Feeling unappreciated

LegacyUser · 21-01-2008 10:53am #1

can a guy ever change. I love my boyf, he doesn't love me...yet!! I do loads for him, he doesn't do very much for me at all. We meet up when he wants to, we have sex when he wants to. I love him very much and he has a heart, all I want to know is should I prolong it to see if he cops on to himself, cos I am beginning to feel like a nagging bitch..and that only pisses him off more.

Beruthiel · 21-01-2008 11:28am

Women often make the great mistake of thinking that they can change their man. You can't.
More to the point, if he is the man for you, there would be no need for 'change' as you picked him because you liked what you see.
My thoughts are, 'take me as I am, or not at all'
If you are not happy with him, why are you with him?

tbh · 21-01-2008 12:00pm

Ch-ch-changes! wrote: »

can a guy ever change. I love my boyf, he doesn't love me...yet!! I do loads for him, he doesn't do very much for me at all. We meet up when he wants to, we have sex when he wants to. I love him very much and he has a heart, all I want to know is should I prolong it to see if he cops on to himself, cos I am beginning to feel like a nagging bitch..and that only pisses him off more.

exactly as Beru says - why should it be his choice to change or not? Your atitude should be "mate, if you are so dumb that you don't even recognise a good thing when you have it, then feck you. LATERS!"

by doing what he wants, when he wants, all you are doing is giving him the impression that he deserves better than you - after all, he's not the one making compromises, is he? He's thinking "this girl is willing to do anything i ask to make me happy. I must be AWESOME!"

Marksie · 21-01-2008 1:35pm

tbh wrote: »

by doing what he wants, when he wants, all you are doing is giving him the impression that he deserves better than you - after all, he's not the one making compromises, is he? He's thinking "this girl is willing to do anything i ask to make me happy. I must be AWESOME!"

Ahh yes, you cannot change your BF but you can change your own behaviour.

You are showning totally obliging behaviour..everything is when he wants, what he wants etc.
Of course he wont change because it suits.
Then of course you get resentful because you are not getting what you want.

Nagging? has he said that and is it because the way you put this "you always always you?"

Have you ever thought of saying
1: No i want to do something else
2: I cant make such a date, but i wnat to do this son such a date
3: No i dont want sex tonight
4: I want sex tonight

Wibbs · 21-01-2008 1:43pm

I agree with everything written before. You can't change him. People will only change if they want to have the capability to do so and have the support. This is rare. People very rarely change once their basic personality is set, they just get better at covering it up as they age.

As Beruthiel has pointed out this changing guys thing is very common with women. They buy into a fixer upper, thinking that they will have some effect on the guy. That's what's attractive about it. They may even purposely avoid guys that are too easy or are already the way they think they want. The slightest sign that he may come around to your way keeps you in the relationship. It's that uncertainty that makes him more attractive. Of course if he actually changes into what the woman wants most times the woman loses interest. Then they look for another fixer upper. Typical.:D

You do have to set some boundaries though. If it's all one sided he will control you, the relationship and your life. Every so often start by not caving in to his demands. Little steps. If you're naturally a passive person this will not happen overnight.

Marksie · 21-01-2008 2:35pm

Wibbs wrote: »

People very rarely change once their basic personality is set, they just get better at covering it up as they age.
.

Umm i think people change continually and naturally as they grow older... and so they should its about growing and developing. Though they may have a default option they go back to in times of stress.

Hence the threads you will get B/F or G/F changed i want him/her back to what she was.

So change is an natural organic process. (If your an owd wan like me it may seem like entropy:)). Where the issue arises is when somene tries to force the pace of that change.
Gets someone to change then they change and its not what they want.

A good relationship doesnt force change, but it accepts changes that occur within it.

So the issue here is not changing the boyfriend, but putting forward her needs and wants to reach an effective compromise.
So neither is it about him "loving" her, its about him being flexible adn showing compromise.

St Bill · 21-01-2008 8:37pm

OP, it's not fair to expect him to change...he is what he is. Would you like it if your other half expected YOU to change? It's not an easy thing to do.

Wibbs · 21-01-2008 9:51pm

Marksie wrote: »

Umm i think people change continually and naturally as they grow older... and so they should its about growing and developing. Though they may have a default option they go back to in times of stress.

Yea I wasn't clear enough. What I mean is some people can change but when I said cover up, most of the time I find people compensate for parts of them that aren't working, often just holding back. That can appear as real change. It depends a lot on age too. In general terms there is much more change going on between 18 to 25, than between say 48 to 55 to take an extreme example.

Hence the threads you will get B/F or G/F changed i want him/her back to what she was.

In many of those cases it's where the "real" personality of one or both of the partners comes out after a while. All of us to a greater or lesser extent hold back some of ourselves when dealing with a new partner. We may hide what we consider the bad bits of us back and extol what we see as our good points. The chatting up stage would be the extreme example of that. We look our best and consciously try to put our best foot and personality forward. Indeed that is healthy as spilling one's guts on the first date is not helpful.

The other situation is where one of the partners projects an idea(or ideal) of the other, which holds for a while until the everyday mundane business of a relationship comes to the fore. You can often see that when people start to live together and accusations of one or both partners "changing". I'm a cynical oul git anyway so......:D

So change is an natural organic process. (If your an owd wan like me it may seem like entropy:)).

Where the issue arises is when somene tries to force the pace of that change.

Agreed and if I may say a more female trait, particularly younger women.

A good relationship doesnt force change, but it accepts changes that occur within it.

very true.

So the issue here is not changing the boyfriend, but putting forward her needs and wants to reach an effective compromise.
So neither is it about him "loving" her, its about him being flexible adn showing compromise.

very true. It can be hard though. If he's gotten used to her in one way and that's the status quo he may resist that change even if it's healthy for him and her. Little steps again.

Feeling unappreciated

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