Don't know what to do

LegacyUser · 21-01-2008 1:06pm #1

Hi there,

A couple of weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant and I am about 7 weeks now. I was and am still on planning on having a termination but some dounts of set in. I met the father on Friday and we talked for a while about what was going to happen but all of a sudden I felt that maybe I wanted the baby.

He went into a rant about he was too immature (hes nearly 32 ??) to have a child, that he has nothing to give a child yet and that he really doesn't see any option. But the more I think about the more I feel I want to have this baby. I don't have much of a career so it won't disrupt anything and I really have nothing else in my life that justifies an abortion. Im not loaded but I do have the sense to cope on my own if I have too, im 25 and I am a grown up after all.

I didn't say anything to him and he went off to meet his current girlfriend thinking I was happy to proceed with tha abortion. I rang him saturday and told him about my doubts and he just hung up the phone on me. I sent him a couple of messages but Ive heard nothing from him. I know he is scared and I have no intention of holding him to ransom over this, if he doesn't want to be involved I won't insist that he gives me money or his time.

I won't have much help from family or friends as my parents still have young children and they simply don't have the time or money and everyone else has there own life. I will be very much on my own with this especially if he never contacts me again which could be likely. Plus I am very lonely in my life at the moment and suffering from depression and someho I think a baby will alleviate all that which is probably very foolish of me.

Any thoughts.

Beruthiel · 21-01-2008 1:26pm

Scared,
When you ask, 'any thoughts' what is it you want us to tell you?

Understandably, you're scared and feeling alone and are having doubts, it's difficult to think straight under those circumstances.
When considering termination, there can be no doubts, it's final and you do not want to put yourself in the position of regret later.
So, as doubts have set it. What are your next options?
Seems there is no point trying to involve the father, he's not interested.
Have you considered adoption as an option?
It's time to talk this through with a professional, you will find some handy links stickified at the top of this forum that may guide you in the right direction.

I will be very much on my own with this especially if he never contacts me again which could be likely.

Can I ask, where you expecting him to come back to you because of this?

Plus I am very lonely in my life at the moment and suffering from depression and someho I think a baby will alleviate all that which is probably very foolish of me..

I wouldn't go expecting that to be the case.
You need help, go and get it asap.
Best of luck.

Sandy2004 · 21-01-2008 1:55pm

As a woman - I would go with what is in your heart.... your gut feeling. You do what is right for you.

Don't expect this guy to change as you said he is immature and hasnt grown up yet... he is not ready but the question is - are you? Give him some time to get used to the idea.. he wont make any useful decisions just yet...

Financial doesnt matter that much, you will get by... but emotionally are you ready? A baby may not lift your depression, it could get you further into it ... I would weigh up the pros and cons.... and see what you come up with.. or as the other poster said ... talk to someone professionally, by bouncing your own feelings off someone else... you might come to your own conclusions... at the end of the day, it will be your choice.

Wish you all the best of luck. Try not to worry 2 much.. everything will sort itself out in the end

LegacyUser · 21-01-2008 2:12pm

To be honest I never really had an interest in the father. He is a friend's brother and we just ended up sleeping together because we both a bit bored and drunk. Hes a nice guy but a bit of an idiot, very clever but does nothing with his brains. Bit like me really.

The fact that I am friends with his sister is a problem because he will probably hear about the baby if he is born and I don't want him to get involved out of guilt or because his sister's drove him mental about it.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2008 2:15pm

you must go an see a counsellor re the termination. They will help sort you out as to whether the best option for you is to keep the baby, have it adopted or have a termination. Go to or phone the Well Woman centre and they'll be able to help you. Do arrange this as fast as possible, for your own good.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2008 2:16pm

Okay so if you decide to have the baby and the father continues to want to have nothing to do with his child at some point your child will want to know about its father. What are you going to do then?

Also, do you have the support network you will need to raise this child? Will you have enough money to provide for it? Will you have enough money to provide for yourself?

"I'm lonely and maybe this baby will make my life better" is no reason to bring a child into the world.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2008 2:57pm

atwork wrote: »

"I'm lonely and maybe this baby will make my life better" is no reason to bring a child into the world.

Thats true. Financially I am well able to support a child but emotionally Im not ready yet and I really feel I need the support of the father so its no good. I have no choice but to have an abortion and after reading that other thread about the guy finding his child after 16 years I don't think I want a scenario like that.

Victor · 21-01-2008 3:11pm

Scared08 wrote: »

Financially I am well able to support a child but emotionally Im not ready yet and I really feel I need the support of the father so its no good.

Are we ever ready? Sure, life is complicated, but you'll survive.

after reading that other thread about the guy finding his child after 16 years I don't think I want a scenario like that.

It won't be like that scenario. In your case, the father knows he has a child. He might even come around in next while.

moco · 21-01-2008 3:21pm

If you think you're depressed now, think what you'll be like with a screaming baby on your own with little or no support. Unless what you truly want for your life is to be a single mother, you should think very carefully about having the baby.

The father isn't interested but at least he's being honest and you know what you'd be getting yourself into. I've recently seen what it's like for a child to grow up not knowing who his father is and can cause so many problems and pain when they get older.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

biko · 21-01-2008 3:34pm

My 2 cents is that would be better to have a child with a caring father.
There will be plenty of opportunities later to meet mature men that will gladly share the responsibility. Speak to a counsellor but termination is a real option.
What is best for the child later when it is 1 years old and need constant attention? When it is seven and need clothes every few months.

Drift · 21-01-2008 4:11pm

I'd like to make a point or two that I think are worthwhile but I want to start by saying I have strong opinions on abortion so the post may be quite one-sided. I'm sure if a mod sees this post as inappropriate they will delete it.

A lot of people in this thread seem to be considering the abortion point of view from the perceived future of the OPs baby. IMO she seems concerned enough and stable enough to give the kid a good life. Obviously it would be better to have the father around but plenty of fantastic people grew up with only one parent, in many cases a mother much worse suited to the job than the OP of this thread! So personally I can't see any way of justifying an abortion by saying the baby will have a bad life. (Personal Opinion: Regardless , it will still be better than no life.)

OP I think you should attend some councilling before you make any decisions. I know it's readily available from a number of different "unexpected pregnancy" agencies, so you should have no problem picking one suitable for you. I would also advise you to discuss it with a member of your family, parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle or even a close friend who may have been in the same circumstances. I think you'll find that regardless of how busy any of them are with their own life/kids you'll still get some support and won't be completely alone.

Finally, OP you have to consider yourself personally. Although many don't, some women who have had abortions find it hard to deal with down the line. I've no personal experience but I believe in some cases they experience a combination of guilt and mourning that can be quite emotionally distressing.

I hope the points I've made are of some help OP and I wish you the best whatever you choose.

Balmed Out · 21-01-2008 4:15pm

Id imagine that if you go ahead with an abortion while already having doubts its not going to end well for you. Its not the kind of thing you want to spend the rest of your life regretting. I dont have a kid but anyone i know who does thinks its the greatest thing to ever happen them regardless of whether it happened under ideal circumstances or not. As for the father, what a langer. I hope that he was in shock and just freaked out. Best of luck.

Marksie · 21-01-2008 4:24pm

Drift: No you are ok. You dealt with the issue and avoided emotive language. Plus it is a balancing viewpoint with good advice.

I will say that emotive or absuive posts will not be tolerated from this point, as this thread is not to degenerate into chaos.

By all means give the OP advice and support but avoid insults or cajoling. I will Ban you otherwise, on both sides of the fences on this issue

LegacyUser · 21-01-2008 4:29pm

Drift wrote: »

Although many don't, some women who have had abortions find it hard to deal with down the line. I've no personal experience but I believe in some cases they experience a combination of guilt and mourning that can be quite emotionally distressing.

Drift, thanks for making your personal stance known & I have to say (being of the right to choose persuasion) that you came across as very fair. Just one point, that the majority of women - studies have shown - do not feel regret or guilt; that most of those who did feel regret or guilt took the decision for having termination for the wrong reasons or were persuaded into it by parents etc.

OP, do talk to somebody. I do feel for you in this, as a mother myself who has also had a termination. All the best, I do hope it all works out for you.

Beruthiel · 21-01-2008 4:38pm

joanna54321 wrote: »

that most of those who did feel regret or guilt took the decision for having termination for the wrong reasons

Thus the reason I think you should know your own mind and be comfortable with your decision before going through with it.

Ciara2008 · 21-01-2008 6:23pm

Hi Scared08

I sort of relate to your problem.

First off the father of your baby seems immature and you should not let his opinion or thoughts on this have any affect on your final decsion.

I was only 23 and with my exe 15 months when I discovered I was pregnant - we were a happy couple and always talked like we would be together forever. Neither of us wanted children.....well not yet anyway. I was on the pill and to say I was shocked when I found out was an understatement. I had always proclaimed that "I'd be on the plane with the pregnancy test still in my hand" and I would get an abortion no doubts.

Anyway, when i actually was pregnant, I felt completely different, I felt like I wanted to keep it, despite the difficult circumstances. My boyfriend told me I was mad and it was hormones messing with my brain and I had to get rid of it, It'll ruin my life, i'd lose my job etc etc. He was putting me under lots of pressure and then finally he said that he loved me but if I went through with the pregnancy then I wasn't the person he thought I was. It hurt me a lot, I still hadn't made my mind up but I miscarried anyway. He said it was fate but our relationship fell apart a few months later anyway...

Anyway, I knew in my heart 100% despite all of the things I was saying out loud that I had to go through with the pregnancy - I think you just know what's meant to happen and somehow nothing anyone else says matters because it's between you and your body and what feels right. That's all you have to think of.

You.

Don't stress yourself out too much

xxxx

He

Nevyn · 22-01-2008 11:57am

Well the ball is in your court op, you can have a medical chemical abortion up
to 9 weeks or a medical proceedure abortion until you are 19weeks 6days pregnant in the uk, but really with in the first 12 weeks is preferable.

So you could look at ringing and booking one for then ie in 5 weeks time and take the time to figure out what you want.

You can change your mind right up to when they take you into the operating room.

http://www.bpas.org/abortions/options.html

Or as you are an adult and 25 and state that you think you would be able to rear a baby then why not ?

When is ever a 'good' time to have a child ?

My mother was 22 having me and I was 23 having my first.
You cope, you learn and you adjust and there are advantages to having your first child at 25 rather then at 35.

There are help and support available to you, it's a pregnancy not cancer.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/social-welfare-payments-to-families-and-children
http://www.solo.ie/
http://due.date.calculator.googlepages.com/
http://www.gingerbread.ie/

And you will be surprised how familly will rally around, my Nana used to say babies are good news.

Only you can make this decision, I suggest you make sure that you do what is best for you as living with regret is hard be it the regret you did have a termination or regretting having the child and feeling trapped.

Read as much as you can and make the best informed decision you can.

channaigh · 22-01-2008 3:56pm

please don't do it i went to england and i've never got over it if i could turn back time i would have kept the child. you will cope cause u have to when i went to england i already had a five month old baby just broke up with my bf thoughti couldn't cope with another baby . listen to your heart. but if you do go please see someone when you come back and talk it through
best of luck with whatever u do

rs · 22-01-2008 5:01pm

Scared08 wrote: »

I won't have much help from family or friends as my parents still have young children and they simply don't have the time or money and everyone else has there own life. I will be very much on my own with this especially if he never contacts me again which could be likely. Plus I am very lonely in my life at the moment and suffering from depression and someho I think a baby will alleviate all that which is probably very foolish of me.

Funnily enough, before I became a father I would have very much been in the pro-choice camp. Now, I tend to lean a bit more towards the opposite direction, but it all really depends on the situation.

A baby is going to be very hard to deal with on your own. They are an amazing amount of work. They really are a total time commitment really for the first few years. I doubt it will help with the depression but it may give you a new sense of purpose.

You really should talk to a professional about all this.

The father sounds like a complete tool, and with the way he has treated you so far he has made it very clear he is only thinking about himself. Given that is the situation, I think you need to do exactly the same. Make the decision based on what you think is best for you.

You'll be amazed at how much support you will get if you decide to keep the baby, but don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

Also, there are thousands of couples who would do nearly anything for a baby. Please consider adoption as another serious alternative.

Good luck.

Whispered · 22-01-2008 5:14pm

Op, I have a friend who had an abortion, as she was in a siutation very similar to yours. Most of the time she was fine but as soon as she had a few drinks, the night would descend into me sitting in a toilet cubicle with her while she sobbed over her baby. She hid her feelings so well most of the time but the guilt she felt still affects her 10 years later. If you have any doubts my advice would be to have the baby and put it up for adoption if you can't cope with being a mother. Although, I know so many people who have had kids unexpectedly and all of them say it's the best thing that ever happened to them.

LegacyUser · 22-01-2008 5:41pm

Hi. Thanks for all your advice. I am fairly sure I will go ahead with the termination, my head is not in the right place for me to have a baby and I think its the right way to go. I have been to see counsellors so this isn't a blind decision, I do know how it could affect me in years to come. I know for certain that I could never put up a child for adoption for personal reasons I am vehemently opposed to anything like that. As for the father for a 32 year old he is a bit of a tool but I know he has his reasons and I think it would be wrong of me to hold him to ransom.

Whispered · 22-01-2008 5:48pm

Best of luck with whatever you do. Look after yourself.

Don't know what to do

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