Black tie wedding or no??

Pecker31 · 24-10-2014 9:23pm #1

Hi all we are in the very early stages of planning our wedding and I have always loved the Idea of a winter wedding and black tie.

I know a lot of people say it's put pressure on guests renting out the suit etc but it would be my dream to have it. We are thinking of February sometime.

We are not doing it to be pretentious but you get married once and we both want our dream wedding

Is it ok to have black tie nowadays...

Cienciano · 24-10-2014 9:27pm

Obviously it's your choice in the end and people will have a great day no matter what but.......
I hate the idea of going to one, and anyone I know that went to one really hated the idea too

Pecker31 · 24-10-2014 9:28pm

Cienciano wrote: »

Obviously it's your choice in the end and people will have a great day no matter what but.......
I hate the idea of going to one, and anyone I know that went to one really hated the idea too

Ya... That's my fear!

ABajaninCork · 24-10-2014 9:34pm

A Black Tie wedding so soon after Christmas might not be the best idea. People are still recovering financially from Christmas and certainly won't appreciate the expense of hiring/buying suitable Black Tie attire.

Having said that, I've seen a few Black Tie weddings where the women just wear day dresses. Not even a cocktail dress!! The men seem to wear lounge suits and black ties. Nobody seems to do Black Tie properly now...

Toots · 24-10-2014 9:34pm

It's your wedding so it's completely up to you what you want to do. The reality is that black tie weddings can work out more expensive for guests for the reasons you've outlined.

I recently declined a black tie wedding invitation because it would have cost us too much to rent a tux for the hubby and buy a suitable dress for me (I hadn't anything fancy enough to go black tie). If it had been a 'regular' wedding we'd probably have been able to go because we've both got stuff to wear already. For the guys hiring suits can be a bit of a pain in the arse.

Honestly though, it's your wedding day and if it's your dream to have black tie then by all means go for it, but it could mean that you might get more declines than you would have had you not had black tie, or have relatives grumbling about extra hassle/expense. It might be a good idea to run your idea past someone in your family or maybe your bridesmaids/groomsmen before you decide on anything 100%.

Beaner1 · 24-10-2014 9:35pm

Please don't. It's one of probabky 5+ weddings a year your guests. Most don't want to be there so make it as easy as possible for them.

Toots · 24-10-2014 10:50pm

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Having said that, I've seen a few Black Tie weddings where the women just wear day dresses. Not even a cocktail dress!! The men seem to wear lounge suits and black ties. Nobody seems to do Black Tie properly now...

That's a good point actually, now that you mention it most of the black tie weddings I've seen pics of lately have had a lot of women just wearing long dresses (fancy now but not proper 'black tie') and a lot of the guys are just wearing normal black suits....with a black tie! :pac:

smallerthanyou · 24-10-2014 11:01pm

Only been to one. Not a fan. I know you saying not doing it to be pretentious but I feel comes across that way anyway.

Depends on your people and venue. If your getting married in a castle and most of your friends and family own tux then fire away. If everyone has to rent one for a standard hotel wedding then probably feels like trying to be something its not.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. Just feelings I got from the one I was at.

Typer Monkey · 24-10-2014 11:50pm

In my opinion it's a big imposition on your male guests what with the expense of hiring a tux and then the hassle of returning it. Once everyone gets into the function room most of the men ditch their jackets anyway (if not beforehand) so bar the dickie bow you loose the effect anyway. I'm not really sure what the desired effect is really..is it uniformity? The dickie bow?

I haven't been to one since the Celtic tiger roared either

Beaner1 · 25-10-2014 8:53am

You'd have to have the ceremony in the evening a well. Daytime and black tie is a serious faux pas.

sydthebeat · 25-10-2014 8:56am

Will children be going? Will they be black tie too?

Personally I would hate it, to "uniformly"

fits · 25-10-2014 9:33am

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say, if that's what you want to do, go for it. Weddings can be expensive to attend but you can save guests in other ways perhaps. Black tie wouldn't be a big deal for us as we'd attend a ball once a year anyway, so have all the accoutrements. Maybe your guests would be the same.

Teyla Emmagan · 25-10-2014 9:54am

I have a million dresses in my wardrobe but none of them are fancy enough for black tie. I would actually be really cheesed off if I had to go off and buy a floor length gown for just one day. They cost a fortune and are really hard to rent if you're not a pretty standard size. To be honest OP I would be declining your wedding invitation.

ABajaninCork · 25-10-2014 10:21am

fits wrote: »

Well I'm going to go against the grain and say, if that's what you want to do, go for it. Weddings can be expensive to attend but you can save guests in other ways perhaps. Black tie wouldn't be a big deal for us as we'd attend a ball once a year anyway, so have all the accoutrements. Maybe your guests would be the same.

I too am accustomed to Black Tie events and do have a couple of suitable dresses. I've also got a couple of evening wraps, bags and shoes. But - What's the betting lots of people don't? And lots of them don't dress properly for it anyway. It's expensive to get the right outfit especially for a BT event and I don't know if there's many shops where you can hire a dress. Lots where you can hire a tux of course! Neither do I think it's right to have a BT wedding so soon after Christmas. But it's not my wedding and the OP must have the wedding she wants. But she mustn't be surprised if people decline because of the cost.

Personally, I love BT events, but hardly any BT weddings here and at home in London are done properly.

ABajaninCork · 25-10-2014 10:24am

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I have a million dresses in my wardrobe but none of them are fancy enough for black tie. I would actually be really cheesed off if I had to go off and buy a floor length gown for just one day. They cost a fortune and are really hard to rent if you're not a pretty standard size. To be honest OP I would be declining your wedding invitation.

Don't worry about a floor length gown. A short cocktail dress will do just fine!

Rob Thomas · 25-10-2014 10:33am

You will know yourself if your guests are the type of people who would enjoy a black-tie wedding or would be used to attending formal events and have the clothing to suit.

If you intend having children at the wedding, and would want the black tie theme to be as formally followed as possible, I don't know how this would work. You could relax the code ,but this would be just like any other wedding in the end then.

If you really want a black tie wedding and you want to make it as formal as you can, then go for it. It's a day which should meet all your own expectations and dreams. If it were me, I would recognise the extra cost for my guests and try to make it cost neutral for them against a "normal" wedding eg. Maybe advise that you realise there is an extra cost for them in attending and that you don't expect a wedding gift. That will make sure that you get what you want and none of your guests will decline simply based on cost, which I'm sure you won't want them to have to do.

zubair · 25-10-2014 10:35am

The more comfortable your guests are, the more fun they will have. Fact!

Milly33 · 25-10-2014 12:27pm

I wouldn't say no to one, but I would think if ye are doing it that you need to let people know in plenty of time what kinda style is required so if they do need to go buy a new ball gown they have lots of time.. You could do it black tie but then have fun things there, nothing to say it has to be fuddie duddie... Must say I wouldn't be one to wear fancy dresses but actually think the idea is nice... Sometimes it is nice to dress up...

Malari · 25-10-2014 1:15pm

We were invited to one a year or so ago, but declined. I could probably have found something suitable to wear among my dresses, because I sure wasn't buying a new one, but the tux hire would have been expensive. In fact my boyfriend was planning to buy a black suit and black tie that would have been used again for about the same price as the hire. I don't know if it would have been "proper" black tie, but so few people know what that is! So even if you do go ahead with black tie, you will probably not actually get black tie.

cactusgal · 25-10-2014 3:55pm

+1 to the poster who said that if you have a black tie wedding, tell the guests not to bring a gift. That way, they might end up spending the same amount of money (maybe?) as going to a non-black tie weddings where they would normally bring a gift. I definitely wouldn't expect guests to fork out extra cash for a formal outfit AND give a gift as well (but that's just me).

Arbiter of Good Taste · 25-10-2014 3:59pm

cactusgal wrote: »

+1 to the poster who said that if you have a black tie wedding, tell the guests not to bring a gift. That way, they might end up spending the same amount of money (maybe?) as going to a non-black tie weddings where they would normally bring a gift. I definitely wouldn't expect guests to fork out extra cash for a formal outfit AND give a gift as well (but that's just me).

The thing is, people will still bring gifts. It's like putting that cheesy bit on the wedding invitation about your presence is the only present the bride and groom want - nobody minds that.

SameDiff · 25-10-2014 4:27pm

If I got an invitation for that, it would be straight in the bin.

What is going on with Irish weddings? Give them a sh*t load of good food and drink, that is why they are called "guests".

ilovespudss · 25-10-2014 5:06pm

SameDiff wrote: »

If I got an invitation for that, it would be straight in the bin.

What is going on with Irish weddings? Give them a sh*t load of good food and drink, that is why they are called "guests".

So you would be delighted accept an invitation from a friend or family.... But once it's on your terms? Straight in the bin, nice.

OP, if black tie is what you want to have, have it. Most people on this forum are constantly beating the drum that 'it's your day' and you should have it the way you want... Until of course you might put a few people out. That's going to happen regardless, please yourself.

Beaner1 · 25-10-2014 5:08pm

It's not really your day though. The wedding ceremony is for the couple. That is their moment.

The celebration party should be about the guests, like any party that is hosted.

ilovespudss · 25-10-2014 5:15pm

Beaner1 wrote: »

It's not really your day though. The wedding ceremony is for the couple. That is their moment.

The celebration party should be about the guests, like any party that is hosted.

That's fair enough, I don't disagree with you.

But the line trotted out over and over again is its your day, have it how you want. That's the standard position of mist posters, until it costs then a few quid.

Why are weddings not casual affairs, why do people wear suits and dresses at all and not jeans and a shirt/top?

tinkerbell · 25-10-2014 7:41pm

No OP, just no. Black tie is pretentious and a huge pain in the ass for your guests.

rainbowtrout · 25-10-2014 11:03pm

ilovespudss wrote: »

So you would be delighted accept an invitation from a friend or family.... But once it's on your terms? Straight in the bin, nice.

OP, if black tie is what you want to have, have it. Most people on this forum are constantly beating the drum that 'it's your day' and you should have it the way you want... Until of course you might put a few people out. That's going to happen regardless, please yourself.

Normally I would also say, do whatever pleases you, but black tie wedding puts out the vast majority of guests, most men would have to rent a tux and many women would not have a suitable dress for a black tie event and more than likely have to buy one. That's not just a few guests, it's almost all of them.

25-10-2014 11:34pm

I don't know about anyone else but I do not like being told what to wear, in fact I hate it and I too would throw the invite in the bin.
I know it's the couple's big day but I don't have to attend, I'd just send an RSVP.

hurleronditch · 25-10-2014 11:56pm

Someone touched on it earlier but black tie is a colloquialism for evening wear. You will be asking your guests (if you are having the stereotypical irish church/ceremony at lunchtime followed by drinks dinner etc) to put on evening wear in the morning, or very early afternoon. It's very wrong.

I know people think it looks great but the thing is most men have a decent suit, with a couple of nice shirt and tie combos. You are asking most of them instead to put on a ratty cheap rented tux from some kip that has been vomited on and dry cleaned 20 times already from college balls and debs, with a nasty cheap thin weave white shirt, with a wing collar, which is hideously out of fashion anyways.

I know it seems like the classy choice, but just think what you are actually asking all the males at your wedding to wear. Most males are quite fashion conscious now, and even old Uncle Tom if he goes to his local diapers will get a nice modern cut suit for himself. Instead these lads leave them all at home and pay 60 quid for something I wouldn't mop the floor with.

Jesus that was a rant. Sorry. Go with what makes you happy. Just think about what will make you happy on your wedding day though.

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 11:06am

If you are expecting guests to attend a black tie wedding then you should be offering a free bar for the night to offset the additional cost. All black tie weddings I've been to have done that.

Rubberchikken · 26-10-2014 11:17am

whatever happened to the day when 'guests' or even 'friends' received an invitation to a wedding and were happy to accept or unable to accept, simple as.

now it's judge people on their choice of invitation, venue, service, food, outfits, type of wedding.

it is the bride and grooms day. most of them put a lot of effort into this day or weekend (in some cases), and are thinking about them and everyone that will be there.

i've never been to a black tie wedding. tbh the few i've been were all the same. men with jackets off the moment the service was finished. women in dresses that for the most part, they didn't look comfortable in. and when they start boozing, no one looks good.

so bride and groom, your decision.

PhoenixParker · 26-10-2014 11:24am

I think a good guideline when planning what sort of wedding to have is that it should be like the type of nice party you & your social circle attend regularly, only a bit fancier.

You know your social circle best. If they're the type that attend an awards/charity ball once or twice a year then a black tie wedding is appropriate. Otherwise I'd skip it.

26-10-2014 11:27am

If you move in circles that attend a number of black tie events, ok, but if not, you'd be putting potential guests under a lot of pressure and many would just look at "Black Tie" and say "Sod that" and decline.

amdublin · 26-10-2014 11:33am

Deleted User wrote: »

If you move in circles that attend a number of black tie events, ok, but if not, you'd be putting potential guests under a lot of pressure and many would just look at "Black Tie" and say "Sod that" and decline.

I came on to post exactly this ^^^

I was at a black tie wedding and the thought "far from black tie you were raised" kept going through to my head.

Beaner1 · 26-10-2014 11:36am

Rubberchikken wrote: »

whatever happened to the day when 'guests' or even 'friends' received an invitation to a wedding and were happy to accept or unable to accept, simple as.

now it's judge people on their choice of invitation, venue, service, food, outfits, type of wedding.

it is the bride and grooms day. most of them put a lot of effort into this day or weekend (in some cases), and are thinking about them and everyone that will be there.

i've never been to a black tie wedding. tbh the few i've been were all the same. men with jackets off the moment the service was finished. women in dresses that for the most part, they didn't look comfortable in. and when they start boozing, no one looks good.

so bride and groom, your decision.

An invitation is basically a €500 bill arriving in the door.

Arbiter of Good Taste · 26-10-2014 11:47am

amdublin wrote: »

I was at a black tie wedding and the thought "far from black tie you were raised" kept going through to my head.

I thought I was the only person that thinks that!

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 11:50am

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

I thought I was the only person that thinks that!

I think most people secretly do but as long as there is give and take by the bride and groom (eg no presents expected and /or free bar) peiole will put up with it.

Addle · 26-10-2014 11:53am

CaraMay wrote: »

If you are expecting guests to attend a black tie wedding then you should be offering a free bar for the night to offset the additional cost. All black tie weddings I've been to have done that.

Deciding to host a black tie event is a reflection on your ability to afford more than a traditional do.
If you go through with it, you should take it all the way.
As a guest, I'd expect a no expense spared do in a premium venue, with exceptional decor and food options, free-flowing champagne as well as a free bar.

cactusgal · 26-10-2014 11:59am

^^This. Well put. If you can afford to host a bash like this, then go for it.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 12:30pm

CaraMay wrote: »

If you are expecting guests to attend a black tie wedding then you should be offering a free bar for the night to offset the additional cost. All black tie weddings I've been to have done that.

For teatotallers, it's not much of a consolation though. I guess they save on buying drinks for others though.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 12:33pm

Rubberchikken wrote: »

now it's judge people on their choice of invitation, venue, service, food, outfits, type of wedding.

Rubberchikken wrote: »

i've never been to a black tie wedding. tbh the few i've been were all the same. men with jackets off the moment the service was finished. women in dresses that for the most part, they didn't look comfortable in. and when they start boozing, no one looks good.

Or, judge the guests in your case.

Also, you've never been to a black tie wedding but the few you were at were all the same. Huh?

ilovespudss · 26-10-2014 1:14pm

You should also make sure the venue you pick is within 10 miles of everyone invited so people can cut out the cost of an overnight stay, anyone that has kids should be compensated for any child care involved with the day and also cover any mileage costs.

Also don't forget to make everyone sends you their dry cleaning bill in the weeks after the wedding.

I might have missed some costs involved but this should ensure everyone is happy and hasn't cost them a penny to attend your day.

All weddings should be completely free for guests for them to grace you with their presence.

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 1:25pm

ilovespudss wrote: »

You should also make sure the venue you pick is within 10 miles of everyone invited so people can cut out the cost of an overnight stay, anyone that has kids should be compensated for any child care involved with the day and also cover any mileage costs.

Also don't forget to make everyone sends you their dry cleaning bill in the weeks after the wedding.

I might have missed some costs involved but this should ensure everyone is happy and hasn't cost them a penny to attend your day.

All weddings should be completely free for guests for them to grace you with their presence.

As free wedding would be great but that's as elusive as an honest politician

You seem to overlook the fact that weddings are only really important for the couple and some people close to them. For 9/10 of the people invited it's a logisticial and financial headache.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 1:38pm

CaraMay wrote: »

As free wedding would be great but that's as elusive as an honest politician

Eeeeh, I get the impression that poster was being tongue-in-cheek.

ilovespudss · 26-10-2014 1:51pm

CaraMay wrote: »

As free wedding would be great but that's as elusive as an honest politician

You seem to overlook the fact that weddings are only really important for the couple and some people close to them. For 9/10 of the people invited it's a logisticial and financial headache.

Fully aware of this, I've been to my fair share of weddings. They've cost me, like most people,a small fortune at this stage but I chose to go to them fully aware of what they cost to attend.

There's a lot of people that comment on here that still seem to resent that wedding cost money to go to.

If your prepared to spend the money, then go, if your not then don't. If you received an invite for a black tie wedding, and would throw it straight in the bin (as was said in an above post) then you probably shouldn't be going to the wedding in the first place

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 2:03pm

People resent that the bride and groom often don't care about the cost of the weddings for guests. A point in case is adding the cost of renting a tux because 'I want it!!!!'.

My strong view is that a wedding should always have a free bar and transportation put in (where possible giving location) as these people are guests and the true definition of a guest is someone you have invited. When you invite someone you should make sure they have a great day and it doesn't cost them a fortune. Most brides, because they think it's all about their day, don't care how much it costs everyone else. I think that's very wrong.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 2:07pm

ilovespudss wrote: »

Fully aware of this, I've been to my fair share of weddings. They've cost me, like most people,a small fortune at this stage but I chose to go to them fully aware of what they cost to attend.

Black tie weddings cost way more than an average to attend, with the exception of foreign weddings. And there's the added hassle of having to hiring a tux if you don't own one or buying an evening dress if same. Not all women would buy a new outfit for every wedding usually. I know I don't.

ilovespudss wrote: »

If your prepared to spend the money, then go, if your not then don't. If you received an invite for a black tie wedding, and would throw it straight in the bin (as was said in an above post) then you probably shouldn't be going to the wedding in the first place

Very unfair assessment. The extra costs of a black tie event might push it outside of what you can afford.

jon1981 · 26-10-2014 2:12pm

No no no no and no!!

Unless you are from the aristocracy you will be hated for it! Added hassle, added expense , added unhappy resentful guests!

We are planning our wedding and while yes it is our day, you also have to remember the guests need to be looked after, they are travelling taking time off work, spending money...etc. to attend!

We are doing everything to make sure our guests will enjoy it equally as much as we want to.

Tarzana2 · 26-10-2014 2:14pm

CaraMay wrote: »

People resent that the bride and groom often don't care about the cost of the weddings for guests. A point in case is adding the cost of renting a tux because 'I want it!!!!'.

My strong view is that a wedding should always have a free bar and transportation put in (where possible giving location) as these people are guests and the true definition of a guest is someone you have invited. When you invite someone you should make sure they have a great day and it doesn't cost them a fortune. Most brides, because they think it's all about their day, don't care how much it costs everyone else. I think that's very wrong.

Went to a December wedding last year where absolutely everyone had to travel far to get to it. It wasn't held anywhere near where either the bride nor groom grew up. Or in any of the places where most of their friends lived (ie. Dublin, Galway, Cork). Everyone had to traipse to a church and venue in the middle of nowhere 150kms from where she was from and probably 300kms from where he was from, in stormy weather! For a winter wedding especially, why would you make people travel far in what will likely be crap driving conditions?

jon1981 · 26-10-2014 2:16pm

CaraMay wrote: »

My strong view is that a wedding should always have a free bar

This is crazy talk! I'm pretty sure 99% of the population would not hold this belief!

CaraMay · 26-10-2014 3:04pm

jon1981 wrote: »

This is crazy talk! I'm pretty sure 99% of the population would not hold this belief!

I said it was my view. When I invite people to events - birthdays, christening a etc it's always on the basis that they bring nothing. That's just the way I do it. I would rather a small wedding and a free bar than a big wedding that costs the guests a fortune but I know I'm the exception.

Black tie wedding or no??

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