What would you do in this situation?

Original_Sin · 18-01-2008 3:25am #1

Heres the background to it-

Last year when i was living in Scotland i started seeing a girl, we spent a good 2months constantly flirting with each other and things were really good between us, basically there was a definate 'spark' there! Since were were properly into each other we ended up getting together!

Next part is one of my mates had already told me he was interested in her, but she had told me, on the quiet that she was in no way interested in him, she had said that he was too sleazy for her, for as long as ive known him he has always been like that, anyhoo's, me an her were together regardless of what he thought an life for me(i had been in a depressive mess for the past few months due to loosing a mate to suicide and 3 other mates to a crash plus it was the anniversary of 3 of my cuz's drowning in a trawler sinking) was deffo on the up!!!! Plus we never tried to hide it from him that we were together, it would only of made matters worse!!

So, we were together, my life was finally starting to go the way i wanted it to, we spent all of one day txting an telling the other how much we missed them(we were worse than school kids but it was fun) an how we should meet up later that night, it was decided tho that because i was working a long shift in the morning an she was working till late we would just give it a miss till the following day due to us probs being tired! Turned out tho that she got finished early so txted me to say she would come into town an visit me(i missed said txts because i was sleeping), she came into town anyway on the off chance that i might wake up an get the txts she sent, i didnt, i woke up next morning than went to work, it was there that somone asked me if i'd heard anything about a crash the previous night!

Because of some of the details about the crash i found myself phoning my gf to make sure it wasnt her, only to find out it was her, her car left the road on her return trip home, collided with a tree and caused her injuries so bad, she died on the road side!!

Because of that my depression hit me so hard i took countless overdoses and dropped to the lowest my life has ever been, i spent months blaming myself for her death and its only recently ive been able to tell myself that what happened that night happened for a reason!

The question im asking about tho is what should i do about the mate who liked her, he has since told me, not directly tho, that it is due to me that she is dead, he's told other mutual friends that if i had stayed away from her then she would still be here today! It will soon be the anniversary(21 jan) of her death and already i am in a mess, ive spent the last year grieving for her and i think about her everyday,

What should i do because if im close to having another breakdown!

wylo · 18-01-2008 3:34am

Ok im in no situation to be giving advice regarding something like this,but i do gotta say firstly, my genuine sympathies go out to you, I havent heard of someone to have come across such bad luck in my life.
But that leads me to the second point, that incident was bad luck, and frankly your 'mate' seems almost sick and twisted. I presume you know this yourself that it obviously wasnt your fault! Other people here will be better at explaining that to you though.

randylonghorn · 18-01-2008 3:38am

Original_Sin wrote: »

The question im asking about tho is what should i do about the mate who liked her, he has since told me, not directly tho, that it is due to me that she is dead, he's told other mutual friends that if i had stayed away from her then she would still be here today!

You are responsible for her death because you were asleep, didn't hear a text come in, and she crashed on the way home?

Complete and utter bollix!!

Don't listen to that kind of crap, don't allow yourself to even consider it.

You're not responsible for her death, but no, I wouldn't say it "happened for a reason" either ... the reality is that this is the type of horrible shit that life throws at us sometimes for no reason at all. There's no point searching for a meaning behind it that will make sense of it ... there is no meaning and no sense.

1stimpressions · 18-01-2008 3:41am

I agree. I think youve had an extremely harsh time of it.
I would say to ignore anyone whos tells you its your fault when an ACCIDENT happens. I dont know how close you are with your friend but what he said was horrific and you should stay clear of such bull****. Ive no real expertease or advice to give you that others can do better but i think you should try to focus on what is good in your life, family etc. you should share a problem and it always becomes easier.

Original_Sin · 18-01-2008 3:49am

Ive since cut off contact with that mate because i really don't need someone like him around me this close to the anniversary or Rebecca's death, i had finally got myself past thinking that her crash was down to me not being around to get her txts but now its in my thoughts again!

Even her parents, who i only met following her crash, have told me not to blame myself, they have told me that since getting to know me properly they could see that i was the best thing that ever happened to her

Its still difficult tho!

1stimpressions · 18-01-2008 3:55am

it sound like such such cliched **** but you have to try and stay positive. everyone grieves in their own way. you got to think of what she might tell you to do. im sure she would want you to rremember her but also to live your life "to the full" to use another shocking cliche. A year is a painful milestone but you must release yourself from whats keeping you down. i know its not easy. be strong and best of luck

bronte · 18-01-2008 4:01am

Op I am so sorry for your losses.
This is NOT your fault.
Please PLEASE do not blame yourself.
Be strong, seek help if you can.
This friend was wrong to say that to you.

My thoughts are with you.

b3t4 · 18-01-2008 4:07am

First things first, you have nothing, and I mean nothing, to blame yourself for. It was an accident. Nobody will listen to a word that yoke is saying. Nobody will agree with him. I have no idea what is going on in that young man's life but be assured that what he is saying has nothing to do with you.

OP, my deepest sympathies go out to you. That is some awful stuff you have gone through.

Have you been to a counsellor at all? If you haven't then I urge you to do so as soon as possible. You do not under any circumstances have to go through this grieve on your own.

I just found this website the following at http://www.rip.ie/menu.asp?menu=306. Maybe you could even email them or give them a ring

Bereavement Counselling Service (Greater Dublin area, Bray, Carlow, Newbridge),
Dublin Street, Baldoyle,
Tel: (01) 839 1766
E-mail: bereavement@eircom.net

A.

Original_Sin · 18-01-2008 4:41am

I've never been the type to go for councilling because i have one very close true mate, she's not my best mate but she is the mate i would always choose first did i ever need to speak to anyone, suppose she is like my very own personal counciller tho!

I think also that just going through the past year was always going to be hard, because the event was still very much in my mind i couldnt let go properly, so i think this year will be all about moving on, i'll never forget her but i can't go on thinking the way i do!

Think a call to my personal counciller is on the cards, or failing that a big long walk to clear my head

Beruthiel · 18-01-2008 8:58am

Original_Sin wrote: »

Think a call to my personal counciller is on the cards

Make sure you do that now, you need help as the 21st of Jan draws near, a professional will help you get through it.
Something like this is difficult to move on from, a professional will help you at least deal with how to live with it.

Remind yourself that you made her life as happy as she could have wanted it to be.
You have no control on how life turns and that bloke telling you otherwise is an idiot. He wanted to get a dig at you in the worst possible way because you won her heart and not him.
My heart goes out to you.
Take care of yourself.

gandalf · 18-01-2008 10:29am

Sorry to hear about your loss mate. You are in no way responsible for the accident (thats what it was). These things happen. Your friend is thinking emotionally and wants to blame someone. If he was a proper friend how would realise that he was being extremely unfair and apologise.

I agree with whats been said above, talk to a professional to help you through this.

evry1sm8 · 18-01-2008 10:58am

I honestly cannot believe you have lost so many people...:( My deepest sympathies go out to you

SarahSassy · 18-01-2008 6:27pm

You did NOTHING wrong. It was an accident....

I dont know what to say to you except believe the 2 lines above. I strongly believe that when your time is you then your time is up.... My heart goes out to you and I hope you get some peace in your heart soon.

annemarie13 · 22-01-2008 12:36pm

aww it wasnt your fault at all.xxxxxxxxxx

Loopy · 22-01-2008 1:04pm

How you have gone through all this is beyond me. As everyone has said above in no way was this your fault. Stay away from that so called 'friend'.. He's bad news.

Definitely talk to your other friend if you wont see a counsellor and do it soon. If grieve isn't dealt with properly it can be detramental.

I wish you all the luck in the world and offload to anyone who will listen...

Original_Sin · 22-01-2008 2:30pm

I spoke with my other mate back in scotland on saturday so managed to clear my head a bit.

She told me that the guy who had had a go at me an blamed me had been in contact with her an asked to pass an apology onto me because he figured i would just blank any calls or txts from him, As much as i would of liked to accept his apology i found it too small a gesture and too late, ive known him for around 15years and he had always told me he viewed me as being his best mate! Him saying what he did has totally changed me yet again, my personality and character has changed too many times in the past 14months and the main reason i moved back to Dublin was to try regain stability in my life!

I sent him an email yesterday basically saying that altho i don't regret ever knowing him i would appreciate it if he never tried to make contact with me again and as far as im concerned, he is just another random face in the street, ive not had a reply off him yet so i'm hoping he has understood me!

What would you do in this situation?

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