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Core Beliefs

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  • 17-05-2013 10:40am
    #1
    fighterman
    Registered Users Posts: 103 ✭✭


    Opening scene of the new novel which is going to sell big!

    Let me know what ye think


    Room137, Hotel Villa Giulia , Ciampino, Rome, 3km from Rome Ciampino Airport

    He was doing his core work.

    She could see and feel that.

    His stomach had the texture of a defrosted steak and as she pressed her fingers along its ripped surface it reminded her of the airport security carousels through which she daily slid her Samsonite F’Lite Hard Shell Bag. She could see the bag right now out of the corner of her eye and she thought of the ad description which had enticed her to buy. ‘A hardsided bag which is guaranteed to be accepted on all Ryanair flights subject to a weight limit of 10kg’.

    A hard sided bag.

    ‘Cabin crew ready for landing?’ He made a fist with his hand and held it over his mouth to simulate the sound of an intercom.

    She hoped he did not think of her as a hardsided bag.

    ‘Cabin crew ready for landing?’ He repeated, louder, but this time did not make his voice sound like an intercom and there was less enthusiasm in his voice.

    His stern voice brought her focus back to the surrounds of room 137.

    ‘You don’t think of me as a hard sided bag,do you?’ she asked

    ‘What?’ he replied, half laughing as he did so.

    ‘Do you think of that bag when you think of me?’

    ‘What are you talking about?’ he asked with a smirk.

    ‘My Samsonite bag and me’

    ‘What about your Samsonite bag and you?’

    ‘We have a tough exterior but inside there is a hollow space that needs filling’

    ‘I don’t think of you when I think of a Samsonite F’Lite Hard Shell Bag if that’s what you were wondering’

    ‘It was. And I do weigh more than 10kg.’

    ‘Well I don’t. No I do. I mean I weigh more than 10kg. I don’t think of you as a bag. See my previous quote. Now, again,are cabin crew ready for landing?’

    She relaxed and let out a sigh of contentment.

    ‘More than ready ‘, she giggled as she responded.

    She relaxed and admired the view from below.

    ‘Then the pilot shall make his descent ! ‘

    The landing would be smooth. It always was with Captain John


Comments

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    #2
    Rubecula
    Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    Not too bad.

    A question though, all the talking with no description between the lines? Was that deliberate?


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    #3
    El Guapo!
    Registered Users Posts: 12,430 ✭✭✭✭El Guapo!


    It's no Trent.


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    #4
    EileenG
    Registered Users Posts: 5,775 ✭✭✭EileenG


    Who is "he"? Name him. What sort of core work? Without a context, this is meaningless to the reader.

    Who is she? What could see see and feel?

    Defrosted steak or still frozen steak? What's the difference between defrosted and raw? Steak isn't really ripped.

    If she's thinking about the ad for her flight bag while she's having sex, she's doing ti wrong. Just on a technical note, don't airlines supply the bags for cabin crew? Why did she buy her own?

    Got to say, pillow chat about how much she is like a hard-sided bag is a great way to get rid of a man. Most guys like "Oh, it's so big, would you like a BJ first?"

    While I can just about buy her thinking in terms of advertising copy when she looks at her bag, why on earth would he? Presumably he didn't buy the bag, so to him, it's just a bag.

    "See my previous quote"? Unless he knows he is a character in a book, this makes no sense.


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