Do I listen to my head or my heart?

LegacyUser · 14-01-2008 5:51am #1

Hi guys its 4.30 in the morning and i'm so depressed. I'm a guy, mid-twenties and have been going out with my girlfriend for the past 7 months. Its been an amazing relationship, the best either of us has had but we have a problem.. she's going travelling around asia next summer for 6 months with her best (girl) friend.

I knew about this when we first got together and never had a problem about it, i was genuinely happy for her. I knew it would be hard when the time came to part but i didn't think about it much either and just lived life pretty much in the moment. I'd love to join her but just started a new job last week, a dream job i guess so its pretty much out of the question.

The thing is though, she doesn't think she can handle being a couple and not seeing eachother for so long. As it is we only get to see eachother at the weekends as we live on either side of the country. The distance thing sucks in general but i don't find it too hard either as we both work long hours monday to friday anyway. But again she's not so good with it and fears it'll get worse as we won't get to see much of eachother over the next few months due to evening courses and other commitments.

I guess i've been quite naive up til now. I always thought she's go, we'd still be together and she'd come back and everything would be the same if not better. I'm just like that in relationships, my heart dominates and my head doesn't get a word in. She's the opposite though. She's scared of how hard it will be for us and thinks that we could both change so much over those 6 months (which isn't that long a time to me). She's been hurt badly before and has alot of barriers up because of it but i can't help thinking that she's doing more harm than good by being so clinical about where our relationship is headed. She thinks we only really have two choices... break up now or break up in the summer

I'm so so upset about this. We have such amazing times together that it would kill me to choose to stop seeing her now or then when we still love eachother, it just doesn't make sense to me at all.. God you'd swear love was easy to find!

So guys i'm looking for some advice.. what should we do? I guess if we really are meant to be then we'll get together again when she comes back to ireland and if not then it just wasn't meant to be at all. But i can't help feeling like we didn't have a proper chance togther either and thats really hard to accept. I just don't know what to do. I want to keep seeing her but i think she believes that if we broke up now it might be easier when the summer comes around and we'd still remain bet of friends.

I can't imagine there's many people still reading this but if you are i'd love some help, thanks

Cathmandooo · 14-01-2008 10:44am

IMO you should break up for several reasons, apologies if they sound harsh:

1. She'll be able to enjoy herself better without having to contact you everyday and crying over the phone saying how much she's missing you.

2. You wont be sitting at home worried that she's having too good a time and meeting up with other (male) travellers.

3. You wont feel guilty and tied if you meet someone else while she's away (it could easily happen). Same for her.

4. If you love someone, you let them go do their thing or they might resent you for holding them back.

If it were me I'd wait til they're leaving to break up, you might get back together the minute she gets back, if that's what you both want. Who knows what'll happen, maybe you'll even go off her before she heads off! Play it cool anyway and give her her freedom.

Kuz_3040 · 14-01-2008 12:47pm

You have to let this girl go because if you dont it will be a mistake you will both regret. Go on the old saying

"if you love someone let them go if they come back to they are yours if they dont they never were"

The break from each other will be healthy and as long as you stay friends then there is no reason why when she comes back that she wont come back to you.

Mr. Incognito · 14-01-2008 12:58pm

"If you love someone set them free, if they come back they're yours if not it was never meant to be"

microgirl · 14-01-2008 1:05pm

Ideally you want 50/50 head and heart, rather than 100% one or the other. I agree she's being too clinical (I know because I do the same

) but I also think you're being too blindly optimistic. I guess I largely agree with the others - let her go. It doesn't have to be forever, but also don't hold on expecting that it's "only a break".

The difficulty is what you've pointed out - break up now or break up come summer. Obviously, if you're both getting on well and crazy about each other, then breaking up now seems like a daft option. If you can both acknowledge and accept that this is finite, enjoy it while it lasts, nearly a "no-strings" kind of thing for the next few months, knowing and accepting that come her departure that'll be it, then enjoy the remaining few months, and look forward to hearing about her adventures

If the next few months will mostly be filled with sorrow and pain and resentment and false hope that it's all going to end come her departure, then painful as it is I think break up now.

Gyalist · 14-01-2008 1:37pm

OP, why isn't she worried about what you'll be getting up to while she's away?

PauloMN · 14-01-2008 3:03pm

She wants out by the sounds of it. I'd guess she want to be able to have as much "fun" as her mate when she's away.

I'd be saying my goodbyes right about now TBH.

moco · 14-01-2008 3:30pm

PauloMN wrote: »

She wants out by the sounds of it. I'd guess she want to be able to have as much "fun" as her mate when she's away.

I'd be saying my goodbyes right about now TBH.

I agree.

You don't have much choice in this situation anyway, she wants to break up with you either way. I think if she really loved you she wouldn't consider breaking up.

jdivision · 14-01-2008 3:45pm

I wouldn't break up with her yet, you enjoy being with her too much. Enjoy being with her until she goes but after then break up in the belief ye'll get back together. I've done the crying down the phone thing, how much she misses me etc. Then because you're stuck doing what you do and they're doing different things every day you start to have less in common (temporarily hopefully). Much better to let it go for a few months and then get back together (or at least hope to)

Overheal · 14-01-2008 4:09pm

I would let it happen myself. From experience its no fun waiting around for the phone to ring. Theres nothing stopping you both from getting back together after 6 months but you cant spend 6 months thinking about her - it'll tear you up.

EDIT: I also think its a little unreasonable to make her feel like she has a 6,000 mile chain attatched to her foot.

DiscoHugh · 14-01-2008 5:31pm

I was in the exact same situation this time last year (only it was me going away)

My gf wanted to keep things going but that was out of the question as far as I was concerned.

One of the big allures of travelling is being completely free of responsiblity. If you have a gf/bf back home to check in with it you re not.

We kept seeing each other right until I left. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Id probably be getting back with her when I get home but she s moving back to Australia before I arrive. Oh well, such is life.

My advice may as well enjoy the time you have left with her and then do your own thing.

LegacyUser · 14-01-2008 7:59pm

Wow thanks for all the replies

Like many of you have said, if you love her.. set her free. And i totally agree with this. I've no problem with her going, i never had and don't want her to feel tied down, she should be off enjoying herself.

But at the same time my heart asks the question, would i want to break up if i was in her shoes and i really don't know, i sometimes doubt it. Then that starts the cogs in my head going crazy thinking she probably doesn't love me at all.

Well look I just don't know whats going to happen but i'll be seeing her this weekend and depending on how we fare I'm going to take the bull by the horns and end it myself or suggest the no strings attached thing for the next few months.

I think the latter of those two options could be good for us and let us relax into friend mode gradually but still leave the future open to possibility. Breaking up now i think could be pretty traumatic and i really don't want to be heartbroken, i'm not so good at handling it and i don't want to miss out on more good times either.

I wish she wasn't so headstrong about this whole thing. But then again she thinks i'm being too nonchalant about it. All i know is that we're a fantastic couple and i want to give us the best chance of getting back together next year. But as the man says, if its not meant to be then thats the way its gotta be and i've no problem accepting that. I guess its a test for us and if we pass it then great, if not then its a blessing in disguise.

Thanks everyone, feeling much more positive now, i'll keep ye updated on this weekends progress

Cathmandooo · 14-01-2008 10:44pm

I'm glad you're feeling much better.

I'd advise against 'no strings attached' thing. It's the exact same thing as splitting up. Neither of you can guarantee that you'll both feel the same when the 6 months are up, using that phrase just causes confusion and possibly a lot of heartahce. Make a clean break. Do keep in touch every so often if you want to.

I dont think her going is a sign that she doesnt love you. She just needs to do her own thing and I'd say she probably started planning this trip before you two started going out. She's right to keep to her plan, it's a chance of a lifetime for her.

Let her go, in every way.

LegacyUser · 14-01-2008 10:52pm

Thanks Cathoo i'll take that on board. Your actually probably right, i don't even know how the no strings attached thing would work cross country, i doubt it would actually.

Its just weird and crappy having to end something that u know is good but just can't work for other reasons. And i'll still love her, oh its just so difficult.

Oh god it's not gonna be easy but i think theres a strong chance of me ending it this weekend. Not looking forward to it at all

thegoose · 14-01-2008 11:22pm

If she loved you truely, there would be no question about breaking up, she would want to see it through the distance... gotta let her go unfortunately

LegacyUser · 21-01-2008 7:01pm

Hi people its update o'clock

So we're still together. But thats all gonna change tonight. I'm breaking up with her. It may be pathetic but i just made a list of pros and cons about our relationship... the pro's section had 5 hits, the con's had 25 though so this has just got to stop ASAP.

I'm not feeling so sad now at all but i may again in the weeks or months to come. Perhaps its because i'm the breaker upper. Part of me really longs for the relationship we had but a few months ago but she's made it pretty clear that he have no future together, heck we barely have a present together.

I can't help but get the feeling either that she's acting like a b*tch now so I have to do her dirty work. I just can't believe its come to this... not us.... but this is the way its gotta be

Cathmandooo · 22-01-2008 11:51am

unreg4am wrote: »

Hi people its update o'clock

So we're still together. But thats all gonna change tonight. I'm breaking up with her. It may be pathetic but i just made a list of pros and cons about our relationship... the pro's section had 5 hits, the con's had 25 though so this has just got to stop ASAP.

I'm not feeling so sad now at all but i may again in the weeks or months to come. Perhaps its because i'm the breaker upper. Part of me really longs for the relationship we had but a few months ago but she's made it pretty clear that he have no future together, heck we barely have a present together.

I can't help but get the feeling either that she's acting like a b*tch now so I have to do her dirty work. I just can't believe its come to this... not us.... but this is the way its gotta be

best of luck with it, it'll hurt less over time.

Overheal · 22-01-2008 5:36pm

On the bright side OP: 6 months can do amazing things to anyone. People change; get stronger; become new beings entirely.

Its possible after 6 months you two might start an entirely new relationship.

You have totally made the right choice here. Go play outside.

Wibbs · 22-01-2008 7:08pm

Good move. Dragging it on in a casual way will not work, just have you looking at the clock until she's gone. The list while sounding clinical was what you needed to get this stuff together in your head. If you truly found that many cons, better now than later too. If they were situational, circumstantial cons, IE distance rather than emotional cons, then that can always be worked on. If there were basic emotional personal issues they usually don't go away.

As for one partner traveling? I know one couple where she went off for a year to OZ and they stayed together as a couple. both had some temptation while apart but stuck with it. They're still together so it can work, but I would say that level of commitment/love is rare enough.

LegacyUser · 22-01-2008 7:58pm

Well its over now... pretty much. We've broken up in a really mutual manner but also found out when talking to eachother that our biggest problem is the distance between us now and the fact she's going travelling in a few months. We're both really keen on staying great friends and with added no strings attached benefits if you know what I mean

It was so so hard for us to call it a day but we both have found alot of comfort knowing that we're still there for eachother as friends and she's keen on seeing alot more of me which is great to be honest. Even this weekend she wants me to spend some time at her parents house, which is nice.

As you say Wibbs, alot of our problems are situational so there's still hope for us when she returns and if not then so be it, we're not putting any pressure on ourselves at all. All i know is that for now we can go back to being friends without having to worry about maintaining our romance so i think we're in store for lots more fun adventures yet.

I'm actually suprised how well i'm handling this, i guess its because i know shes still a part of my life and i'm not going to lose her completely. I probably went overboard calling her a bitch, she can just be cold sometimes without realising it and it hurts her as much as it hurts me, in fact she was really cool about the whole breakup thing and dealt with it in a really compassionate way.

All in all, despite the breakup things are looking up for us and sure there may be some hurt to go through yet but i'm much happier to have her as a great friend than a bad girlfriend

thanks everybody for your kind help

Do I listen to my head or my heart?

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