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Always alone
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14-04-2015 1:19pm#1Can someone advise why if a guy likes me at the start and when I begin to show interest they always say they don't want a relationship or are not ready. I'm not lying but ALL past meetings with guys have ended this way for me. And so now it can't be the guys it HAS to be me.
I don't think I'm too needy or intense. I don't play games and if the guy texts me I text back, I don't wait etc. if I like the guy il usually put him as a priority. Is this the problem? Am I too willing to put him first and that's off putting? I'm 32 now and only had 2 serious relationships in the past. I see other girls and think they have no problem getting partners - I'm just unlovable 😞0
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How do you mean, you put him as a priority?
Maybe you dont realise it but even in this post you sound quite full on.0 -
power pants wrote: »How do you mean, you put him as a priority?
Maybe you dont realise it but even in this post you sound quite full on.
I put him as a priority as in il text him and want to be with him. Maybe I'm full on - how do you realise that from my post though?!!0 -
I think it was just the thought of putting someone new in your life as in just started dating, using the word "priority"
Maybe I have misread what you meant0 -
power pants wrote: »I think it was just the thought of putting someone new in your life as in just started dating, using the word "priority"
Maybe I have misread what you meant
Texting every day is too much for guys I'm guessing?0 -
Everyone is different. For me, yes it is.0
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Like you, I've always been reluctant to hold back, play games, leave long gaps before replying to texts etc, but there's a reason it's widely advised to "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen". It's a facet of human nature that withholding affection, approval, validation etc. drives people to work a bit harder to seek it. I'm not advising you to change, but maybe just think about holding back a little at the beginning.0
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power pants wrote: »Everyone is different. For me, yes it is.
But anyway it's obv me as all past guys can't be in the wrong. Too intense and obsessed maybe I what I am!!!
I know also in the past guys that were way too keen on me have been off putting so maybe that's my answer0 -
I honestly dont know, could be 101 reasons and not down to you at all.
I Wouldnt be so hard on yourself. Maybe other posters will have better/more advice for you0 -
Hard to say, but just to throw it out as a possibility.
Providing you're a half decent human being, breaking up with someone, is a really awful thing to have to do, no one likes it, no walk in the park for the person on the other side of things of course, but it's crap, sometimes they cry, even if the don't take it quite that bad, it just feels awful to see them that dissapointed. It's not fun.
For most people, when they first start seeing someone, you just don't know if you're going to want to be in a relationship with them at some point. You can't, it takes a while to get to know someone, to learn if that's something you'd want. So when you start seeing someone, ideally, what it is, is a chance to spend a bit of time together, get to know each other a bit, have a bit of fun, enjoy each others company, and if that all goes swimmingly, then you start maybe thinking along the lines of their being possibly something a little bit more than that there to explore.
But some people you meet, it seems very much like they want to bypass that whole stage one of the process. They are thinking 'relationship! ' right from the outset. This means that if during the whole 'getting to know each other while having a few laughs and some fun' stage you decide there's probably not anything longer term there for whatever reason(s), rather than it just being a case of going your separate ways reasonably easily, no hard feelings, was great meeting you, you are going to have to go through that whole awful 'break up' thing. As they've gone straight to 'relationship' mode.
So if it seems like someone is one of these 'stage skippers', then it's best to just wrap things up early, before they go getting too attached before you've even had a chance to have a bash at the very fun and enjoyable and pressure free stage one of things.
It might be possible you come across as a 'stage skipper'.
All that 'treat' 'em mean, keep 'em keen', 'people want what they can't have', 'play hard to get', 'make them chase you' stuff is bollox that'll have most people with their heads screwed on straight immediately filing you in the 'not girlfriend material' box.
But... if you're just getting to know someone and looking to have a bit of fun and maybe see what happens, feeling like they are already running down relationship street is very off putting. Can really feel like they just want to be in a relationship, and you're basically incidental, if it wasn't you it'll be whoever the next guy is sure, or the next, doesn't really matter.
There's a middle ground between essentially being a bit of a child and 'playing hard to get', and trying to jump straight into a relationship with someone without giving them the space to get to know you a bit at a time, have a bit of fun together, and then give consideration to whether something more than that could maybe be on the cards.0 -
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What a great post. 'Stage Skipper' puts a whole new perspective on things.. I really am enlightened. I think I was a stage skipper at some point in my 20s0
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OP,
I think you might be coming across too easy. Not meaning that in a bad way but like after a few dates the guys know they can have you and it's no challenge.
I never advocate playing mind games but don't be TOO eager with people.
A small story of a girl I dated a while back...
Lovely girl, very pretty, lots going for her. On paper there's no reason I wouldn't have wanted to persue more with her. But she was too much.
She text me constantly. Now I LOVE a girl sending me nice or cute texts but after just one date I was literally hearing every minute detail of every day. It went from cute to..."Oh my god, what now...!?!?" when I saw a text come in. I didn't want to her to play games and not text back and all this stuff but it was TOO much for someone she met once.
On our next date she told me all she wanted was to get married and have babies. Like, she wanted to get married so she could quit her job and pop out babies. Now... while I'd love to get married and have kids some day... this was a 2nd date... you know when you're still getting to know each other and it should be fun and light. But this girl in her mind had already uit her job and was waiting for me (or someone) to get her pregnant and take care of her. Not that I WOULDN'T for someone I loved but it was just so full on for a 2nd date.
When you say making the guy a priority... while that's nice. Too much too soon also makes someone feel like it's not really THEM you're falling for but rather, the idea of being with someone. Anyone. They don't feel special in any way.0 -
OP,
I think you might be coming across too easy. Not meaning that in a bad way but like after a few dates the guys know they can have you and it's no challenge.
I never advocate playing mind games but don't be TOO eager with people.
A small story of a girl I dated a while back...
Lovely girl, very pretty, lots going for her. On paper there's no reason I wouldn't have wanted to persue more with her. But she was too much.
She text me constantly. Now I LOVE a girl sending me nice or cute texts but after just one date I was literally hearing every minute detail of every day. It went from cute to..."Oh my god, what now...!?!?" when I saw a text come in. I didn't want to her to play games and not text back and all this stuff but it was TOO much for someone she met once.
On our next date she told me all she wanted was to get married and have babies. Like, she wanted to get married so she could quit her job and pop out babies. Now... while I'd love to get married and have kids some day... this was a 2nd date... you know when you're still getting to know each other and it should be fun and light. But this girl in her mind had already uit her job and was waiting for me (or someone) to get her pregnant and take care of her. Not that I WOULDN'T for someone I loved but it was just so full on for a 2nd date.
When you say making the guy a priority... while that's nice. Too much too soon also makes someone feel like it's not really THEM you're falling for but rather, the idea of being with someone. Anyone. They don't feel special in any way.
To be honost I've never acted like this girl you knew - I'd never do that and know myself it was too much. The guys have nearly always been texting a lot at the start and all of my exes said the L word first. Plus I always wait to sleep with guys. I think with me.... I don't know what to think0 -
One thing I do seem to do tho is if I send a text and don't get a reply I'd tend to send a few more. I'm guessing that comes across as psychotic and creepy. I know if I guy did that to me I'd bolt too0
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It does sound like you're very full on, and possibly read too much into things which can be very off putting.
Don't make someone your priority when you hardly know them, let them show you why they deserve to be an important part of your life....and vice versa. Carry on with your life and keep busy and give things a chance to build without rushing them.0 -
To be honost I've never acted like this girl you knew - I'd never do that and know myself it was too much. The guys have nearly always been texting a lot at the start and all of my exes said the L word first. Plus I always wait to sleep with guys. I think with me.... I don't know what to think
Sorry to pick on your last line there but... um... is THAT it?
You sort of have to be realistic. How long are you making someone wait?
See, guys get a bad rap for "being out for one thing". But to give the guys perspective, it's like this:
You like a girl, you ask her out, you do nice things for her, buy her dinner, or go somewhere nice... whatever it is.... basically guys will show interest by trying to set up nice dates and stuff.
Then the girls "makes him wait".
Now, before anyone jumps on me saying the guys are only looking for one things. Let's be honest. As a guy it's difficult too. If you REALLY like someone, you're willing to let her take her time and not rush it. And you want to do nice stuff for her.
On the other hand, there's the equivalent of the "only wants one things guy" and it's the "taking a guy for a ride girl". She loves the dinner and drinks and nice stuff, but she's not into the guy like that... he'll be left waiting forever.
It's a tough call for a guy. There's time where you feel like you're been taken for a ride by someone too. If a girl is happy to accept dates but unwilling to let it go further, while also no addressing why... it's unrealistic to think guys will stick around forever not knowing if she likes him or he's just a meal ticket.0 -
I think you are being a bit hard on yourself...it's probably a combination of things, and not necessarily your fault. I think the question you have to ask yourself is why does it bother you so much. Are you happy enough to be on your own for a while, or are you constantly looking out for potential relationships?
Because that mindset of being' on the hunt' could possibly be making you read further into situations and interactions and then being disappointed when they don't turn out as expected.One thing I do seem to do tho is if I send a text and don't get a reply I'd tend to send a few more. I'm guessing that comes across as psychotic and creepy. I know if I guy did that to me I'd bolt too
This would really annoy me to be honest.
The thing is OP, if you don't like it yourself and you know its annoying...then why do it? Is it so that you get their attention, or to remind them that you are thinking of them?
I have a friend who does this...and don't get me wrong, she is a lovely person, and I consider her a good friend...but it annoys the crap out of me. Sometimes it feels like she is monitoring whether im responding, and im being judged accordingly....like i haven't given her enough attention or something, it can be draining.
It's not that I wouldn't respond to an important text, or something urgent or whatever, but she texts me sometimes after we would have seen eachother during that day...she might text in the evening just 'hows things etc'...and then I respond...and then she keeps the conversations going, but about nothing really...
It's irritating because I get the impression that she is just bored, maybe her boyfriend is out for the evening, and she expects me to entertain her with texts...i dunno, so sometimes i respond, but sometimes i don't, and she will keep texting... but it does seem a bit needy to be honest, sometimes people are just busy or don't want to bother, it doesn't mean they don't like you.
I'm not saying that you are like that necessarily...but it can seem a bit full on to be texting all day or whatever, especially if you dont have anything much to say...
Or maybe its me and I'm just not a texter.
Anyway...I would say try not to get too down on yourself...try to build up other parts of your like - friendships, hobbies, whatever...so that you are not expecting a relationship to fill your time so much, that way if potential new relationship doesn't work out - which they often don't - then its not so big a deal and doesn't affect you as much.
Just because yo don't click with someone or it doesn't turn into something serious straight away, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you...these things just happen.0 -
There may be something to what Est28 says, just as another possibility to throw out. I don't know about all the "being taken for a ride" stuff. Never really felt that personally. But, personally, if I was kinda seeing two girls, not much to choose between them, both equally gorgeous, equally fun, equally sound etc, and I was having unbelievably good sex with girl A, but nothing happening with girl B, well after a couple of weeks my attention was only in one direction. Men really really like sex. Both girls might be equally as amazing, but sex counts, a lot, it wouldn't be enough if there was nothing else there, but all things being equal... the girl that you're having unreal sex with kind of has the edge there.
Same sense of humour - check.
Have fun together - check.
Unbelievably good looking - check.
Intelligent - check.
Good in bed - not a clue???
Same sense of humour - check.
Have fun together - check.
Unbelievably good looking - check.
Intelligent - check.
Good in bed - check.
Girl for me!!!!!
It's a pretty fundamental part of an adult relationship. A fairly definitive deciding factor. If a guy held back giving you a chance to see his sense of humour, basically not engaging in that side of things at all, would you be willing to roll the dice date after date on the hope it'd be good when he finally chose to show it, if with another guy you were already making a connection in that way and making each other laugh etc on a mutual level, all else being equal?0 -
Ok now I'm confused as people say wait and now people say don't wait!!! I mean I don't jump into bed assp as I don't want that anymore. I've done the one night stands and don't want to anymore. I'm 32 now and moving on and so I won't jump into bed with the guy. Il wait a couple of months or more0
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Ok now I'm confused as people say wait and now people say don't wait!!! I mean I don't jump into bed assp as I don't want that anymore. I've done the one night stands and don't want to anymore. I'm 32 now and moving on and so I won't jump into bed with the guy. Il wait a couple of months or more
A couple of months???...
Let's say you meet someone nice and start seeing them on average once a week for dates, or if they live close by, whole weekends or twice a week. You're telling me you'd go on at LEAST 8 dates before you'd sleep with someone?
That's probably where they're losing interest. No one is suggesting you hop into bed on the first or even second night, but a large part of judging your compatibility with someone long term is the sex you have. If they're seeing you a couple of months "or more" and can't even begin to gauge that chemistry, that's probably where you're losing their interest.
And I find it strange that you YOURSELF at that point wouldn't be curious as to what they're like in bed, how compatible you guys are? It's a good bit of time to put into something before even finding out if you'll match between the sheets.0 -
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A couple of months or more..?
Ultimately do what really you want to do. If you really don't want to have sex for the first three or four months because it's really not what you want, then don't. If nothing else, it probably won't be very good for either of you if you're trying to force yourself to do something you don't want to be doing.
But if your waiting that long because you've been told you should as that will somehow improve you're chances with guys, well it doesn't seems to be working, no?
All guys are different and I'm certain there are guys that would actively want to wait that long too, I've just never known any.
Any guys I've known including myself, if they were seeing someone two months and there was no sex, unless you are also sleeping with someone else during the same time (and usually even if you are), then the odds that you would be seeing them at the end of three months would be quite low.
Don't necessarily introduce yourself by throwing yourself naked and spread eagled at their feet within two minutes of the first time you meet them. But it's quite an ask to expect a guy to go without a sex life for months and not have his attention turned elsewhere.
I'm sure someone else will be along in a second to tell us how they waited six months to sleep with a guy and they've now been married for 112 years and have 52 grand children and are still blissfully happy. Grand. Like with anything there are exceptions. But they are exceptions.
Look at it this way. If you met a guy and he wanted to have sex regularly, but time after time wanted to hold off on getting to know each other personally in any way. Week after week after week, you'd meet up, have lots of sex, but none of the other side of dating, despite being well aware that that wasn't what you wanted. On the understanding that after a few months, he would decide that 'OK, now we can do the whole getting to know each other personally stuff'. How long would you give this open ended situation in a world teeming with guys more than willing to engage in every aspect of dating including the one the other guy seems reluctant to engage in? Two months or more? While not entertaining any other guys interest?0 -
I think from the really different views of people everyone is different and there's no right or wrong answer. And of course I'd think about sex with them but usually in the past once they get it they are gone. So that's why I thought holding out would be better. Everyone is different I suppose0
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OP,
You seem to be going to extremes here.
Wait vs. Don't wait... you're taking that to mean either it has to sleeping with them on the first date, or literally drag them over the coals for months.
It's about middle ground here. There's no "rule" as to when. I know some people say X number date but that's not it.
It's when it feel right and natural. Each date with someone there should be some progress. If you hug on the first date, kiss on the 2nd, make out on the third, etc... etc... there's no exact time frame...
But if I was getting closer to a girl like that, then she all of a sudden pulls away. Then she's either not interested or she's playing games. Neither are worth sticking around for.
See, guys get blasted for "only wanting one thing". I mean if he pushed for sex on the first or second date and bails if he doesn't get it... sure, ok.
But like... are there guys who literally stuck around for MONTHS and you kept rejecting their advances... put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel about the other person?0 -
I don't think the sex is the biggest problem. The constant texting everyday and the sending multiple texts would be a far bigger problem for me. I'd wouldn't last more than a few days with that type of behaviour. The problem is Lamp you seem very intense and eager which can often just make a person look desperate. As you've said before if you analysis your behaviour and imagined a guy acted the way you did you'd run a mile.0
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OP,
You started this thread looking for advice or an opinion.
I feel you are now being "attacked" by posters about your attitude regarding when to have sex with someone.
Any poster here can only give an opinion based on their own values, but it would be misleading to believe any one or more posters as everyone has their own values, beliefs and attitude to things.
If you have found one night stands don't work and if you have sex quickly then males leave you, you are perfectly entitled to see if men want to be with you for you, rather than be with you for sex with you.
I would guess that the signal you have given out in the past is that you want a man and appear a bit desperate or easy (no offence). You might have given the impression that you are not looking for any real connection - a man that's interested in you will do. I normally think this sort of thinking is nonsense but I think you could do with learning how to flirt, tease, something to make your conversations and relating to men a bit more exciting or interesting.
Wait as long as you want. If a male is interested in a relationship with you - you as a person, they will wait as long as they have to. I think it is hard to meet someone who is right for you. I would sacrifice a good sex life for someone who is on the same wavelength mentally as me. Most of your time you spend talking, having craic etc. Sex is one part of a relationship but there are many people who are not on the same mental wavelength who are having sex but will not stick together because there is no mental or emotional connection.
You have to be yourself and do what you believe in. When you feel you are with the right man and you think he feels the same, you will have sex whenever you think it is right to do so.
It sounds like you have had enough of men who just want you for sex. You want a proper relationship and you are entitled to that.
Do not think all men will walk away if you don't have sex with them soon, a man interested in a relationship won't.
You may be meeting the wrong males in the wrong places. If you keep going for the wrong sort of male then you will keep repeating the pattern. I think you need to think about what the sort of man you would like to be with would be. Also, whether that sort of man would want to be with you. What sort of man would want to be with you as you are now? (asking as a question to think about not dig at you). If you stopped being a bit desperate and had a bit more respect for yourself and patience, what sort of man would want to be with you? I think you may not have the most belief in yourself and are going for unsuitable men. The more belief you have in yourself the more you will not go for unsuitable men and hopefully more suitable men will be interested in you.
Sending lots of texts you know is nuts so why do it? What else do you do that isn't such a good idea? Cut these out.
You might connect more with men who have something in common with you. I don't know where you meet your males but it doesn't seem to be working.
You are right to look for a relationship. You will meet the right man for you. You may be looking in the wrong places. Where would you be more likely to meet the right man for you?
There is truth in the idea of stage skipping. You don't seem to want a particular man, just a man, so the getting to know each other, joke around, flirt, tease bit seems to have been missing - fun and building up some sort of tension/something to look forward to. I have no idea about that sort of stuff but you seem a bit flat as regards building up a bit of expectation/tension. I'm too old to express this well but you seem to have not done that being a bit coy thing and keeping a man interested by letting him get to want you (I never think like that at all but you seem to need to do it). Making a man wait might actually be what you need to do, just flirt, tease, have some fun and build up some tension. (someone else could explain that better, I'm out of touch).
Don't get down about men not wanting to go out with you. Learn from this that you need to look at your behaviour as well as the type of males you are meeting. I am totally against game playing (colourfully referred to above as bol**x), but in your case I think you need to learn something in this regard - just to have more fun at stage one.
Hope you meet Mr. Right, we all deserve to meet someone right for us.0 -
<Snip> No need to repost entire post. It just clogs the thread with duplicate text.
I don't think anyone will just do me as if I wanted I'd get a boyfriend tomorrow but I don't want to just settle - I'm prob too fussy. And then on the rarity I meet someone I actually like I'm too much and scare them off as it's rare for me. But the bottom line is I am fed up on my own now so maybe I should just casually date people to get some of my intense feelings out and used up0 -
I don't think anyone will just do me as if I wanted I'd get a boyfriend tomorrow but I don't want to just settle - I'm prob too fussy. And then on the rarity I meet someone I actually like I'm too much and scare them off as it's rare for me. But the bottom line is I am fed up on my own now so maybe I should just casually date people to get some of my intense feelings out and used up
Nice to read you don't think anyone will do for you. You are right to be fussy in the sense of not going out with someone for the sake of it if you are not really in to them or think they aren't really in to you. You are right not to settle.
We all want the "right one" and you are right to want the right one.
In my previous post I meant you might be giving the impression / a signal that you might be a bit desperate. It doesn't mean you are, it might just be a way that you dress/appear/behave/whatever. The opposite to that is where someone is quite friendly but whatever way they look they appear to not want anyone to go near them.
I can understand you maybe thinking that you might as well go and date a few people anyway since being "fussy" isn't working. I have been waiting for the exact right one and probably should just be a bit more open to seeing what happens with some people who I would normally just think without knowing them that they wouldn't be right for me.
It's up to you whether you want to date or not. Be careful if you do. It might happen that you meet someone when you least expect it - when you are not expecting to meet the right one.
I think you should think of who you are, who would be a match for you and where you would be likely to meet your match.
There's someone out there for all of us but some meet that someone quicker than others. I hope you meet your someone soon.0 -
Wait as long as you want. If a male is interested in a relationship with you - you as a person, they will wait as long as they have to.
I think this sounds more like a morality fairy land.
Should he keep asking her out, paying for dates, taking her places and doing nice things when he IS interested in her... and she does nothing to reciprocate or else he's labeled as only having wanted one thing? Ridiculous.
I'll say again, there's no exact time frame. But the above is just plain using a guy. She's not interested in him. She just wants free crap. It's despicable.0 -
Not enough women like you tbh, rite guy will come along0
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I think this sounds more like a morality fairy land.
Should he keep asking her out, paying for dates, taking her places and doing nice things when he IS interested in her... and she does nothing to reciprocate or else he's labeled as only having wanted one thing? Ridiculous.
I'll say again, there's no exact time frame. But the above is just plain using a guy. She's not interested in him. She just wants free crap. It's despicable.
Eh I've never used a guy for free stuff. I've always believed in 50/50. Just because I prefer to wait doesn't mean I want a free meal ticket! Btw who says I need the money lol. More like the other way around0
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