Breaking up a LTR - feel horrible but need to do it. Help.

LegacyUser · 02-03-2015 5:20pm #1

I've been in a LTR with someone for some years, won't say exactly but >6. We both live together and work full time. We are late 20's.

Basically I've been having doubts about the relationship for a while and I do not want to continue in it. I'm wracked with guilt and fear because she loves me and I hate that I will devastate her but I understand that I must be cruel to be kind.
Recently we had a fight over a relatively minor issue, she got v. angry and I said I wanted to break up. She cried a lot and I said I didn't love her (hardest thing I ever had to say) and I was devastated watching her cry.
She can be a difficult person to be around, gets jealous easily and gets angry at me over small things. My home life feels micro-managed in every aspect. I feel on edge all the time around her.

I blame myself for so much. I too often back down for the sake of an easy life. I feel I should have done this already but it is so horrible to do. Eventually as the evingin of this bust up wore on she became so distressed she begged me not to go and to try again. Out of tiredness I, like the coward I am, I eventually caved to the pleas and agreed to try again. Thing is I warned that I did not want to give her hope. I feel like such an asshole.

One thing I couldn't answer was why I didn't love her. I don't know I just don't feel it is all but she won't accept it not having a concrete reason. My reason is that I'm just out of love with her, is that not a justifiable reason? I desperately want to move on and try to be happy even on my own for a while. I just know if I stay I won't be happy, it would be living a lie. It would also not be fair on her to stay just to avoid upsetting her.

One thing that worries me is that she is very isolated. Her family is in another city (she rarely sees them) and she basically has no social circle other than me. No friends she meets. Even to suggest she meets people or try to socialise with other people can set off a confrontation. If I were to just leave I would be worried for her. I think she has depression issues.

This sounds a mess but the reality is that my head is all over the place. This is my first LTR. I honestly think Im a coward and am too chicken **** to bite the bullet but I now know I just have to do it. For both our sakes.

I don't know what my question is, I suppose I'm just hoping for opinions from anyone who was in this situation before.

Lollipops23 · 02-03-2015 5:59pm

OP, you need to sit down and just calmly, but firmly explain that you feel you've grown apart and you want to be on your own. Don't play the blame game, be prepared for it to be really bloody hard. There is no easy way of doing it.

In terms of her isolation; she's a big girl. If you're really worried about her, perhaps contact someone she's close with (sister, best mate) and tell them she's in a bad way and you're concerned. Just because you're ending it, doesn't mean you're a bad person.

Katgurl · 02-03-2015 6:26pm

Yes you're in a horrible situation here and you know yourself what needs to be done.

You unfortunately have to bring it up again but this time while remaining kind you have to be firm. State clearly "it's over and I am sorry but I won't change my mind." As for her not being able to accept it without a solid reason, she is just going to have to.

I know you feel like a pig because she loves you, she hasn't done anything wrong and you care about her.

But remind yourself of this - staying with her and faking your feelings is NOT kind to her. If she persuades you to stay knowing you are settling you will resent her for it and then I guarantee you will lose respect for her and not treat her well and hate yourself.

Yes it is horrible to cause pain to another undeserving person but in this case it's the right thing to do.

I recommend you say to her that you need to talk so she can prepare herself. Then tell her calmly and kindly that your feelings have changed, it's nothing she has done but you don't want to be her boyfriend anymore. Be firm. None of this 'trial break' nonsense. Agree a timeframe for no contact after you've sorted your stuff (and get this done quickly).

Also, it's not your fault she has no friends.

If I sound heartless believe me I'm not, ive been on the receiving end of the above when I was your age and it hurt like hell. But I can tell you I got over it and after I did I appreciated that he had a right to leave me and hadn't messed me around.

LegacyUser · 02-03-2015 6:37pm

lollipops,

Thanks and I understand what you say. The thing is that she has no best friend outside of myself. She does not socialise with anyone, at least not that I know of. I find this very strange and have several times suggested that she meet other people.
She has her father whom she is on good terms with. She has a sister but I am not sure how close she is to her. She won't talk about her sister, I don't bring it up as it would cause a row. Thinking of it it is not possible to talk about any female as I feel there are jealousy issues and again I am worse for being compliant.

I have thought about contacting her father after making the break to tell him of my concern. I have an inkling she'd be furious if I contacted her family.

Stavro Mueller · 03-03-2015 12:19am

Be careful she doesn't try to get herself pregnant to trap you once she has time to think about this. From what you've written I wouldn't put it past her.

I think contacting her father would be a good idea if you're concerned about her. She doesn't have to know you were in contact and hopefully he'll respect that. People who turn their other half into the sole focus of their life happens more often than you'd think. It's not your fault that she chose to do this. Hopefully it'll be the jolt she needs to sort her life out. It's better that you don't have any specific reasons why you don't love her any more because she'd just seize on them and try to turn herself into something she's not.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2015 10:41am

Just to say she won’t get pregnant. I’ll leave it at that in that regard.

Her father is a good decent guy and I would be OK telling him but I just feel like I’d be interfering but I know it would be for the best.

During the recent confrontation when pressed for specific reasons why I fell out of love I just couldn’t think of anything solid and ended up giving relatively minor things she did as contributing. I think you’re right, she might be fixating on those now. I just don’t feel the same about her anymore. Is it normal for this to happen?

I know I won’t be happy if I stay but I’m so reluctant to devastate her this way after saying I’d try again. But to do so would obviously be worse as it’d only be forcing things.

Neyite · 03-03-2015 10:57am

distressedguy wrote: »

During the recent confrontation when pressed for specific reasons why I fell out of love I just couldn’t think of anything solid and ended up giving relatively minor things she did as contributing. I think you’re right, she might be fixating on those now. I just don’t feel the same about her anymore. Is it normal for this to happen?

Not being in love with her is a reason, and a very valid one. I've been in plenty of relationships where one of us has been in love and the other wasn't. It sucks to be on the receiving end of that break up but hindsight and being in the right relationship now makes me see it was the absolute correct thing to do at the time. She WILL get over it, absolutely, but it might take some time.

One-sided love probably the main reason for breakups. When your feelings will never deepen more than friendship for someone, then its not a relationship with any future. We can be friends with someone, we can fancy them physically and we can love them, but only all three make a lasting loving long term relationship. You have two of those, if that.

She will likely want to be friends at first. Friendship can happen when she is fully over you, she may want to keep up a lot of contact at first, ostensibly to remain friends but hoping you'll change your mind -but a clean break with no contact is kinder in the long run, like ripping off a bandage.

pookie82 · 03-03-2015 10:58am

It sounds a little odd that she's looking for concrete reasons as to why you've fallen out of love. People fall in and out of love all the time for reasons they can't quite explain. It's ok to say you're not sure WHY, you just know you're NOT. If she can't accept that then that's her own problem really. If someone told me repeatedly they didn't love me anymore, that would be enough for me. I wouldn't go asking the whys and wherefors, really. And in any case, if you DO list a few things which may have contributed, she'll just promise to change them and try to win you back around and you're in danger of giving in again for an easy life. Much better to be firm in the fact that there's no love left there and nothing to work on. End of story.

I don't know about the contacting her Dad bit. I wouldn't appreciate in her situation, even if he was a decent man. I'm very close to my Dad but I'd be mortified if a bf who was breaking up with me contacted him about it too! Her sister maybe, not her Dad.

It sounds bad but it's her own responsibility to find people to turn to when things go wrong. She has deliberately made you her sole point of contact for everything. It's no wonder the relationship has broken down, few people can sustain that kind of pressure.

In some ways it may teach her a valuable lesson about not basing her entire world around her other half in future. Sometimes these things need to be learned the hard way.

A reluctance to devastate someone is admirable, but it won't do you any good in this situation. If she's in her late 20s she's possibly looking down the line to marriage or family in the near future. Dragging her along for another 6 months to a year to avoid a tantrum is only damaging her as much as it is you. You can explain this to her as well... that it would be unfair of you to stay with her given she's not the person you want to be with.

No one is saying it will be easy, but these things never are. Stay firm, and I would suggest a complete break in contact for a while once the split is final. She could be the type who'll try to win you back with meet ups and coffees and late night emotional support calls after the event.

You're only kidding the both of you if you let that happen.

pookie82 · 03-03-2015 11:09am

distressedguy wrote: »

I just don’t feel the same about her anymore. Is it normal for this to happen?

To answer your question, yes, it is normal for this to happen. Unfortunately it happens every day, sometimes even when you think something is forever.

You can't help falling out of love any more than you can help falling IN love. It's the way you deal with it that makes you a good or bad person.

Honesty is the only way forward. The wrong thing to do would be to give in and stay with her, essentially leading her on when you know you've emotionally left the relationship long ago.

K_P · 03-03-2015 11:19am

distressedguy wrote: »

During the recent confrontation when pressed for specific reasons why I fell out of love I just couldn’t think of anything solid and ended up giving relatively minor things she did as contributing. I think you’re right, she might be fixating on those now. I just don’t feel the same about her anymore. Is it normal for this to happen?

This sounds like she's trying to deflect attention and get you bogged down in an utterly pointless exercise. Sometimes relationships end because of big dramatic issues like affairs. But most often, they end because two people have grown apart, have drifted, want different things out of life. It's sad, but it happens all the time.

You're doing the right thing OP. It'll be hard, but once it's done I can guarantee you'll know you've done the right thing.

Matteroffact · 03-03-2015 3:34pm

Just tell her the relationship has run its course. You have told her face to face and it didn't work, so this time you could write to her and specify a specific date when you will be leaving. This will give her time to compose herself before you both discuss this again.
Don't feel guilty because you owe it to yourself to move on if this is how you feel.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2015 6:58pm

All of what is said above makes sense to me. Thank you all for your advice.

Breaking the news to her again and explaining why I am leaving, that part I think I can handle. But the part that absolutely crushes my heart is when I have to stand up, turn around and walk out that door with my things. That I will be thinking of here there alone and isolated with her hopes smashed is a gut wrenching thought. It brings me close to tears typing this. Knowing I have to do it for both our sakes. I fear I won’t be able to do it and I’ll cave if she cries and begs me not to go. But I cannot stay, I know I won’t be happy. I basically feel I lack the strength to do it when emotions start to run high on both sides.

Her social isolation really bothers me too, but as some of you say it would seem there’s little to nothing I can do about it other than advise her to talk to her father or seek help.

I think that this is my first break up makes this even harder. I’m sorry if I come across as an incoherent mess, I don’t know what my question is here yet, there’s probably none and I am just airing my emotions. I suppose I’m sort of subconsciously hoping there’ll be some short cut or miracle technique to make this easier, but obviously that is just a silly notion.

I’ve been contemplating going to a counsellor myself to talk about it face to face with someone (you see I am sort of isolated too, I’ve lost touch with most close friends over the years) but I’d don’t know if counselling is just another excuse to delay the day of the inevitable. The earliest appointment I could get is in 2 weeks. Do any of you think going to a counsellor to talk about it would be helpful or would I be wasting my (and their) time.

Toots · 03-03-2015 11:45pm

It certainly wouldn't hurt going to a counsellor. Even if you break with her before then, the counsellor will be able to help you make sense of your feelings about the breakup, and talk through any worries you have. The only thing I'll say is would there be any other counsellor who could see you sooner than that? It would probably be the longest two weeks of your life, waiting for the appointment. Also it's not really fair for either of you to keep dragging it out if the relationship is pretty much over.

pookie82 · 04-03-2015 12:31am

distressedguy wrote: »

I think that this is my first break up makes this even harder. I’m sorry if I come across as an incoherent mess, I don’t know what my question is here yet, there’s probably none and I am just airing my emotions.

You don't sound like an incoherent mess at all. You sound like someone who is genuinely heartbroken that he has to do this and wants to find the easiest way possible to do it, for all parties. There's nothing incoherent about that. Given it's your first break up as well as a break up where you live together, it's probably one of the biggest challenges you've ever faced in your life to date. It's no small deal and it's good that you're really thinking it through from every angle because you don't want these doubts to surface after the event.

Look, I've been there. I broke up with someone I had lived with for years. I knew it was over for about 6 months in the lead up to it but I literally fooled myself and put it off because the thoughts alone of the physical separation of stuff was enough to send me running for deluded notion I could fall back in love. It is no easy thing to (literally) walk out on something that's been your life for years, and on someone who you thought was going to be your future. It takes a long time to get used to, and that's even when you're the one making the decision.

Separating stuff is heartbreaking. I wasn't married but I might as well have been, so it felt like a divorce, for all intents and purposes. But I had family to call on and they were amazing. My one piece of advice would be to try to do it separately. Once you've broken up with her, arrange to have somewhere else to go for a week or two with a bag packed. When the dust settles, ask if you can call back over a weekend to pack the rest when she has arranged to be out. It's better for all parties that you're not in the same room whilst packing up if it can be avoided. Emotions will run high and it'd be an easy time for her to sway your decision if she were so inclined. Rope a good friend in to help you to make it a quicker process.

Counselling would be a great idea... but I'm not sure if you mean beforehand, to work up to it, or counselling together, to save this?

Talking it all through with a complete stranger can only help, I'd imagine. Why don't you try at least one session and see how you go? I've had experience with counselling and while I came out of my first session thinking "well that wasn't much good, I just moaned for an hour" I was physically showing symptoms of de stressing in a matter of days. It's very different (in a good way) from letting off steam with mates. You can talk unreservedly about everything on your mind without fear of judgment or it living on in the memory of someone you know and will meet again. I found it a huge help at a hard time in my life and would recommend it unreservedly.

In fact, if ever I hit a stressful patch again I'll be straight back!

I wish you the best of luck. Break ups are horrible, first time break ups are even harder. But unfortunately for most it's something we all have to go through and you WILL come out the other side. She will too.

Lux23 · 04-03-2015 11:20am

This is very tough, but you are both so young and in the long run breaking up with her might be the best thing that ever happened to you both. I find people who spend their 20s in relationships can be quite co-dependent, although I found my single 20s lonely, at least I learned to be happy with my own company! Your girlfriend and you will be devastated by this breakup, but you will both recover. At the moment, all you're doing is papering over the cracks and it will come falling down eventually.

But she is going to cry, shout, beg and you will just have remain steadfast in your decision.

LegacyUser · 04-03-2015 12:34pm

Just to clarify on foot of one post I would be going to counselling alone just to get things ironed out in my head rather than try to salvage the relationship. Salvaging it isn't something I want, I just want out. I've emailed a few other counsellors to see if anyone can meet sooner and Im waiting to hear back.
I don't really have any close friend to discuss it with. I think theres a lot of thruth in what you say Lux in that were/are very dependent on eachother, to both our detriments possibly. I know she is very much dependent on me as she doesn't drive and I am her only social contact - she literally has no friends, not that I am aware of anyway. She broke contact with most of them near the start of the relationship. I thought it was strange but I was young and foolish and didn't make a big deal of it. I have one close friend but he's in the UK working now.
It crossed my mind that I couselling might be only me looking for excuses to delay the inevitable but I think what I am trying to do on here and via counselling is to build up my nerve to be able to do it, and do it fully without caving in again.

I don't have much stuff other than clothes and a few documents that I need to bring. It would all easily fit in the boot of the car.

Whats more, I do not have a bank account or a card. My salary goes into hers. I'd have to get her to give me the card to get enough money to get on my feet with the basics. I suspect she'd refuse out of desperation, though she might give it all the same. It's a risk i suppose. I have a little bit of cash put away though.

Staph · 04-03-2015 2:48pm

Open a bank account and tell your job the new details to lodge your pay. I think that's the safest bet, so that you have access to your money.

kylith · 04-03-2015 3:02pm

Firstly set up a bank account and get your salary paid into that. Gods only know what possessed you to have your salary paid into her account, but put a stop to it now and get her to withdraw any of your money that is still in her possession or get a bank draft or postal order. Do this before you end it to minimise the risk of her refusing.

Secondly, it's not your fault or your problem if she doesn't have any friends. You cannot be miserable for the rest of your life because you think she'd be on her own if you finished the relationship. I know it's hard, but put it out of your head. Her social life is not your responsibility.

Thirdly, while counselling can be very helpful, if you are putting off finishing this relationship until you've had counselling about it then I think that yes, you are using counselling as an excuse to delay ending it. Ending a relationship is hard, but the longer you put it off the harder it'll be. If I were you I wouldn't delay it any longer than was necessary to get your money.

ash23 · 04-03-2015 3:05pm

I agree with everyone else, especially the bit about getting your wage sent to your own account. A quick email to HR should sort that out.

One thing I will say is do not be flaky about breaking up. I know it might sound cold, but just keep repeating that you do not want to be with her, do not see a future, can't fix what is wrong etc.

So many people are flaky when they break up and give false hope to the other person. It's an attempt to make it easier on them but really, it's cruel because it just makes it harder to move on.
So don't give her a spiel about "maybe in the future" or "I still love you but..." or "let's stay friends".
Just rip the plaster off. It'll hurt like hell but it really is best in the long run as it sounds like she will cling to any morsel of hope you give her.

Stavro Mueller · 04-03-2015 8:51pm

My jaw almost hit the table when I read about your financial situation. As the others above me have said, this needs to stop asap. You are entitled to your own money and I've a bad feeling whatever you've given her is gone and won't be returned. If you've not got a bank account, get one set up asap. I know from personal experience that when you need to change your bank details with HR, there can be a bit of a lag between furnishing them with your details and the money going into the new account. This may mean you can't leave for a week or two and will give you time to organise somewhere else to live and to see that counsellor. I think the counsellor is a delaying tactic but now that you've dropped that bank account bombshell, you've weakened your position.

pookie82 · 05-03-2015 10:27am

distressedguy wrote: »

Whats more, I do not have a bank account or a card. My salary goes into hers. I'd have to get her to give me the card to get enough money to get on my feet with the basics. I suspect she'd refuse out of desperation, though she might give it all the same. It's a risk i suppose. I have a little bit of cash put away though.

I'm not sure I understand ... What do you do when you need cash day to day? ... does she withdraw it and give it to you? If it's solely in her name you can't even go to a bank branch and withdraw it?

I don't think you need anyone here to tell you this was a pretty crazy thing to allow to happen. Do you have savings in there? If so, you may need to write those off if she turns desperate or nasty.

Get your new account set up TODAY and direct HR to pay your next salary in there. And once you're out of this, don't ever let anyone convince you again to be ok with a situation where your pay goes straight into an account you can't access without permission. As the above poster said, this considerably weakens your position to do this quickly and seamlessly.

You could try to casually ask her for as much as she can withdraw before you announce you're leaving, but given she already has a clue of your intentions, she may be on to you. In which case, you'll have to cut your losses.

Please don't ever be that foolish with your financial independence again.

Chucky the tree · 05-03-2015 12:11pm

At a guess OP I'd say the reason you have these feelings now and not sure why is because the penny is probably slowly but surely dropping that you are most likely in an emotional abusive relationship and are on the receiving end. As a male that is something very hard to realise and admit to. Now I have no idea if your girlfriend has engineered the situation on purpose or purely by accident because she has certain issues herself it's hard to know.

OP your girlfriend is not a nice person, she's an abusive person. She has manipulated you and deceived you all through the relationship. Read over your posts again and ask yourself what you would say to a female if she had written what you wrote. You would tell her to run, run quickly and be delighted to escape.

LegacyUser · 05-03-2015 2:00pm

distressedguy wrote: »

Whats more, I do not have a bank account or a card. My salary goes into hers. I'd have to get her to give me the card to get enough money to get on my feet with the basics. I suspect she'd refuse out of desperation, though she might give it all the same. It's a risk i suppose. I have a little bit of cash put away though.

You have been dating this girl for more than six years and you don't have your own bank account !!! That is nutz!! What did you do for money before you met her?? How does that work ? Does she leave some money out for you?? Who buys all the food ? Pays the bills etc? that is a crazy crazy set up.
Why hasn't she ordered another bank card or got you set up as an extra person on her account? This would allow you to access money when you need it as opposed to her leaving out spending money for you?

Just in case you don't know what you need in order to set up a bank account here's a link http://www.consumerhelp.ie/opening-an-account

If I were you I'd go to Payroll and see if its possible for them to issue you with a cheque for this months wages, tell them your account has been compromised or something!

LegacyUser · 05-03-2015 7:42pm

The money issue is not really my biggest concern. True enough, I should never have allowed it to happen but making the emotional leap to get out is my biggest hurdle.
I have some money put away myself that I can use. There are joint savings and I’d say she would be willing to divide them but then that would obviously be subsequent to the separation occurring.
To be honest though, I don’t care about the savings. It’d be good to get my fair share but I’d be willing to forego it if needs be.

I think its sadly true to say it is an emotionally abusive relationship. I blame myself in a big way for not being assertive enough early on. I am conflict averse and tend to capitulate to have a quiet life. I feel this may have rewarded and encouraged her. But I don’t want to blame her, I want to get out for my own sake so I can be happy in the future.
I need a free day to do this. We both work but often it our days off don’t coincide. I think doing it on a free day will allow her (and me) to process things without the worry of facing a morning’s work causing additional stress. It would allow her time to phone her family if she chooses to do that.

LegacyUser · 06-03-2015 11:22am

Someone once said a very wise thing to me "You don't have to provide evidence to why you're unhappy in a relationship. THIS ISN'T A COURT OF LAW"

It stuck with me. When someone particularly manipulative and with nothing to lose senses they're losing control, they start badgering and badgering and basically implying that you're wrong - since you can't come up with specific reasons, or reasons they can't turn around to make that reason partially or entirely your fault ("And whose fault is that then??!")

You almost feel like you need their permission to end it. So you keep trying to persuade them its for the best. But they keep turning things around on you, and when they sense that doesn't work its on with the waterworks. And worse. I heard of one situation where an emotionally abusive man was kicked out and soon after came the suicide threats. Wisely instead of answering the texts she rang the Guards. And they found him sitting there playing Playstation!

You don't need evidence as to why you're unhappy. It isn't a court of law. And you don't need their permission or approval to walk out the door. And afterwards, you are not their Sole Saviour. Please keep those things in your head.

LegacyUser · 06-03-2015 2:17pm

Thanks Coincide.

I feel I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I often do feel like I need agreement on ending it but I know such agreement is very unlikely and I'd just have to walk. The waterworks and later begging is practically guaranteed. I'm just trying to pysche up to push through it without caving in. I do feel so awfully bad for how she will be though. She will be lonely and isolated. Not my fault I know but it's hard to think about.

I've arranged a counsellor for Monday. No silver bullet I know but I hope it will help to get me in a solid frame of mind.

pookie82 · 06-03-2015 5:18pm

Coincide wrote: »

Someone once said a very wise thing to me "You don't have to provide evidence to why you're unhappy in a relationship. THIS ISN'T A COURT OF LAW"

It stuck with me. When someone particularly manipulative and with nothing to lose senses they're losing control, they start badgering and badgering and basically implying that you're wrong - since you can't come up with specific reasons, or reasons they can't turn around to make that reason partially or entirely your fault ("And whose fault is that then??!")

You almost feel like you need their permission to end it. So you keep trying to persuade them its for the best. But they keep turning things around on you, and when they sense that doesn't work its on with the waterworks. And worse. I heard of one situation where an emotionally abusive man was kicked out and soon after came the suicide threats. Wisely instead of answering the texts she rang the Guards. And they found him sitting there playing Playstation!

You don't need evidence as to why you're unhappy. It isn't a court of law. And you don't need their permission or approval to walk out the door. And afterwards, you are not their Sole Saviour. Please keep those things in your head.

This is probably the best response on here, OP, I hope you can take its advice.

LegacyUser · 10-03-2015 6:36pm

OK, so just an update.
I saw the counsellor yesterday. It was releiving to talk face to face to someone about it. To make a long story short the counsellor's advice pretty much reflected everything on this thread which was very reassuring.
Started of by exploring whether I genuinely wanted out or wanted to fix it. I already knew, and the fact was solidly established that I, fully and absolutely 100%, want out of this relationship.
We tried to discuss her behaviour and jealousy thing but the counsellor didn't seem to interested and said that they were her problems and this is about doing what's right for me and not to be getting in a knot about her. Blunt but fair enough point I suppose. I explained my guilty feeling about my lack of assertiveness and compliance partially at least rewarding and encouraging her behaviour. They agreed it probably enabled it to continue but did not justify it.
Essentially they said that her self imposed social isolation and jealousy issues and her reaction to me leaving, good or bad, are her problems and not mine. She may get emotional, angry, cry, scream and beg but the nub of it is that those are her issues, not mine and I should not have to feel guilt for doing what I know to be the right thing. I cannot be responsible to what happens to her. I was advised that if I leave and I have a genuine concern for her wellbeing or safety that contacting her father and asking him to check up on her would be a fair enough idea.
Also told that I owe it to myself to leave if I am not happy, and it is respectful to her also to terminate it if I have already left the relationship on a mental level.

Was also given some coaching and excercise in assertiveness and to help me follow through with the break and not be persuaded to stay or "try again". I found this very good and will use it. Was advised that being direct, firm and emphasising my certainty to end it while at the same time remaining calm and respectful would help to minimise desperate persuation on her part. I need to make it very clear to her that I, I have made MY decision , that decision is not negotioable and cannot not changed. Saying NO combined with use of gesture (holding up my hand in a "stop" fashion) would add weight and demonstrate my resolve when she tries to persuade me to stay.

Also strongly warned to regularise my financial affairs in advance which I've done today. Account in place and salary arranged to go to it with HR. We also spoke of the logistics of the immediate aftermath of the split, ie travel, commuting, accommodation. I explained that this really was the least of my worries, almost a non issue and that I am happy to commute to work (1 hr each way) from my family home for a few weeks til I get accommodation sorted.

In the end, there was nothing new here except from the assertiveness bit. I knew all this already, much of which is on this thread too, but it was an enormous help to just talk it out with someone and know what I'm going to do is the right thing.

I'm feeling much better about this now. But I still need to make the jump and hold my resolve.

Just said I'd update ye.

Stavro Mueller · 13-03-2015 8:11pm

Thanks for updating us. You've been given some good solid advice from the counsellor. Now to put it into action. The only additional advice I can give you is not to wait too long. It'd be better to do this while the counsellor's advice is fresh in your mind. There's never a convenient time to break up. If it's not too near Valentine's Day or Chistmas it'll be her birthday, your anniversary etc etc.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2015 10:28am

Thank you SM.

Today .....

Stavro Mueller · 14-03-2015 11:44am

You know, today would be a good day to end it. It's not going to be any easier to say those words tomorrow, or Monday, or Tuesday.... Also, if you end the relationship today and go back home, you'll have your own family there to support you tonight and tomorrow. If her dad's still working and has a Monday to Friday job, he'll be free to help her if needs be.

It's going to be one of the most excruciating conversations you'll ever have. It's going to hurt, you'll be heartbroken, you'll feel guilty. But you know, I bet you'll also feel relieved and free. I hope you find the courage to do this today and get it over and done with.

strandroad · 14-03-2015 11:52am

Best of luck OP.
What are your living arrangements though? Were you livibg in her place or renting together?

Dee01 · 14-03-2015 12:25pm

Best of luck op. It is never easy to end a relationship and at every milestone, it becomes harder. From everything you have said, the relationship is over and well done for taking the steps to becoming more independent.

Today will be horrible and emotionally draining and you will feel desperate, but these feelings will pass with time. You won't feel better over night so be prepared for that. If the relationship is not working for one person, it can't work for the other person no matter what they think at th time. You are doing the right thing for both of you. Stay strong op.

The Princess Bride · 14-03-2015 2:55pm

Best of luck with this,OP.
It does need to be today.
It sounds like your counsellor is very much on the ball- you and your feelings are your concern, remember that - only you can walk in your shoes.

Take some time away from work in the coming days/weeks and treat yourself to something fantastic -you deserve it.
Take care.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2015 10:02am

Just wanting to update. So here I am, about 6 weeks after deciding to make this jump and restart my life. It was not a quick and clean as I would have liked and things are not completely settled yet but I have successfully terminated this toxic and miserble "relationship". Over the course of 3 discussions over 3 weeks I basically got through to her that I was out! She vilified me blaming the whole breakup on me and that I made no effort and just wanted a quick out for my convenience to which I explained, yeah, so what, maybe I do want a fast out and that was that. She actually took it a lot better than I thought she would, there was/is anger but no appreciable theatrics or EastEnders Christmas special carry on.
We have divided the savings, my money is in order and I'm moving into a new place with seemingly nice, normal people today! Woohoo. She is moving back to her family in at the end of the month and has spent the weekend with them.

I am angry at her for things but most of all I am so angry and disappointed with myself for putting up with this relationship for so long and living like a puppy on a lead. I feel like I wasted the bulk of my 20's (28 now) in a relationship where I did none of what my peers were doing and missed out on a lot cos she was so averse to any kind of socialising or having friends or even letting me see my friends.

Despite the above, I know I should not and cannot dwell on it, it's water under the bridge and I must look forward to the future. Now that I am back on my own two feet I am sooo relieved. I feel like a huge block of stress has been lifted. I feel 5 yrs younger and want to, and am totally free without protest, to take up things I like doing for me. I can once again be my own person and not be pestered, manipulated or guilted into things anymore.
I feel a bit like Andy when he escapes from Shawshank<SNIP> No links to video clips, please.

ATM I'm reconnecting with my old best friend who is a real rock despite me having been very flaky and unreliable for him over the last 5-6 years. I've arrangements to go see him in the UK and hang out for a weekend. This would have been unthinkable just 6 months ago and the mere suggestion of it would have resulted in WW3.

I'd just like to thank everybody who replied or even read my thread here on Boards. You have been a fantastic sounding board and source of reassurance and encouragement at a time when I really and literally had no-one else I could discuss this with. I'm also so thankful to my counsellor who's advice was spot on and was a tremendous help. So a big up to all of you.

Peace out,
de-stressedguy86

Blue Iris · 13-04-2015 5:29pm

I'm glad for you that you managed to get through it. Enjoy your freedom and hopefully the next person you fall for will be someone easygoing and laid back who will be fine about you seeing your friends and socialising. Best of luck.

retro:electro · 13-04-2015 5:50pm

Wow, you seem like a completely different person since your first post! Even the way you write has changed, the relief you feel is palpable. Best of luck op!

Stavro Mueller · 13-04-2015 6:54pm

Thanks for updating us. You didn't have to but it's always lovely to have someone pop back to give us the happy ending we like to see.

Try not to beat yourself up too much over what you think are your wasted years. You are still only 28 so you've plenty of time to do whatever you want. I would take some positives from this.
You now know what it's like to be in a bad relationship so you'll be better able to spot the warning signs next time. You also now know what you don't want to go through again. Also, because you feel you've wasted some years it might motivate you to do things you never would've done even if you hadn't met your ex.

I hope you really enjoy your new found freedom. Best of luck Mr Destressed!

Breaking up a LTR - feel horrible but need to do it. Help.

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