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Are you my Daddy

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  • 19-04-2015 2:10am
    #1
    Gomer Pyle
    Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭


    Been seeing this girl for about eleven months, she has a daughter just turned seven. Three weeks ago the daughter asked me if I was her Daddy. Explained to her I wasnt, but I loved her just as much.

    She has since asked me questions about her father. I know her father and the whole relationship between him and her mother, it's wasn't a bad situation just didn't work out.

    Do I be fully open and frank with the daughter or refer her back to her morher??
    (I'd never lie to her or confirm a mistruth)


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    #2
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Gomer Pyle wrote: »
    Do I be fully open and frank with the daughter or refer her back to her morher??
    (I'd never lie to her or confirm a mistruth)

    It sounds very much like a conversation you should be having with the child's mother surely? It's solely up to her how she wants to handle such questions...


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    #3
    StripedBoxers
    Registered Users Posts: 5,112 ✭✭✭StripedBoxers


    I agree with Mike. These are questions that the child's mother should be answering, not you, unless she has asked you answer for her.


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    #4
    Gomer Pyle
    Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭Gomer Pyle


    Thanks for the replays. Admittedly that's what I have been (subtly??) doing.

    I'm pretty sure her mother is not going to answer any of her questions any time soon, (completely wrong from personal experience) but don't feel I'm in a position to do/say otherwise.


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    #5
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Gomer Pyle wrote: »
    Thanks for the replays. Admittedly that's what I have been (subtly??) doing.

    I'm not seeing the need for subtlety here, to be honest. Why not tell her what you have posted here - that her daughter has been asking about her daddy and if you are him, and that you have no idea how to answer those questions. And what would she like you to say, if anything?


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    #6
    Gomer Pyle
    Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭Gomer Pyle


    mike_ie wrote: »
    I'm not seeing the need fro subtlety here, to be honest. Why not tell her what you have posted here - that her daughter has been asking about her daddy and if you are him, and that you have no idea how to answer those questions. And what would she like you to say, if anything?
    Subtlety I mean the daughter, I'm not going shoot down her questions just because I don't know how to answers


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    #7
    StripedBoxers
    Registered Users Posts: 5,112 ✭✭✭StripedBoxers


    Do you mean you've been answering the child's questions unknown to her mother? If I am reading and understanding that correctly then you have/are way, way overstepping the mark, and to be honest, if I was your girlfriend I would consider ending the relationship.

    Do you know your girlfriends reasoning for not answering her daughters questions honestly or at all?

    You really, really need to speak to your girlfriend ASAP and tell her everything. You have overstepped the mark big time so its quite possible she could go mad at you, and honestly, I really can't blame her. Its not your decision what her daughters knows or should know, or when she should know, its your girlfriends decision.
    Gomer Pyle wrote: »
    Subtlety I mean the daughter, I'm not going shoot down her questions just because I don't know how to answers
    Don't shoot her down - tell her to ask her mother.

    Honestly your attitude of "she should know, her mother probably won't tell her so I will" is appalling. You have absolutely zero right whatsoever to answer such questions unless your girlfriend has asked you to answer, its is up to your girlfriend to answer her questions and talk to her, not you.


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    #8
    Gomer Pyle
    Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭Gomer Pyle


    StripedBoxers wrote: »
    Do you mean you've been answering the child's questions unknown to her mother? If I am reading and understanding that correctly then you have/are way, way overstepping the mark, and to be honest, if I was your girlfriend I would consider ending the relationship.

    Do you know your girlfriends reasoning for not answering her daughters questions honestly or at all?

    You really, really need to speak to your girlfriend ASAP and tell her everything. You have overstepped the mark big time so its quite possible she could go mad at you, and honestly, I really can't blame her. Its not your decision what her daughters knows or should know, or when she should know, its your girlfriends decision.

    Don't shoot her down - tell her to ask her mother.

    Honestly your attitude of "she should know, her mother probably won't tell her so I will" is appalling. You have absolutely zero right whatsoever to answer such questions unless your girlfriend has asked you to answer, its is up to your girlfriend to answer her questions and talk to her, not you.
    Well that has pretty much answered my question right there.
    Yes I do believe she has the right to know, but feel its not my place to say any thing. I respect her mothers attitude, although i don't agree with it.

    Edit: All I have directly said is I'm not her father, I don't see that as crossing any line. Anything else has been directed towards her mother. I have told her mother what is happening, but have been told its none of my business


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    #9
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    I think it's great you are trying to answer her questions. She may not feel she can ask her mother so is asking you.

    Thing is you are kind of her dad, or the closest thing she has to one. You are not her father, but you are her dad in the sense you love and care for her. And for her mother, which all too often determines how a man loves a child, from his seed or not.

    I don't think these questions are the exclusive reserve of the mother. Of course one would ask their step dad. Three is the beginning of the Oedipal age, she needs answers.

    There are millions of good men raising other mans kids, time we acknowledged that. I think you are brave and good to try to answer her.


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    #10
    bjork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,554 ✭✭✭bjork


    Gomer Pyle wrote: »
    ............ but have been told its none of my business

    Not a good enough answer tbh. If the child is going to approach you with these questions, yourself and the mother need to come up with whatever strategy it is to deal with this.


    Although you are "acting parent", you are not the parent, but it's still your business


    Unless that's the answer the mother would like you to give the child when she asks?

    "Are you my Daddy?"
    >It's none of your business?


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    #11
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    What sort of relationship have you with her mother? 11 months is a relatively short time. Are you living together? Have you much interaction with the child? How do you feel about your gf telling you "it's none of your business"? I think if she has introduced you to her child and if she has you acting in a father's role, then it very much is your business.

    I do agree that it is not your place to give answers that the mother doesn't want given. But I think your gf is being very foolish by completely dismissing her daughter's questions. She is at an age now where she is a bit more conscious of her friends and their families. And she is noticing hers is a bit different. The thing about children is they are usually happy with an answer once they are given one. It is ignoring it and refusing to answer that builds the mystery, and possibly upset.

    There are some things children don't need to be told, but where possible every question should be answered, as truthfully as possible and age appropriately. You can answer questions about how you feel about her, but you should let her mam answer questions about her dad.

    If her mam won't answer those questions then I'm afraid there's not a lot you can do.. At least until she's a good bit older, anyway.


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    #12
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Just want to add that 11 months is a relatively short time to have a relationship with the mother but in the child's perspective, you have filled the bulk of her memory bank and you have been in her life for 1/3 of it, which is the third she can remember, so it may as well be for all of it.

    In child years you are in her life a long long long time.

    The other thing to keep in mind for both of you is that the possibility of a returning father has to be made space for, 7 is the most common age for them to try to re enter the child's life. The answer mustn't lead to more confusion in case this does happen up the road.


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    #13
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    bjork wrote: »
    Not a good enough answer tbh. If the child is going to approach you with these questions, yourself and the mother need to come up with whatever strategy it is to deal with this.


    Although you are "acting parent", you are not the parent, but it's still your business


    Unless that's the answer the mother would like you to give the child when she asks?

    "Are you my Daddy?"
    >It's none of your business?

    Exactly. The mother still needs to tell you how she wants you to deal with this situation when the child asks you these questions.


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    #14
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,562 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    StripedBoxers wrote: »

    Honestly your attitude of "she should know, her mother probably won't tell her so I will" is appalling. You have absolutely zero right whatsoever to answer such questions unless your girlfriend has asked you to answer, its is up to your girlfriend to answer her questions and talk to her, not you.

    Wow, I think this is all wrong.

    As far as I can see, the OP is willing to talk to the mother to find out how she wants to deal with the question when it arises, but when he asks what the mother wants him to say, he gets told that it's none of his business.

    Now, there might be nothing wrong with that, as in, the mother should be the one who decides what the daughter should be told, not the OP, but it's still not helping the OP when the daughter actually asks the question.


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    #15
    StripedBoxers
    Registered Users Posts: 5,112 ✭✭✭StripedBoxers


    My replies were posted before I'd read this reply by the OP.

    From the posts before that I interpreted from them that the OP was answering the daughters questions subtly without her mother knowing and was prepared to answer them regardless of what the mother said/wanted. My apologies for that.

    OP you need to speak to your girlfriend again because it is your business if her daughter is asking you questions which you are directing back to the mother and she is telling you to mind your own business, that's not on.

    If your partner expects you to take on the role as father to her daughter then you also need to work out what to say to her daughter and how best both of you can answer any questions she has. If you are expected to take on the fatherly role then it is very much your business.


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    #16
    Tigger99
    Registered Users Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    The answer your girlfriend has given you isn't good enough. But it's also quite dismissive and disrespectful. You've raised an issue, which you've dealt with as much as you can. But you quite rightly need help from her. Have you spoken to her about her response?


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    #17
    Sleepy
    Registered Users Posts: 24,158 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Think about this clearly OP. From what you're telling us, the relationship between your girlfriend and the child's father "wasn't a bad situation just didn't work out".

    In your shoes, I'd want to know what happened that's lead to the daughter not knowing who her daddy is before I'd consider continuning the relationship. Did her father do a runner or did your girlfriend decide that she didn't want him in her life?


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You are a wonderful man.
    I firmly believe that your girlfriend should tell her child who her father is. Every child needs to know, and for it to be explained simply to them, it's respect for the child. But I m concerned about your gf's lack of respect to you when you approach the issue, and this would be a red flag to me. You really deserve more than the it's none of your business line. It is your business. In my opinion you are not respected enough in this scenario. You need to discuss this thoroughly with your girlfriend, as it is obvious that the child sees you as her father figure.


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