Advice needed - Long time single

LegacyUser · 01-03-2015 6:08pm #1

Hi everyone. I would love if someone offered me advice on this matter.

I am a 39 year old woman, approaching her 40th. I have a young outlook on life though and would look much younger and act younger than what I am.
I have been single for a long time (years). I had self esteem issues my whole life and in the past few years I seem to have overcome these to the point where my self-confidence is really good.

I've finally come to a point in my life where I realise my value and think that I am a great person. I really like who I am. I am an attractive girl. I am slim. I spent years with an eating disorder and now I really like my body, I have no hangups any more. I know people will think I sound arrogant, but I'm not. I spent most of my life at war with myself and it is a massive relief to be at peace with myself.

I also work in the creative field and love my job. It's not financially secure but it's something I love with my heart.
I am always trying new things and love adventure. I am passionate about life in general and want to do as much as possible.
I am also a kind person and love looking after people.

My biological clock isn't ticking anymore (I went through a painful acceptance that maybe I may not have kids - I didn't just wake up one day and say 'No kids' - it was a process).
I am open to them either way - biological or adopted or none - It's not a dealbreaker with me anymore, so there isn't that pressure.

I also have no kids from a previous relationship, no divorces or broken engagements. I would just be a single, never-married person.

OK just trying to paint a picture of me on a good day

I have faults of course too.

Anyway I have been single for a long time and am just trying to figure out why I am, since I think I would make a great girlfriend.

The guys I like are either married/in relationships/gay/too young/not interested. I tried going after younger guys but this led nowhere.
I've watched as year after year all my single friends pair up and I am forever making new single friends.
This is really getting to me now. It's really crap getting to a point in your life where you think you're great but no other guy thinks so

I also don't really tell everyone I'm single. I went out recently with some new friends and one of the girls found out and (she was drunk) made a big deal about my single status - she was in disbelief and really loudly proclaimed that she couldn't believe I was single. I was kind of mortified to be honest. Like it was a stigma.
I know she meant well, but I almost feel vulnerable if people know I'm single at my age, like I'm some desperate Bridget Jones type.

I am also not a fussy person - I'm not waiting on a Brad Pitt type. I would like someone that I'm attracted to that's kind and funny.

Ok sorry this post is so long. I would just like advice on how to meet people. Should I tell people that I'm single and looking?
Is there something I'm doing that may be putting guys off?
As time goes on, it's hard not to think that there is something 'off' with me.

P.S. I've done online dating and speed dating before and they weren't for me.

Thank you so much for reading

MrWalsh · 02-03-2015 5:30pm

lookingforsomething wrote: »

The guys I like are either married/in relationships/gay/too young/not interested. I tried going after younger guys but this led nowhere.

The above bit is interesting. You talk about the unavailable status of the guys you like. What about the guys that like you?

Do you go on many dates and are just not interested?
Or are you saying that no guys are interested at all?

If its the latter, then you need to figure out WHERE in the "meeting journey" the interest wanes.

If you look ok, then there is no doubt that at least some guys have taken a look and thought "nice", and approached you. Has this happened? If you have gotten this far then its not what you look like.

If you have been approached but it fizzles quickly then it is likely something either in your general body language or manner. This is really tricky because if you ask a trusted friend they wont want to hurt your feelings and tell you what it is - but you might be able to ask a stranger, someone you will never see again.

If it doesnt fizzle so quickly then perhaps you are not giving good signals back to someone interested so they back off before it gets to a bit of touching/kissing.

If it gets to touching/kissing (and by touching I mean touching each other on the arm in a pub, leaning into each other etc...) - then what happens afterwards is whats going wrong.

So you need to have a look at your interested interactions and see where its going wrong. Its not easy but you have to be honest with yourself.

LegacyUser · 02-03-2015 8:44pm

MrWalsh wrote: »

Do you go on many dates and are just not interested?
Or are you saying that no guys are interested at all?

If its the latter, then you need to figure out WHERE in the "meeting journey" the interest wanes.

If you look ok, then there is no doubt that at least some guys have taken a look and thought "nice", and approached you. Has this happened? If you have gotten this far then its not what you look like.

No I don't go on many dates, I never get asked out.
I do get approached by men on nights out - some just look me up and down like a piece of meat though and although I might be polite, I give them a wide bearth.
If a guy approached me that I wasn't attracted to, I wouldn't be a cow, I would just turn him down gently.

What I've noticed lately though is that recent guys I've made friends with (through various social groups), ones that are in relationships, flirt heavily with me on nights out and one has even told me that he wanted to take me home.
I have no interest in attached guys and I don't lead them on in anyway.
I suppose I would be a bit of a free spirit who does her own thing and maybe these guys are attracted to that or something? Or just that they think it's ok to behave that way?

But apart from the attached men, not much else. I recently kissed a guy I've known for years and he seemed keen to see me again, but he was much too young so I didn't lead him on too much. We've been in sporadic contact, I still like him as a friend but his keen interest in me just seems to have disappeared.

I have this awful feeling that sometimes I project an ice-queen persona. I am by nature a warm and friendly person but I'm quite tall and have a good posture and sometimes I think people might mistake this as haughtiness and perhaps unapproachability?
Just remembering things that people have said in the past - things like that I look like such a lady (I think meant in a bad way) and they were surprised that I was a sound person.

MrWalsh · 03-03-2015 10:41am

You need to ask someone. Ask someone you trust why they think you dont go on many dates.

If you are getting flirted with by attached men you already know then is it that your guard is down with "safe" guys but youve shields up for strangers?

What about asking men out yourself? You might need to start being proactive here and asking people out. I used to know a very cheeky guy who would literally ask all round him in a disco (back in the day!) "do you wanna dance, do you wanna dance" - the other guys would slag him off for literally asking anyone but this guy knew it was just a numbers game, if 20 girls said no, number 21 would dance with him.

Unfortunately all meetings in pubs/clubs are based initially on what each other looks like and how easy they are to approach. Maybe youd have better luck with activities like clubs/societies/classes - where people get to know you a bit better and then that might lead to a date?

Pippy1976 · 03-03-2015 4:16pm

I am like you. Got loads to offer but never in a position to meet anyone - social circle narrows as you get older.

I was reading a weekly article in the Sunday Times. Katie Glass tried Tinder for a while.. not for a relationship but to meet people over a coffee etc.

I decided to give it a go. Nothing to lose, right?

Right! I met a wonderful guy and things are going well so far. I would've dismissed the app. previously but something about how she wrote about it made me feel like it was worth checking out. It's simple. It's somewhat anonymous if you want it to be. You have NOTHING to lose. GREAT way to meet people for friendship or possibly more.

you sound like a great catch.. I think approaching it from a fun point of view will teach you to really learn to let go. you don't have to meet up with guys with the express interest of a relationship but just getting out there is SO refreshing.

Good luck!

p.s. I would also say that I have the ice-queen thing about me - I'm older and I don't embrace the leering, bleery-eyed drunkeness with the same vigour as I did in my 20's. If I don't like someone I make it obvious.. i'm too old for that crap.

p.p.s. the guy i met is 5 years younger than me. that's not a huge amount so if I were you i'd be making myself open to the possibilities of dating younger men. All the guys the same age as us are dating / married anyway, right?!

lookingforsomething wrote: »

Hi everyone. I would love if someone offered me advice on this matter.

I am a 39 year old woman, approaching her 40th. I have a young outlook on life though and would look much younger and act younger than what I am.
I have been single for a long time (years). I had self esteem issues my whole life and in the past few years I seem to have overcome these to the point where my self-confidence is really good.

I've finally come to a point in my life where I realise my value and think that I am a great person. I really like who I am. I am an attractive girl. I am slim. I spent years with an eating disorder and now I really like my body, I have no hangups any more. I know people will think I sound arrogant, but I'm not. I spent most of my life at war with myself and it is a massive relief to be at peace with myself.

I also work in the creative field and love my job. It's not financially secure but it's something I love with my heart.
I am always trying new things and love adventure. I am passionate about life in general and want to do as much as possible.
I am also a kind person and love looking after people.

My biological clock isn't ticking anymore (I went through a painful acceptance that maybe I may not have kids - I didn't just wake up one day and say 'No kids' - it was a process).
I am open to them either way - biological or adopted or none - It's not a dealbreaker with me anymore, so there isn't that pressure.

I also have no kids from a previous relationship, no divorces or broken engagements. I would just be a single, never-married person.

OK just trying to paint a picture of me on a good day I have faults of course too.

Anyway I have been single for a long time and am just trying to figure out why I am, since I think I would make a great girlfriend.

The guys I like are either married/in relationships/gay/too young/not interested. I tried going after younger guys but this led nowhere.
I've watched as year after year all my single friends pair up and I am forever making new single friends.
This is really getting to me now. It's really crap getting to a point in your life where you think you're great but no other guy thinks so

I also don't really tell everyone I'm single. I went out recently with some new friends and one of the girls found out and (she was drunk) made a big deal about my single status - she was in disbelief and really loudly proclaimed that she couldn't believe I was single. I was kind of mortified to be honest. Like it was a stigma.
I know she meant well, but I almost feel vulnerable if people know I'm single at my age, like I'm some desperate Bridget Jones type.

I am also not a fussy person - I'm not waiting on a Brad Pitt type. I would like someone that I'm attracted to that's kind and funny.

Ok sorry this post is so long. I would just like advice on how to meet people. Should I tell people that I'm single and looking?
Is there something I'm doing that may be putting guys off?
As time goes on, it's hard not to think that there is something 'off' with me.

P.S. I've done online dating and speed dating before and they weren't for me.

Thank you so much for reading

Advice needed - Long time single

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