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Sex drive has disappeared

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  • 15-04-2015 11:16am
    #1
    Vickysg24
    Registered Users Posts: 128 ✭✭


    So since I gave birth to my daughter back in August my sex drive has completely died out. I know you will probably say this is quite common to happen after having a baby due to being tired, baby being in the same room etc. My daughter is a great sleeper, goes down at 7 and wakes up at 7 so i'm not tired or worried about disturbing her. I wasn't like this after having our son.
    now, I wouldn't get away with NOT having sex as my husband has a high sex drive but I just haven't wanted to. Without trying to sound stupid here... I don't even get a horny hangover anymore after a night out! Where we used to be at it like animals after a night out! I'm really hoping this will die out and I'll eventually get my mojo back! :( I'm not looking for any silly replies just looking for a suggestions really or advice from anyone else who has been in the same boat.
    TIA


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    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Vickysg24 wrote: »
    I wouldn't get away with NOT having sex as my husband has a high sex drive but I just haven't wanted to.

    Are you saying you've not had sex since your baby was born 8months ago?
    Or that you've had sex but haven't wanted to?
    Because if it's the second option, I'd have to ask do you still fancy your husband?

    I was married , stopped fancying him, zero interest in sex with him, yet I knew I still wanted the sexual side for me.Eventually separated.

    Is your husband happy for you both to be having sex although you don't want to, because that seems wrong to me.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi, It could be hormonal(just a guess)
    Are you taking the pill or have you tried a different type of contraception that may be upsetting your normal balance?
    Other factors could be your state of fitness/health? Are you happy with your body shape after the baby?
    As another poster said, could it be that you don't fancy your husband anymore?
    Is he pulling his weight with the baby chores etc. ? I'm sure sex is not great for him if he is the only one that wants it and its not fair on you to "put out" if its against your wishes.
    I'm sure that will lead to tension and resentment over time.
    Hope you can get to the bottom of this issue


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    #4
    Tigger99
    Registered Users Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    If you are saying you are only having sex because you feel pressure from your hubby then no wonder your sex drive didn't come back after a baby. It must be very uncomfortable and painful. Have you spoken to him about it?


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    #5
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Well I'ma guy and its obviously a different situation for yourself, but with my last gf there was no sex for the best part of a year because my sex drive evaporated because I was not happy. Fast forward to this year I am with a new gf of 5 months now and we are mad about eachother but we never have sex until last week, which apparently was bothering her but she said nothing of it and didn't want to make a first move. It was mostly because I just wasn't feeling in the zone for it after so long being without, I had essentially become accustomed to a state of sexlessness.

    What I'm trying to say is people can get into a rut of not having sex. It may be possible to get out of the habit of not having it and get into the habit of having it, after having it for a while you may find that your sex drive increases. Basically the best aphrodisiac is sex itself.
    Of course that all assumes there are no medical or hormonal issues.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP I'd rec reading Come as You Are by Dr. Nagoski. It's a great read that is based on research into the why and how sexuality works but written in layman's terms and a real eye opener on how your own desires work and those of your partner. It dismiss the whole notion of a sex drive as sex isn't a drive. We have a drive to reproduce yes, some more then others, but wanting to have sex for enjoyment isn't a drive and viewing it as such is what leads so many people to get hung up and mental block is what effects their desire. Seriously read the book.


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    #7
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Hi OP,

    I've been in the same boat, only I lost my sex drive after an abortion which had an impact on me. The part that stood out for me is were you say you won't get away with not having sex. That almost makes it sound like you commited a crime or something like that and will have to face the consequences. Are you worried that if you do not get your drive back soon enough that your husband will start complaining or pester you for sex? Because that is an added stress that certainly will not help.

    I eventually broke up with the man I was with at the time, because I simply did not know how long it would take to sort myself out and I didn't want the added burden of being responsible for his sexual needs while dealing with the aftermaths of my abortion. It took 1,5 year for it come back, after I slowly began to develop feeling for a collegue in my then new workplace. I firmly believe that if there's a mental block(tiredness, stress, trauma, unhappiness, insecurtiy) that this will block our sex drive and unless there's a clear medical cause this needs to be dealt with as it won't come back out of nowhere.

    I think you need an honest discussion with you husband about how you are truly feeling and then decide what needs to be done. Loss of sex can lead to major problems in a relationship when one does want it and the other one doesn't, so please talk to him.


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    #8
    highly1111
    Registered Users Posts: 967 ✭✭✭highly1111


    OP, when you have sex, is it good sex? I'm not going to lie, we've 3 young children and despite them been good sleepers my drive desperately dwindled for up to 18 months after the birth of our last child. However, we've been getting there a bit recently. But it does take effort. I think a huge part of it is habit. Sometimes I have to really make the effort when I don't particularly want to (or when I'd rather read a book!!) but once we get going - I really enjoy it and then the book becomes less and less appealing - the more we have, the more we have etc!! Now, we still don't have a lot of sex - but we're back up to about once a week. There's a lot of issues - I've put on a lot of weight (he doesn't care, I do!) and I also go to bed a lot earlier then him and I think I've lost a lot of confidence sexually - but its coming back. Its a slow climb but getting back on the horse. Its definitely a mind over matter thing imo.


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