy, and less motivation and feeding into a vicious cycle.

I think if we get into the habit of doing it it will be a great help to us. We should report here this week about what we have eaten, it will be a bit of encouragement to each other.

Even if I'm not hungry I'm going to aim to eat three meals a day this week,that's my aim!

talullah · 27-02-2012 11:48pm

Gillo wrote: »

I'm the same if I'm really low, no appetite I think what keeps me going is I force myself to excerise a lot so build up a ferocious appetite. The weird thing is sometimes I'll eat loads, I bought a bag of doughnuts last Monday think yeah'll it'll be a nice treat for the next few days, and ended up finishing the bag in three hours.

Glad to say that speech I had to do went ok.

Have to book an appointment with counsellor, and really not looking forward to going, just don't want to bring up stuff that I know I need to.

Yea i know the feeling, you know you have to talk about it but the thoughts of it....

Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

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