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Elderly Parents...OR....Husband & Kids.
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19-08-2015 2:46pm#1Hi y'all! I need a bit of help with this one please. I already spoke with one friend, as I trust her.
My elderly parents, are putting pressure on us, their children, to be with them, 24/7.
My dad has been ill forever, and hasn't worked in about 30 years. My mother 'cares' for him. Now, us kids are all grown up, with our own little families, jobs, houses, pets etc. It's no surprise that we all moved as far away from them as possible. Due to our up bringing. Dad was a walk over, mother was a tyrant.
We have (and I know this sounds bad) been waiting for something to happen with him for about 20 years now. He goes right to the edge of death, and bounces back...everytime. I know though, that wont go on forever. We are told every year (for 20 years) this is your dads last birthday/Christmas. Pressure is then put on us to 'accomadate'. Every year, us siblings fight amongst eachother about this. It sounds something like 'Well, we had her last year, cant you have her this year'.
She is very wicked, and cruel with her comments. As my sister said...'She is reaping what she has sown' (again a reference to our brutal upbringing)(brutal is the only word to use)
Now, we all love our dad. Like REALLY love him. Even though he allowed alot of her brutallity. We still Love him. WE would have him living with us in a shot...no questions asked. But, she has copped onto this, and so uses his health issues to her advantage.
It kills me to say this, cos even seeing it written down looks stupid, but we have to make an appointment with her, when we can visit him. We must go through her first. He isnt hooked up to eectrical devices or anything like that, he's just old, and sickly. We only call there any more to see him. She is too wicked to deal with. But we must 'run it all by her first'. She controls conversations, starts arguments, and guilt trips all of us.
She told me flat out on the phone that when she was my age with a family, hubby, pets, house etc, that She COULD do it 'all' now no one can do it ALL! Even I know that. But when I explained that we were busy this summer with the kids off school, and that we had alot on, etc, well, that was an issue for her. I was making excuses not to call, to be honest. Truth be told, the house we grew up in was filthy, she did nothing all day long only argue and fight. This was common knowledge. But she has managed to wipe that from her memory. The house is a cleaner nowadays. But thats only cos of the weekly doctors visit. Or the district nurse etc.
We all grew up, with our life on hold. Literally. Life revolved around the two of them. When we all got married, there was blue murder. God forbid we would start a life of our own. Can I just mention I too am a carer. One of our kids is special needs. Actually one of his cousins is too. So, myself and my sibling is a carer. This doesn't count though.
We have tried everything to help btw. We were raised to feel guilty, so naturally as adults we have done our best by them. Never enough.
So far over the last 5/6 years we have: Arranged meals on wheels, cos they kept getting sick from the state of the place. She'd buy food, put it the fridge, ontop of already opened food, gone off. Never cleaned the fridge out....Flies, maggots. Oh for flip sake, I could write a book. When ever I called, Id clean...shed get insulted. Cant win. So anyway,
Meals on Wheels. They were promptly told to go take a jump, she didnt like how the beef was cooked ( they were getting it for free)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAILY!!!!!!
Home help.NO way! not allowed inside the door!
Shes the type of woman that prefers to P*ss and moan to us on the phone about it all,the stress & strain, but wont accept any help. What can we do?
She emotionally black mails us about our father 'I hope you can live with yourself when he is gone' As if we have done something wrong. ???
She expects DAILY...yes DAILY fone calls.
Weekly visits.
We cant, we just cant. We all have so much on already. Who wants to willing call there, knowing that we will get a hurl of abuse from her before we leave. She lives for the argument. Its always a fight. Our dad is the sacrafice. She know how much we love him you see, and uses that against us. She resented us girls growing up cos of how we loved our daddy!
Her phone calls go on for hours, repeating herself over & over. About stuff from years back. Abuse, and a filthy tongue on her! I know some might say she's just venting. But that means she has been venting all her life? She tells lies to degree that the lies are shocking! Truly shocking. Shes a manipulator.
To wrap it up, we feel 'brow beaten'. Emotionally drained. Life sucked out of us. I have had no contact with her for two weeks, the best 2 weeks of my life.
She has basically put it too us that 'We are a daughter first, wife & mother second' and I dont think thats right! Advise please?1
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Oh my. You poor things. Can I ask, if you just turned up at the door to see your dad, what would happen? Also, how does she treat him when you are not there?0
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Oh God what a horrible situation - I really feel for you.
As the last poster has queried, I'l also interested to know what would happen if you just turned up to see your Dad.
Also, what would happen if you suggested taking your Dad out somewhere? ie, putting him in the car, taking him to your house and cooking him a roast dinner?
Is he well enough for that?
That's just one little suggestion, it doesn't solve nay of your problems though - the only thing I can really think of to suggest is to say stand up to her?
You're an adult now, don't take the way she speaks to you - tell her that it won't be tolerated.0 -
It sounds eerily like my own parents. My mother is mentally ill (diagnosed bipolar but I'm certain she's also got at least one personality disorder). She also controls my dad and is very selfish. The meals on wheels thing happened exactly the same way with my parents too.
First off, do not feel guilty. After the way you were brought up you owe your mother nothing. I completely understand that you want to help your dad as I've been through this myself, but you need to put yourself first and remember that he chose to be with your mum. He chose the life he has and he chose to let you and your siblings grow up in a chaotic situation. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but he is where he is due to his own life choices. You can't sacrifice your own well being to save someone like that...
I won't cut my parents off completely but every so often I do block their number so I can have a breather. If I don't, my mum rings incessantly to talk nonsense and oftentimes to dredge up old stuff from the past. It sounds like your mum is mentally ill too and sometimes you need to protect yourself, no one will judge you for that.
Have you thought about getting counselling for yourself?0 -
Flying Fox wrote: »It sounds eerily like my own parents. My mother is mentally ill (diagnosed bipolar but I'm certain she's also got at least one personality disorder). She also controls my dad and is very selfish. The meals on wheels thing happened exactly the same way with my parents too.
First off, do not feel guilty. After the way you were brought up you owe your mother nothing. I completely understand that you want to help your dad as I've been through this myself, but you need to put yourself first and remember that he chose to be with your mum. He chose the life he has and he chose to let you and your siblings grow up in a chaotic situation. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but he is where he is due to his own life choices. You can't sacrifice your own well being to save someone like that...
I won't cut my parents off completely but every so often I do block their number so I can have a breather. If I don't, my mum rings incessantly to talk nonsense and oftentimes to dredge up old stuff from the past. It sounds like your mum is mentally ill too and sometimes you need to protect yourself, no one will judge you for that.
Have you thought about getting counselling for yourself?
That's really good advice.0 -
Your mother does seem very tiring.
I grew up with my grandmother living with us.
The only thing I would defend your mother in would be the calling before you can visit. My grandmother used often be tired and wouldn't be able for company everyday. She used wear herself out with doctors/nurses/daycare centre and friends. If everybody called within a day/two days she'd be weak for the next couple of days.
Towards when she got older my grandmother used go to day care(one day during the week)and meals on wheels used bring the dinner. She used always be saying that the meat was bad/veg was undercooked and we didn't really believe her until we saw the dinners and they were poor but going by your post your mother found it hard to manage anyway.
Older people often feel entitled to daily phone calls and attention because a lot of them was raised to believe they'd look after you and you'd look after them when needed. This culture is changing tough.
Honestly I don't really know what advice to give you except not to feel guilty because it's very hard to deal with difficult elderly relatives( I know a good few people who's been in your position over the years with elderly relatives who moan and complain and nothing is never good enough. The best thing to do not take her to heart. You could also contact the district nurse about your dads care. I found tough they don't really mind a house being untidy/messy tough.0 -
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With regards to the food issue, could you and your siblings maybe make extra portions of food that can be frozen (ie Stew, Bolgnese, Soup, Chilli, Lasagne, curry) and put it in your parents freezer for them?
Then your Mum would only need to heat them up.
I do know that's more work for you but I'd be concerned about your Dad eating well and if you all helped out with it, it might not be so much work after all.
My parents done this when my Nanny was sick and my Grandad struggled with the cooking. He was delighted with it, it really helped him.
Although of course, going by your description of your Mum maybe she won't accept this type of help anyway...0 -
Thanks for all the answers every one, I didnt know what to expect. Can I start by saying I suffer from sever anxiety, that is made worse by stress. But the peace I have felt over the last two weeks, has been lovely. Not a bad word has been spoken in this house!
Anyway....I have been following some people online, life coaches etc. They sound like they make good sense, and alot of what they say rings true. So they are a great help.
She does YES have a mental disorder. She is a nut job! Nuts!!! But in a bad way, vindictive and manipulating.
If I turned up, without notice. I'd be the worst in the world. Guaranteed. She would go mad if someone else was there, and If I or my siblings arrived on unexpectedly. She'd like the idea that *Mary calls in on Monday, *Maria on Tuesday, *Majenta on Wednesday...etc. Whether they actually can call is irrellevant. Now if Mary & Maria call together, on the same day. WAR!!!! That means no one is there to listen to her, on the other day? Am I making sense? Did I mention she is a nut???
None of us would ever be allowed any time on our own with Dad, never mind taking him away for a few hours. She controls everything, including what is being spoken about. Conversations etc. :-(
I did stand up to her, had war with her on the phone 2 weeks ago.
She wont except any food that we cook them. Shes is a lunatic, and has accused one family member of giving them food poisioning. We ALL ate at that meal, and none of us got sick. She keeps buying food, but cooks hardly any of it. It sits there and Rots. She is pass remarkable about other people though.
With regards to how Dad is treated when we aren't around. She complains that he isnt as helpless as he lets on. Could do more for himself. Constantly arguing with him. She really knows NOW what it feels like to be a wife and 'mother'. She never did anything when we were all living at home. Now she finds herself having to get up at a reasonable hour in the morning. Something she always hated doing. She now has to go to bed at t proper time. Cos now she has someone to take care of. Appointments to go to etc. Shes tired from it, God love her (sarcasim). She moans about this. Dad hasnt worked in 30 odd years, So he was the one cooking/cleaning (if you could call it cleaning). When he got sick she had to do what she should have been doing all along, for the last 40 years. So she moans about it. She always boasts about her cooking abilities, but never cooked!!! We all cook better than her, so naturally she wont eat our cooking! Like someone here said, I filter her calls, just for a breather. BTW when we used to get a hammering years ago, shed lay into Dad too. He was more of a child then us!
Her usual habit would be, relax around the house all day. Maybe do a bit of gardening. Around 5pm, hop into bed, read the papers. doze off. wake at around 10 pm, and Jeez, I havent heard from *Mary today, Ill give her a ring. *Mary has just hopped into bed after a hectic day, but if she doesn't take the hour long fone call shes the worst in the world! It's a joke.
One of the district nurses heard her kick off at Dad one day, Mother never heard the nurse at the door. The nurse said nothing but mentioned to their doctor that maybe the mother wasnt coping. The doc mentioned it to the mother, and she laughed it off. Im telling you, she needs help but is too 'cute' to accept help. Nothing wrong with me, type of person. Takes no responsibility for anything. A NUT JOB! with a wicked streak.
My friend said, under no circumstances give into her. My friend knows my mother well. I was told that there is nothing wrong with putting my hubby & kids first. If she was a normal MAmmy, Id be there in a flash. Would have bought a house next door to them even. But she isnt normal. She's one of 'those' mothers. Thanks a mil for everyones advise! x0 -
Hi OP - would it be an idea to move your father to a care facility, a nursing home or one of those independent living complexes. (Sorry I'm not sure what age his is or how able bodied he is so don't take offence when I suggest nursing home). You (plural) could imply to your mother that it is to give her a break, she must be exhausted looking after your dad, she's been great doing it that last x number of years and should have some time now etc etc. Make her think that it is really for her benefit. But in fact it would be for yours and your dad's benefit. He may get better care, better food and you could visit him when you want without having to deal with your mother.0
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I have to say I agree with your mother about unannounced visitors - my parents are both in ill health, and even 1 visitor a day tires them out. And that's when its planned. Unannounced visitors make them very hassled. I know your situation might seem a bit different, as I think you feel that your mother is blocking you from visiting - but why not set a particular day every week, or every two weeks, that you visit? You'll get to see you Dad that way, and cut out some of the drama with your mother. Also, it's their house, and you don't live there anymore - I don't think adult children should feel free to visit whenever they feel like it/suits them, without checking with the parents first. Depends on the family dynamic - but I don't think it should be taken as a given.
Another thing to mention is that it might be better if you visit alone. I know from family experience that kids visiting can be very stressful if someone is ill, so your Dad might not really be able for that every time you visit.
Also, given your Dads illness, I don't think it's as unreasonable as you think to give a 10 minute phone call every day. Maybe every second day, if you feel you can't handle daily contact. Again, that might cut some of your mothers drama.
I think your relationship with your mother is a separate issue from visiting them, and checking in with them. It is possible to keep visits & phone calls brief and to a certain agenda. From what you've said, I'd be very reluctant to engage in long phone calls or weekend long visits though.0 -
I posted a few mins ago re agreeing with some things your mother said - I do think she's being v off about meals though.
I wonder would a partial solution be to bring a 'shop cooked' chicken with you, and one of the trays of prepared veg that you can put in the oven? It's not 'your' cooking then - and so removes any chance for her to treat it as a judgement of her cooking. Or maybe bring them 'treats' - a cake you bought, M&S prepared meals (their meal deals are fantastic value).
Just a thought on taking the heat out of things. If she doesn't like the things you bring, don't get offended, and don't take them back. Let her bin them every week if she likes - I think that might take the wind out of her sails re drama0 -
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Again wonderful advice. My dad did qualify for a few weeks stay in a care home. We were delighted, cos it meant she got to have a break, so we didnt have to listen to it. That sounds very selfish, I know, & Im sorry, but we have had our fill. Again she qualified for this, for free. He stayed there 3 days out of the expected 14 days. She took him out of it. He told her (they bother tell lies exceptionally well) that he wasnt being taken care of properly, trips to the loo was becoming an issue. So, she pulled him out, and told them where to go! Now think about it, If we ever needed to go to that care home again we couldnt!
With regards to lying, she plays up this forgetful thing. Now, I know what you are thinking, maybe its the start of dementia, or maybe she is SOOO stressed that she is forgetting things. But she was always able to dodge the bullet with her deniability. Anyway, I dont mind ringing ahead to arrange a visit. With kids and working, it has to be arranged anyway. But what do I do when she 'forgets' that I am supposed to call, then has war with me on the fone, cos she forgot I was calling! Like I did something wrong! She has done this to all of us, in our turn. Then verbally attacks us, saying no one ever calls! Its a no win situation. A nut.
With the food thing. She wont accept it. She accused a family member of food poisioning. Which was a lie. She almost took on an establishment in town, with the same story, many years ago. But chickened out of it. Thankfully, or we would be shamed! She also attacked a girl (I knew very well) inside a deli counter, in front of customers. She didnt see the girls changing her gloves and assumed that she was using dirty gloves. Its embarrassing. I wont even be seen with her in town. For fear of people connecting the 2 of us.
No, I spoke to a sibling & a good friend about this. I just have to accept that We will never be allowed a relationship with our dad, she rules the roost. He is too old to take her on now. But Im too old to allow her to attack me/us all the time. Ill have to let him go unfortunately. At least he knows how we feel about him, and vice verse. Thats a guarantee. Thanks again :-)0 -
She sounds obnoxious. Personally I'd leave off appeasing her in any way shape or form. Your Dad enabled her throughout the years from what you say, so leave him to it now. He's made his bed.
Don't answer the phone to her- you have enough to be getting on with in your own home. Don't call to the house either. Give it a few weeks and if she shows signs of behaving herself then call if it suits you. She'll soon get the message. The only reason she is as she is, is that she's been let away with it. Time to call a halt no matter how old she is , or your Dad for that matter.0 -
Ok I'm going to go against the grain here and apologise beforehand if you take offence as none intended.
I think after the years of growing up in a tough household with very little if any love from your mam you've become quite bitter and resentful (understandably so). You said you were always daddies girls and blame her behaviour. What you seem to almost dismiss is that your dad enabled her treatment of you and him. He was the other adult responsible for you yet he appears to have let her abuse you. You've stated he lies as well so he's hardly blameless.
Until you face this you are unlikely to ever find peace so as you said you suffer from severe anxiety I assume you see a medical professional, I'd suggest asking to see a counselor to talk things over.
As for dealing with her I'd get together with your siblings and arrange a timetable to call and visit. Give her a copy saying it's so you can all know she's ok. This way you might only have to call a couple of times a week and visit even less. The state of the house will be addressed by the home care team if they really think it's an issue so don't concern yourself with that.0 -
OP, your mother may be a Narcissist, i.e. she may have narcissistic personality disorder. With Narcissists it's all about THEM. They use whoever they can to get attention for themselves. I reckon your father is so stressed from living with her that he gets sick from it all.
Imagine having parents like that and no siblings - one a narcissist and both of them getting sick to the point of death and then bouncing back. Imagine this happening from the time you were a child. Imagine having had to seriously restrict your life and your ambitions because of it. Imagine being single and childless in your 40s because of it. Imagine having auto-immune health issues because of the stress of it all and having to put your health issues to one side, no matter how serious, because they will always be in a worse state than you.
If you have siblings it's still tough, but a hell of a lot easier than if you had none.
OP, I don't know how many siblings you have but can you all get together and work out some sort of a rota to see your parents once or twice a week or more often if you wish. One of you can call them every day or maybe one of you can call in the morning and the other in the evening. Again have this on a rota basis so duties are shared. If they aren't accepting help from social services you can't do anything about that. If you think your mother is giving your father a hard time could you and your siblings get together and talk to the family GP? It might not be a bad idea to talk to the family GP to see what kind of care they need if you haven't done so already.
I will give you this advice - put your own children first. They come before your parents, especially if they have special needs. There is nothing wrong with putting your children first. And look after yourself. If your health goes who is going to look after you?0 -
Your children and husband should come before your parents.0
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She sounds obnoxious. Personally I'd leave off appeasing her in any way shape or form. Your Dad enabled her throughout the years from what you say, so leave him to it now. He's made his bed.
Don't answer the phone to her- you have enough to be getting on with in your own home. Don't call to the house either. Give it a few weeks and if she shows signs of behaving herself then call if it suits you. She'll soon get the message. The only reason she is as she is, is that she's been let away with it. Time to call a halt no matter how old she is , or your Dad for that matter.
You're right there. He allowed it. He was always too soft for her. But was still the better one of the two if you know what I mean! I understand that she is the way she is cos it was allowed, but she lives for the argument. I have tried tough love with her before. She has learned the pattern! Thanks for advise :-)0 -
Ok I'm going to go against the grain here and apologise beforehand if you take offence as none intended.
I think after the years of growing up in a tough household with very little if any love from your mam you've become quite bitter and resentful (understandably so). You said you were always daddies girls and blame her behaviour. What you seem to almost dismiss is that your dad enabled her treatment of you and him. He was the other adult responsible for you yet he appears to have let her abuse you. You've stated he lies as well so he's hardly blameless.
Until you face this you are unlikely to ever find peace so as you said you suffer from severe anxiety I assume you see a medical professional, I'd suggest asking to see a counselor to talk things over.
As for dealing with her I'd get together with your siblings and arrange a timetable to call and visit. Give her a copy saying it's so you can all know she's ok. This way you might only have to call a couple of times a week and visit even less. The state of the house will be addressed by the home care team if they really think it's an issue so don't concern yourself with that.
She wont allow a home care team in, Of any sort. With regards to anxiety, I was on medication for it. But have since come off it. It didnt totally agree with me. tbh But thanks for advise :-)0 -
OP, your mother may be a Narcissist, i.e. she may have narcissistic personality disorder. With Narcissists it's all about THEM. They use whoever they can to get attention for themselves. I reckon your father is so stressed from living with her that he gets sick from it all.
Imagine having parents like that and no siblings - one a narcissist and both of them getting sick to the point of death and then bouncing back. Imagine this happening from the time you were a child. Imagine having had to seriously restrict your life and your ambitions because of it. Imagine being single and childless in your 40s because of it. Imagine having auto-immune health issues because of the stress of it all and having to put your health issues to one side, no matter how serious, because they will always be in a worse state than you.
If you have siblings it's still tough, but a hell of a lot easier than if you had none.
OP, I don't know how many siblings you have but can you all get together and work out some sort of a rota to see your parents once or twice a week or more often if you wish. One of you can call them every day or maybe one of you can call in the morning and the other in the evening. Again have this on a rota basis so duties are shared. If they aren't accepting help from social services you can't do anything about that. If you think your mother is giving your father a hard time could you and your siblings get together and talk to the family GP? It might not be a bad idea to talk to the family GP to see what kind of care they need if you haven't done so already.
I will give you this advice - put your own children first. They come before your parents, especially if they have special needs. There is nothing wrong with putting your children first. And look after yourself. If your health goes who is going to look after you?
Oh ya, she is definitely a Narc. A bitter twisted one. Lies, & manipulation. The idea of seeing her even once a month, puts a not in our stomach. None of us wants to be around her. We ring eachother, when it's 'our' day to call. Just for a bit of moral support, we tell eachother what we need to hear to get through the 2 hour visit. she uses triangulation you see. Trys to talk about each of us, to each other. There is the scapegoat in the family, and the golden child who is also a flying monkey. She has cried wolf so many times, we just dont care anymore. How horrible is that? not actually caring anymore.
On one occasion, when our dad was very ill, she let one of my siblings believe he was most definitely going...on the way out....this is it. She know this sibling was a considerable distance away, maybe 300 miles. Well turns out my dad pulled through. But our mother wouldnt let us ring this sibling to let them know that the panic is over. We sat in disbelief, knowing this sibling would be in an all mighty panic to get to the ICU to see Dad. She sat and ground her teeth at us, and told us it was 'her place' to ring this sibling, and let them know. 'When Im good and ready' We just kept on about it, until she finally rang. How horrible. That sibling could have crashed on the way down.
Someone here mentioned contacting her doctor, now THAT IS something Ive been thinking of, its doable. God forgive me for saying this, but Im ready to let go of Dad now. and if I could have her sectioned I would. Just to draw a line under all this once and for all. Thanks again everyone, Im sure I know what I need to do now. x0 -
Hi op,
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you, it is a horrendous situation for all to be involved in.
I think you got very good advice on the posts, also I would agree with your friend on this, she knows the situation better than anyone.
You said yourself you will just have to accept the situation for what it is.
You have to mind your own mental health, all this nastiness is no good for anyone. Mind yourself and your children, they are your responsibility.
Your parents chose their own lifes and acted the way they wanted, your not responsible for them.
Help yes if you can but make sure you keep good boundaries.
I wish you all the best, just try to stay strong for yourself & mind yourself, you deserve a good life.0 -
This is a dreadful situation for everyone involved. Reading it I can't help wondering if your mother is dreadfully stressed by your fathers ongoing serious illness? Her behaviour, like inability to keep on top of hygiene and nutrition, raise warning flags for me that she's seriously floundering and unable to cope. Like others have said her taking charge of visiting times for your dad might be her protecting him, she might feel she's doing her best when in reality it's just not good enough. I could imagine that if she's desperately floundering she could feel quite angry that the people she feels could help her will not ie. her kids. It might not be appropriate but it could be understandable in the context of a dramatically overburdened mental state.
I think if I were you I would contact her doctor and relay those concerns and see what he thinks?
Personally I'm not someone who thinks a person should just drop their parents once they leave home and become adults or that you've no responsibility there. If your dad is nearly dying all the time it would be understandable that your mum might be utterly at the end of her rope and it might be being expressed in all the wrong ways. It's an enormous stress. I think maybe you and your siblings should help and support her where you can in this situation. If you can't do it for her then do it for your dad. If he is that ill he'll see that the person he relies on for absolutely everything is pretty much crumbling mentally and it'll be a horrible pressure for him ,he might be baring the brunt of her unkind qualities too. Sometimes things like meals on wheels and home help make older people feel even more isolated from the help they feel they need from family. It can seem like "heres a sticky plaster for your gaping wound so I don't have to call over to you anymore". Might be better to try supporting her first in telling her you recognise she has a lot on her plate as sole carer of a very ill person and going softly from there.
Just a thought anyway and I don't mean it to devalue your awful experiences, sometimes though you have to set those aside when you see a household under that level of stress.0 -
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I don't want you to say but I'd love to know what your fathers illness is. Is it something that could be inflicted by another?.From what you've said about no care home/nurses etc I'd be worried about munchausen by proxy.0
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MyCocoBaby wrote: »She wont allow a home care team in, Of any sort. With regards to anxiety, I was on medication for it. But have since come off it. It didnt totally agree with me. tbh But thanks for advise :-)
By home care I meant drs and nurses as you mentioned the house is cleaner due to these visits. If they were overly concerned if was health effecting it would be flagged as an issue so don't worry about it too much.
With regards to the anxiety I would see if your dr could refer you to someone. You won't find a balanced relationship with her and your dad you are ok with without getting to grips with the way they behsve. The relationship is already impacting on your sibling relationships, you shouldn't have to lean on each other to get moral support to phone a parent, that isn't healthy.
Good luck0 -
Your replies are all about how your mother will react re visits, food, and how she has reacted in the past. Gotta say, that's going sort nothing. You're just focusing on her by doing this. You have to stop that, and focus on you.
So start being more proactive. I know it's hard. But you love your dad, surely you want to make his life better. Get a rota sorted with your siblings re visiting, and stick to it no matter what. And don't 'drop in' to visit. I really think that will take some of the poison away from your mother.
And ignore her past OTT reactions re food. Bring a cake. Bring something pre cooked. Bring treats. Just stop focusing on her past actions re food.let her bin it if she wants, just keep bringing it and not engaging in conversation about it.
You really need to focus on what you can do, as opposed to how she pissed you off in the past. Not easy, I know. I really do know that, from my own life. But focusing on everything she does that drives you mad is just going to kill you - not her. And your dad sounds like he really needs help, I don't think it's fair to abandon him, despite how he didn't seem to feel able to stand up to your mother in the past.
I don't think it's unreasonable of your mother to expect a visit every 2 wks, and a phone call every 2 days. You just have to make a plan about how to manage the interaction with her.0 -
I posted before... wrote: »Your replies are all about how your mother will react re visits, food, and how she has reacted in the past. Gotta say, that's going sort nothing. You're just focusing on her by doing this. You have to stop that, and focus on you.
So start being more proactive. I know it's hard. But you love your dad, surely you want to make his life better. Get a rota sorted with your siblings re visiting, and stick to it no matter what. And don't 'drop in' to visit. I really think that will take some of the poison away from your mother.
And ignore her past OTT reactions re food. Bring a cake. Bring something pre cooked. Bring treats. Just stop focusing on her past actions re food.let her bin it if she wants, just keep bringing it and not engaging in conversation about it.
You really need to focus on what you can do, as opposed to how she pissed you off in the past. Not easy, I know. I really do know that, from my own life. But focusing on everything she does that drives you mad is just going to kill you - not her. And your dad sounds like he really needs help, I don't think it's fair to abandon him, despite how he didn't seem to feel able to stand up to your mother in the past.
I don't think it's unreasonable of your mother to expect a visit every 2 wks, and a phone call every 2 days. You just have to make a plan about how to manage the interaction with her.
I hear what you are saying, I understand. But this woman constantly causes arguments. Where there is no need for one. Just to get a dig in. When all is aid and done she feels hard done by, by life in general. Has done since she got married. Tis very hard not to feel bitter, when all our life she was been so wicked and nasty. Tis very hard to turn the other cheek all the time. Im not the only one in the family that feels this way, we cant all be wrong.0 -
I posted before... wrote: »Your replies are all about how your mother will react re visits, food, and how she has reacted in the past. Gotta say, that's going sort nothing. You're just focusing on her by doing this. You have to stop that, and focus on you.
So start being more proactive. I know it's hard. But you love your dad, surely you want to make his life better. Get a rota sorted with your siblings re visiting, and stick to it no matter what. And don't 'drop in' to visit. I really think that will take some of the poison away from your mother.
And ignore her past OTT reactions re food. Bring a cake. Bring something pre cooked. Bring treats. Just stop focusing on her past actions re food.let her bin it if she wants, just keep bringing it and not engaging in conversation about it.
You really need to focus on what you can do, as opposed to how she pissed you off in the past. Not easy, I know. I really do know that, from my own life. But focusing on everything she does that drives you mad is just going to kill you - not her. And your dad sounds like he really needs help, I don't think it's fair to abandon him, despite how he didn't seem to feel able to stand up to your mother in the past.
I don't think it's unreasonable of your mother to expect a visit every 2 wks, and a phone call every 2 days. You just have to make a plan about how to manage the interaction with her.
She tells lies to 'bate the band'. The food thing, If I bring sweets stuff, she tells me she has diabetes, but never mentioned it to us. If I bring savory, she tells me she cant eat it, its not gluten free. HELLO? since when has she been gluten intollerant? Anything...Anything just to go against the grain. We say white..shes says black. We wont abandon him, its bad enough dealing with her emotional blackmail. I (we) feel its unreasonable to visit every forthnight. Shes a nightmare, travelling all the way just to be told how crap we are. No thanks.0 -
A lot of her behaviour is unacceptable. However a good bit of it sounds like a grumpy old woman such as Blanche(rip) from Coronation Street or Abi from the Simpsons.0
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I don't want you to say but I'd love to know what your fathers illness is. Is it something that could be inflicted by another?.From what you've said about no care home/nurses etc I'd be worried about munchausen by proxy.
His illness is a combination of a dikky heart, kidneys, and years of smoking fags. I know what you mean about the munchausen syndrome, would you believe its the direct opposite. She is keeping him alive. Now, I know that sounds very odd. I would love to really go into more detail, but Im terrified someone I know will read this and put 2 and 2 together. But she has already been tackled about consultants with regard to 'keeping him alive'. But she is as brazen as brass, and could face up to anyone. Shes a smart woman, knows about medication etc (that's all I can say). He is more than will to go, has been for some time, but she is not willing to let him go. Now you'd say, that the patient has the final word on that wouldn't you? well he wasn't 'allowed' until recently. Even the medical people caring for him are 'tired' of her. Shes a know it all. So regularly we get the 'come quick' phone call.
She knows (us siblings have discussed this) that when he is gone, she has nothing left to live for. She has burnt her bridges with us her children. When he is gone, what then? So she keeps him dangling over us. She knows our feelings for him, as opposed to her. We have said 'good bye' so many times to that man, there is no more tears left.
Now when you have all that combined with compulsive lying, exaggerating, drama, and just a cunning knowledge of how to 'work' people, you can see why we all don't care anymore. Literally. I didnt expect so many replies tbh. I had resolved myself to the situation. But at least I know now that my kids and hubby do actually come first, and that there is nothing wrong with that.
With regard to someone here mentioning 'having no responsibility' to them. Ive done (we have done) our fair bit for them. Only to be lied and spoken about behind our backs. Its not like she was a decent mother growing up, jeez if she was...it woudln't be an issue.0 -
Hi op,
I get totally what you are saying. It is very easy for people to judge when they haven't walked in your shoes.
Not all parents behave this way thankfully, and if they did all the posts would understand the dynamics of your situation.
You are a very kind person if not this wouldn't even bother you.
I get you, I understand what you are saying, you are doing your best but you cannot control or manage something which is beyond your capabilities.
It is very easy for people to judge when they are seeing things from there own experience.
Hold strong, you have not had the best a parent can give, and at the end of the day you do suffer.
You are not abandoning anyone, you are doing your best in a helpless situation.
My thoughts are with you.xxx0 -
Hi op,
I get totally what you are saying. It is very easy for people to judge when they haven't walked in your shoes.
Not all parents behave this way thankfully, and if they did all the posts would understand the dynamics of your situation.
You are a very kind person if not this wouldn't even bother you.
I get you, I understand what you are saying, you are doing your best but you cannot control or manage something which is beyond your capabilities.
It is very easy for people to judge when they are seeing things from there own experience.
Hold strong, you have not had the best a parent can give, and at the end of the day you do suffer.
You are not abandoning anyone, you are doing your best in a helpless situation.
My thoughts are with you.xxx
This 100%.
People simply don't understand unless they've had to deal with someone like your mother. It's not just a grouchy old woman, it's someone with a mental illness whose behaviour is damaging not only herself but the entire family. OP I totally get where you're coming from when you say that nothing you do to help is right, it all gets spat back at you or just ignored. There are social workers assigned to elderly patients, I'd look into that and see if there's any kind of advice they can give. If they feel your mum is a danger to your dad's health, maybe some kind of care plan could be put in place with limited involvement from her...0 -
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Thanks again everyone.I went back to my doctor today, had a chat with him. I'm on another lot of anxiety tablets. I'm hoping that it might dumb out alot of her antics. Combined with restricted contact (If he dies, he dies,what can I do like?).Its going into the third week now of no contact with her.
Thanks xxx0
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