Online dating!

LegacyUser · 11-04-2015 11:49am #1

So met one guy for coffee, grand, got along well.Asked me on a date. Then a few days later says he can't afford it.l say no problem I will pay for dinner. He then says he wouldn't feel comfortable at all so I suggested cinema and again said I would pay for it but he said no he would.

All grand and all organized during the week. Went to meet him and he says he has no money and can't go!. He then tells me that during the wk he was at City West Frozen thing with daughter on Wed and also tattoo removal Sat. All costing over 100 euro.

I suggested cinema as cheaper and even said I would pay. I know he has a mortgage and kids etc. I told him he should have told me he didn't have any money.

It was strange though cos all wk, he was asking what time to meet him, what time movie is on etc..

I never go on dates with guys with kids and this was the first time.
I don't have anything against kids but I understand they will always come first.

I may be a bit harsh but thought it was an actual date.

Tokyo · 11-04-2015 4:36pm

vitara wrote: »

He then tells me that during the wk he was at City West Frozen thing with daughter on Wed and also tattoo removal Sat. All costing over 100 euro.

It's more than likely that both of these things had been arranged in advance - tattoo removal is something he could have scheduled months beforehand, and it's likely that he had bought tickets to 'Frozen' for his daughter, long before he arranged a date with you.

Point is, there's a very good chance that he was interested in going on a date with you, and realised that he didn't have the disposable income to follow through on it, coupled with old fashioned values that wouldn't allow him to have his date paid for by you.

The reality is though that his responsibilities aren't going to change - his daughter and mortgage and such are going to be his priority, as they should be, and this situation will most likely repeat again. Whether you want that to be a regular part of your life is up to you - if it's not, then now is the time to walk away.

Dolly Daydreams · 11-04-2015 8:45pm

to be honest, I'd kind of stop suggesting now to pay for stuff.. If he's that interested in meeting up again he can suggest other options that don't cost as much as dinner & cinema (which is a fair whack these days).

Such as another coffee or if it's a nice day a trip to a park with some lunch or something?

I'd see if he suggests meeting up again, and if he flakes, or has no money and isn't open to cost free options, i'd move on OP.

LegacyUser · 11-04-2015 11:49pm

OP: for a man to feel like a man, it is emasculating for him for you to pay. It makes you less attractive to him when you offer to pay. Best thing in this scenario is to chalk it down to experience and never offer again, or at maximum pay your own way. That's just the way it is. Unfortunately , though people say it (money)shouldn't matter, it does. Don't overthink the fact that he was spending elsewhere, those expenses could easily have been taxing the car for example, and not in the pot for dating. If I were you I'd move on.
Best of luck!

IlmoNT4 · 12-04-2015 10:08am

Why such expensive dates? Cant you meet up for a coffee and a walk around town or something?

Most guys do not feel cool about telling a date they have no money and I think OP you might have pushed it a little. He's interested in meeting up with you, do something for free, check out Dublins Free event guide, heaps and heaps of free things to do.

See if he would like to meet up again, and say nothing about money. If he flakes then get out of there.

I'm a firm believer in everyone paying their own way but I've dated men who feel like you are trying to undermine them when you pay half and I've dated men who get the calculator out. For you, long term OP, if you have disposable income and he does not thats going to be an issue. If you have lots of free time and he does not because he has a child then this may also become an issue for you both.

The other way of looking at this, do you think he asked you out and then didnt want to go on the date and just made up that he had no money hoping you would say OK no date?

LegacyUser · 12-04-2015 10:38am

He def didn't make it up.
He has already asked me out again and has done each time before we part.
I am not rolling in it or anything but obviously don't have mortgage or kids.
I do have a lot more free time on my hands than him and he sees his daughter every wknd.
He is a nice guy but I agree with mike, kid, mortgage are his priorities.
Anyway I will meet him again and see how it goes. I have never dated anyone with kids so it's all very new to me.

tara73 · 12-04-2015 11:35am

vitara wrote: »

It was strange though cos all wk, he was asking what time to meet him, what time movie is on etc..
.

see, online dating or in general meeting people on the internet could be a frustrating thing because there are, unfortunately, many people out there with weird issues.
some people are just looking for attention and strangely get it just from mail responses. so this guy might be one of them, keeping you on the line, but never really wants to meet up.
just my guess, but it sounds like it from what you write.

ash23 · 12-04-2015 11:47am

A friend of mine went to frozen thing with her kids. Popcorn was €9 and candyfloss was €12.

Quite possibly he wasn't expecting that and was just wiped financially after it.

Cinema for two is the guts of €50 if you get snacks. Most men prefer to pay for the first date or at least split the cost.

I'd suggest as others have said, a date for a coffee or a trip to museum etc. I wouldn't keep offering to pay when he says he can't afford it. It's emasculating but it's also a really bad precedence to set.

I'm a single parent dating a single parent. When we were dating he paid the first couple of times, then we went Dutch and then he started letting me treat him on occasion. Now it's pretty 50/50 in terms of paying but I know initially he wanted to feel like he was treating me.
Its old fashioned and you offering to pay shouldn't really be an issue but I think some things are engrained and won't ever really change.

ash23 · 12-04-2015 11:50am

Just to add, if he let you down last minute then that's rude - money or no money, he should have let you know in advance and rescheduled.
Suggest another date, low cost. And if he flakes on you again then move on

LegacyUser · 12-04-2015 10:14pm

He arranged to meet me at the cinema and that's where we met!
I was annoyed he asked me to him there if weren't going but anyway such is life.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2015 7:39am

He also has a baby a few months old. I definitely think I'm better off out of this.
I was honest with him at beginning and told him I have never dated anyone with kids.

Buona Fortuna · 13-04-2015 10:05am

Hi Vitara, seeing your last post above - you are probably the best judge

Just on the money thing, I agree with everyone else that its a bit too soon in the relationship to jump in to offer to pay. We (men) can be a bit funny about that.

There was some good advice above about doing really cheap (like coffee) or free. Maybe suggest/bring a picnic - it could be fun especially while we have the fine weather.

Wish you all the best Vitara.

Stavro Mueller · 13-04-2015 10:18am

vitara wrote: »

He also has a baby a few months old. I definitely think I'm better off out of this..

A baby only a few months old. Are you even sure he's not still married?

Anyway looks like you've made up your mind so hopefully you'll meet someone better.

normanbates · 13-04-2015 10:23am

vitara wrote:

I may be a bit harsh but thought it was an actual date.

vitara wrote:

I suggested cinema as cheaper and even said I would pay. I know he has a mortgage and kids etc. I told him he should have told me he didn't have any money.

vitara wrote:

All grand and all organized during the week. Went to meet him and he says he has no money and can't go!. He then tells me that during the wk he was at City West Frozen thing with daughter on Wed and also tattoo removal Sat. All costing over 100 euro.

Probably can't get away from his wife.

castaway_lady · 13-04-2015 8:42pm

Id run! Or at least date a few more people simultaneously so you're not overthinking or overdepending on this one. That sounds like a LOT of baggage.

IlmoNT4 · 13-04-2015 9:00pm

A baby thats a few months old....and hes out dating other women...Thats a big life changing event and hes trying to start a new relationship with someone else. Doesnt sound very self aware.

I'd be stepping away OP

ninwilky · 14-04-2015 2:55am

I can't speak for anyone with kids, and I've personally never felt the emasculating thing, although I can see that it would for some.

What I would say is that you need to ask yourself would you be happy having your own family right now? If not, it's not a good idea to take on somebody elses. It might sound harsh but it's not fair to you, him, and most of all the kids.

Secondly, if money was an issue, why could he not just chill out with you in the park or go to a free gallery or something? Personally, if I want to see someone and they're willing to compromise, we'll find away around money/weather/etc

davmol · 15-04-2015 3:09pm

Leggit! Leggit real fast.

LegacyUser · 15-04-2015 6:54pm

Yeah agree.

Est28 · 16-04-2015 5:19am

Reading way too much into things OP.
The guy isn't showing enough interest, move on.
It's online dating, people are flakey.

Online dating!

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