Help with my relationship.

LegacyUser · 15-04-2015 1:45pm #1

Hi,

I have been going out with this great girl for over 2yrs. I love everything about her but there is a big problem when it comes to sexual intimacy. She is in her mid 30's and is a traditional/religious type who wants to wait untill she is married to have sex. I could probably handle that but apart from that, not much else happens, only on occasion. She has a lower sex drive than me for a start. Getting a hand job is a struggle. Oral sex will never happen even if we were married. She doesnt like the mess etc. She doesnt seem to understand how important all that stuff is to guys. My own sex drive has lowered because of it. I have tried everything to make her understand but its no good. I even managed to get her to come to a therapist but that didnt last.
I used to think she might have a problem but i think we are just very different sexually.
She loves me and i did/do still love her i think, But im so confused as to what im feeling. I know i love her and care about her so much like you would a good friend.

I wish i could accept this aspect of it. She says if i do love her then i should be able to accept the way it is. Is that the case?
She also says that she is not sure how she would be sexually if she was married to someone. She might be more free etc.
Its alot to ask any guy to hope that it might be different if married. Thats what really gets me. If i was to end it and she was different, i would regret it for the rest of my life. I could hear about her been engaged in a year!
Her sisters who she says are the same managed to find husbands. Those guys accepted it, why cant i.
Im scared to end it. I would miss her so much. Apart from this issue i couldnt ask anything more of her. I have always struggled to meet girls and have relationship. I could go another 10yrs before i meet someone like her.
It really is a **** situation.
Any advice appreciated.
Thanks.

Chemical Byrne · 16-04-2015 9:11am

To be honest dude, my first instinct on reading your post is that this woman might be playing you like a fiddle in order to get you to marry her. In fairness, in this day and age I find the no marriage before sex thing a little incredible especially for younger people.

Things that make me say this are:
a) she claims to not know how she would be even when married, she might get even more repressed as being married she "has" you and won't have to. Also she might see sex as for procreation only - ye might only get to have sex 4 or 5 times for the rest of your life!

b) she is guilting you by claiming their sisters are the same and if their OHs accept is why cant you? ie shes blaming you, saying that this is your problem!
How do we even know her sisters are like this? It would be very strange for a whole family to be effectively celibate.

c) teasing you with the occasional hand job, possibly to frustrate you into marrying her in the hope of *possibly* getting more.

No offense dude, but from what I've read, my gut is telling me that this woman is a first rate manipulator with sex being her weapon of choice. She might be planning to get you married to her by this route and then when you are snared she will up the ante and start doing god knows what. If I were you I'd be taking stock of this relationship. Is there any other area of the relationship where she tries to, or tried in the past, place undue influence on you or subtly manipulate you towards a certain course of action?

You say you find it hard to meet women. Listen to me, if you have doubts or are not truly and fully happy do not marry this woman. I speak from personal experience - it is better to be single that to live under that sort of regime where a partner withholds something you crave until you commit to a course of action that suits them. That my friend is bullying and the work of a sociopath.

I may be wrong but that was just my first impression on reading.

EDIT: Also, forgot to say - you can be sure that if ye do get married and she agrees to sex, the next thing she'll be saying is that she doesn't believe in contraceptives so your choices will either be to have many children with her (her claws will be hooked even further into your flesh) or to completely abstain).

strobe · 16-04-2015 11:47am

If you could do a search in this forum. And searched for "sexless marriage". You would find several dozen (possibly more) threads with guys saying they were unsatisfied with their sex lives prior to marriage, then got married and things continued deteriorating, and now they've had sex once in the last 2/3/7 years. Dozens of threads.

She knows how much it's effecting you. Her response to that is "this is how I am, if you loved me you'd be fine with it". If you wanted sex but didn't want to put any effort into the romantic side of your relationship, she raised that with you as an issue, and you said "nah, not gonna change, can't be arsed with that stuff, if you loved me you'd be fine with it" what do you think she would say?

Get out now, or we'll probably be seeing you back here in a a couple of years adding to the seemingly endless list of 'sexless marriage' threads.

There's 3.5 billion women in the world.

DeltaWhite · 16-04-2015 12:02pm

I cannot agree more with the above posters advice.

This is coming from a woman, you are not happy now. You will not be happy if you marry her and continue down this path. She wont magically change after marriage. Sorry OP. It's decision time for you.

And seriously, the amount of threads I see here of men, miserable in their marriages, who thought their wives/partners would change, it's honestly shocking. You know what is going on here, so no point in continuing if you know you'll be miserable forever with her.

Chemical Byrne · 16-04-2015 12:09pm

In fairness, I often see this no sex before marriage thing being trotted out by women. In reality I think in most cases this is just an excuse to either innocently or malevolently explain a low or absent sex drive. If two people have a normal sex drive and are attracted to eachother in a sexual way, then they will have sex one way or the other.

There is also the possibility that she just has no interest in sex at all and is trying to convince herself that it is because of her religious background and that once she's married she will magically want it.

Whatever the cause, it is quite clear you are unhappy with the situation. I feel there's little point in trying to convince her to have sex as she clearly doesn't want it. If she did have sexual desires, you'd be having sex insteadof posting here.

My advice is to at least give consideration to leaving this relationship. Don't do what I did and waste some of the best years of my life with someone who is not only completely incompatible but an absolute manipulating sociopath.

DaisyD2 · 16-04-2015 1:12pm

flipit12 wrote: »

She doesnt like the mess etc.

I even managed to get her to come to a therapist but that didnt last.

.

Sex is Messy! But its also a totally normal act which, done right, Bonds a couple together.

You tried therapist, she stopped going I presume? She doesn't see/have problem. Btw its not "a problem", you are just not compatible.

Yes, she might be engaged next year, you might bump into her & fiance looking all happy n whatnot but y'know what - they are not happy cos they are having lots of fabulousy messy sex! Its because they are Compatible in their desire not to engage in mess.

You on the other hand have already found your sex drive has waned, you are already depressed, you are on here looking for advice of strangers who know neither of you - My 2c - say goodbye, move on, find yourself again & then look for a woman you are Compatible with.

Shes just a friend with No benefits. Read other threads on sexless marriages, they all started out like you.

Meauldsegosha · 16-04-2015 1:43pm

OP I have to agree with the other posters here. You are not sexually compatible with your partner. Her sex drive is not going to suddenly increase because she is married, she is not going to develop a taste (pardon the pun) for oral sex because she is married. She didn't continue with the therapist because she doesn't see this as a problem. But it is clearly effecting you so it is a problem.

I am always wary of telling people they should end a relationship but for your own sanity I believe it is the only option in this situation.

Neyite · 16-04-2015 1:58pm

Here's the misconception about celibate-until-married couples.

The ones who will have a healthy and fulfilling and mutually enjoyable sex life as a married couple are the ones who find this part of the relationship challenging - they are hot-blooded and still fancy the arse of their girlfriend/boyfriend, get aroused during snogging sessions but force themselves to abstain for their personal beliefs. Abstaining is supposed to be an effort physically and mentally for them. No point in giving up something for lent that you dont miss anyway, right?

So if she is not getting all overheated and aroused with you now, and finding herself getting sexually frustrated on occasion, the horny hormones wont suddenly appear on her wedding night either.

nc19 · 16-04-2015 2:07pm

DeltaWhite wrote:

And seriously, the amount of threads I see here of men, miserable in their marriages, who thought their wives/partners would change, it's honestly shocking. You know what is going on here, so no point in continuing if you know you'll be miserable forever with her.

From a woman's poverty why do you feel some women turn out like this??

DeltaWhite · 16-04-2015 3:08pm

nc19 wrote: »

From a woman's poverty why do you feel some women turn out like this??

At this risk of derailing which I don't want to do, I wish I knew the answer to that question! It would be impossible to pin point because every woman has a different upbringing in life, different views in life, different morals etc... I cannot see what the connection would be. Bring other things into the equation like children, mortgage, more stresses, bereavements etc. it is just so so hard to figure out why some women become that way, or even if they may have always been like that and just hid it well.

My heart goes out to you OP with the really difficult decision you have on your plate right now. I am glad you decided to post today because I think a lot of men buried their heads in the sand hoping it would get better and I've yet to see one thread where the situation changed (fellow boardsies correct me if I'm wrong) So you have taken the first step asking for advice, now you need to gather your thoughts and figure out what is best for YOU, not your GF. Your happiness is your life.

LegacyUser · 16-04-2015 3:19pm

DaisyD2 wrote: »

Btw its not "a problem", you are just not compatible.

This sums it up really. Your not compatible and marriage isn't going to change that. I've several friends who are religious both male and female who waited until after marriage to have sex and there was nothing wrong with that or them, it was their choice but all of them married people who shared their views. It doesn't sound like you do OP, I'm assuming by your post your not a virgin nor as religious as her so why stay in a relationship just to maybe have sex with her someday? I don't think sex should be the be all of a relationship and do know couples who actually survive just fine without sex but it is important for most and clearly is very important to you OP so just accept your not compatible and move on.

LegacyUser · 16-04-2015 6:55pm

Thanks for all the replys.

I had a feeling the comments about her being selfish and manipulative would appear which is understandable but she really isnt like that. If there is some issues like that then they are probably deep rooted things which she isnt even aware of.
I mean she does get turned on on occasions and there has been a couple of times where she has contemplated doing it but no, she is sticking to her beliefs which i admire.
Like i said i could handle waiting until marriage to have sex but its the other stuff. No oral sex. she doesnt know or wont learn to touch or pleasure me. maybe she would in time as she doesnt have much experience with guys. Im only her second bf. I just dont know. its my gut feeling it wouldnt change, but it still makes this a really tough decision. We live together , and the thought of walking out the door on her. She would take it really badly. Im worried about her.
To the previous poster, no im not a virgin and dont have the same beliefs as her.
I would love to be one of those couples that could survive fine without it! I mean , do alot of them exist?! Do they have extremely fulfilling lives in other aspects that they just dont need it!
Maybe i could exist without it if i properly tried. Doesnt it die out eventually anyway? as you get older, you just become great friends etc.

bobbyj946 · 16-04-2015 7:16pm

Neyite wrote: »

Here's the misconception about celibate-until-married couples.

The ones who will have a healthy and fulfilling and mutually enjoyable sex life as a married couple are the ones who find this part of the relationship challenging - they are hot-blooded and still fancy the arse of their girlfriend/boyfriend, get aroused during snogging sessions but force themselves to abstain for their personal beliefs. Abstaining is supposed to be an effort physically and mentally for them. No point in giving up something for lent that you dont miss anyway, right?

So if she is not getting all overheated and aroused with you now, and finding herself getting sexually frustrated on occasion, the horny hormones wont suddenly appear on her wedding night either.

This 100%, every point is spot on!

I'm in a sex-less relationship myself for the last 3+ years, but i know without a shred of doubt that this won't be the case after marriage. We are currently engaged.

When we started to go out i was very concerned that the lack of a physical relationship would persist, i wondered would it be better to end the relationship. I dreaded the idea of breaking up as i knew she was perfect for me.

But as Neyite said IF it's there the passion shows through, it really is unstoppable. I often tell my fiance that seeing that side of her was the greatest relief ever as it was then i knew we would stay together.

You have a difficult choice to make OP and I don't envey you one bit.

Buona Fortuna · 16-04-2015 7:35pm

Hi OP, good advice above.

Just to reiterate though. As someone who's been married nearly 30 years, if you haven't gotten a bj before you're married , you sure as hell won't after.

Best of Luck OP

LegacyUser · 16-04-2015 8:34pm

bobbyj946 wrote: »

This 100%, every point is spot on!

I'm in a sex-less relationship myself for the last 3+ years, but i know without a shred of doubt that this won't be the case after marriage. We are currently engaged.

When we started to go out i was very concerned that the lack of a physical relationship would persist, i wondered would it be better to end the relationship. I dreaded the idea of breaking up as i knew she was perfect for me.

But as Neyite said IF it's there the passion shows through, it really is unstoppable. I often tell my fiance that seeing that side of her was the greatest relief ever as it was then i knew we would stay together.

You have a difficult choice to make OP and I don't envey you one bit.

But what makes you believe this? Does she get turned on easily? does she know how to pleasure you etc? What has she told you about it being different when married?
This is what concerns me, If it would be different if we were married. I just dont know.

LegacyUser · 16-04-2015 10:04pm

flipit12 wrote: »

Maybe i could exist without it if i properly tried. Doesnt it die out eventually anyway? as you get older, you just become great friends etc.

There are many reasons that a couple might not have a sexual aspect to their relationship. Some is physical - illness or disability that has effect one of both, some it's a case of both having low to none existent sex drives or one partner has a low drive and the other has made the choice to be with them. A close friend is married to a woman considerably older then him. She's had cancer and gone through early menopause as a result and has nearly no sex drive left and actually left him because she didn't think it was fair to him for them to be together due to her low sex drive but he knew he wanted to be with her and after taking about things they got back together and have been married 15 years.

And no age doesn't automatically mean the physical side of your relationship dies, I've a 90 year old uncle who tells anyone who'll listen that he still shags his wife of near 70 years at least twice a week.

It's not a question of having to forgo something for you or her to be forced to do something she doesn't want. If you wanted her enough to move past this issue you wouldn't be posting here. You don't sound right for each other. You seem to think if you keep holding out for marriage or playing around with her looking for oral a switch will suddenly go and she'll be sexually compatible with you. She won't, she clearly has a hang up about sex that maybe partly down to religious views and partly down to personal issues. Any of my religious friends would never have oral sex before marriage as they view it all as 'sex' and something only for their partner but none had unhealthy views on sex, they were looking forward to it with the right person for them. She just sounds confused and uncomfortable about the whole thing and I don't think your in the right frame of mind to help as you sound like you view getting sex as some sort of goal or reward rather then something is a part of a bigger relationship.

ManOfMystery · 16-04-2015 11:57pm

There might be the odd exception to the rule, but for the most part - any time I've heard of someone being in a sexless relationship before marriage, guess what changed after they got married? ...................................... nothing.

Walking up an aisle and putting a ring on her finger will not magically transform a woman's libido overnight, religion being a factor or not. If she has no desire to learn what you like or even partake in light foreplay now, that is not going to change overnight. If anything, most couples find that their sex lives will (predictably) slow as they get farther and farther from the initial honeymoon phase of their relationship when they can't keep their hands off each other. It sounds like you never even got to enjoy that part.

Bringing up her friends and their seemingly happy partners is emotional manipulation at best, be it deliberate or not. With that shift of blame in mind, I get a sense that if you were to tell her this was a dealbreaker, she may refer to that again or imply you have an unhealthy obsession with sex. Ignore it if she does - you don't. Sex is a totally healthy and normal way for couples to enjoy intimacy and closeness, and something which allows them to transcend the values of a typical platonic relationship. Otherwise, you're glorified housemates. This is a major incompatibility which is unlikely to change, and for me personally, would be a dealbreaker.

Minderbinder · 17-04-2015 11:33am

i'm not sure but maybe some of the women here can answer. as your gf is a virgin, might there not be some chance that she'll get an appetite for sex once she actually experiences it?

i think you need to tell her about your beliefs op (even if they're not big holy religious ones that doesn't mean they're any less important). you need to be frank, tell her how you feel about her but that sexually it's just not working for you and you'll end up resenting her in the long run.

bobbyj946 · 17-04-2015 12:41pm

flipit12 wrote: »

But what makes you believe this? ... What has she told you about it being different when married?
This is what concerns me, If it would be different if we were married. I just dont know.

Although we often talk about married life and the chance to final be together it is her actions, the display of frustration and want, that is the clearest message. When we are alone, we are passionate, and as it was said earlier it is very difficult for us both not to cross the line. If it was easy for either of us to have a celibate relationship then alarm bells would be ringing.

I'm not sure if the following is something that you have thought of, if not i apologies if i put this depressing thought in your mind.

You said she is mid thirties and her sisters are married, is there a risk that she has settled for you? By this i mean; she sees her family and friends of a similar age all married and moving on with thier lives, she has not got passion for your relationship but the prospect of starting again at her age is too depressing as it could take years to find someone and settle by which stage she could well be 40 and too old to have children. Safer to leave things as they are.

If this is a concern to you, talk to her about it, bring it out in the open.

LegacyUser · 17-04-2015 1:36pm

There seems to be a lot of folk who know a lot of folk who are in happy sexless relationships.

@cant log in, I don't understand what you mean about my view of sex? I have a healthy view of sex and how it should be. As I've said I am happy to wait to have intercourse but the problem is that she doesn't know or I don't know how she would be when married. She has said she looks forward to the day when she will have sex so she is not completely lacking in libido, but when she can barely pleasure me now. It will hardly change.

@bobby, she says she loves me , I believe her. Can I ask, does your girlfriend pleasure you, does she know how to? Is she turned off by the mess etc? I can't even sleep naked as she is too worried about sheets!

LegacyUser · 17-04-2015 2:32pm

flipit12 wrote: »

@cant log in, I don't understand what you mean about my view of sex? I have a healthy view of sex and how it should be. As I've said I am happy to wait to have intercourse but the problem is that she doesn't know or I don't know how she would be when married. She has said she looks forward to the day when she will have sex so she is not completely lacking in libido, but when she can barely pleasure me now. It will hardly change.

We can only comment on what you post her OP and from your posts your focus seems to be on your getting sex not on your as a couple exploring your relationship that includes a physical relationship. Even now your comment is about her pleasuring you. That way you talk about sex and waiting for it sounds like you think it's a reward or goal to be reached rather then something that happens naturally as part of a relationship. Several posters have commented that it doesn't sound like you are compatible and you've no offered anything to change this view other then you like her you but don't seem willing to even discuss this. You seem have decided that your view is right and she's wrong but you'll be the martyr and suffer to keep her happy…that doesn't sound healthy now does it?

Jimmy Bottlehead · 17-04-2015 2:54pm

flipit12 wrote: »

There seems to be a lot of folk who know a lot of folk who are in happy sexless relationships.

@cant log in, I don't understand what you mean about my view of sex? I have a healthy view of sex and how it should be. As I've said I am happy to wait to have intercourse but the problem is that she doesn't know or I don't know how she would be when married. She has said she looks forward to the day when she will have sex so she is not completely lacking in libido, but when she can barely pleasure me now. It will hardly change.

@bobby, she says she loves me , I believe her. Can I ask, does your girlfriend pleasure you, does she know how to? Is she turned off by the mess etc? I can't even sleep naked as she is too worried about sheets!

OP, why would you bother your arse with this girl?

You're a human being. You have needs and wants in order to be physically, mentally and emotionally fulfilled - food, water, air, shelter, safety socialising and sex are among the key ones.

Yes, there MAY be happy sexless relationships but you only get one shot at life... why would you waste it on someone who is and wants to deprive you of something so important?

There are more than enough women out there and not one of them is truly irreplacable. You've the blinkers on, and if you make the smart move and get the **** out of dodge, you'll be thanking your lucky stars in a few months or years.

Chemical Byrne · 17-04-2015 3:04pm

No offence Flipit12, but your gf sounds like a complete head melt as regards any sort of intimacy. I would even go so far as to say she has a childish view of sex. I mean seriously, if she's worried about the arrangement of sheets so ye do not directly touch eachother in the bed, that is simply not a normal or healthy way to view intimacy or sexuality.

Even her apparent revulsion at the "mess" of sex is a very childish sort of "ewwww" thing. Assuming no strange fetishes are involved

Mark my works, whatever about any possibilities of actually having sex once married, the her above views WILL NOT CHANGE ONE BIT - there is not some miraculous enlightenment that occurs the moment you are pronounced man and wife, ye, and her especially, will be the exact same people with the same views and desires (of lack of them) once the wedding is complete. She might want to beleive that there might be but OP, for goodness sake, please do not try to fool yourself into such beleifs when you have been repeatedly warned here that she will not change.

The long and the short of it is, if she genuinely wanted sex with you, she would be having it. personally I think she's stringing you along whether intentionally or unintentionally as a result of her immature views on sexuality.

For your own sake, please think about this and do not make the mistake of knowingly entering into what will most likely be a (more or less) sexless marriage. Whatever you do don't find yourself like I did, filled with self hate and regret after 6 years in a poisonous, toxic relationship with someone I knew deep down in my gut was not right for me from the outset but went along with it hoping she'd change.

You need to make this decision for yourself, you owe yourself that respect to do what is right for you and make you happy.

bobbyj946 · 17-04-2015 3:22pm

flipit12 wrote: »

@bobby, she says she loves me , I believe her. Can I ask, does your girlfriend pleasure you, does she know how to? Is she turned off by the mess etc? I can't even sleep naked as she is too worried about sheets!

There are some things which are common to all healthy relationships; a passion and desire for each another is one such example.

The question you ask is specific to each individual couple, however I would answer it should have no bearing on you.

Your trying to form an idea if what is normal so that you can compare yourself to it. This is a bad idea, the main reason being that the combination of how people present their relationship and how you perceive it cullmanates in a fairly warped view of what actual happens.

If your committed to the relationship, then perhaps you need to concentrate on her first, what makes her happy, go that extra mile to impress. I'm not taking expensive gestures like holidays, jewellery or anything else that can be bought, thoughtfull gestures customised for her, things which show you really care and understand her. Then the passion might flow.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 17-04-2015 3:42pm

bobbyj946 wrote: »

If your committed to the relationship, then perhaps you need to concentrate on her first, what makes her happy, go that extra mile to impress. I'm not taking expensive gestures like holidays, jewellery or anything else that can be bought, thoughtfull gestures customised for her, things which show you really care and understand her. Then the passion might flow.

He's been with her TWO YEARS.

Do you really think she's been holding back due to him not doing nice gestures?

If he IS doing nice things already, then its another mark of how ridiculous she's being.

If he ISN'T doing nice things for her, then she's a fool for staying with him and he has to question why he's with someone he doesn't want to treat well.

---

This still in no way resolves anything for the OP. He's still in a manipulative, sexless relationship.

bobbyj946 · 17-04-2015 4:24pm

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

He's been with her TWO YEARS.

Do you really think she's been holding back due to him not doing nice gestures?

People stay in relationships all the time that they are never fully committed to. It can be easier to keep going that to cut clean, especially in your mid thirties. Couple that with her belief of waiting for marriage and i can easily see why you can get stuck in limbo.

So to answer your question, yes I do think that is a possibility.

And so we're clear what I see as being held back is passion and the strong desire for intimacy, not sex. Sex is held back by her beliefs which is none of our business to question.

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

He's still in a manipulative, sexless relationship.

You cannot deduce manipulative from anything the OP has said.

17-04-2015 4:29pm

flipit12 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replys.

I had a feeling the comments about her being selfish and manipulative would appear which is understandable but she really isnt like that.
...
. she doesnt know or wont learn to touch or pleasure me.

It's a lot to risk on a maybe when she won't learn anything like this before either. And when she has an "ew, squick" attitude to anything messy. That will rub off on you and make you feel ick too for something that's natural

Maybe it could work. Personally I've seen too many threads where the men or women are absolutely miserable and wish they'd never even met their spouses because they won't have sex, they won't address it, they won't see a counsellor, nada.

Chucky the tree · 17-04-2015 5:41pm

A lot of manipulative and selfish people aren't actually manipulative and selfish deliberately. It's very often an unconscious action. But it still happens because they want something so much and they value their own happiness over someone else's. For example OP your behaviour could be construed as being manipulative and selfish. Your girlfriend has clearly stated that she doesn't like blowjobs or sex before marriage - yet you admit

I have tried everything to make her understand but its no good.

Now you glossed it over and put nice presentable ribbon on it but what this actually means is "I've tried really hard to force her into doing sex stuff I enjoy despite the fact I know she hates it." I should clarify I don't think you are manipulative and selfish person, I think you're just someone who knows what he likes and you need that to make you happy. Basically you're a normal person like the rest of us. The problem is your girlfriend has polar opposite opinion to sex that you do.

As it stands I think your relationships is toxic. You are both sabotaging your own true happiness because you're both forcing yourselves to stay together when you really shouldn't be together.

Liminz · 17-04-2015 7:47pm

nc19 wrote: »

From a woman's poverty why do you feel some women turn out like this??

They don't fancy their husbands and often times they never really did.

Liminz · 17-04-2015 8:11pm

flipit12 wrote: »

There seems to be a lot of folk who know a lot of folk who are in happy sexless relationships.

@cant log in, I don't understand what you mean about my view of sex? I have a healthy view of sex and how it should be. As I've said I am happy to wait to have intercourse but the problem is that she doesn't know or I don't know how she would be when married. She has said she looks forward to the day when she will have sex so she is not completely lacking in libido, but when she can barely pleasure me now. It will hardly change.

@bobby, she says she loves me , I believe her. Can I ask, does your girlfriend pleasure you, does she know how to? Is she turned off by the mess etc? I can't even sleep naked as she is too worried about sheets!

Is she attracted to you?

orthsquel · 17-04-2015 8:30pm

Are ye generally quite an affectionate couple? Is it you or her that initiates it? Do you communicate about what you like sexually? Does she talk about what she would like to try out? And when you have experimented sexually with eachother do you communicate what you like, or instruct her on how you like things and vice versa ? Given her limited experience, does she ask for guidance from you, or anything like that?

flipit12 wrote: »

I have always struggled to meet girls and have relationship. I could go another 10yrs before i meet someone like her.

You mention you are scared to end the relationship and would kick yourself if she turned out to be someone very passionate in bed or interested in exploring sex. But I think with the above quote from your opening posts you are willing to settle for a sexless relationship because of struggling to meet someone. I've often cited reasons to myself why - based on my own past relationships - there are some things I won't compromise on or settle for and those reasons have included intimacy and sexual chemistry and sexual attraction, amongst other fairly mundane things, like I wouldn't settle for someone who 95% of the time have a brilliant, fulfilling relationship with amazing chemistry but 5% of the time would have no problem putting me down or trample all over my self esteem. That I won't settle for.

In your case it's a 50-50 gamble as to what sex will be like post wedding day. That is going to depend on her level of interest in sex generally, and that's where my questions at the start of my post come in. She should be able to give you some sort of indication on interest alone, or being able to communicate with you, or given her limited experience, learn what you like and don't like or learn how to give oral sex or the erogenous zones and be willing to at least give something a chance. Even if she is expressing some sort of interest in her masturbation preferences or general discussions about turn ons.

If she is stuck in the fact that sperm or vaginal discharge on the sheets is too ick to cope with than I would wonder, personally myself in your situation, if that is ick, then what is baby poo in the nappy to her, or baby puke? Is that the same kind of ick, or a grossness of a different kind to her?

Edit: I don't think this is just about a sexless marriage or not; it is also the gamble of trust in a marriage with a leap of faith that may and is possibly likely to be a sexless one that otherwise checks all the boxes except this really important box that really matters to you Vs struggle to meet someone and being fearful of being alone. I think the reason why you will go on to marry her is that latter part, being afraid of being alone and having previously struggled to meet someone. Because you almost have it, and it's safer and more secure for you to marry her, even if that means no sex. And I think you should really ask yourself what your primary motivation to getting married to her is and sit on the answer for a while.

keithclancy · 17-04-2015 9:19pm

If you expect things to 'change' when you get married, then marriage is wrong for you.

That is all.

charlietheminxx · 19-04-2015 8:43am

I think it's fair enough if someone has religious views and wants to abstain from full sex before marriage, but that doesn't seem to be the crux of the issue with this woman OP.

Naked men aren't icky, being naked in a bed with someone, your first thought shouldn't be "Jesus, the sheets!". It could be that her sex drive is completely absent, but you haven't really given us enough to go on. Does she become aroused through physical affection? Do you perform hand stimulation on her and does she seem to enjoy it? If the answer is no, I would be walking away because you're just not sexually compatible.

The problem is that when religious abstaining is involved, the person who has never had a sex life might not consider sexual compatibility as a massive criteria for a relationship. That means that she might love all other aspects of you, but doesn't feel that inexplicable sexual charge with you and since she's never had sex, she doesn't realise what a problem that it or how much that matters in a relationship.

OP I am a woman, and I don't think my self esteem could handle someone thinking my genitalia were gross or messy or something that needs to be covered up in bed. When I am with my boyfriend, even if we are not having sex I just love admiring his body and cuddling him naked, because I love every damn inch of the man. Do you not think you deserve someone who literally feels "yayyy" when they see you naked instead of distaste? Experienced or not, a healthy mature woman shouldn't be disgusted by any aspect of the male form.

If you marry this woman and she's not literally dying to rip your clothes off, then losing her virginity probably won't do much for either of you, because it can be unpleasant and uncomfortable even when you are 100% ready for it and in the moment. If you're not, the discomfort and mess might turn her off even more do.

I know I wouldn't risk spending my life with someone who probably doesn't want to have sex with me, it would be a deal breaker. Only you can decide if you could settle for that long term OP, personally I think you deserve better but you need to weigh it up and decide for yourself.

LegacyUser · 19-04-2015 3:04pm

Thanks again for the replys.
To try answer the questions above.
When we first met , we would see each other at the weekends. I couldnt keep my hands off her. was always touching her, wanting to kiss her etc, as is the norm when you start a relationship. It was really difficult to turn her on, plus like ive been saying she wouldnt pleasure me. I have tried to show her how i like to be touched etc but its no good.
There have been moments when she would get really turned on, maybe once every 5/6 weeks. Those times she might touch me more intimately. I know what she likes. She has told me and i have no problem doing what she likes but its all one way. I know this makes her sound terribly selfish but its just how she is. so there is some passion inside her.
It was about a year and half into it that she came to a therapist with me but she was never going to stick it out so after that i kinda gave up. Dont touch her unless im really horny. She wonders then why im not affectionate to her.
Affection to her is just you normal cuddling up on the couch type stuff, holding hands etc. But that stuff should lead to the other heavier stuff!
Anyway we have broken up this weekend. Hopefully i wont spend my life regretting this!

thegreatgonzo · 19-04-2015 3:09pm

flipit12 wrote: »

She is in her mid 30's and is a traditional/religious type
.

Referring to your girlfriend as 'a type' indicates to me you are incompatible. personally I would hate to be described in such distant sounding terms by my boyfriend.
She has been honest with you about what she wants and what she doesn't want, you should be talking to her about what kind of future you can have together.
As good as the advice in PI is about most things I don't think there is much understanding here towards people who choose celibacy, I've noticed a rush to accuse women of being manipulative in this and another thread recently.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 19-04-2015 4:02pm

flipit12 wrote: »

Anyway we have broken up this weekend. Hopefully i wont spend my life regretting this!

Congrats OP and I sincerely doubt you'll look back on this with regret.

Stavro Mueller · 19-04-2015 5:31pm

OP, nobody can say for sure that you won't regret this. For what it's worth though, I think you have dodged a bullet. From what you've told us, it doesn't look like you and her were ever going to have a fulfilling physical relationship even with a ring on her finger. We've mentioned the threads here from miserable married men whose wives won't have sex with them. They didn't heed the warning signs before they married and found themselves trapped with one or two kids and decades of celibacy in front of them. Was this a warning sign? Nobody can say for sure but my gut tells me it was.

Someone earlier in the thread wondered was your ex settling for you. It's a thought. I also wonder were you settling for her because you said that you've always found it hard to meet girls yourself? You sound like a nice guy so I hope you meet Miss Right soon and imperil chandeliers everywhere

DaisyD2 · 19-04-2015 8:16pm

flipit12 wrote: »

Anyway we have broken up this weekend. Hopefully i wont spend my life regretting this!

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but this is honestly the most healthy outcome you could have in this relationship.

It was a Friends with No Benefits situation, mourn the loss of the company then move on & you will find what you desire

highly1111 · 19-04-2015 8:50pm

flipit12 wrote: »

Thanks again for the replys.
To try answer the questions above.
When we first met , we would see each other at the weekends. I couldnt keep my hands off her. was always touching her, wanting to kiss her etc, as is the norm when you start a relationship. It was really difficult to turn her on, plus like ive been saying she wouldnt pleasure me. I have tried to show her how i like to be touched etc but its no good.
There have been moments when she would get really turned on, maybe once every 5/6 weeks. Those times she might touch me more intimately. I know what she likes. She has told me and i have no problem doing what she likes but its all one way. I know this makes her sound terribly selfish but its just how she is. so there is some passion inside her.
It was about a year and half into it that she came to a therapist with me but she was never going to stick it out so after that i kinda gave up. Dont touch her unless im really horny. She wonders then why im not affectionate to her.
Affection to her is just you normal cuddling up on the couch type stuff, holding hands etc. But that stuff should lead to the other heavier stuff!
Anyway we have broken up this weekend. Hopefully i wont spend my life regretting this!

You sound like a really nice guy OP and I think you've made the right call. Often we think its pervy to want sex (how Irish!) - its not. I think that sexless couples cannot be fully happy (that or they don't know what they're missing!) with such an essential part of a fulfilling relationship missing. I think you should go out now and have A LOT of fun!

Help with my relationship.

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