I think my Marriage is over

FishOnABike · 20-10-2015 12:42am

@Colser, no offense intended I hope none was taken. Just intended to make to point to the OP that pinning hopes on mediation or wondering why his wife acted as she did is a counterproductive distraction at the moment.

His immediate priority has to be focused on the protection order and determining what can be done about it. If nothing is done about it, it becomes the new normal and inertia makes it and its consequences more and more difficult to undo.

In a perfect world a separating couple would treat each other honestly, fairly and with integrity in an atmosphere of mutual respect and come to a mutually acceptable separation agreement with the assistance of a neutral facilitator or mediator. Both parents would remain on friendly terms and co-parent in a cooperative manner. A few years later the same terms would be rubber stamped in a divorce hearing lasting a few minutes. The process would cost hundreds rather than thousands or tens of thousands of euro and save years of bitter fighting in court.

Unfortunately the world is far from ideal and in the OPs situation so far from that ideal as to make any notion of mediation totally unrealistic at present. He has already attempted mediation and it has been rejected by his wife. Any further effort on mediation at the moment is a waste of time, energy and mental effort that is more urgently needed to resolve the problems caused by the protection order.

I've come across the situation enough times, in threads here on boards and through direct and anectdotal experience in real life to realise the situation that the OP finds himself in is quite common. Unfortunately what we have is a legal system not a justice system.

The OPs children fully support him. He needs to focus on what he can do for them and how to do it. If his wife wants to reconsider mediation that can be looked at after the protection order is dealt with.

tmalmb · 20-10-2015 10:34am

I met my solcitors yesterday and they said nothing can be done to accelerate or bring forward these aligations. To my horror I've also discovered that I have 3 cases to challege
1. The Barring Order
2. The two arrests based on breach of the protection order

On top of this its likely that if I win the barring order case, the protection order will remain in place till the others have been heard.

I'm at my wits end, I've asked the solicitors to apply for custody which they will file the paper work on today, they are pushing for that to be heard on the same day as the barring order. I asked about getting my own protection order but they felt it was of no value.

Top all this off, my wife struck my youngest last night, called me distraught and I'm powerless. They got no dinner yesterday...soup was the offering. I'm calling social services today, I worried this might make things worse for me but I need some advice on my kids welfare

LegacyUser · 20-10-2015 11:01am

Op you say the inlaws live nearby, is there anyway they can step in to help ? or can your kids call social services to get them out of this situation. your wife seems to be having a some kind of mental breakdown and your kids now are the ones in the firing line.

stickybookmark · 20-10-2015 11:39am

tmalmb wrote: »

I need to figure out do I fight for the house or do I go rent, bring the kids with me then let's the separation process address the assets division

The house will eventually get sorted out in court because you were married. However I have no idea how long it will be until that court case is heard - do you have to wait 4 years for divorce hearing or will that be sorted at the separation stage?
By the way have you filed to legally separate, as you might as well get the ball rolling on the 4 year waiting period before divorce hearing?

Regarding the house even though you have been kicked out, you still have power - you pay the mortgage right? If only one of your kids remains there, the case for you to continue to pay that mortgage is significantly reduced - especially as the 12 year old is moving with you. Once you get your own place sorted and 2 of the kids move in with you, I would pay no more than half.

FishOnABike · 20-10-2015 12:49pm

tmalmb wrote: »

I met my solcitors yesterday and they said nothing can be done to accelerate or bring forward these aligations. To my horror I've also discovered that I have 3 cases to challege
1. The Barring Order
2. The two arrests based on breach of the protection order

On top of this its likely that if I win the barring order case, the protection order will remain in place till the others have been heard.

I'm at my wits end, I've asked the solicitors to apply for custody which they will file the paper work on today, they are pushing for that to be heard on the same day as the barring order. I asked about getting my own protection order but they felt it was of no value.

Top all this off, my wife struck my youngest last night, called me distraught and I'm powerless. They got no dinner yesterday...soup was the offering. I'm calling social services today, I worried this might make things worse for me but I need some advice on my kids welfare

Is this a barring order you have applied for, to have your wife excluded from the family home or has she applied for, or already obtained a barring order against you? I thought she had a protection order against you.

If you are applying for a barring order against your wife there is no reason why it should not be heard within days. An interim order can be made on an ex-parte basis almost immediately with no delay followed by a full hearing and final orders made all within little more than a week.

If you are being told any different you are not asking your solicitor the right questions or they are not willing to look for or work on the right answers.

The claimed breaches of the protection order are serious. With a protection order in place there can be a strong presumption your wife's allegations are true. You need to present irrefutable evidence that your wife is lying. Make sure your solicitor contests it as vigouously as they can. Do not rely on any reassurances that it will be ok on the day. You need to ensure you have a 100% watertight case up front.

I can't stress this enough. Leave nothing to the day of the hearing. Have your solicitor review your children's (and your own) sworn statements and ensure they are filed with the court before any hearing.

Hopefully this will be nothing more than a bad memory in the not too distant future. You have your children behind you and others there in spirit. I know what it can be like to be in a similar position and it can work out.

FishOnABike · 20-10-2015 1:03pm

stickybookmark wrote: »

The house will eventually get sorted out in court because you were married. However I have no idea how long it will be until that court case is heard - do you have to wait 4 years for divorce hearing or will that be sorted at the separation stage?
By the way have you filed to legally separate, as you might as well get the ball rolling on the 4 year waiting period before divorce hearing?

OP's solicitor can advise him on the preconditions for separation and divorce. If you look up the relevant acts they can both make similar orders.

In any case I think it is far too soon to go down this road. OP needs to focus fully on the immediate issues without unnecessary distractions. There's plenty of time to get advice on separation and divorce once the current crisis is dealt with.

tmalmb · 20-10-2015 1:43pm

FishOnABike wrote: »

Is this a barring order you have applied for, to have your wife excluded from the family home or has she applied for, or already obtained a barring order against you? I thought she had a protection order against you.

No, its the order my wife applied for when she got the interim protection order

tmalmb · 20-10-2015 1:45pm

FishOnABike wrote: »

OP's solicitor can advise him on the preconditions for separation and divorce. If you look up the relevant acts they can both make similar orders.

In any case I think it is far too soon to go down this road. OP needs to focus fully on the immediate issues without unnecessary distractions. There's plenty of time to get advice on separation and divorce once the current crisis is dealt with.

I agree, my immediate focus is the well being of my children, then the breaches of protection order, the barring order and then the challenge of the protection order.

I can't understand how this was allowed snowball and happen, the legal system is a complete joke

FishOnABike · 20-10-2015 2:21pm

tmalmb wrote: »

No, its the order my wife applied for when she got the interim protection order

In that case if her barring order application is not being heard within the next week ask your solicitor about you making your own emergency application for an interim barring order against your wife on an ex-parte basis.

What your wife us doing to you and your(pl.) children is emotional abuse, and from your post a bit above also physical abuse. You should be able to apply to the court to protect yourself and your(pl.) children against this abuse.

If you have strong enough evidence to conclusively prove your wife is lying I don't see why why this is not possible. If your solicitor says it can't be done I'd be looking for exceptionally strong reasons why not and getting a second opinion elsewhere.

Family Law seems to be like the wild west. Whoever draws first and fastest has the advantage. Your situation happens so regularly that it can't be coincidental. It's hard to believe that people abusing the system as your wife is are not, either implicitly or explicitly, being encouraged and advised to do so. Those responsible should be censured.

cbyrd · 20-10-2015 2:47pm

I'm going to ask what are maybe obvious questions, I've read the thread but can't make sense of some thing.

What was the initial barring order for?

As you are married you automatically have joint custody, why do you not take your children with you? Is something preventing this (as I said the barring order might cover this, so if its because of this)
If nothing is stopping you taking the children, could you move in with her parents temporarily with the children?
It's a difficult situation, but if the children are supporting you, if you take them into your custody, she then has to fight for access.
It may be of no help, or might already have been thought of and is impossible, but if not, it's worth a try.
Best of luck to you OP.

tmalmb · 20-10-2015 3:22pm

cbyrd wrote: »

I'm going to ask what are maybe obvious questions, I've read the thread but can't make sense of some thing.

What was the initial barring order for?

Its a protection order...my wife claimed I was abusive (all lies) and she feared for her safety. She's applied or the baring order on the same grounds. According to my solicitor this comes down to her word against mine...The children will speak on my behalf (if the judge allows it...we have to apply to the courts to allow this also)

cbyrd · 20-10-2015 8:54pm

tmalmb wrote:

Its a protection order...my wife claimed I was abusive (all lies) and she feared for her safety. She's applied or the baring order on the same grounds. According to my solicitor this comes down to her word against mine...The children will speak on my behalf (if the judge allows it...we have to apply to the courts to allow this also)

So what is to stop you taking custody of the children in the meantime? She doesn't have anymore rights to them than you, would it not be safer, given her recent behaviour, to seek forgiveness rather than permission.
I know from going to family courts myself, but don't know if the protection order extends to the children.
Sorry if I'm labouring the point, but ensuring they're safety should be paramount.

FishOnABike · 20-10-2015 10:31pm

tmalmb wrote: »

No, its the order my wife applied for when she got the interim protection order

It sounds like she's been well schooled in her tactics. My view is that there should be no protection or barring orders without a corresponding criminal conviction. The process is too easily abused otherwise. But that's a rant for another day.

If your wife's application gor a barring order is sitting on a judges list waiting for a hearing it could be a while before it is heard. As long as she has you out of the house it is in your wife's interest to draw this out as long as she can. The longer the current situation lasts the less likely a judge is to change it, even if it was the wrong decision to make in the first place.

As I said above if you apply for a barring order against your wife there is no reason why it should not be heard within days. An interim order can be made on an ex-parte basis almost immediately with no delay followed by a full hearing and final orders made all within little more than a week.

It is your(pl.) children's home. They want to be with you. There is no good reason why you all should not be together in the family home and your wife live nearby with her parents.

tmalmb wrote: »

According to my solicitor this comes down to her word against mine.

If your solicitor is prepared to accept this they are not trying hard enough. There are independent witnesses to your wife's lies. Your solicitor needs to ensure that independent evidence is heard in court.

tmalmb wrote: »

The children will speak on my behalf (if the judge allows it...we have to apply to the courts to allow this also)

This is why you need to have it all written down in sworn affidavits and submitted to the court in advance of any hearing. If you can, pay for a child psychologist to get your(pl.) children's views and submit a report to the court. Again sumbit everything in writing to the court before any hearing. Do not leave it to the whim of the judge on the day what they will accept or not accept. Make sure the judge has everything you want him or her to have in writing, in advance. That reduces the chances of you falling victim to their discretion on the day.

What was your solicitor's view on you making an application for a barring order against your wife? I don't see why you couldn't apply for one, get an interim order almost immediately and a final order in about a week. (Once you have all the evidence of your wife's lies prepared up front). If this can be done everything could be done and dusted in not much more than a week. Including getting the existing protection order struck out in the process.

You applying for a barring order against your wife might not be the usual course things take but your solicitor needs to do more than sleepwalk through the usual motions. It might take a bit of creative thinking and hard work to do something different and have precedent to hand to support their legal arguments and ensure your(pl.) childern's views are heard but if they are not willing to do that they are not willing to do enough.

Your solicitor has nothing to lose, you do. They can probably make more money on a few easy cases in the same time it takes for one difficult case. They need to be in the driving seat running your case not sitting back waiting for things to happen.

tmalmb · 21-10-2015 9:48pm

so its been a crazy couple of days <again>. My ex <no longer calling her my wife> went a little nuts at the kids...mostly verbal and emotional abuse but some physical intimidation

I was really frightened, I applied for an interim protection order today and it was granted, safety order/barring order will be heard on the same days as my ex's...so that will be an interesting day in court.

Social services are now involved as well so they want to talk to the kids now

Colser · 21-10-2015 9:55pm

What exactly does the protection order mean for you Op? Are her family getting involved at all where the kids are concerned?
Well done on being so proactive btw it must seem unreal for you as its all happenening so fast.

Makapakka · 21-10-2015 11:05pm

Just want to say sorry this is happening to you and I hope it all works out. Give your children extra tight hugs when you see them. They are lucky to have a father like you.

tmalmb · 21-10-2015 11:11pm

Colser wrote: »

What exactly does the protection order mean for you Op? Are her family getting involved at all where the kids are concerned?

the only ones who know are her elderly parents, they are shocked and appalled and both agree she is mentally unwell but they are in their mid eighties and tbh struggling with old age now...they are doing what they can to support me and the children and just hope it works out for me

tmalmb · 21-10-2015 11:14pm

Colser wrote: »

What exactly does the protection order mean for you Op?

Not a whole lot really however last night she was shouting down the phone (while I was asking my son to leave) that she will get me so to some degree it offers me a little protection. From a court perspective I believe it helps in my fight against her proceedings.

Manitoban · 21-10-2015 11:49pm

Gosh what an absolute nightmare you are having, I remember reading your original thread and can't believe it has got to this point op. Best of luck over the next few weeks, I hope you have some friend/family supporting you through this.

zeffabelli · 22-10-2015 7:44am

Sometimes protection orders are abused and because family court is not evidence based but narrative based, it's a case of who pulls the gun first.

What you have to do is invalidate and counter argue the original sworn statements she submitted. You too btw can petition for a protection order.

You can also call social services about concern for the children and perhaps for her too.

You can also petition for a psych evaluation. I know "she's crazy your honour" is the last resort of a scoundrel... But she goes sound nuts. Was there any indication of this malignancy in your marriage?

Why are they claiming the protection orders were violated? On what grounds?

stickybookmark · 22-10-2015 10:26am

tmalmb wrote: »

so its been a crazy couple of days <again>. My ex <no longer calling her my wife> went a little nuts at the kids...mostly verbal and emotional abuse but some physical intimidation

I was really frightened, I applied for an interim protection order today and it was granted, safety order/barring order will be heard on the same days as my ex's...so that will be an interesting day in court.

Social services are now involved as well so they want to talk to the kids now

Well Done You !!! That can't have been easy but you're learning (not being given much choice!) how the game works

tmalmb · 22-10-2015 12:12pm

zeffabelli wrote: »

Sometimes protection orders are abused and because family court is not evidence based but narrative based, it's a case of who pulls the gun first.

Why are they claiming the protection orders were violated? On what grounds?

She lied and said I threatend her (twice now).

tmalmb · 22-10-2015 12:16pm

stickybookmark wrote: »

Well Done You !!! That can't have been easy but you're learning (not being given much choice!) how the game works

thanks, hardest thing I've ever gone through...trying to find a house now to rent so we can all be together

zeffabelli · 22-10-2015 1:56pm

tmalmb wrote: »

She lied and said I threatend her (twice now).

Do not contact her email third party nothing.

If you accidentally sit on your phone and call you have broken the order.

FishOnABike · 22-10-2015 3:17pm

tmalmb wrote: »

thanks, hardest thing I've ever gone through...trying to find a house now to rent so we can all be together

It's good to know even your wife's parents are sympathetic to the situation you have been put in. I would still expect their first loyalty is to their own even if they are horrified by her actions.

If you do have to rent somewhere, try to get a short term let if possible for now. Your children deserve to be back in their own home with you. Your wife has alternative accommodation with her parents nearby.

tmalmb · 23-10-2015 11:03am

FishOnABike wrote: »

If you do have to rent somewhere, try to get a short term let if possible for now. Your children deserve to be back in their own home with you. Your wife has alternative accommodation with her parents nearby.

Is this possible, I was working on the assumption that this was unlikely :-/

cbyrd · 23-10-2015 12:14pm

tmalmb wrote:

Is this possible, I was working on the assumption that this was unlikely :-/

Short term leases are harder to find but they are out there, you can do a specific search on daft.ie or call into agents in your town and tell them exactly what you need.
You are doing great, protecting your children is the best thing you can do, best of luck

FishOnABike · 23-10-2015 12:33pm

tmalmb wrote: »

Is this possible, I was working on the assumption that this was unlikely :-/

If you are successful in obtaining a barring order against your wife and your (pl.) children want to stay with you why shouldn't it be possible?

With your(pl.) children's sworn affidavits and possibly oral testament to support your application I can't see why the court shouldn't appoint you as their primary carer and grant a barring order against your wife.

Until the court makes whatever orders it is going to make I'd avoid tying myself into any long term arrangements that might affect those orders or be unsuitable following those orders.

Would the court remove children and their primary carer from the family home to allow someone to remain there, who has shown themselves to have abused the court process in making malicious and false claims, perjuring themselves in the process and who has physically and emotionally abused their family?

In the short term which is less disruptive to your(pl.) children? Them remaining in the family home or them having to move into rented accommodation?

In the long term which provides them with more stability? A family home which you own or rented accommodation which is subject to the vagaries of the rental market. You may have to move if the owner wants to sell, renovate, needs it for family or any other reason allowable under the residential tenancy act or if the owner is in financial difficulties and it is repossessed. Over time mortgages become more manageable rent only goes up (at the moment at a rate higher than inflation or salary increases).

Aim to do what you think is best for your(pl.) children. I don't see why, in the circumstances, this shouldn't be to remain in the family home, with your(pl.) children with you as their primary carer.

tmalmb · 24-10-2015 11:24am

I really hope this is the case, i'm struggling without them. Im trying to figure out do I jump for a place now or wait the 3 weeks till the court hearing. My gut says wait for the hearing and try have a place lined up just in case it doesn't go my way

Colser · 24-10-2015 11:36am

Id go with your gut and wait.It could go either way so whilst I would look around I wouldnt put a deposit down or anything yet.
Who have you got to talk with,are your family and friends supportive? I find that people are reluctant to get very involved in these situations which I found strange but Im now seeing it from the other side and the reason Im not getting involved it that theres a chance they could get back together and whats been said (by me and others) could not be unsaid at a later date.
I hope you have someone thats on your side and a practical help at the moment.

tmalmb · 24-10-2015 1:43pm

Colser wrote: »

I hope you have someone thats on your side and a practical help at the moment.

Thanks, I have family and friends who have rallied around me. It does indeed help

Mourinho · 25-10-2015 1:33am

The young lads are your most important element in the courts. Lads might think judges are fools but believe me most are cute heures compared to the ones you hear of in silly sentencing stories.

Make sure you get the children to testify to how she's telling lies and how you've been caring for them. Make sure they tell him how they've been left alone and no dinner and how she's started abusing them. Make sure its not a letter and get them up in front of the judge the family hearing will only be the judge, clerk and your family plus the ex and solicitors so make sure they know that so they won't have to worry.

Also your two charges on breaching make sure you get your solicitor to explain how your are contesting and specially mention "even her own children are testifying against her your honour" they are old enough and a judge will know. They will be worth their weight in gold in these cases as well so make sure they are there and the judge will 99% let them up to say their bit.

Even better if the kids can get protective orders against her, emotional abuse will do, doesn't have to be psychical.

This is the crowd you want for the kids orders http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/family_support_agency.html

Social services will be a great help too for both you and the kids orders once they tell them what's happening.

If you can get yourself and them to cry a few tears, most likely will happen but believe me kids showing that emotion will help.

You need to realise that should you not let your kids testify and they end up with her they won't thank you for being the good guy. In fact they may end up hating you for not doing your all to keep you and them together. Especially if they end up with an abusive, absent mother.

Honestly hope to God things go well. Best of luck.

zeffabelli · 25-10-2015 8:25am

I'd agree with kids testifying if they are OK doing that.

Getting the kids to have restraining orders out on their mother is involving them too much in restraining order at the OK corral divorce court and will ruin their relationship with her... I think that's a step too far you are essentially calling her a child abuser and if that's a false allegation that would make you as bad as she is... Maybe worse because your getting the kids to go it.

cmat · 27-10-2015 5:17pm

I think your an amazing Dad and your children know it too. Light will be at the end of the tunnel.

tmalmb · 27-10-2015 6:15pm

cmat wrote: »

I think your an amazing Dad and your children know it too. Light will be at the end of the tunnel.

thanks...and I really do hope so..I'm not seeing it yet. Looks like I've landed a place (should I need it), I won't be able to avoid putting down a deposit but who cares.

My kids are back in the family home, since late last week my wife has been on a charm offensive and I'm terrified she'll soften my kids resolve. I can already see my middle child warming to her again :-/

Magicmatilda · 28-10-2015 1:17pm

tmalmb wrote: »

thanks...and I really do hope so..I'm not seeing it yet. Looks like I've landed a place (should I need it), I won't be able to avoid putting down a deposit but who cares.

My kids are back in the family home, since late last week my wife has been on a charm offensive and I'm terrified she'll soften my kids resolve. I can already see my middle child warming to her again :-/

I've followed this thread and I can see that your wife has acted in a deplorable way. However your children having a good relationship with both their mother and their father is the best outcome FOR THE CHILDREN. Regardless of whether it is the best outcome for you. I would strongly advise you not to lose sight of that fact in all of this.

Plenty of parents while under pressure, shout at their children, ignore their children or so other things that can easily be termed as "abusive" but when taken into context of a whole lifetime of care are really small instances. You refer to her not giving them dinner but said she gave them soup, was it homemade soup? because that is it itself a nutritous meal. I had it myself for dinner last night, I don't feel I neglected myself.

What I am saying is that your marraige is over. This is going to be a extremely difficult time for both you and your wife (though I agree she made it much, much worse). It will be very tough on your kids. You say she has been a good mother until recently, give her the chance to be again for your childrens sake. It is not a case that one of you has to be bad for the other to be good. Both can be good parents apart. wouldn't that be the best outcome for your children's wellbeing? And they are children even if they are teenagers and come accross quite grown up. I look back at my 17 year old self and realise just how vulnerable I was even though then I thought I knew it all!

I can only imagine the anger and hurt you feel right now. You wife has acted wrongly, no doubt about it. However your children are already going through hell, if they can and want to repair the damage done with their mother, you should support that even though it will be hard because that is what neing a good father means.

I really do wish you all the best. Try and get the affadavits signed and submitted to avoid putting your kids on the stand if you can (they only have to say you never threatened them and they never saw you threatened their mother, rather than say anything against their mother). Find a place where they can come and stay and try to come to some sort of joint custody agreement with your wife. Over time she may come to her senses regarding how to deal with the separation. In the meantime I would avoid discussing the separation with the kids if at all possible. I think that would be easier for them

Teafor two12345 · 28-10-2015 1:24pm

I would say a person's moods change coldness etc do pass etc. SO bear that in mind.

Sleepy · 28-10-2015 4:19pm

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I've followed this thread and I can see that your wife has acted in a deplorable way. However your children having a good relationship with both their mother and their father is the best outcome FOR THE CHILDREN. Regardless of whether it is the best outcome for you. I would strongly advise you not to lose sight of that fact in all of this.

Plenty of parents while under pressure, shout at their children, ignore their children or so other things that can easily be termed as "abusive" but when taken into context of a whole lifetime of care are really small instances. You refer to her not giving them dinner but said she gave them soup, was it homemade soup? because that is it itself a nutritous meal. I had it myself for dinner last night, I don't feel I neglected myself.

What I am saying is that your marraige is over. This is going to be a extremely difficult time for both you and your wife (though I agree she made it much, much worse). It will be very tough on your kids. You say she has been a good mother until recently, give her the chance to be again for your childrens sake. It is not a case that one of you has to be bad for the other to be good. Both can be good parents apart. wouldn't that be the best outcome for your children's wellbeing? And they are children even if they are teenagers and come accross quite grown up. I look back at my 17 year old self and realise just how vulnerable I was even though then I thought I knew it all!

I can only imagine the anger and hurt you feel right now. You wife has acted wrongly, no doubt about it. However your children are already going through hell, if they can and want to repair the damage done with their mother, you should support that even though it will be hard because that is what neing a good father means.

I really do wish you all the best. Try and get the affadavits signed and submitted to avoid putting your kids on the stand if you can (they only have to say you never threatened them and they never saw you threatened their mother, rather than say anything against their mother). Find a place where they can come and stay and try to come to some sort of joint custody agreement with your wife. Over time she may come to her senses regarding how to deal with the separation. In the meantime I would avoid discussing the separation with the kids if at all possible. I think that would be easier for them

Their mother should be going to jail for her actions.

Pull no punches OP, she has already demonstrated that she won't and the odds are stacked in her favour because of attitudes like the above that seek to absolve women of any consequences for their actions in our society.

zeffabelli · 28-10-2015 4:40pm

Sleepy wrote: »

Their mother should be going to jail for her actions.

Pull no punches OP, she has already demonstrated that she won't and the odds are stacked in her favour because of attitudes like the above that seek to absolve women of any consequences for their actions in our society.

If you don't think this type of stuff doesn't also happen to women you are ignorantly mistaken.

No one gets punished for this type of stuff. Just doesn't happen.

Sleepy · 28-10-2015 5:22pm

I never said anything of the sort. Magicmatilda's post is making excuses for the OP's wife's behaviour and advising him to play nice.

I'm advising he ignore it as it's sexist nonsense that it is.

Neyite · 28-10-2015 5:38pm

Op, with regard to your wife being all nice again, google the cycle of abuse. In fact, have a good read of any domestic abuse, particularly the non-physical forms of domestic abuse (psychological, emotional, gaslighting etc) that are described online. A lot of good information is phrased for women with the man as the abuser - ignore the gender pronouns, because there is still a lot of useful stuff.

Have you been keeping a diary to log events? If you haven't, I'd suggest doing that, going back and filling in as much information as you can. Maybe an online /email version that she cant access or the kids cant come across in the home.

zeffabelli · 28-10-2015 5:45pm

Sleepy wrote: »

I never said anything of the sort. Magicmatilda's post is making excuses for the OP's wife's behaviour and advising him to play nice.

I'm advising he ignore it as it's sexist nonsense that it is.

Yes you did... Stuff about women bit being held responsible and all sorts of other bizarre and inappropriate projections.

tmalmb · 28-10-2015 7:31pm

So I've not bad mouthed by Ex to my children, we have collectively discussed her bizarre behaviour, absenteeism and general selfishness. I do encourage them to communicate with them her.

That said, my wife is doing the opposite, she has told my kids I've had affairs, I was never there for them when they were young, I don't support them, I'm not giving her money for food (even though she's is living in home for free and has had me removed from the home).

This is not a he v she argument....there are bad parents, partners on both sides, we get scared by what we've experienced. I think what we can all agree on is the unfairness of situations like this that I find myself in and it seems a lot of other folks are in or have dealt with in their past...I'm taking all the feedback on board. My goal here is to fight the situation with all that I can...this is not been done out of anger or hate for my Ex (cause I don't hate her...she hates me) I'm fighting this because of the unfairness of it all and that I've been bullied and persecuted out of my home...I've lost my marriage, my home and hopefully temporarily my kids and I've done nothing to deserve any of this BUT the legal system (which is there to protect us all) has enabled this and for that alone (without all my other reasons) is why I got to fight this.

I'm going at this to win (but have also prepared myself that it may not go in my favour as the judge may believe my Ex's lies over my truth :-/ )

Makapakka · 28-10-2015 11:02pm

It may have been said before but keep track of EVERYTHING. What she says, when she says it, etc. Absolutely everything needs to be documented.

stickybookmark · 02-11-2015 11:04am

Sleepy wrote: »

Pull no punches OP, she has already demonstrated that she won't .

This times a Thousand! I've seen women like her in action.....Do not play nice !!! You'll be taken for a fool. Remember you still hold the purse strings (mortgage) although it's a lot harder to play hard ball on that if your 3 kids are living with her (which is probably why she's trying to get them back into the house, if 2 of them are living with you then she probably knows you won't pay the full mortgage) if she can get them back living with her then she gets the kids, the house, she gets everything basically except without you there - meanwhile you foot the bill for that house and your own new rented place

Paddy Cow · 03-11-2015 11:35am

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I've followed this thread and I can see that your wife has acted in a deplorable way. However your children having a good relationship with both their mother and their father is the best outcome FOR THE CHILDREN. Regardless of whether it is the best outcome for you. I would strongly advise you not to lose sight of that fact in all of this.

If the mother is making the effort for the right reasons, then yes, it is important for the children to have a good relationship with her. However, she could just be trying to win them over to help her case and once she gets what she wants she could go back to being a b!tch and that would be devastating for the kids.

Thread carefully op and take her new approach with a pinch of salt. The kids have been through enough and don't need your wife messing with their heads any further.

zeffabelli · 03-11-2015 1:43pm

Paddy Cow wrote: »

If the mother is making the effort for the right reasons, then yes, it is important for the children to have a good relationship with her. However, she could just be trying to win them over to help her case and once she gets what she wants she could go back to being a b!tch and that would be devastating for the kids.

Thread carefully op and take her new approach with a pinch of salt. The kids have been through enough and don't need your wife messing with their heads any further.

The legal paradigm is set up for win/lose so both parties engage in this mindset because they really have no other choice.

The kids end up being part of the arsenal, and ironically with the CHildrens rights act, and kids now being invited into testimony, this investment in their narrative amplifies the power of that arsenal, so both parties end up vying for their loyalty and it creates even further problems.

If there is even 10% of what she is saying is true, if it is possibly a case of distorted thinking, or simply exploiting the powers of restraining orders {I cant link on PI but there is some very good data out there on this...} then take responsibility for it, clarify it, weave it into your own story and revise it..... do not engage with blame and character assassinations...just focus on you, what you do for your children, your role as a father, what you did as a husband, etc...

Have you seen the testimony and statement as to what led to the order being granted?

The mother's motives could be about creating alies or it could also be guilt motivated, it could be wanting a peaceful transition through all of this, it's hard to know what is going on...

FishOnABike · 04-11-2015 12:52am

tmalmb wrote: »

I'm going at this to win (but have also prepared myself that it may not go in my favour as the judge may believe my Ex's lies over my truth :-/ )

You have your(pl.) older children's affidavits to disprove your ex's lies and they have said they want to live with you. Hopefully their affidavits should be enough to convince the judge of the truth of the matter and your ex will not challenge their affidavits and look to have them testify in court.

If your children want to live with you it should be in their home, the family home. Aim to do what is best for your(pl.) children and believe it is possible.

tmalmb · 04-11-2015 12:57pm

Ok my solicitor said we will not be able to produce affidavits until the judge approves a section 20 :-/. I'm still hoping to get approval for my eldest to give a statement (but again this is down to the discretion of the Judge).

D day is approaching and I was wondering if anyone has experience of family court and if there are any insights folks can provide. From what I understand this is really my word against my ex's word and it all comes down to the evidence we give/present and how we hold up on cross examination :-/

zeffabelli · 04-11-2015 1:10pm

tmalmb wrote: »

Ok my solicitor said we will not be able to produce affidavits until the judge approves a section 20 :-/. I'm still hoping to get approval for my eldest to give a statement (but again this is down to the discretion of the Judge).

D day is approaching and I was wondering if anyone has experience of family court and if there are any insights folks can provide. From what I understand this is really my word against my ex's word and it all comes down to the evidence we give/present and how we hold up on cross examination :-/

I do but I do not want to discuss it here and I do not have permission for PMs.

All I can say is be calm, do not blame, take any responsibility for anything that she is saying that might even be a little bit true, avoid character assassinations.

I would also apologise to your children for them having to be brought into court. This is extremely stressful for all of you, and will no doubt create un ending loyalty issues for your children between their parents.

I am really sorry for you...family court is never the answer and very destructive to families. I hope you all find some kind of peaceful resolution to this..it is really weird for her to suddenly be acting so bizarre with no apparant trigger. If you knew the cause you might have been able to find a solution.

I think my Marriage is over

Comments