all over the place!

LegacyUser · 22-11-2014 10:42pm #1

So heres a bit of background. In a ltr and have 2 kids. Baby is 6 mths old and theres not been much action in the bedroom in that time. Just too tired after long days with the babies. We havent had a night out alone since baby was born either.
In middle of buying a house which is dragging on now close to 8mths and we had to move back with my parents at the start of the process.
My mother died last month. Im in complete denial s and feel im blocking it out. Im all over the place. Im struggling with the kids all day dealing with my grief, my father s and the rest of the family who are constantly calling. So really I don't have time to grieve so maybe my brain is putting it on hold.
We are to finally sign papers on house next week and I have my siblings on at me to stay with my father. I have the guilt of leaving him alone. My partner is ok but dont think he gets id like some time alone as I havent had a minute to myself in weeks.
I finally met some friends last night went out got drunk and kissed a guy. Not just once but 3 different times. Wentno further than that but tbh I dont feel very guilty. I haven't told him and dont think I will. Im bored and just needed to be free for a bit I think. I dont eben know what im asking but do you think it was just a crazy time or could it mean more? I really love my partner and cant see myself without him.

LLMMML · 23-11-2014 12:15am

If you don't feel guilty then you don't feel guilty an nothing anybody says here will make you feel guilty. But from an objective point of view, do you acknowledge that you've done something wrong, i.e. Cheated on your partner? You only seem to be considering yourself here.

LegacyUser · 23-11-2014 8:09pm

I do acknowledge I did something wrong and I am feeling guilty now but its like I was someone else. I honestly don't know what's going on with me. Im finding it hard to grieve and I just feel im in a self destruct mode. Eating shocking smoking drinking a lot.
I think it was getting the attention from that guy that I couldn't resist..

skallywag · 24-11-2014 12:54pm

clockalarm wrote: »

... partner is ok but dont think he gets id like some time alone as I havent had a minute to myself in weeks ...

Well he certainly may not be so understanding if he knew what you were getting up to during yeer time apart?!

I think you need to get grief counselling.

Stavro Mueller · 24-11-2014 2:00pm

I think you need to tell everyone to back off and give you some space. Everyone handles grief in their own way and you're entitled to deal with it in the way you see fit.

tinz18 · 24-11-2014 2:32pm

clockalarm wrote: »

I have my siblings on at me to stay with my father. I have the guilt of leaving him alone.

This part really stuck out for me. Why are your siblings leaving this responsibility at your feet? You have your own life (and soon your own house) so they can't expect you to continue to put your life on hold because of what happened- it will hinder your healing process and perhaps your dad's too. Will you be living far from your home house?

Hopefully having the house sorted will remove one stress factor off you and maybe you'll finally find the time to accept your grief. I definitely agree with skallywag that counselling would help- that destructive pattern happened me after my cousin died. I dissociated from life and hit bottom soon after-counselling helped me build myself back up.

One thing I did that I think helped me from making too many regrettable mistakes will I was grieving-I gave up booze until I got my life back together. I found alcohol made the dissociation worse and tanked my mood every time even with one drink. I still went out with my friends while staying sober but I acknowledged that drink only made my problems worse and would hinder my grieving and I knew I'd hide behind alcohol if I did something I was ashamed of.

Tell everyone that you need time to grieve and that you're overloaded, back away from people who are adding pressure to your life (back off but don't cut off- its a temporary measure until you're back on your feet). Often people don't realize how much pressure they're putting on you. In the case of your siblings it sounds like they're so wrapped up in their own grief they don't realize how selfish it is to expect you to put your life on hold and stay living with your dad.

As for the kissing the other guy I don't know what to recommend to you. You don't sound like you've your head on straight though so I'd go to counselling and talk it through there before you make a decision what to do about it. I definitely would avoid situations where it could happen again- believe me I know the rush of a stranger showering attention can temporarily make your problems go away but tbh for me it led to me kicking myself when I had recovered and started living again.

Chucky the tree · 24-11-2014 6:27pm

Why not split up with the husband OP or at least tell him the truth? He deserves the chance to find someone who'll treat him better.

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I think you need to tell everyone to back off and give you some space. Everyone handles grief in their own way and you're entitled to deal with it in the way you see fit.

Not sure the husband would agree with that.

Hannibal Smith · 24-11-2014 7:49pm

Sorry about your mum. Your head sounds wrecked abd you're probably not in the best place to be making the best judgment calls.

Have a talk with your dad and see what he wants. Im sure he can set your mind at ease about moving into your new home.

Was the kiss with the other guy just a bad judgment call under a mountain of pressure or down to something more in your relationship. I know in the early days with kids sometimes, depending on how the kid sleeps, you can lose sight of your own relationship...is it just a case of putting more effort into that or do you think the relationship has fizzled out?

LegacyUser · 24-11-2014 10:32pm

I noticed a number of things from your post so I will give advice on each

a) You kissed a man when you were on a night out and had a few drinks.
This man made you feel like a woman again and having a few drinks lowers your inhibitions.
I would put this down to a bad experience and stop drinking as you don't want this happening again. If your depressed drinking will only make you feel worse.

b) In regards to your partner - it is hard when you have a baby and another small child.
Your tired at the end of the day so you don't feel like sex.
Get your father to mind the children one night and go out for a meal. Talk to your partner and tell him that your upset after your mother's death. I would then say to him that you need him to mind the children for half an hour each day so you can go for a walk and get some bit of a brake. I would also try to get a few hours off over an odd weekend - even if it is just meeting a friend for coffee child free it gives you something to look forward to.
Happy mammy = happy partner and a happy children.

c) In regards to father would he be able to mind himself ie could he cook a dinner, use the washing machine ect. If he can't do this or tells you to do this for him I would say to him Dad I am going to show you how to do this. I would then say to him you need to do this when I leave here. If he is not a great cook show him the basics and work from there. Get your partner to mind the children and bring him grocery shopping. Give him plenty of encouragement and tell him that your mother would be proud of him.

d) In regards to your siblings the next time they call to the house ask them to mind your children when you go for a walk. When you come back I would tell them we will be moving out of here soon and that you can't wait to move into your new home.
If they complain I would say to them I have had a horrible 12 months but I can't put my life on hold to suit the rest of you. The reality is that once your living at home they don't have to worry about your father or put themselves out to help him now your mother has died.

The reality is that you have had lot to deal with over the past few months so no wonder your all over the place. You need to stand up for yourself with the family or you will end up minding your father long term. Nobody minds looking after a parent but I have seen how in some families one person is left doing it all unless they stand up for themselves.
I hope you are very happy in your new home.

JRant · 25-11-2014 1:06pm

If you truely love your husband then you can not sign for the house.

You're letting your husband walk into the biggest financial commitment of his life and he hasn't got a clue what he's letting himself in for.

Stop hiding behind excuses and take ownership of your issues.

Get professional help to deal with your grief but don't use it as a crutch to excuse treating your husband so appallingly.

all over the place!

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