Boss just doesn't like me

estar · 19-01-2008 2:32pm #1

hi

i have a problem with a senior manager. i started a new job last year, and
he has made a point of pointing out to everyone every mistake ive made
during my year there. i only seem to make mistakes with his work- and
i dont make that many - but he treats every one like the greatest deal.
last week i got exam results and did really well - the day before i had
been finishing work for him, i made an error that i pointed out to him,
and fixed. he called me in the day after my exam, and sat me down to
tell me how disappointed he was that i had made an error, that he thought
i would have done better, and that it made him question me.

there is another girl that works with me, she made a similiar error
and no such calling in, discussing etc

i was gutted. i had been so happy after passing my exam, and his
negative attitude just brought me way low

he even used that against me, saying how clearly i wasnt stupid
so why did i make this error

i never answer him back or disagree with him, i usually just apologise
and try harder.

its like i can nver win. every human makes mistakes esp if they move into a new area and are learning. its like the bigger a deal he makes of it,
the more intimidated i get.

i dont know how to handle him, or fight back. my othere manager never has a problem with my work. if i make an error thats not obviously carelss,
they just chalk it up.

id never be so careless as to take on a senior manager, he would win every time. hes very well respected and popular, but seems to hate me.

even his manner is different, laughing and joking with everyone else,
looking at me like i crawled out from under a rock.

im thinking of going into him monday and asking him why he made such a deal of my error that i fixed, when the other girl wasnt made to feel like a two brained cell ape.

i have a really good CV, but have a history of being picked on at work. in my last job this happened as well. i really let it get to me, and had to take time off work.

i am gutted its happening again. is there some kind of sign you send out
to these f***king C*nts that says - look dont f*ck with me, without saying it overtly.

do we have any bullies in the audience ? what is it about people that makes you go - thats them - thats my target right there.

i am very soft. perhaps i need to be tougher.

this is a necessary rant to prevent me going in with my carving knife on monday holding it to his throat and saying - guess that error isnt so f*king serious now

LegacyUser · 19-01-2008 2:57pm

i am gutted its happening again. is there some kind of sign you send out
to these f***king C*nts that says - look dont f*ck with me, without saying it overtly.

http://www.equalitytribunal.ie/index.asp?locID=50&docID=-1
get some of these booklets and leave them on your desk where he will happen to see them but do not make any reference to them

Oryx · 19-01-2008 3:00pm

I think that there is something about quieter people that is like a signal to stronger personalities that you can be walked on.

Ive never been in a situation like yours where there is a management structure, Ive always worked in more informal situations. But I have noticed that when you reach the end of your tether and suddenly refuse to take anymore from a bully (without resorting to a carving knife) you can make them deal with you with more respect. If nothing else speaking up would do wonders for your self esteem. Kow towing to someone you dislike is soul-destroying.

Please dont bring knives to work. You might just be tempted to use them.:)

gar32 · 19-01-2008 3:17pm

Hi there, very interested in this as sister is in the same palce. She is really thinking of moving job just because her manager is picking on her for sending emails. She is great at her job & only sends emails when her work is done. She gets upset when I say talk to her manager she gets upset. What do people do in this cases? Someone got adivice for me to say to my sister?

Oryx · 19-01-2008 3:26pm

gar32 wrote: »

Hi there, very interested in this as sister is in the same palce. She is really thinking of moving job just because her manager is picking on her for sending emails. She is great at her job & only sends emails when her work is done. She gets upset when I say talk to her manager she gets upset. What do people do in this cases? Someone got adivice for me to say to my sister?

In your sisters case, stop sending emails during company time. The manager is perfectly within his rights to tell her to stop. It may not be fair, but if its policy you have to suck it up.

is_that_so · 19-01-2008 3:36pm

Normally in these situations people would go over the manager's head to their manager or more constructively go to HR. Many so-called managers these days are high on theory but low on ability. Many of them also seem to be driven by fear. Judgement, instead of being based on some actual understanding is made by looking up a manual or going on a training course.
The use of KEI and performance indicators don't help either. I had one boss who wouldn't let me go on training courses, because he felt it reflected better on his performance and showed he was saving the company money. Needless to say, and he admitted it, HR gave him a bollocking over it.

So my suggestions for the OP and gar32

1. If it is a unionised company - see your union rep.

2. Go to HR. I would say that this may be the best step and it is part of their job to address issues like this.

3. Go above the manager - to the top if necessary.

4. If you are brave enough bring it up in a one to one. Usually this type of stuff has to be recorded and signed-off on. But it needs to be done in a measured detached manner, no tears or emotions.

5. Pack your bags and make some reference to it in the exit interview.

6. Finally but most importantly DO NOT let this fester , act on it now or it will begin to have debilitating mental and physical effects.

Good luck.

is_that_so · 19-01-2008 3:39pm

KtK wrote: »

In your sisters case, stop sending emails during company time. The manager is perfectly within his rights to tell her to stop. It may not be fair, but if its policy you have to suck it up.

If that policy is being used to monitor her, then there is no sucking up involved. She has a right to challenge the manner of it and should do so. One of the biggest problems companies face, in my experience, is not bad employees but some seriously poor managers.

estar · 19-01-2008 3:40pm

its hard to know what to do

what i have found works is not to react emotionally.

i was fit to cry on friday, but i smiled and apologised for this mistake

the boss is entitled not to ask her to email in work

although its petty

she could text under the desk instead !!!!

my answer is to bide my time and leave.

this man isnt going to change

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

estar · 19-01-2008 3:49pm

- they dont really have a HR policy. everything is informal.

thats just the way they roll. HR didnt even sit in on the interview.

so that aint an option.

what ive found previously is that if you make a manager look stupid
they will sit on it, and get you back

so afraid. im going to bring it up with the other manager
by saying - look others make similar mistakes.

by i guarantee he wont take on the other guy.

the CV was being sent out all friday afternoon.

im going for a slightly more junior job hopefully
with people that are personable and normal and not FREAKS

theres no way im starting a war i cant finish

its cut and run time.

i just hope it doesnt happen again. its easy to get totally disheartened.

the funny thing is i have a CV with all top marks in it.

and was asked to stay on in different roles in my last two jobs.

im just going to spend the weekend thinking about those things
and not the year of HELL ive just endured.

thanks guys. to all those people in the same situation as me, take a step
back, look at the bigger picture, and keep a record of each conversation.

i was keeping a record of every task i did and the result up until
i was made permanent but i stopped then as i thought things would
improve. im kciking myself now. in the next job i have its going to
be log book log book log book.

sometimes you wonder why me? why not the other girl?

anyway, famine, death my work issue

Marksie · 19-01-2008 4:08pm

estar wrote: »

- they dont really have a HR policy. everything is informal.

HR have to have written policies on things. It cant be that informal. Perhaps they juts dont inform you on what they have.
Worth asking them what their policies on situations like this are and asking for copies

Ishindar · 19-01-2008 4:40pm

sounds like u are being a over sensative OP and not looking at the full picture here. U most definitely should not take this prsonally as u have been doing because u are setting yourself up for failure again and again.
It sounds like this guy has noticed some weaknesses in your work and is asking u to raise your standard a bit. you need to realise that its not u that sets the standards or u that decides what is effective work or not.
this can be hard to take when u are not used to failure but u shouldnt look on it as failure either its just asking u to raise your game a little. his job is to keep standards up and get the best out of the staff and maybe there are elements of the job that u may struggle with and not quite realise. If this happens again, It is a better approach to discuss with him what areas of the job u can improve in in his opinion, lead the discussion and ask him for direction and maybe even mentorship, show him some commitment.
Take what he says on board, focus on these areas and display some improvement.
its a pain in the ass i know ive been there, i was like u once but stuck with it and did the above and I succeeded and progressed hugely. I grew as a person and developed skills i never would have had and those skills are a huge benefit to me today and enrich my life.
good luck with it OP .

estar · 19-01-2008 4:57pm

but this guy has never been on my side.

i think it is personal. and that he just doubts my ability, despite my great results

i think i just dont lick his a&ss or bat my eyelashes at him enough.
or bow down prostrate before his greatness. or something.

ill take his comments on board to the next job. he cant explain ****.
hes about as clear as a glass of bogwater. yes, he is very good at his
job, but he cant be clear in what he wants done.

im not ready to be mature about this yet.

he humiliated me. perhaps my standards arent on the ball
the whole time. but im unhappy and uncomfortable there.
the man who never mad a mistake never did anything.

i can see the logic in what you are saying ish and i wont take him on,
or let on i hate him. but i think he is a negative, nit picking unfair
miserable git. more importantly i dont think ill learn what i want there.

its just so frustrating that i cant just go in and bite his ear off, and then id feel bettr.

ps. mods - i actually dont advocate physical violence i am just venting
my spleen. i wouldnt actually bite his ear off, id say he would taste gross.

what i probably will do is just put up and shut up. and job hunt.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 19-01-2008 5:24pm

Hey

It is bullying & he should know better. However, most victims of bullying partly bring it on themselves.

You sound like it's blatently obvious you really care about what others think of you. Like it or not this is a sign of weakness, and something you need to address.

It's difficult(though possible) to change your ego & what people think of you in your workplace. So get a new job if you need to. However, if you behave the same way in your next job the same sh*t is gonna happen, hopefully not with a senior manager but could well happen with colleagues.

Do you care more about what people think of you than being yourself?

Don't aplologise for something you shouldn't have to. Ever. I think you should have a go at not taking sh*t from this guy & I think there's a good chance he'll change his attitude & respect you.

Lemming · 19-01-2008 5:27pm

estar wrote: »

im not ready to be mature about this yet.

There's your problem right there (I'm deliberately ignoring everything else mentioned because this is important). This manager may be a complete toad, he may be a genius trying to get the best out of you but with absolutely no people skills, but regardless if you sit in a corner sulking, you're screwed any which way you cut it.

If you want to be taken seriously in any sort of complaints action you need to come across as a mature, professional individual and not a petulant child (not that I'm claiming you are either, but it's hard to tell from text).

Sir Oxman · 19-01-2008 6:14pm

estar wrote: »

i am very soft. perhaps i need to be tougher.

Yes.

jellie · 19-01-2008 7:20pm

At first i felt sorry for you, thought poor girl noone deserves to be treated like that at work. but i find some of the things you say a bit strange..

firstly, its the 2nd time its happened? are you possibly a bit oversensitive to what people say? do you take criticism badly?

i am very soft. perhaps i need to be tougher.

that kinda makes me think you might.

i was fit to cry on friday, but i smiled and apologised for this mistake

well done, i can appreciate how hard it is not to cry sometimes. but youre contradicting yourself a bit, youre soft, youre tough...?

what ive found previously is that if you make a manager look stupid
they will sit on it, and get you back
..
theres no way im starting a war i cant finish

why/how would you be making your manager look stupid? & why does it have to be a war?

but this guy has never been on my side.

i think it is personal. and that he just doubts my ability, despite my great results

i think i just dont lick his a&ss or bat my eyelashes at him enough.
or bow down prostrate before his greatness. or something.

ill take his comments on board to the next job. he cant explain ****.
hes about as clear as a glass of bogwater. yes, he is very good at his
job, but he cant be clear in what he wants done.

im not ready to be mature about this yet.

to be honest your attitude here seems very childish. why should he be on your side? he's your boss, youre there to do work for him. if its not up to standard he has the right to call you on it.
i understand that you think he picks on you too much, but the thing about him being on your side made me wonder why you think he should be.

you thinking its personal makes you sound paranoid.

& not being ready to be mature about it? childishness again.

estar · 19-01-2008 8:17pm

acriticism of your work is personal, as you personally do it

i understand that he is my boss and is demanding a standard but if you
read what i wrote - he isnt as hard on others that made similar mistakes.

im just venting, i obviously dont react to any of it in any other way than apologizing. but i do feel he is being petty. he doesnt react in the same way to others and thats what really annoys me. that is personal

ive been on the receiving end of being treated like this before which does
make me paranoid. someone shouting, being over critical or taking their moods out on people. and some people never are treated like this. im quite soft and always question myself. at the end of the day the mistake i made ws way out of proportion to his reaction.

it does make you think why me? why are some people criticised while others arent. and some people are way more political than me.

anyway ive had time to think about it more, and calm down.

what is going to make me move on, when it suits me, is getting different work experience in a related area. screw him. hes just one man.

the war comment - if you start bringing HR policies into things - that would case a war. i have to try and get him on side - or at least to be fair
to me, thats all i ask.

anyway thats all folks. im not strange at all. i dont feel my comments are either. and i dont really want sympathy - thanks tho- was just looking for different views.

bottle of smoke - i liked your comment - i might try that approach in a quiet way.

Lemming · 19-01-2008 8:34pm

estar wrote: »

acriticism of your work is personal, as you personally do it

Ehh ...... wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy wide of the mark on that one. A criticism of your work is not personal in itself. A criticism of your general person is personal.

Unless your manager genuinely doesn't like you for irrational reasons and is trying to get at you through your work, then criticism of your work is most likely not personal.

TBH, that incredibly singular view makes me wonder just how mature and professionally you carry yourself in your work, and whether or not the problem might be in part to do with yourself and not all to do with your manager.

estar · 19-01-2008 8:52pm

Lemming wrote: »

Ehh ...... wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy wide of the mark on that one. A criticism of your work is not personal in itself. A criticism of your general person is personal.

Unless your manager genuinely doesn't like you for irrational reasons and is trying to get at you through your work, then criticism of your work is most likely not personal.

TBH, that incredibly singular view makes me wonder just how mature and professionally you carry yourself in your work, and whether or not the problem might be in part to do with yourself and not all to do with your manager.

i am professional and mature, thanks. i might come onto boards and vent
but five minutes after his little attack i was back speaking to him about
another matter. thats professional and mature. ok? i might have felt like reacting but i didnt. guess thats mature and professional. i never let my
feelings show. again, guess what mature and professional. i cant stop feeling however, given that im a human being.

thanks lemming. i was waiting for a reply like yours. you are so cheering and supportive. wow. anyway, thanks for all those positive and constructive replies that actually offered an insight or a solution rather than a negative comment.

i wont be adding further comments.

Talliesin · 20-01-2008 1:57am

estar wrote: »

i am professional and mature, thanks. i might come onto boards and vent
but five minutes after his little attack i was back speaking to him about
another matter. thats professional and mature. ok?

No it's not.

If you have a problem in your profession, the professional thing to do is to deal with it so that you don't have that problem any more.

Now, I'm not implying that this is easy - it's not - but in labelling this "professional and mature" you are taking a weakness of yours and propagandising it to yourself as a strength.

If you acknowledge a weakness then you can either try to overcome it or else just accept that we all have weaknesses and that that one is one of yours, but if you pretend a weakness is a strength then you'll find yourself asking "why does this keep happening to me?" about something bad that keeps happening.

WindSock · 20-01-2008 4:04am

estar wrote: »

thanks lemming. i was waiting for a reply like yours. you are so cheering and supportive. wow. anyway, thanks for all those positive and constructive replies that actually offered an insight or a solution rather than a negative comment.

Well you have just demonstated right there that you cant take any form of criticism, so it makes me wonder if you are seeing your boss to be just singling you out and picking on you in particular because you are very sensitive?

the_syco · 20-01-2008 4:36am

estar wrote: »

i never answer him back or disagree with him, i usually just apologise
and try harder.

its like i can nver win.

You can never win, as you always accept defeat.

Are the mistakes you make your fault, or his fault. If it's your fault, it's his job to correct you, as to leave it unchecked wouldn't be fulfilling his role. If it's his fault, disagree, and make a stand.

You mention when another girl does something similar, and not getting any grief. You make it sound like you continually make mistakes, to which he points out, but does the other girl make as many mistakes? If she only makes the odd one, he may not say anything to her, as it's only "the odd" one, and not "todays one". You don't give much information on the regularity of your mistakes, so I have to ask if the above is true or not.

estar wrote: »

i wont be adding further comments.

You can never win, as you always accept defeat.

Miss Fluff · 20-01-2008 6:34am

estar wrote: »

ill take his comments on board to the next job. he cant explain ****.
hes about as clear as a glass of bogwater. yes, he is very good at his
job, but he cant be clear in what he wants done.

So you'll admit defeat this easily OP? Come now! Do the adult thing and go and talk to him. Tell him that there seems to be a misunderstanding, that you are fully committed to the job and if there are aspects of your job your find difficult to grasp or his instructions are unclear can you come and talk to him about it? Simple as. I think you'd be foolish to go for a lower-level role because you won't face up to the issues you are having now.

lolli · 20-01-2008 10:15pm

Ever hear of constructive criticism? Perhaps your boss just expects more of you than the other girl in office. He might see you as having more potential.

Firetrap · 20-01-2008 10:40pm

Frankly, you're going to have to develop more of a backbone or a tougher exterior. I'm not saying this to be hurtful or anything btw. There are people who are very good at zooming in on others who they perceive to be weaker than they are and chip away at them. This seems to be a problem for you and could well continue to be a problem. There's no guarantee that if you go for a junior position in another place that this won't happen again.

You now have two choices - to be proactive and change things or give up and get an inferior job and hope that you work with less robust people.

I assume that now that you've developed a complex about your boss, that you're making mistakes you wouldn't normally make. Do you have time in your job to check back on what you've done and correct any mistakes before they're spotted?

Nobody likes to be criticized in their work but it happens. I've occasionally stuffed things up in work. All that you can do in a situation like that is to put your hands up, admit you're in the wrong, then take steps to either undo the errors or to ensure that they don't happen again. Simple.

You need to develop a better communication with your boss. If you've got a problem understanding what he's looking for, come straight out and say it. It's better to be direct than to slink away or to pretend you understand. If you've got a problem with your work, tell him. Even though he's your boss, you should be able to communicate with him on a human level.

AARRRGH · 20-01-2008 11:41pm

If it's just happening to you, and it has happened in other jobs, then the problem is you.

It sounds like -

1. You are overly sensitive
2. You frequently make mistakes

If you can sort out 1 and 2 above, this problem of yours might go away.

estar · 21-01-2008 11:31pm

i dont mind criticism as long as it is justified and proportionate. i dont accept criticism derived from assumptions about me. i actually dont make many mistakes. and when someone is really cold and critical i seem to make far more. i dont make any for my other boss, who is sound.

i am not childish and dont sulk or hold grudges.

in fact after asking people i have worked with who know me, i am probably just way too easy to make a target as i always am hard on myself, and used to react. i dont react any more.

sometimes people get treated a certain way because they will put up with it also. its hard to make a stand without being seen as difficult and cheeky.
its hard to get that balance of assertion and manners correct. i am trying but err on the side of saying nothing.

i have increased my communication with him so that he sees what way i am going with things before i make assumptions that arent correct. hes quite intimidating as he knows so much more than me. i told him this, and he seems to be thawing. he is still a difficult man, then again his boss is also very tough.

everyone everywhere even the brainiest of the brainy organised people makes mistakes the odd time. i have asked many people. when you are learning you will make mistakes. he couldnt possibly question my commitment.
i stay whatever hours im needed.

actually the person who gave me the advice that the situation could be the making of me, really that advice was the most positive and constructive.

thanks again for all the constructive advice. i said i would reply as people had tried to give positive answers.

Jack B. Badd · 21-01-2008 11:40pm

estar wrote: »

i dont mind criticism as long as it is justified and proportionate. i dont accept criticism derived from assumptions about me.

Given that you've said since the first post here that you haven't discussed his criticism of you with him, haven't challenged him over it even though you think he's wrong, haven't done anything except apologise when he criticises you, it appears (at least from his POV) that you are accepting it. The situation won't change unless you do something about it. Whining to people on the internet who are not directly involved does not count as doing something about it...

Talliesin · 21-01-2008 11:55pm

estar wrote: »

actually the person who gave me the advice that the situation could be the making of me, really that advice was the most positive and constructive.

What was constructive about it?

estar · 22-01-2008 12:17am

he criticised me, and if the result is that i learn then that is
a good result.

also it didnt focus on whether the problem was me but rather gave someone elses perspective on the issue who had actually experienced the same thing first hand - and what they had gotten from taking the criticism on board, whether fair or unfair and improving as a result.

i know that complaining to him directly wont work. he would see that as whining and making excuses. this man thinks he is always right and he
has 30 years at the top to prove it. so even if i did prove him wrong
or was right hes the type of person that would be out to get me after that.
you cant use someone elses mistake to show why you should be allowed make a mistake. that looks petty and i would look like im trying to deflect attention onto the other girl who is pretty sound.

i dont know why i have such an emotional reaction to criticism.
i dont show it in work, but sometimes i get so infuriated if i feel someone is being unfair , i cant
think straight for about 24 hours. some people couldnt give a Sh*t if someone criticises them, ie my boyfriend. i wish i was like that.

perhaps i need to do more yoga !!!!!

anyway ive taken up more than enough boards time on this.

ill just be more careful and make him explain things more.

Boss just doesn't like me

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