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Advice needed... BADLY!

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  • 18-11-2014 8:19pm
    #1
    tomandjerry14
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭


    Background:
    Went out with a guy for four years. He ended up cheating on me and treating me like dirt on his shoes before, during and after the break up. He was my entire world. I had my own friends and he had his but when we got together the outside world didn't exist. He was my first everything (well mostly) and I was his.

    To date that was nearly four years ago that we broke up. I have always kinda kept in contact with him. Kinda. I am about to begin a career which I know he hates. I don't care what he thinks about it.

    I have been single since we broke up, he hasn't. I have had someone come into my life and my own fault he left because I was a cold bitch because I was too afraid and still am to let anyone close to me as I was really badly hurt the last time and literally put to hell and back.

    Anyways back to my ex. He says we'll go to the cinema. I try to arrange it. He ignores me for days/weeks. This used to drive me nuts. This week we arranged to go to the cinema when he wasn't working. So since yesterday he hasn't replied to my whats app or snapchats. I know he has read them!!! Again he knows this would drive me nuts!!

    Should I listen to my own head and just tell him to f*&k off the next time he gets in contact but my heart still misses him slighty but I know he's bad news.

    Has anyone got any advice for me on what to do or how to deal with this situation because I really am sick of it after 4 years!


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    #2
    lollsangel
    Registered Users Posts: 473 ✭✭lollsangel


    Until you totally break contact with your ex, youll never be free. Ask yourself why doss it bothrr you he doesnt reply to your messages? If you have no feelings for him it wouldn't matter


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    #3
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Don't even bother saying anything to him. Delete his number, block him on all social media, don't even wait around to listen to his excuses.
    He's not even a friend to you anymore, what positive impact is he having on your life? Now, compare that list (or lack thereof) to how he negatively affects you. He really is not worth your time or energy.


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    #4
    Gongoozler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,263 ✭✭✭Gongoozler


    I'm not seeing any reason why you're continuing to try see him. I'm really confused. You admit yourself that he was a dick to you and has done nothing redeeming since you broke up.... So why are you even at this point?

    Cut contact, find some.. I dunno friends to go to the cinema with and forget about him.


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    #5
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    He is never going to treat you properly. He is never going to apologise. He is never going to be a nice guy.

    So stop waiting for that to happen.


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    #6
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Sever all ties. The relationship might be over for four years, but in many ways he's still controlling you. That's not going to change until he's out of your life once and for all.


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    #7
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Why are you still bothering with him? Seriously, cut all ties. He doesn't care about you and he sounds like a scumbag. Don't contact him again and don't respond if he contacts you.


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    #8
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    OP, after you "split" from this guy did you try to reconnect with your old friends or build up a social life for yourself again? Because you sound like you're still awfully dependent on this guy. I don't think you are being honest with yourself when you say you've "kinda" kept in contact with him and that you don't care what he thinks about you starting a new career. I think you very much care what he thinks. Also, you have never properly cut the cord with him, have you? Let's not forget. It's FOUR YEARS since you broke up and you're still hung up on him. No, scrub that. You've been hung up on him for eight years (the four you were together and the four you've been split up). That is far too much headspace to have given someone who you admit yourself treated you like dirt.

    I suggest you cut contact with him immediately. You are very hung up on him and as has been mentioned, he is still controlling you. I also think you could do with going to chat with a counsellor to get all this off your chest and to help you gain some perspective on this. That you can't see why it's wrong to still be in contact with a nasty ex like this and are still emotionally involved in the way you are goes to show how wrong this is


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    #9
    Starokan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭Starokan


    People like your ex can cause a lot of damage by constantly making you second guess yourself, make you question your worth etc. He still has his hooks in you, he's wrecking your head basically but you are allowing him to do it. Just block and ignore, every second you waste on him is a second you will never get back


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP,

    I can honestly relate to you so much with your story and my heart goes out to you because its a horrible situation to be in. I had a similar story (for 4 years also) with a guy that trampled on my heart and has made me insecure when it comes to guys ever since.

    He claimed he was hurt in the past by his ex but that he was totally over her and didn't want to be with anybody but me. In hindsight he only wanted to be with me when he couldn't have me then bolted the moment I gave him some attention. We would make plans and he would disappear only to return a few weeks later with blah blah excuses.

    I don't know was I naive or caught up in the whole situation but I let him come back too many times - I think each time I thought it would be different and that I would regret if I didn't give him a chance. Anyway, long story short - a few weeks after he disappeared for the final time, one weekend I was out with friends and I saw him coupled up with the psycho ex who he said he no longer had feelings for (they have since moved in together and are engaged!!!).

    My advice to you is - this is a toxic situation and you will suffer psychologically from it and it may impact on future relationships with genuine guys. I know how hard it is but you need to make a conscious effort to delete messages, his number, facebook contact etc. The less you see of him in your every day life it gets easier. I thought I would never get over my ex....3 years later, the very thought of him turns my stomach. Its so easy for others to say this but time is a healer - maybe seeing my ex with his ex after all he said was the final nail in the coffin and it made it easier for me to see him for who he really was, I'm not sure but my heart goes out to you.

    I'm now seeing this new guy and for the first time in years I'm slowly opening up to him but its taken so long which is why you need to cut this soon or you will drive yourself insane. I hope it all works out for you and sorry for the long post! xx


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    #11
    tomandjerry14
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭tomandjerry14


    Thanks for all your advice. I do know that he is controlling and he has this hold over me that I know I need to break, but I didn't know how to go about it. I have changed my number, email, everything and he still managed to find it in the past.

    I have always had my social life apart from him. I kept my friends separate on most occasions except for balls, weddings, etc, the usual.

    I have and have had no issues going out and hanging out with my friends, its when I get messages off him I doubt everything and I act like an idiot!! When I reply a few hours later I'm mad at myself for giving him the 30 seconds it took to reply!!

    I am going to take all your advice. Everything is blocked as from about ten minutes ago! :) I think I just needed to hear it from others that I don't know!

    Cheers guys!


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    #12
    Saralee4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Saralee4


    This guy sounds like he is just using you. It validates him to know he still can get you but when it comes to it, hes not really interested in friendship or rekindling. The best thing you can do is to stay away and live a good life. Look after yourself. When a new relationship comes along, try to see how it really makes you feel.

    Real lasting relationships make you feel loved, secure and better about yourself. Sounds like this guy would not be very good for anyones self esteem and like as though youd be grateful to pick up a crumb of attention from him.

    Too many times we see people stay in those kind of relationships, i think often the women or mans self esteem has been so broken by the other person that the woman or man feels that they need so much to be accepted by the other. When they get little gestures of acceptence it brings a "high" to the person but shortly later they will do something to make you low again and thats how these relationships cycle.

    You need to stop that cycle because you are the one who is getting anything from the relationship. He is getting the control that he craves but he is willing to do that at your expense by messing with you.

    Sounds like you have made up your mind op. The hard part now is sticking to it.


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    #13
    Saralee4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Saralee4


    This guy sounds like he is just using you. It validates him to know he still can get you but when it comes to it, hes not really interested in friendship or rekindling. The best thing you can do is to stay away and live a good life. Look after yourself. When a new relationship comes along, try to see how it really makes you feel.

    Real lasting relationships make you feel loved, secure and better about yourself. Sounds like this guy would not be very good for anyones self esteem and like as though youd be grateful to pick up a crumb of attention from him.

    Too many times we see people stay in those kind of relationships, i think often the women or mans self esteem has been so broken by the other person that the woman or man feels that they need so much to be accepted by the other. When they get little gestures of acceptence it brings a "high" to the person but shortly later they will do something to make you low again and thats how these relationships cycle.

    You need to stop that cycle because you are the one who is getting anything from the relationship. He is getting the control that he craves but he is willing to do that at your expense by messing with you.

    Sounds like you have made up your mind op. The hard part now is sticking to it.


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    #14
    K.Flyer
    Registered Users Posts: 8,565 ✭✭✭K.Flyer


    Oryx wrote: »
    He is never going to treat you properly. He is never going to apologise. He is never going to be a nice guy.

    So stop waiting for that to happen.

    And in addition to this ^^^
    You Are Never Going To Change Him!
    Ever!


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    #15
    BmCon
    Registered Users Posts: 88 ✭✭BmCon


    I bet he loves the fact that you will got out with him to the cinema and whatever.

    Stop wishing he changes and change yourself.

    Go find another guy / guys / football team or whatever and after you have had fun without him then tell him to **** off.

    Don't be afraid of being hurt learn to move on if things don't workout. I can't stand these game player who think that's how women want it.

    A nice guy will do things wrong like make you mad, piss you off and even forget your birthday but he will always be glad to hear from you if likes/loves you.

    Forget about him and go find a normal nice guy who is not a game playing p***k.

    :) xx


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    #16
    missjm
    Registered Users Posts: 268 ✭✭missjm


    I don't understand why you even maintain contact with this guy. From what you describe he wasn't very nice to you and mistreated you in the end. Why was he deserving of your friendship afterwards? Cut all ties now or you're never going to move on. After 4 years you are still letting this guy live in your brain rent free....


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    #17
    Pinkmoon19
    Registered Users Posts: 286 ✭✭Pinkmoon19


    Hi OP,

    How on earth have you put up with this for 4 years? Your confidence must be on the floor.

    Jeez I was seeing a guy for around 3 months and everytime that little Blue tick came up on whatsapp and he ignored me my heart sank a little bit further. I cut it off to protect myself. You've been doing this for 4 years? You poor thing.

    Are you holding out some sort of hope that you're going to get back together?

    Ask yourself would any of your girlfriends treat you like this? Would you treat any of your girlfriends like this? He's not your friend. Cut him out completely, he is only bringing negativity into your life.

    I guarantee you that within a few months your confidence will go through the roof and you'll be much more receptive to other male attention.


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