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Marriage troubles

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  • 21-08-2015 7:06pm
    #1
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭


    Im a guy in my 30's married with 4 wonderful kids. I've been with my wife since we were in school - we've been together for pretty much all of our teenage and adult lives.

    Over the past few weeks my wife broke the news that she's not happy and feels like we're drifting apart. She feels there is no spark there between us anymore and thinks we're more like good friends than partners. When we speak about it she says she's very confused and wants to give it time. Spend more time apart rather than more time together.

    I feel like i just can't cope with this news - its such a complete shock to the system when i thought we were genuinely happy. I haven't really cried in about 10 years, but since we started discussing this I keep breaking down regularly. I cant cope with the idea of her with someone else or us being apart from each other.

    We've discussed counselling but she really doesn't want to go down that route - something that tells me its all too late in her head... :(

    I keep trying to put it all in perspective - things could be much worse with illness, etc but finding it really hard to shake this feeling.

    Have any other people here been through the same issues?
    Any advice on how best to get through a time like this?

    Thanks for reading.


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    #2
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    Hi OP

    I can hear the heartbreak in your post.

    These things never just crop up, it has obviously been brewing for some time.

    If she has asked for space, then let her have it. I know that may sound upsetting and scary, but it sounds as if she needs to reassess what she wants. Unfortunately there is little you can do if she is not prepared to try counselling.

    What has your relationship been like? Do you make time to do things as a couple or has it all been raise the children and putting their needs before your own?

    I'm sorry to hear of your pain. It must be awful living in limbo like this. Hopefully one way or the other you will find out where you stand soon.


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    #3
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    Sunflower 27 wrote: »
    Hi OP

    I can hear the heartbreak in your post.

    These things never just crop up, it has obviously been brewing for some time.

    If she has asked for space, then let her have it. I know that may sound upsetting and scary, but it sounds as if she needs to reassess what she wants. Unfortunately there is little you can do if she is not prepared to try counselling.

    What has your relationship been like? Do you make time to do things as a couple or has it all been raise the children and putting their needs before your own?

    I'm sorry to hear of your pain. It must be awful living in limbo like this. Hopefully one way or the other you will find out where you stand soon.


    Thanks for the reply, yeah limbo is a good description - thats exactly how i feel right now.

    Our relationship is generally a happy one - we almost never argue and are intimate regularly. We did get away for a rare long weekend away recently without the kids - but we rarely get to do much together in honesty... not nearly enough time together as a couple. Hopefully that hasn't been a cause for us drifting apart.

    At the moment she doesn't feel like spending time together will fix anything. We see so much of each other day to day with the kids - she feels like space is the best thing now so I'm doing my best to try give her that.

    Hopefully some space and time will fix this.
    But it just doesn't seem like it at the moment.


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    #4
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    brenbyrn wrote: »
    but we rarely get to do much together in honesty... not nearly enough time together as a couple. Hopefully that hasn't been a cause for us drifting apart.

    I would be surprised if that did not have something to do with it.

    Could you maybe broach this with her as a way of getting her to open up about her feelings?


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Please please listen to her and give her this space.
    I was in her shoes except my then husband didn't wanna hear what I had to say.
    For me, I felt like I was going through the motions,day to day same old same.

    You say you're regularly intimate-but is it good for her, do you still kiss, cuddle, is there something you're not seeing?
    Also, as a married couple you can spend too much time with your partner and everyone needs their own space and time.
    I felt he crowded me at times and slowly the intimacies for me became just mediocre and I was lost.
    Counselling can help,I know you say she doesn't think she wants this.But whatever you do, avoid Accord.
    Am wondering does she feel like shes going through the motions every day?Is this it?
    Early 30s, is this my life for ever more or is there more to it?

    We separated and will divorce next year.
    If we could've stayed together without the intimacies it would've been grand except that who wants to be married to their friend without a sexual side?


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    #6
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    anonymousposter posts wrote: »
    Please please listen to her and give her this space.
    I was in her shoes except my then husband didn't wanna hear what I had to say.
    For me, I felt like I was going through the motions,day to day same old same.

    You say you're regularly intimate-but is it good for her, do you still kiss, cuddle, is there something you're not seeing?
    Also, as a married couple you can spend too much time with your partner and everyone needs their own space and time.
    I felt he crowded me at times and slowly the intimacies for me became just mediocre and I was lost.
    Counselling can help,I know you say she doesn't think she wants this.But whatever you do, avoid Accord.
    Am wondering does she feel like shes going through the motions every day?Is this it?
    Early 30s, is this my life for ever more or is there more to it?

    We separated and will divorce next year.
    If we could've stayed together without the intimacies it would've been grand except that who wants to be married to their friend without a sexual side?

    I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.
    Thanks for your message it really helps put things in perspective for me.

    This sounds exactly like the situation we're in at the moment.
    I think there's a horrible groundhog day feeling about everything, with no real escape for her. We see so much of each other with the kids without any real excitement.

    I'm doing my best to give her some space - but afraid the more space i give her the more we'll drift apart. We're talked it over a lot and are trying to get away seperately without each other for the next while to see if some time apart will help.


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    #7
    sm213
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭sm213


    What's your situation at home?
    Do you work?
    Is she a stay at home mam or does she work?
    Genuinely curious as I know I get frustrated at home with my partner. We've two young kids and can not afford childcare so I stay at home.
    Sometimes I get jealous that he has a life outside the family.
    I do tell him this though we talk and a lot . Communication is key.
    I will go back to education in the next year or two. I feel a vit more myself then.
    Its so easy to lose your identity and become just mammy.


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    #8
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    sm213 wrote: »
    What's your situation at home?
    Do you work?
    Is she a stay at home mam or does she work?
    Genuinely curious as I know I get frustrated at home with my partner. We've two young kids and can not afford childcare so I stay at home.
    Sometimes I get jealous that he has a life outside the family.
    I do tell him this though we talk and a lot . Communication is key.
    I will go back to education in the next year or two. I feel a vit more myself then.
    Its so easy to lose your identity and become just mammy.

    Yes I am working and she stays at home with the kids (and has done for years now which really can't help) but is hoping to go back to work soon. I can see exactly where you are coming from - it must be so tough being isolated at home with a house full of kids day in / day out.

    I hope that with a new job on the horizon, some more time for herself away from both me and the kids - it might help refresh everything for us.

    Thanks for this - really is helping me see things from her side.
    We talk a lot and we're very honest but sometimes its difficult to communicate everything you're feeling.


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    #9
    sm213
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭sm213


    brenbyrn wrote: »
    Yes I am working and she stays at home with the kids (and has done for years now which really can't help) but is hoping to go back to work soon. I can see exactly where you are coming from - it must be so tough being isolated at home with a house full of kids day in / day out.

    I hope that with a new job on the horizon, some more time for herself away from both me and the kids - it might help refresh everything for us.

    Thanks for this - really is helping me see things from her side.
    We talk a lot and we're very honest but sometimes its difficult to communicate everything you're feeling.

    Its cabin fever sometimes. And especially now with summer holidays, a few weeks of sh1tty weather so kids play up.
    Not even the break of school to sit down for 5 mins.

    Its probably very overwhelming with 4 I've got two and I feel like this a lot.
    Can't wait for my little one to go back to school in September.
    She might even feel a bit better about it then.

    A job will be amazing for her, she will be a new person.
    Just being able to talk to other people , make friends, or just to be you without the get me a drink, I want this, she did that.

    I hope you guys get through this. It seems like just a rough patch.

    I found I didn't want to talk about this issue with my partner as I want him to work and be happy. I don't begrudge him that and I am grateful that he provides and cares for us.
    I held it in for a while because I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel that what he was doing was wrong.

    Ultimately it's my issue and I've found a solution.

    Maybe just let her know that you appreciate what she does and understand it must be hard. Might help her talk about it if that's the issue.


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    #10
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    sm213 wrote: »
    Its cabin fever sometimes. And especially now with summer holidays, a few weeks of sh1tty weather so kids play up.
    Not even the break of school to sit down for 5 mins.

    Its probably very overwhelming with 4 I've got two and I feel like this a lot.
    Can't wait for my little one to go back to school in September.
    She might even feel a bit better about it then.

    A job will be amazing for her, she will be a new person.
    Just being able to talk to other people , make friends, or just to be you without the get me a drink, I want this, she did that.

    I hope you guys get through this. It seems like just a rough patch.

    I found I didn't want to talk about this issue with my partner as I want him to work and be happy. I don't begrudge him that and I am grateful that he provides and cares for us.
    I held it in for a while because I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel that what he was doing was wrong.

    Ultimately it's my issue and I've found a solution.

    Maybe just let her know that you appreciate what she does and understand it must be hard. Might help her talk about it if that's the issue.

    Thanks for that - yeah hopefully its just a rough patch, but it really doesn't feel like it at the moment. Its feels so different to anything we've ever been through before.

    I realise now i just need to try and give her more space and time to herself and hopefully with more time we can work it out. Thanks again.


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    #11
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    So that horrible feeling of living in limbo has passed at last when I found out the truth. My wife told me she was with someone else and has been in touch with him for the past while.

    Devastating news but the relief of knowing the full truth is better than where I was (I think!!). Not knowing what the hell was going on was literally driving me insane!

    It's over between us for sure now but we're going to try and live together for the kids. I don't know how long it will last but all we can do is try.

    Trying to put things in perspective, we're all healthy so hopefully we can get through it and still be friendly for the kids sake. I think we can be.

    Anybody here in the same situation that have separated but stayed together in the home for the kids?


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    #12
    sm213
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭sm213


    So sorry to hear brenbyrne.
    There's actually been another post on the living together separated in the past few days.
    Seems it doesn't work if you are on bad terms but possible if you can be civil and friendly etc.
    Shouldn't be too far down.


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    #13
    Boxandchair
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Boxandchair


    For practical and financial reasons you may need to live together until you have digested this information and found an outcome or compromise to childcare, accommodation costs, bills, shared responsibility, etc. However I wouldn't underestimate your children's intelligence, if there are vibes or unrest within their home they will feel that, even if you are making efforts to be civil. Think hard about what is really best for you, your children and their mother...She may want increasingly more space to facilitate a new relationship, this will have an impact on you and your children if you are all still sharing a home. Hope you are well, stay strong


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    #14
    wadk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 104 ✭✭wadk


    Sorry to hear that op
    I presume you still are deeply in love with your wife and would like to give it a go again if she came to you, you have to ask yourself what are your feelings for her
    Maybe best you discuss what happens if she's still dating this guy and so on
    I know for sure I couldn't stay there and would have to leave because sometimes all the bitternes comes to a head and its not what the children need to see
    In dolphin house in dublin during mediation a key point was to remember to treat the situation as a businees type situation because feelings come and go and sometimes offence can be crossed by trying to relight old memorys

    Sorry again op


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    #15
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    Thanks everyone, that's helping see the situation a bit more clearly. I definitely feel more for her than she does for me right now so it will really depend if we can stay good friends and have a good relationship for the kids.


    I went out for a few drinks with a mate and got very emotional. Alcohol definitely doesn't help anything in a situation like this - I'll be staying away from drink for a long time now.


    Knowing she has someone else to talk to daily is pretty tough. I spoke about it to her and she said she wouldn't talk to him for a while but I know is back in contact less than a week later. Not much respect there really and that hurts knowing she has this.


    I don't want to tell her to not be in touch with somebody. Maybe if I start getting in touch with someone new it might help speed up the process for me.

    So how do you do this dating thing again?! ;)


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    #16
    discodiva92
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 353 ✭✭discodiva92


    How did she manage 4 kids and an affair did you find out


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    #17
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    discodiva92 wrote: »
    How did she manage 4 kids and an affair did you find out

    She was with him when out one night without me and has been in touch since.


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    #18
    Sound Bite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    Ask her to move out.

    She knowing placed her marriage and family life at risk when she choose to have an affair.

    The person who chooses to walk away from the marriage, should have to leave. She changed things, not you.


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    #19
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    Donnydont wrote: »
    There's plenty of space outside the home, there is an entire planet and the man she had the affair with can stay out.

    On the plus side you are a single man now and can be with whoever you want. I wouldn't being anyone into the family home though for the sake of your kids. The family home should be out of bounds for any boyfriends or girlfriends.

    Thanks yes we've discussed this and the kids are 100% priority. I think we can keep our separate relationships outside of the home and still give the kids a happy and loving family.

    We're lucky that we have space in our home to move into separate bedrooms so we've started planning that. It's all very quick but I think it's much better to do it quickly than months of pain which could have really destroyed our friendship.

    She's not a bad person. Feelings change, people change and I guess you can't live a lie for the rest of your life.

    We are both healthy and the kids are healthy which is far more important.


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    #20
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    brenbyrn wrote: »

    Knowing she has someone else to talk to daily is pretty tough. I spoke about it to her and she said she wouldn't talk to him for a while but I know is back in contact less than a week later. Not much respect there really and that hurts knowing she has this.


    I don't want to tell her to not be in touch with somebody. Maybe if I start getting in touch with someone new it might help speed up the process for me.

    So how do you do this dating thing again?! ;)

    Please do not even think about dating at the moment. What your wife did is terrible and of course the fact that she found someone else is going to sting. But for you to go looking for someone new at a time when you're in deep shock and you're in the middle of a major life upheaval is not healthy. You can't use someone else to get you over this, you have to work through the pain yourself (and with support from your friends, family and maybe a counsellor). Wait until you're actually ready for a relationship, otherwise you'll set back your own progress and hurt another person. And think about how it will affect your kids.

    I really feel for you OP, nobody deserves this and it will be really tough for a while, but you will get through it and it will make you a stronger person than you ever imagined. Give it time though, and lots of it.


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    #21
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    Sound Bite wrote: »
    Ask her to move out.

    She knowing placed her marriage and family life at risk when she choose to have an affair.

    The person who chooses to walk away from the marriage, should have to leave. She changed things, not you.

    I've thought about this. Believe me. :( But I think it might only go more harm than good for everyone.

    To separate the kids from their mother would be devastating. I'm trying to put the kids first and not let our relationship issues effect the rest of their childhood.

    If we can remain friends in the house I hope the kids can grow up with 2 happy parents.


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    #22
    brenbyrn
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭brenbyrn


    Flying Fox wrote: »
    Please do not even think about dating at the moment. What your wife did is terrible and of course the fact that she found someone else is going to sting. But for you to go looking for someone new at a time when you're in deep shock and you're in the middle of a major life upheaval is not healthy. You can't use someone else to get you over this, you have to work through the pain yourself (and with support from your friends, family and maybe a counsellor). Wait until you're actually ready for a relationship, otherwise you'll set back your own progress and hurt another person. And think about how it will affect your kids.

    I really feel for you OP, nobody deserves this and it will be really tough for a while, but you will get through it and it will make you a stronger person than you ever imagined. Give it time though, and lots of it.

    Thanks a lot for this. Random words of kindness on the Internet can really help a lot :)

    She has no interest (or need, it seems) for a counsellor - but I think it might help me. Im starting to see how different we really are now - she's not the same person I married at all.

    I'll take your advice and avoid other relationships for a while. Thanks. I only ever saw that as something to help me move on but I can see what you mean - if I'm not ready it might just cause more heartache. Thanks again for the advice.


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    #23
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    I'm sorry op but I think the idea of living happily ever after with your ex wife and raising your kids in this completely fake happy family is nuts!
    You may not want to face the full reality that your marriage is over and the consequences of that fact but really, this living together as 'friends' for the kids sake is not a practical or logical solution. It may be a financial constraint but really your not doing your kids any favours by staying living together once the marriage ends.
    Do you think your kids want to be lied to? Do you think they won't know it's weird mom and dad don't sleep in the same room? Don't you think that once the love you have for your wife turns to anger or resentment they won't find themselves stuck in the middle?

    Lots of people separate and successfully raise their kids in happy healthy individual environments. As a child of divorce, my parents lived together too long after they should have called it a day and it did awful damage to my sister and I, it was a relief when my dad moved out and now as an adult I have asked why the hell they did it for so long... For us apparently?!? I have told them both that was a big mistake!

    I am also now raising a child in a shared parenting scenario, it was tough at the start but works great now, completely 50/50 parenting, week with me, week with her dad... Every second birthday and Christmas. We are not together and faking it would be awful for her, sure I miss her when she's with her dad but she spends more time with him than most of her friends do with their dads in the marital homes!

    All I'm saying is you should start mediation, life is changing, your marriage is over and there is no point pretending otherwise, your kids are not an excuse to stay pretending all is fine, it's insulting to them, will end in tears and they won't thank you for it in my experience.


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    #24
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    Agree wholeheartedly with the above. OP I'm very sorry for what you're going through, and I think this initial shock and numbness is deceiving you into thinking some sort of a 'happy families' scenario will be workable. And that you'll be able to have your own respective relationships outside the family home and then come together in a 'united front' for the kids.

    The reality is far, far different. Read the above post again. Kids are smart and very sensitive. A close friend of mine grew up in a loveless marriage like this, parents in separate bedrooms, no affection ever expressed between them, parents on different planets but 'keeping up appearances' for the sake of the kids. She has had a lifelong struggle with trust and relationship issues of her own. She finds it difficult to be affectionate or intimate with anyone and she tells me it's because she had no working example of a healthy, loving relationship. They never embraced, they never held hands. They spoke about each other with resentment and apathy.

    This is all very new and very raw for you and I don't envy you the road ahead. You really need head space and separation from each other to begin to process this but I suspect that is a luxury you can't afford. I know there are financial as well as the obvious familial ties.

    But I also think your way of 'putting the kids first' is absolutely arseways. It will unquestioningly damage them to try to keep up this facade. Their mother and father need to be happy and fulfilled in order to provide them with the emotional example and support they need and you will have neither of those things in a loveless marriage.


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    #25
    laserlad2010
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭laserlad2010


    OP,

    Hold a second... am I right in saying that she is having an affair?

    The tone of your posts suggests you have forgiven her already...

    Best of luck with that, she is getting everything her own way = firstly spinning it all as being your fault then dropping the bombshell of another man in the picture.

    You're welcome to deal with that as you see fit, but if the genders were reversed lots of posters would suggest throwing him out of the house, etc.

    I think you should give her an option - if she wants to give things another go then fine, if she still wants this other man then she needs to leave the house, begin separation etc.


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    #26
    beyondbelief67
    Registered Users Posts: 550 ✭✭✭beyondbelief67


    My ex and I lived together for a few months after I found out he cheated.
    We had separate rooms, and wanted to try to stay friends and civil for the children, he was going to move out when our youngest was a bit older and more able to understand.
    Unfortunately it didn't work like that, things soon turned toxic and we ended up utterly despising each other and barely able to communicate.
    But still trying to keep up a pretence for the children.
    But children are far wiser than we give them credit for and when he left they said to me how it was like a light had gone on and the dark clouds had lifted.
    So please don't do things thinking it's better for the children, you might really start resenting what she has done when you have time to think, and that's normal but the children really do pick up in these things, more than you know.
    But goodluck op and stay strong.


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    #27
    Compu Global Hyper Meganet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 108 ✭✭Compu Global Hyper Meganet


    I think that any counsellor you go to who is worth his/her salt would just shake you by the shoulders in frustration OP!

    When your wife decided to cheat on you, she didn't just treat you with contempt. She also treated your children like sh1t. She is the one who has shown no respect for her family. The time to do right by her children was when she was presented with the prospect of sex with some random guy- where were her maternal instincts then?

    Your whole tone is a little bizzare OP. You seem to be completely accepting of her appalling behaviour, which she has shown no remorse for. Did she even apologise? In all honesty, I worry about your self esteem. Nobody with any sense of self worth would put up with what she has done.

    Incidentally, even leaving aside the above issues, do you really trust this woman to stick to your agreement that the house is out of bounds for romantic interests? You asked her to refrain from speaking to this guy for a while and she did anyway! She has no respect for you (or your children). If you agree to this, mark my words that this guy will be in your house the second you leave for work every morning before you know it. She's also probably going to try to force you out of the house anyway.

    Advice: Pick up the phone to your solicitor, tell him everything and establish your legal rights. Let him know that you'd like to initiate divorce proceedings, and want at least 50% access rights to your children. Tell your (hopefully soon to be ex) wife that you have no intention of living with her or leaving when you have done nothing wrong, so she should move out.

    You are worth more than what she thinks you are OP. Rediscover your self respect and best of luck!


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    #28
    b_mac2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 454 ✭✭b_mac2


    Donnydont wrote: »
    OP I certainly wouldn't leave the house, if anyone has to leave the house she can as she is the one who is having sex with another man. If that's not practical for her then you will have to just live in separate bedrooms. You don't have to lie to your children. Just say the nature of your relationship has changed so now you are just friends so you sleep in separate rooms just like most friends do

    It doesn't work like that here in Ireland unfortunately. If the OP wanted to go down that route, the wife would end up holding all the cards.


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    #29
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,647 ✭ [Deleted User]


    brenbyrn wrote: »
    So that horrible feeling of living in limbo has passed at last when I found out the truth. My wife told me she was with someone else and has been in touch with him for the past while.

    Devastating news but the relief of knowing the full truth is better than where I was (I think!!). Not knowing what the hell was going on was literally driving me insane!

    It's over between us for sure now but we're going to try and live together for the kids. I don't know how long it will last but all we can do is try.

    Trying to put things in perspective, we're all healthy so hopefully we can get through it and still be friendly for the kids sake. I think we can be.

    Anybody here in the same situation that have separated but stayed together in the home for the kids?

    That's awful. Nasty piece of work. You are better off without her.


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    #30
    discodiva92
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 353 ✭✭discodiva92


    Get onto a lawyer get stuff on record cause the men seemed to get screwrd


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    #31
    Minderbinder
    Registered Users Posts: 2,030 ✭✭✭Minderbinder


    So let me get this straight OP. You're going to stay in and mind the kids while your wife goes for date nights with another man. He's taking her and none of the responsibility. He must bloody love you OP.

    My advice would be stop being so accommodating. She's walking all over you and using the kids to get the perfect setup.

    Your response is absolutely unbelievable to me OP.

    You need to make her see the reality of the situation . You need to talk to every lawyer you can find. You need to get evidence of her betrayal (record conversations or whatever). I'm not saying you'll need to use that but you need to cover yourself and don't think she's not thinking the same thing. She could have anything planned. DO NOT DATE ANYONE. She might use that against you.

    Finally, you need to start talking to her about separation, custody of the children, divorce and all that scary stuff. See how much she is really willing to risk for this new man.

    Ask her if she really thinks this man is willing to help bring up her four children and be partly responsible financially for them.

    She's not living in the real world. Please, introduce it to her. Good luck.


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