Sometimes it's worth waiting, but is this one of those times?

LegacyUser · 19-02-2015 9:39am #1

Hi All,

Please excuse me if I bounce around the place a bit with this, my head is feeling a bit fried. Okay: I have recently slept with a man I like a lot, we'd known each other as friends for a year or so, and I like him very much as a person. Recently we ended up in bed at the end of a wild night out. It's strange, although I've always liked him as a friend something changed that night (for me anyway.) It's odd how you can view someone purely as a friend and then something in you changes as a result of sexual intimacy; and then I also ask myself did I actually have those feelings and were they dormant? I think maybe I must have, otherwise no amount of drink would have convinced me to go to bed with him in the first place.

Anyway, fast forward to now, some weeks after that encounter. It's clear that he is reluctant to pursue anything romantic with me, which in all honesty is hurting quite a bit. I haven't been contacting him incessantly or anything like that, but we have run into each other a couple of times because we share mutual friends. He is warm and friendly and all that but I am not a fool and I know if he wanted to see me he'd have contacted me without waiting for us to run into each other. Ordinarily I would just chalk it up and move on, but if ever there were mitigating circumstances I think there are here. Just three years ago his long term partner (of thirteen years) passed away tragically from cancer. There's no doubt she was the love of his life and he is still grieving. He's been quite vocal about this in our group of friends. I'd be willing to bet that was his first sexual encounter since, though I have not asked (haven't had the chance to ask really.)

This is a really lovely bloke and my heart is telling me that this might be worth the wait, that something may develop from this in the future when he is ready. But my pride is telling me to chalk it up and move on and that if he wanted anything intimate to develop I'd know it already. I have been badly hurt in the past and don't need that again, but I really do like him. I know he is still dealing with bereavement and grief and I have a feeling if I put my cards on the table I'll frighten the ****e out of him and push him away. If there is a small chance something might develop in the future I don't want to extinguish it with neediness and impatience. I like him a lot and keep thinking of that night, which was so affectionate and loving as well as passionate. We made love again the following morning after we woke up, so it wasn't like he came to his senses, grabbed his clothes and ran.

Truth is I miss him and have thought of him every day since. I do think, like the title says, that sometimes a person is worth waiting for but I just don't know if this is one of those times. I am sad and confused about this. Please advise!

Neyite · 19-02-2015 11:05am

I would say move on.

If, down the line you find yourself single and he is ready for a relationship, something might happen then. But, until then, he may not be ready. Or he may fall for someone else when he is ready. But by waiting for him its a gamble with no guarantees, just a very slim chance, and not worth it imo.

Littlekittylou · 19-02-2015 11:38am

Move on OP.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2015 12:20pm

I don't think you need to wait or to move on, it's possible to have a conversation that is sensitive to his particular history and also allows for you to be open to the possibility of seeing if it could go somewhere. I can't see that you have anything to lose by talking to him about it and life's too short to pass up chances with someone you have a connection with. He may be hoping for more, but lack the confidence to open up just yet, you really won't know unless you have a chat with him.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2015 12:34pm

Thanks for the responses. I just feel really sad about this. It feels like a case of the right thing happening at the wrong time, and it has left me feeling quite low in myself tbh.

njs030 · 19-02-2015 1:18pm

I'd suggest talking to him, at worst you'll be in the same situation you are now (just friends).

LegacyUser · 19-02-2015 1:38pm

Thanks again for the responses. Can I just clarify that by 'waiting' I didn't mean cutting myself off from the idea of other romantic possibilities or not moving on with my life in other respects. I'm just realising that may be what that sounded like. By waiting I mean keeping my heart open to the possibility that something may yet come of this. That is really the crux of my question: should I shut the door on that possibility or keep it open?

As to talking to him about it directly, I understand the logic of that but I just really feel that if he felt that way inclined I'd know about it already, so I think if anything comes of this it'll be at some point further down the line, not now.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2015 3:30pm

cautiousandsad wrote: »

As to talking to him about it directly, I understand the logic of that but I just really feel that if he felt that way inclined I'd know about it already

This kind of thinking leads to two people wishing the other would say something and both ending up assuming the other is saying something they're not. You don't have to pursue him, but it really looks like a simple chat might open up possibilities for both of you, or at least answer your questions.

beks101 · 19-02-2015 4:42pm

cautiousandsad wrote: »

Thanks again for the responses. Can I just clarify that by 'waiting' I didn't mean cutting myself off from the idea of other romantic possibilities or not moving on with my life in other respects. I'm just realising that may be what that sounded like. By waiting I mean keeping my heart open to the possibility that something may yet come of this. That is really the crux of my question: should I shut the door on that possibility or keep it open?

You sound like a lovely, caring person OP.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation with a guy I worked with. Work night out hook up that repeated a few times. I was crazy about the guy deep down, but he was just coming out of something heavy and despite this palpable chemistry between us and countless opportunities on his part, he never moved things forward and I chose to move on.

In reality I had to, because I think this "waiting" vis-a-vis keeping your heart/mind open to someone can be very detrimental to your own happiness. Especially when it's someone you can't actually shut off shop to - someone I'd see every other day in my case; an integral part of your social circle in yours.

I know in my case, if there's someone on my mind, they're pretty pervasively on my mind, to the exclusion of another person who might be a better match, a better prospect. I knew holding out hope that one day he might saunter up and be willing to bring this from 'drunken hook up' and into the real world would mean ruminating about him, fantasising about him, blocking out pretty much anyone else.

And at this point I wasn't exactly new to the dating game - I was familiar with the pattern of success in romance and it didn't involve someone holding back indefinitely, for any reason. It involves two people meeting halfway and propelling things forward regardless of awkwardness, reluctance, hesitance or any high risks involved.

Go with your gut. Is it worth having a conversation with him? Does his body language and actions towards you since hint at reciprocal feelings, or more awkwardness and regret?

Just make sure you think about yourself in this too. Protect yourself and think about what you want in life. Will sitting and waiting and hoping on this guy get you those things? Can you honestly be "out there" if you're holding out for him? How much would a disappointment and devastation from this not going the way you want, set you back?

IlmoNT4 · 19-02-2015 8:16pm

Just have a conversation with the guy.... Be open and honest and if he says no thanks, you have your answer.

Forget all that pride stuff, if he was that into you blah blah blah ...just go for it....

LegacyUser · 21-02-2015 1:51pm

Hi All,

Thank you very much for the responses. At the risk of irritating people I need to say I am still no nearer a decision on whether to say anything to him or not, except that in the couple of days that have passed since I posted this he hasn't bothered his arse to call or text so that nudges me nearer 'let it go' territory. Except of course for the fact that from his point of view it's also true that I haven't bothered my arse to call or text either!

Oh Gawd... some days I just think romance should be abolished altogether...

December2012 · 21-02-2015 9:49pm

You've been physically intimate with him, Why can you not be be verbal with him?

LegacyUser · 24-02-2015 3:50pm

It's not that I cannot December2012, it's that (for the time being at least) I will not, because I feel that his silence is telling me all I need to hear. The way things stand at the moment, he's communicating pretty clearly that he doesn't want anything romantic to evolve here, so I am feeling hurt and bruised out of that, but I still have my dignity. If I were to put myself on a plate for him and be rejected then I'd have lost that too.

I think the reality is he is just not ready to move on and that is not something you can hurry, especially not in somebody else. I guess the obvious thing to do is move on. I am feeling very low over this though. I am at the point in my life where I am ready to start a new relationship and I think the world of this guy.

njs030 · 24-02-2015 11:34pm

How is he communicating it clearly? By not saying anything the same way you are?

If you won't make the effort to speak to him then don't be surprised that he's acting the same way. So, you think he will probably say no, but the idea will be in his head and he might feel differently after thinking about it.

Dignity and pride are very lonely companions!!

December2012 · 25-02-2015 12:30am

Dignity is an amazing thing. And you should have dignity and self respect. Absolutely.

But I fail to see how asking somebody how they feel is undignified?

I guess it depends on wording.

I'm sure there is a way that you could ask him while retaining your dignity and self respect?

I'll have a think, maybe other people might have ideas to share?

Merkin · 25-02-2015 10:30am

I'd move on OP. It's very disappointing when you feel more for someone than they do you but unfortunately it's one of those things. In my own experience, someone who is really keen will always make plans for a next time before saying goodbye and while you'd a nice intimate morning the morning after, he hasn't instigated a meet up or communication since. That really does tell you all you need to know etc.

Maybe he's not ready or maybe he's just not feeling it, the whys and wherefores are ultimately overrated as you actually have your answer. I know it causes a little heartache but mind your little bruised heart while accepting the fact it's not going to go anywhere and you won't then block the way for the real thing. You'll be fine xx

Matteroffact · 25-02-2015 2:45pm

He found you attractive enough to have sex with, but he doesn't want a relationship with you. There is no need for you to feel bruised, this never got off the ground anyway. You have the advantage that you are sensible enough to see the light and you know deep down that if this man wanted a relationship with you you would know about it. So keep telling yourself this and try to forget about him for the time being anyway. He doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now, not just you.

Greenduck · 26-02-2015 4:03pm

OP, your post struck a cord with me as I think we've all at some stage been in a confusing 'is it' or 'is it not' situation with a potential boyfriend/girlfriend.

I can hear how much you like this guy but I agree. If he hasn't contacted you, he probably isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with you right now. From my experience, if a guy is interested he will make it known somehow. Thats not to say he will never be interested.

Instead of getting too down hearted, test the waters a bit before you rule it out together. Check his body language,eye contact, suggestions? See if he's giving you a positive reaction and goes out of his way to talk to you.

With grief he might be feeling very guilty about what happened between you too, especially if you were the 1st after his partner. This might be a slow burner and gaining his trust as a 'closer' friend first might be the way to go. Whatever happens wont be overnight so try and stay positive. He's still in your life

LegacyUser · 26-02-2015 7:32pm

I just want to say thanks for the messages that have been posted since I last commented on here. They have been very kind and clarifying. Thank you all and I will keep you posted if there are any developments worth commenting on (which I still hope there will be!)

LegacyUser · 27-02-2015 9:29pm

I think you're wrong for not saying anything. What if he's in as much of a dilemma as you? It would be terrible if you both let this turn into nothing because of misplaced pride. I know it's hard, and that it may turn out that he's not ready - or not interested in following this up. But how sad would it be if you both were sitting on the fence saying nothing in case your ego took a dent?

I say go for it. Say something. It doesn't have to be an expression of lifelong devotion, but don't let life pass you by through sitting frozen and not trying. I truly hope it works out for you, but I think you have to give it a chance of working out by saying what you feel to him.

AlteredStates · 05-03-2015 12:14am

My advice would be to move on... A man should move mountains to be with u not hide behind them... Lifes too short and as youll never be good enough for a man who isnt ready ðŸ˜€

Littlekittylou · 05-03-2015 5:18am

My advice would be to move on... A man should move mountains to be with u not hide behind them...

Love this.
I would agree with this. He has been through a lot. His head is probably spinning.

He does not sound ready. Very sad events for him. I'm sorry OP.

shaymus27 · 10-03-2015 8:20pm

For goodness sake just talk to him. Tell him your feelings.

If this man is nice enough for you to have been a friend of and to have ou ahad an intimate encounter with, he is nice enough to be grateful for your sharing your feelings for him. Surely he won't judge you.

You are not a mind reader so just talk to him. Men aren't great with communicating. In his case there may be things going around his mind that confuse him. Not all men are confident.

You will torture yourself with "what might have been if only I said something.."

You will always wonder if he would've been interested in going out with you if only one of you had made a move.

Things will sour between you if you don't have a conversation. Even if he says no, you will know where you stand and can walk away with a clear mind. You will get on better than if there is no conversation where there will be awkwardness, avoidance etc.

You only live once - DO IT. A bigger regret would be to not try.

Carpe Dieum !!!!!! (hope I spelt it right).

LegacyUser · 11-03-2015 2:52am

I despair of the posts saying that a man should do 'everything' if he's interested! That's not fair; it's 2015, not 1950. It's not fair to expect the guy to be the one to put himself up for rejection, it's equal opportunity time.

You don't have to sit like the little woman, waiting to see what he feels. And it's not very nice to expect him to be the one to 'say something' and face being possibly shot down. If you want this OP, you need to at least express an interest. You really aren't doing yourself any favours by sitting waiting for the Jane Austen outcome. Throw the guy a bone!

He might not want things to progress, or he might like them to but not be ready - but you yourself are dooming it to never get off the ground if you are going to play the little waity woman. Your friendship is never going to be the same anyway, as you've had sex, so you are being coy for unfathomable reasons. If you're interested, you need to say something.

Dixie Chick · 11-03-2015 5:42pm

Well look, there is one way to getting over this very quickly. Ask him is he interested in meeting for a coffee/drink and if he avoids or is evasive then you have your answer.

Sometimes it's worth waiting, but is this one of those times?

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