advised needed

sharky86 · 01-03-2015 1:06am #1

Hi Folks I am looking for some advise here. I am in a relationship for 3.5 years now and confused as to what to do. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and both her mother and me get on ok I.e. we are civil and do things for the little one like plan parties, discuss any medical needs etc. I am blessed as I can even call up after work to my daughter during the week for an hour before she goes to bed.

Anyway my partner doesn't trust me and believes that my ex has feelings or worse I have feelings for my ex. Both of which is not true.

My ex and my daughter went to get me a birthday pressie as the little gets excited about present given. It was a small cup with a picture of my daughter on it. Once my partner heard about this all hell broke loose! Why is she getting you presents etc. Calling me names calling my ex names etc etc

I personally think it is ok for bring your child shopping for a small present for their parent. Am I correct in saying that and my partner is over reacting. I think she has crossed a line with this one

jimmycrackcorm · 01-03-2015 1:45am

I wouldn't put up with that nonsense. Lay the law down. Your daughter is one of the most important paths of your life and that means scoring that you have to have a healthy relationship with her mother.

tell your partner you won't accept any if this nonsense and if she really believes that you will be getting back with your ex that she should leave you.

Take a hard line on this. There is no excuse for someone not understanding that their partner having kids needs to have a good relationship with their ex.

orthsquel · 01-03-2015 2:12am

The root of the problem is that your current partner doesn't trust you, probably sees that you, your ex and your daughter might be closer together and more involved with eachother as a family unit that you and your partner are. She may feel she is insecure and jealous as a result and mistrusts intentions that are for the benefit of the child on both sides.
How regularly are you in contact with your ex? Do you call eachother up every day, every other day, once a week/month to discuss your daughter's medical needs, school, etc? It might seem abnormal to her for you to be in such regular contact with an ex without really taking into consideration that some responsibilities such as medical/school and other stuff like that are shared responsibilities and for the greater benefit of the child involved to have both parents involved and on the same page as co-parents to a child post relationship.
If your daughter is particularly young and isn't capable of dealing with money by herself then of course she will need an adult to go with/bring her shopping, her father to her is an important person who is part of her life and fulfilling that would be important in order to maintain a healthy relationship between father and daughter, so I don't see anything wrong about the present or that your ex and your daughter shopped together and got it.
How involved is your partner in your daughter's life? Is she involved as your partner in activities or medical things when your daughter is visiting/staying with you? Perhaps while your daughter's education or medical or whatever needs are not really her business, she feels she is at a point in the relationship where she should be involved, but is feeling excluded?
I think regardless of what the answers are you need to put yourself in her shoes and see if your partner has a valid reason to be upset, insecure or jealous of the situation; it is something you should talk about together and get to the bottom of, offer the reassurance or involve her more if that is the issue should you feel appropriate to do so, or have her understand that your daughter is an important part of your life but for your partner to feel as equally as important too.

Big Bag of Chips · 01-03-2015 9:41am

Tell her your ex isn't buying a present for you, your daughter is. And tell her when it comes to your ex's birthday you will be bringing your daughter out to buy a present for her mam. Does she feel left out? Did she think that she should have bought a present with your daughter if it was for you? I think after 3 and a half years your partner should be used to you having a child with someone else and she should also be aware of what being in a relationship with someone with a child entails.

But, and I do think this is important too, you need to be mindful of your current relationship. Is your partner very jealous or insecure? Or, are your actions causing her to have concerns? Do you regularly cancel plans to go see your daughter? Do you call to her house regularly without letting your partner know you are going? I know it is difficult to get out these evenings but as the weather improves and the evenings get brighter could you bring your daughter out for an hour or so rather than sitting in the house with your ex?

Your partner might be reasonably or unreasonably jealous. She may simply be jealous that you have this history and this link to your ex that will always be part of your relationship. Or she may be jealous that you spend a lot of time with you ex (even though it's your child!) and she feels like she is coming in 3rd place behind your child and your ex.

It's very difficult for you to balance, but you have to find a way. Your gf knows you have a child, so she needs to accept that she will very often have to come 2nd to your child. But she needs to feel that she is at least in 2nd place.. Not 3rd!

My husband has a daughter, and I knew that from the beginning. I always understood that she was his child and she would always take priority. It didn't stop me occasionally getting fed up with the situation though. But I'd like to think that was very rare, and when I got over myself I realised this is what I signed up for when I started going out with him. In our situation though him and his ex weren't friendly. They were civil to each other but he wouldn't just call in. He'd arrange to collect his daughter and bring her out. He had no interest in sitting around with his ex!

Ann84 · 01-03-2015 9:55am

Sorry to hear OP.

I was in a similar position only being the mom. My ex and I used to get on well, like you guys buy presents etc.
He then started going out with a girl who was very insecure and tried to wedge her way into our parenting. She threatened to dump him unless she could go to our daughters birthday parties (which myself and ex had agreed would be family and kid friends only), she bought my daughter stuff I told her she couldn't have and generally just caused my ex grief. It all stemmed from her not really getting her role in the situation.
I have a boyfriend too so I can compare... And he has never interfered in my parenting role because he can cope with his role as my boyfriend...

Anyway, to sum up the consequences of their relationship is they went out for 4 years, my ex and I ended up back in mediation due to her interfering... There was huge tension coming up to all big events and my ex and I no longer even get on a little.

And now they've broken up. I say good riddance but the damage she did (and he let her do) won't be undone and it's been my exes lose overall. If your girlfriend can't accept your situation and respect the boundaries you need, she's not the one for you

fineso.mom · 01-03-2015 10:38am

OP breaks ups are hard enough when people get on and are civilised. Its still traumatic for all involved.But a civilised separation where the children's needs are put first is infintley preferable to one where partners are bitching,fighting and scoring points off each other. The poor child is stuck in the middle and the effects can be life long.
You are so lucky to have a decent relatio ship with your ex and your girlfriend does not know how lucky she is. It is no fun going out with someone who is stressed because they have to deal with an angry ex. The amount of time and mental torture involved in sorting out access/ maintenance/ celebrations would have a far bigger impact on your current relationship than the present situation.
You and your ex are behaving like grown ups, your girlfriend is behaving like a child.
My ex has remarried, his new wife is lovely. My kids are old enough to buy presents themselves,but I have often bought something myself for her. Why not? She's a nice person,she loves my children,she makes their dad happy.
I also went out with a man who had kids. Again, he had reasonably amicable break up of his marriage.I sometimes helped his kids pick out a present for their mom. It was no big deal, the kids come first and hopefully we set them an example.
I would suggest you have a chat with your girlfriend,maybe point out how lucky you both are that you have s reasonable relationship with your ex. Try and find out where her insecurity is coming from and allay any fears if you can.
You have a long road ahead of potential dramas ( birthdays/communions/sports events/wedding/ grandkids etc etc) so you need to sort it now.
Good luck

LegacyUser · 01-03-2015 11:57am

Is there a reason after 3 and a half years you have not married her and given her the certainty that comes with status? Could that quell some of the insecurity?

It is not uncommon for boyfriends/girlfriends to be jealous and in many ways understandable.

Is there a pattern of this?

Could you girlfriend be right? Would she prefer a conflicted relationship with your ex for reassurance?

My boy lost many years of contact with his father due to the jealousy of a girlfriend, never saw where he lived, I witnessed interference during access, pathological jealousy which has caused irreperable damage, lost time, etc. I saw a man beaten down by it, but he indulged and validated it. They have since broken up but the damage done is shameless and unforgiveable because that time will never be recovered.

You are family and that is hard to accept, you have a duty to each other and to the child, and confirm that, and acknowledge that it is hard for her to live with, congratulate her for doing it for three and a half years, tell her you can see how she would be threatened, but that this is not going to change because you are on good terms with your ex and the child benefits from that. Any compromising on that would lead to a ripple and cascade effect whose unintended consquences are without estimation.

njs030 · 01-03-2015 1:47pm

Why does she think you or your ex have feelings for each other? Is there any reason other than what you've said?

I'm a parent and have had relationships with men who have children and I would say your girlfriend needs a serious reality check.

The most important person in that scenario is your child, the three of you are adults and can deal with any issues, your daughter can't.
Your girlfriend needs to realise she will always come second to your child, and she should support the relationship between you and your daughter.
It sounds like you and your ex are co-parenting very well, and that has to be maintained!

BUT you need to make sure she knows how you feel about her, and make sure she's also getting enough time with you to feel secure and wanted. Maybe a sit down talk is needed?

Shrap · 02-03-2015 4:19pm

Being a parent means that you need your partner's full support in order to parent well, regardless of whether they are the other parent or are not the other parent. End of story really.

OP, your partner is affecting how you parent your child, even if you aren't letting her immaturity and jealousy get in between your great working relationship as a co-parent with your child's mother and yourself. If she is causing you stress over your parenting, then that is affecting you negatively and is doing your child no favours by causing you to be more stressed.

I'll give you a clue of what maturity looks like in a partner re this issue: My partner personally rang and invited my eldest's father round for Christmas dinner last year and gave him a present, as did I. They sat around chatting for the whole day while my eldest felt great because it was all so comfortable and inclusive.

Immaturity, on the other hand, is where my youngest's father spent all Christmas with his partner without seeing his son because his partner doesn't want him to bring my youngest over to stay at her's. Doesn't matter what age people are, if they can't "man-up" for the kids (even if it's not their kids) then they're too juvenile to be in a relationship with a parent.

sharky86 · 12-03-2015 2:52am

Thanks for all the feedback folks. It didnt work out in the end I had to leave the house today

Shrap · 12-03-2015 9:24am

Very sorry to hear that OP, but it sounds like you stuck to your guns about your daughter and ex, so well done. You put your daughter first like any good parent would.

advised needed

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