Believe his Actions or his Words??

LegacyUser · 15-04-2015 3:31pm #1

I need to keep this a little vague in case he frequents Boards!

We were seeing each other for three months. He introduced me to his family and his best friends (he set up the meetings - i.e. we didn't just happen to bump into them). He made a big deal of telling me how much they liked me. He invited me to things in the near and more distant future. He was super romantic and attentive. He was always making comments that indicated that he saw me in his future - i.e. "next time" or "we should go to that", etc. I can't give to many specifics but basically all his actions have screamed that he wants something with me. At first, his words matched his actions - he wasn't shy about telling me how much he liked me and how crazy he was about me. I was burnt by my last breakup and was always telling him to ease off and slow it down. However, I have fallen for him and now he is saying that he needs to end it now as he isn't ready for a relationship. He had a few really bad breakups and he wants to get out now before our feelings get any deeper and one of us gets hurt.

Normally if a guys actions and words don't match, I would always believe the actions. But in this case am I just fooling myself? Should I trust his actions and give him space in the hope that he comes running after me? Or should I trust what he says and cut my losses?

Saralee4 · 15-04-2015 9:02pm

Im not sure what else you can do other than accept what he has told you.

He said he is not ready for a relationship which I guess he is not.

I know its confusing and probably very hard for you at the moment. Just as you were starting to open up, it seems that he is pulling away but I think you just have to accept what he has said and try to move on.

Jenneke87 · 15-04-2015 10:02pm

If he really wanted you he would say"to hell with being ready or not"and seal the deal. If he tells you he's not ready then leave it be.

Lamp69 · 15-04-2015 10:22pm

I've been in a few similar situations before. The guys were all into me and things were going fast. I think the guy then realises how quick things are going and how he feels and just gets scared and bolts I'm afraid. Theres nothing you can do if he says he's not ready or doesn't want a relationship. It's horrible big time - I know it's horrible but you cant force him.

Tokyo · 16-04-2015 12:39am

It sounds pretty cut and dried to me OP, unfortunate as that may be. You're clinging to the way he has acted in the past at certain times, and ignoring what he is saying and how he is acting in the here and now, and he's being pretty upfront with his feelings on this - it sounds like he got in over his head, and is backing out now before it causes any more upset than it has to.

Unrequited affection doesn't work, and you can't force him to want to be with you. It doesn't make him any less of a great guy, just a case of right person, wrong time. So as hard is it may be, cut your losses and move on, and find somebody who can return your affections.

RachN0207 · 16-04-2015 1:18am

OP I was in the exact same situation as you a few months ago. He behaved as though we were in a relationship and made plans for the future, introduced me to family and friends etc but as soon as the "relationship" word was mentioned he changed his tune immediately. Never could figure it out but I stopped all contact and you should do the same. It was hard to do it but he honestly doesn't enter my mind now that it's a few months down the line so you will be fine too ðŸ˜„

beks101 · 16-04-2015 3:14am

I've learned to be wary of the balls-to-the-wall guys who rush in professing these big feelings and aspirations for the relationship from the word go. They can see themselves falling for you and they think you're amazing, drop dead gorgeous, they've never felt this way before etc etc, "we should do this/go there/try that..."

I think it's a sign of extreme emotional immaturity / unavailability and unfortunately IME the pendulum invariably swings the other way just as you've been convinced and sucked in and you're left to do the head-fcuking post-mortem on where/why/how you went wrong while he's fast-tracking his way into a new dating scenario with someone else.

It's not fair and it's not cool and I've often wished there was more accountability to be forced upon people like this in the dating world because you can feel incredibly wronged and deceived by the whole thing, but unfortunately people are complicated and it means that he simply was not available in the way he professed to be.

He might have been railroading into something new as a rebound to his previous bad relationships, he might have been trying to prove a point to himself, overcome by lust and shyte-talking based on that (a common one), or maybe just an ego boost for himself...who knows. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is his unsuitability. You can't hold out for someone like that because their inconsistency of words and actions will destroy your self esteem and faith in relationships and your happiness.

Walk away from this dude and don't attempt to further understand. You won't, he's got his own issues. Don't engage in any debates or emotional heart-to-hearts, just tell him he is not what you're looking for and cut every cord you have to him. You'll get over him and you'll be a lot more privy to the warning signs with the next guy.

Est28 · 16-04-2015 5:17am

OP,
I think you need to let it go. You're clinging to something you think is there. He was very up front that he is not in a position to be in relationship. You need to accept that and move on. This is all pure drama to push the issue with him.

LegacyUser · 16-04-2015 7:05am

OP here thanks for the replies. The consensus is fairly obvious!
I guess I just feel very betrayed. We are both in our mid 30s. He knew that I didn't want a relationship and that I was happy to just have fun and see where it went. He went out if his way to convince me that I could trust him and his intentions and that he wanted more. I spent the last 3 months slowly letting my walls down for a guy that had no intention of sticking around. My housemate met him a few times and said that he seemed very emotional insecure. He comes across as a very confident guy but I think a lot of that is for show. It would seem like he was showing off but he'd actually be looking for some kind of reassurance from me that he was good enough for me. I should add that as far as he knows I have walked away and cut contact. It's only on here that I've expressed these feelings!

Chrome342 · 16-04-2015 9:47am

Respect his decision. He is not ready, he made it clear.

Lamp69 · 16-04-2015 10:43am

Chrome342 wrote: »

Respect his decision. He is not ready, he made it clear.

Ya and he should have respected her in the beginning and none of this would be happening!!

LegacyUser · 16-04-2015 11:56am

Head-Melted wrote: »

He knew that I didn't want a relationship and that I was happy to just have fun and see where it went.

Why did you meet his family and friends then? Not much good asking about the conflict between his actions and words when you're doing the same yourself. He was very wrong to lead you on then pull the plug, but I think you'll have to accept your share of the responsibility here. If you're really not up for a relationship, don't behave like you're in one. All you can do now about this situation is walk it off and learn the lesson.

Hoochiemama · 16-04-2015 12:01pm

Euggghhhhh - These guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are not alone. I keep picking them! Emotionally Unavailable is my fortae - they suck you in with all their enthusiasm only for it deflate like a lead balloon.

I'm literally just after getting over one of these guys - cut him off and now hes back all interested but he can f**k off. Sick of being guys emotional chew toys.

I know it stings. It really does because you cant understand how they can go from completely and utterly into you (promising you the world) to nothing. But believe him and remember you deserve a guy who will be available to you and respectful to you.

Beks101 couldn't have summed it up any better.

xxxx

LegacyUser · 16-04-2015 12:30pm

Guessed wrote: »

Why did you meet his family and friends then? Not much good asking about the conflict between his actions and words when you're doing the same yourself. He was very wrong to lead you on then pull the plug, but I think you'll have to accept your share of the responsibility here. If you're really not up for a relationship, don't behave like you're in one. All you can do now about this situation is walk it off and learn the lesson.

Sorry what I meant was that I wasn't actively looking for a relationship but I was open to one. I just needed to know that I could trust him before I let myself get emotionally involved. And I nearly didn't meet his family as I thought it was too early but he asked several times and said it was important to him so I agreed to go.

Lamp69 · 16-04-2015 12:56pm

Head-Melted wrote: »

Sorry what I meant was that I wasn't actively looking for a relationship but I was open to one. I just needed to know that I could trust him before I let myself get emotionally involved. And I nearly didn't meet his family as I thought it was too early but he asked several times and said it was important to him so I agreed to go.

It sounds like an ego boost maybe op. He wanted you as you resisted then when you didn't resist he had "got" you and so won. Maybe I'm being too harsh on him though. There's a lot of issues and you'll prob never get the answers your looking for. Just forget about him and let him be immature to his hearts content ☺️

strobe · 16-04-2015 1:43pm

Lamp69 wrote: »

Ya and he should have respected her in the beginning and none of this would be happening!!

It's entirely possible he was 100% genuine and honest at all times. And at no point disrespected her in any way.

It sounds like he was mad about her, and took a chance on things, wanted to give them a chance to work, but when he realised it wasn't going to work out for whatever reasons, was again genuine and honest and told the OP straight out, which was the right thing to do.

You've no reason to feel betrayed here OP. It just didn't work out and he did the right thing by you. It's a shame but it is what it is. Onwards and upwards.

Lamp69 · 16-04-2015 2:21pm

strobe wrote: »

It's entirely possible he was 100% genuine and honest at all times. And at no point disrespected her in any way.

It sounds like he was mad about her, and took a chance on things, wanted to give them a chance to work, but when he realised it wasn't going to work out for whatever reasons, was again genuine and honest and told the OP straight out, which was the right thing to do.

You've no reason to feel betrayed here OP. It just didn't work out and he did the right thing by you. It's a shame but it is what it is. Onwards and upwards.

I disagree as he said his reason was he wasn't ready for a relationship. If that's the case then don't start anything to begin with

Taltos · 16-04-2015 2:45pm

Mod Note:
OK guys, please take the back and forth outside. Keep advice on point to the OP, and lets cease this distracting discussion among ourselves.

Remember opinions are welcome and we don't have to agree with them all, we do have to respect them though. PI/RI is an advice forum though, not a discussion forum.

Dog of Tears · 16-04-2015 3:22pm

strobe wrote: »

It's entirely possible he was 100% genuine and honest at all times. And at no point disrespected her in any way.

Didn't you get the memo?

Men aren't allowed to change their minds when they enter a relationship with a lady.
Even if months pass and you get to know each other better, it's a complete betrayal to change your intentions towards the lady in question and a sign of extreme emotional immaturity / unavailability .

Obviously it remains a lady's perogative to change her mind at any time, because women are allowed to have feelings, men must only have intentions.

The fact of the matter OP, is that the relationship ran it's course.
Yes, it's annoying and hurtful, but it seems to me that while his 'feelings' towards you changed, he didn't necessarily lie to you at any time.

Don't make the mistake of buying into the 'All men are bastards' line you'll be fed here so often. It will only led you to become embittered and less likely to attract a partner in the future.

Take some time out and then try to met another guy.

Keep doing this until you meet the right one.

LadyAthame · 17-04-2015 1:41am

He sounds like a prick with huge issues. Accept his choice get out while you can ow you know look for someone more stable.

I am sorry this happened to you you need both actions and words you deserve that it's out there now you can find it.

Est28 · 17-04-2015 2:16am

LadyAthame wrote: »

He sounds like a prick with huge issues.

Seriously? Because he started dating someone.. for a relatively short time mind you, and for whatever reason decided it wasn't the right thing for him?

"I don't want a relationship right now" is code for "I don't want one with you".
Maybe the OP should do some soul searching as to why she turned this guy off.

LadyAthame · 17-04-2015 3:13am

Est28 wrote: »

Seriously?

Yes seriously.

He has the issue.

CaraMay · 17-04-2015 4:31am

I think the rule is 'actions over words if there are no words' eg if you were waiting for him to say he loved you then you could rely on his actions to see if he did love you but 'words over actions' if he is telling you he doesn't have feelings for you.

He has told you he doesn't want you op, why would you hang around for him?

Stavro Mueller · 17-04-2015 8:55am

The sentence should read I'm not ready for a relationship (with you). Most of the commitmentphobes in the general population suddenly change their minds big time when the right person comes along. I'm afraid, OP, that you weren't the right person for this guy.

I smiled at Bek's description of the balls to the walls guys and she has it spot on. All you have to do is look back through the pages of this forum and you'll find boardsies who can't figure out where Mr Enthusiastic (or indeed, Miss Enthusiastic) has gone to. At least this one had the manners to tell you in person that he's ending it. Some of these Mr Enthusiastics vanish off the face of the earth.

Lamp69 · 17-04-2015 10:27am

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

The sentence should read I'm not ready for a relationship (with you). Most of the commitmentphobes in the general population suddenly change their minds big time when the right person comes along. I'm afraid, OP, that you weren't the right person for this guy.

I smiled at Bek's description of the balls to the walls guys and she has it spot on. All you have to do is look back through the pages of this forum and you'll find boardsies who can't figure out where Mr Enthusiastic (or indeed, Miss Enthusiastic) has gone to. At least this one had the manners to tell you in person that he's ending it. Some of these Mr Enthusiastics vanish off the face of the earth.

So if for example a guy tells you he's not looking for a relationship - he's just not into you? Even if he's not long out of another? If he really liked you it wouldn't matter and he would enter a relationship with you if he really liked you? Just trying to figure it out

njs030 · 17-04-2015 12:03pm

Lamp69 wrote: »

So if for example a guy tells you he's not looking for a relationship - he's just not into you? Even if he's not long out of another? If he really liked you it wouldn't matter and he would enter a relationship with you if he really liked you? Just trying to figure it out

Yes and no. Sometimes someone genuinely doesnt want a relationship with anyone, but they usually won't be open to meeting someone in the first place.
Generally if someone is dating and says they don't want a relationship it's safe to assume they mean with you.

If someone really likes you then yes they will do everything within their power to be with you, but they have to be open to letting that happen.....which circles back to the first point. Occasionally things change over time but it's pretty rare.

Saralee4 · 17-04-2015 12:22pm

Lamp69 wrote: »

So if for example a guy tells you he's not looking for a relationship - he's just not into you? Even if he's not long out of another? If he really liked you it wouldn't matter and he would enter a relationship with you if he really liked you? Just trying to figure it out

Part of the problem Lamp is, well I think anyway, is that we all have different expectations going into a relationship or when dating. We are thinking from our own emotions and our own expectations not the other persons.

Its hard at the beginning to lay everything out on a plate because you don't know how you will feel further along the line.

Some people just go in the moment and say exactly what they are feeling right there and then but people are aloud to change their mind. The important lessen here is, I think that you really need to know someone very well. When we are infatuated or in lust with one another, you can think all sorts of future plans but when it comes down to it and that infatuation starts to fade, that's when the real personalities come out. That's when sometimes the relationship will fail.

I think a lot of the time, its the things you like about a person in the beginning that very often you find overbearing or irritating later on. Confidence and charm can become domineering and manipulative or say affectionate and open can become clingy and needy.

As well as that you have to consider, that men and women are different, in many ways they are also same and it is the difference and similarities combined that attract us to one another. How men deal with emotions is very often different to how women deal with them but for some reason I think men and women are guilty of assuming that the other person handles emotions the same. We have been raised differently and thought differently and we cannot expect the same reactions that you would do yourself from somebody else.

Op you held your guard up until he convinced you otherwise, when you let your guard down, that's when he felt pressure. Its just one of those things.

I understand totally how you feel let down but its not even that you are not the woman for him, he is not the man for you either and there would be no point to go on if he is having doubts so in a way, he has done the right thing although I know it hurts and has been confusing and I admit its easier to dish out advice than when your actually experiencing it but the best thing for you to do now, is not worry about him or the reasons, but just to accept what he said and know now that he is not reliable enough for you and that he goes in to quick without considering that he might change his mind later on. And this is not the type of man that you are looking for.

LLMMML · 17-04-2015 12:25pm

I have to disagree with some of the more recent posts which think this is standard dating behaviour.

They are right that there are a lot of threads where a guy loses interest, but one thing these threads have in common is that a significant number of these guys promise the world. Of course it's fine if a guy is interested after a week and not interested a few weeks later. But this subclass of guy seems to actively try to break down a girls barriers and once he's succeeded then loses interest.

OP this is a problem with him, not just run of the mill dating behaviour. If you continued on with him somehow there would be oter manifestations of his problems so I think you had a lucky escape.

Lamp69 · 17-04-2015 1:03pm

So a guy who flirted strongly for about 2 - 3 weeks and I "thought" hinted at a relationship and wanted something with me just lost interest once he got to know me and said he didn't want a relationship for a long time when I asked him for a drink? Sucks but I think that's true

LegacyUser · 17-04-2015 11:30pm

Hi op

Men find it much more difficult to deal with emotions and I'd guess he is afraid you don't want him and that has scared him so bad that he is protecting himself.

I think this is a problem especially when two people have been hurt in the past. The feeling of rejection would scar him for life. He has put his heart on the table and likely thinks you're not interested enough to be closer.

So the first rule is don't believe what he says and always trust your feelings.

LegacyUser · 21-04-2015 3:51pm

OP here. Thanks for all the replies.

I didn't want to give too much information in case it identified me (if he uses boards) but his main reason for not wanting to be in a relationship right now is that his work/life circumstances have changed in the last couple of months. And he thought that the lack of time we would be able to spend together would result in us breaking up after a few more months which would be even more painful than if we split now and he can't bear to go through the pain of another bad breakup. I guess that's why I'm finding it so hard to move on because I know we both have strong feelings for each other.

I'm normally pretty okay at moving on after such a short time with someone but, for some reason, this guy has really gotten under my skin and its getting harder, not easier, to get over him. Every time I do/see something I want to share it with him and then realise that I can't. Its like I've only realised now how much I actually liked him.

But at the end of the day, I guess if his feelings were strong enough then he would have given it a go. So I need to try to forget him. Thanks again.

CaraMay · 21-04-2015 10:09pm

Yes if his feeling were strong enough he would have given it a go. Onwards and upwards op

JeffKenna · 21-04-2015 11:19pm

Hi OP,

Bottom line is if this guy wanted to be with you he would. That's his decision. It doesn't make him a prick or emotionally unavailable as some posts seem to suggest. Perhaps he just saw more and more parts of the relationship that he wasn't happy with or knew he wouldn't be in the future.

tinz18 · 22-04-2015 1:53pm

Head-Melted wrote:

But at the end of the day, I guess if his feelings were strong enough then he would have given it a go. So I need to try to forget him. Thanks again.

Definitely follow this advice OP. I had a guy who used the same excuse (in my case pressure of a PhD) as an out of a relationship. Lo and behold he was in another serious relationship within a few weeks and by doing a PhD myself (and holding onto my relationship while doing it) I realised that it was his way of letting me down without having to be the bad guy and say the words "I'm just not that into you anymore." I remember how hard it is to reconcile words with actions but don't overthink it. If you haven't cut contact do so now and move on- its his loss and trust me there's many other guys out there who's actions match their words.

Believe his Actions or his Words??

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