two to tango

littleknown · 18-02-2008 1:27am #1

hi,im looking for some advice here please.

basically ive been going out with my girlfriend for a few years and i love her very much and would never do anything to hurt her. the problem is that i have been working with another girl who i get on very well with.she is also going out with someone.basically the other night we were out with mutual friends,got pretty drunk and she started coming on to me which worked, from what i can remember we both told eachother we liked eachother.although we didnt actually do anything i have been left feeling lousy and confused. i feel like i must have genuine feelings for the girl i work with although i dont want to make a mess of what i already have. it seems like we both knew we liked eachother but now that its out in the open its more difficult to deal with and confusing.i genuinely dont know what i want to or should do and its wrecking my head.any advice as to what i should do/?

Talliesin · 18-02-2008 2:10am

You probably do have genuine feelings for her.

"Genuine feelings" for her does not mean you don't have genuine feelings AND stronger feelings AND a relationship with your girlfriend.

Enjoy the fact that you have someone you both fancy and like, but don't do anything with her.

Enjoy your relationship with your girlfriend, and if the two of you ever have kids don't read them stupid moronic fairytales based on the bizarre notion that you can only have feelings for one other person in the world, so that if they ever find themselves in the same situation then they won't feel that being attracted to someone means they have to invent problems in their relationship with their partner that aren't there.

Tigger · 18-02-2008 2:13am

Talliesin wrote: »

You probably do have genuine feelings for her.

"Genuine feelings" for her does not mean you don't have genuine feelings AND stronger feelings AND a relationship with your girlfriend.

Enjoy the fact that you have someone you both fancy and like, but don't do anything with her.

Enjoy your relationship with your girlfriend, and if the two of you ever have kids don't read them stupid moronic fairytales based on the bizarre notion that you can only have feelings for one other person in the world, so that if they ever find themselves in the same situation then they won't feel that being attracted to someone means they have to invent problems in their relationship with their partner that aren't there.

good post

littleknown · 18-02-2008 9:14am

thanks for the advice. that was a good response and you are right of course. the only doubts i have is that lately i have been wondering where we are going with our relationship and this seems to have come at an awkward time as im not 100per cent certain of where i am right now. this has basically thrown a lot of doubt and confusion into the mix.

funloving · 18-02-2008 9:22am

Why do you say you don't know where your relationship is going? what do exactly mean with this?
Maybe it's just a moment..a love story is like a rollercoaster sometimes with ups and downs...

littleknown · 18-02-2008 9:44am

maybe it is just a moment but its felt a bit flat lately.i know things change. ive basically never really been in a situation like this before. i dont know if its a sign that i should end things with my girlfriend and try to make a move for the other girl or if this is just something stupid which should be forgotten. at times i think life is too short and that i should keep trying new things. either way i kind of feel i have cheated by my thoughts alone.thanks very much for the responses.

How Strange · 18-02-2008 9:58am

littleknown wrote: »

maybe it is just a moment but its felt a bit flat lately.i know things change. ive basically never really been in a situation like this before. i dont know if its a sign that i should end things with my girlfriend and try to make a move for the other girl or if this is just something stupid which should be forgotten. at times i think life is too short and that i should keep trying new things. either way i kind of feel i have cheated by my thoughts alone.thanks very much for the responses.

I'd say its a sign that your longterm relationship is a bit mundane and off the boil and you met this girl that gave you the spark that you haven't had in a while. It's the spark of meeting someone that you click with. It's usually helped along by alcohol so the next time you meet sober you may not feel the same.

I'm in a long term relationship and sometimes I have those thoughts that its all a bit boring and routine. We do the same things every week etc etc. But that's life. I love my bf to bits and every now and then we spend a lovely weekend together or go away for a great holiday and the excitement is back again.
IMO, what you're feeling is quite natural and it's your subconscious telling you to make a bloody effort with your gf.
Forget about the other girl, chalk it up to experience, be thankful nothing happened and don't put yourself in that situation again.
Definitely don't throw away a good relationship on an infatuation.

funloving · 18-02-2008 9:58am

littleknown wrote: »

maybe it is just a moment but its felt a bit flat lately.i know things change. ive basically never really been in a situation like this before. i dont know if its a sign that i should end things with my girlfriend and try to make a move for the other girl or if this is just something stupid which should be forgotten. at times i think life is too short and that i should keep trying new things. either way i kind of feel i have cheated by my thoughts alone.thanks very much for the responses.

Life is short and we better not waste the time we have at our disposal but it doesn't mean we must try new things at all costs...
Try and understand why your relation is flat and if you or your partner can do something to revive your story...
Do you have a distance relation? do you live together?
Maybe changing your habits can help but only you know if this can work.

funloving · 18-02-2008 10:00am

How Strange wrote: »

I'd say its a sign that your longterm relationship is a bit mundane and off the boil and you met this girl that gave you the spark that you haven't had in a while. It's the spark of meeting someone that you click with. It's usually helped along by alcohol so the next time you meet sober you may not feel the same.

I'm in a long term relationship and sometimes I have those thoughts that its all a bit boring and routine. We do the same things every week etc etc. But that's life. I love my bf to bits and every now and then we spend a lovely weekend together or go away for a great holiday and the excitement is back again.
IMO, what you're feeling is quite natural and it's your subconscious telling you to make a bloody effort with your gf.
Forget about the other girl, chalk it up to experience, be thankful nothing happened and don't put yourself in that situation again.
Definitely don't throw away a good relationship on an infatuation.

Totally agree with this post...+ 2

Marksie · 18-02-2008 10:05am

littleknown wrote: »

thanks for the advice. that was a good response and you are right of course. the only doubts i have is that lately i have been wondering where we are going with our relationship and this seems to have come at an awkward time as im not 100per cent certain of where i am right now. this has basically thrown a lot of doubt and confusion into the mix.

Yes it was an excellent response in dealing with how one interrelates and how one allows feelings to be present in your dealings with others and not feeling guilty about them.
Essentially accepting thta it is possible to have feelings and to realise that they are an aspect of self.

But this is the complicating issue isnt it? your doubts about your current relationship.
Are your feelings therefore a transferrence from one to the other rather than a natural process that can happen between friends.
Are you therefore asking yourself are these feelings the prelude to you beginning to break from your g/friend?
Well there is only on person that can answer that question.

You.

In all credit to you you have realised where this may be coming from. Literally take time to look into the mirror or the self and determine where these feelings are coming from.

Separate out the issues and see if these feelings are stemming from one or another. THough my guess is you will find its from both (i.e naturally feelings of freindship being amplified from the emotional aspect).

In the end how you deal with these is important, recognising and accepting them being the crucial aspect to it. When you accept the feelings and where they are coming from, they will simply BE feelings and will not lead you down the route of guilt or confusion

littleknown · 18-02-2008 10:10am

thanks again for the posts. it does help to talk ( text ) about it. we live together , 4years, and i think like you say its the routine of things that gets a bit tiresome.sometimes i guess you look at your life and you wonder do you want to spend the rest of it like this. i suppose i saw in this other girl something different and unknown, plus there was as you say a spark which is exciting in itself. although i would never have acted on it soberly my subconcious or drunkness decided to do something about it as did hers. for this reason i was left confused not knowing if because my subconcious wanted to do it that meant that i really did too if that makes sense..but i think at the end of the day you are right. i think to some extent myself and the other girl have been a bit hurt by the whole thing as our lives seemed to unwravel slightly. everything can come apart quickly if you're not careful.

Marksie · 18-02-2008 10:18am

littleknown wrote: »

i think to some extent myself and the other girl have been a bit hurt by the whole thing as our lives seemed to unwravel slightly. everything can come apart quickly if you're not careful.

Have you talked to her about it?

This is something you seems to be guessing this..have you noticed a diffrence in your realtions with the other girl?

funloving · 18-02-2008 10:18am

littleknown wrote: »

thanks again for the posts. it does help to talk ( text ) about it. we live together , 4years, and i think like you say its the routine of things that gets a bit tiresome.sometimes i guess you look at your life and you wonder do you want to spend the rest of it like this. i suppose i saw in this other girl something different and unknown, plus there was as you say a spark which is exciting in itself. although i would never have acted on it soberly my subconcious or drunkness decided to do something about it as did hers. for this reason i was left confused not knowing if because my subconcious wanted to do it that meant that i really did too if that makes sense..but i think at the end of the day you are right. i think to some extent myself and the other girl have been a bit hurt by the whole thing as our lives seemed to unwravel slightly. everything can come apart quickly if you're not careful.

I have experienced this in my past,years and years ago, and I thought my life was so boring the way I was living it...
Then you meet somebody new and you feel in a way you nearly forgotten and you start having doubts etc...it's normal,relax about it.
Put some effort in your relation and do nice things with your gf,even something small like playing golf,horseriding or going to a spa.
I think it's like when you have a sexual fantasy,you can think about it but it doesn't mean you'll perfom it.

littleknown · 18-02-2008 10:26am

yes i talked to the other girl and she apologised for coming on to me but it wasnt really her fault. i asked her was she ok with everything and she said she was but i could still see something in her eyes.it did seem a bit like a sexual fantasy in a way in that maybe we always thought of it but would never have acted on it. a strange night by all accounts.

you're posts have been very helpful though it making me understand that sometimes we cannot control our feelings but have to accept them for what they are but not necessarily act on them. to be honest though i always thought i had far better self control that i apparently do.

How Strange · 18-02-2008 10:37am

littleknown wrote: »

yes i talked to the other girl and she apologised for coming on to me but it wasnt really her fault. i asked her was she ok with everything and she said she was but i could still see something in her eyes.it did seem a bit like a sexual fantasy in a way in that maybe we always thought of it but would never have acted on it. a strange night by all accounts.

IMO, you have to take yourself out of this developing situation where you and this girl discuss your attraction to each other and your drunken behaviour.
Ok, you spoke to her about it, you apologised, she did and now leave it alone.

Don't go looking for trouble where there is none. That is my mantra since being in a relationship. When I was single I would've done stupid things especially after a few drinks. Now I see that when you have a bf/gf then you have to be mindful of the possibility of too much drink+someone of opposite sex that you fancy=possible trouble.

Concentrate on your relationship and distance yourself from this girl. I've seen many an illict relationship blossom in a work environment where two people get very friendly, meeting for coffee, secret chats etc while still claiming they are just friends.

That might all sound a bit old fashioned but IMO in this consumerist, throw away society that we live in we also tend to see relationships as disposable if something different catchs our eye and we realise too late what we had to begin with.

Marksie · 18-02-2008 10:38am

littleknown wrote: »

to be honest though i always thought i had far better self control that i apparently do.

Self control isnt necessary all its cracked up to be as it can force you to repress emotions and feelings.

That can lead to real problems later: with repression comes obsession.

So as you have realised best to note and accept where everything is coming from. You can always accept and turn them outwards to everyone.

Wibbs · 18-02-2008 12:36pm

Talliesin wrote: »

Enjoy your relationship with your girlfriend, and if the two of you ever have kids don't read them stupid moronic fairytales based on the bizarre notion that you can only have feelings for one other person in the world, so that if they ever find themselves in the same situation then they won't feel that being attracted to someone means they have to invent problems in their relationship with their partner that aren't there.

When reading that post I heard the sound of nails being hit on the head. So true. Sadly so many I've known don't get it. They assume that if they're attracted to another there must be something wrong with their relationship. The new cars first scratch syndrome. When it's all shiny and new then the relationship is all about the love. Real life gets in the way and off they go. Of course the new relationship goes swimmingly until reality comes in again and it's here we go again.... Rinse and repeat.

The joke is when asked in the throes of the new relationship, people are convinced "this time it's different/I've never felt like this before" etc. Self awareness goes out the window. They would have said the same of the old relationship and be equally convinced of the truth of that at the time(Sometimes they even hanker after the ex relationship when the shine wears off the new one). I know so many like this. More women than men in my personal experience buy into this but it affects both genders as we see here.

Wibbs · 18-02-2008 12:42pm

I will add this; choice is a wonderful thing and life gives us many choices if we're lucky. The thing is choice requires action. You choose to stay or go. Things don't just happen.

Marksie · 18-02-2008 12:44pm

Wibbs wrote: »

. The thing is choice requires action. You choose to stay or go. Things don't just happen.

an excellent and very important point:

Lifer is about conscious living. You choosing to pursue a path or course.

Nice addition wibbs

littleknown · 18-02-2008 5:38pm

some very good advice here, by the way i just received a text from the girl saying she missed me at work today. ( i had a day off ) what does that mean?

Marksie · 18-02-2008 5:39pm

littleknown wrote: »

some very good advice here, by the way i just received a text from the girl saying she missed me at work today. ( i had a day off ) what does that mean?

what do you want it too mean?

she may be bridge building or trying to find a common ground. dont overreact to it and dont read into it

Talliesin · 19-02-2008 2:30am

littleknown wrote: »

some very good advice here, by the way i just received a text from the girl saying she missed me at work today. ( i had a day off ) what does that mean?

I want you to imagine something for a second.

I want you to imagine that I've hit you an almighty slap and then shaken you.

This isn't a hypothetical example of anything, it's just the closest slapping you without needing to know who you are or violating this forum's rules about advocating violence.

What do you mean, "what does that mean?"

It means that she missed you at work today. Possibly because she wants to embark upon a whirlwind romance full of sex and champagne before settling down to raise 2.4 kids and retire to the Portuguese coast, and possibly because she just likes you.

Now, what does this change?

Deal with your situation with your girlfriend. Whether you stay with her, leave her, become polyamourous, be a bastard and have affairs or castrate yourself and become a priest of Cybele, whatever you do, do it on the basis of what is actually going on.

If all of this has made you begin to re-assess where you are, then do that; re-assess where you are. And maybe you'll decide you want to be somewhere other than where you are. And maybe that'll end up with you being with this colleague of yours. But probably not. But if it does then it will be because that's where you have ended up in the process of being true to yourself.

If you just blindly run into this the odds of it being bad for you are much greater than otherwise. There's no reason to believe that she's going to make the same decision (in an equivalent position to you in at least some ways), and if she does then what next? The two of you hang around until the next time one of you works with someone that finds you at all pleasing to the eye and bearable company?

Why not just accept that maybe you're not a complete minger and total wanker. If you're not a complete minger and total wanker then now and again you're going to come across someone you like who also likes you. This is not actually a bad thing, don't make it one.

Wibbs · 19-02-2008 9:33am

What Marksie and Talliesin wrote. This is not rocket science.

It's really simple. You Have A Choice.

Clearly this confuses some, so to ease their conflict and guilt they look for others to take the responsibility of that choice away from them. This is partly what you're doing.

Make the choice. Stay with your girlfriend or leave her.

littleknown · 19-02-2008 11:22am

Harsh words talliesen but they do ring true and you have helped me to put things in perspective. i suppose wibbs the difficulty is knowing which choice i want to make. i have always had a problem making decisions and often end up regretting the decision i have made. this is something i have always struggled with on all types of issues but I am going to stay where I am with the girl I am with for we share something that I think is near impossible to replace. I guess the lure of something different proved strong but in the long run it is unlikely to ever replace or equal what i already have. thanks.

,mnb · 19-02-2008 11:08pm

littleknown wrote: »

i have always had a problem making decisions and often end up regretting the decision i have made. this is something i have always struggled with on all types of issues but I am going to stay where I am with the girl I am with for we share something that I think is near impossible to replace.

I dont have a problem making decisions because I know I might be either right or wrong. But I dont have a crystal ball. So I just do it and dont regret it.
So I think youre right...youve weighed up the two choices and youve made a rational decision to stay. Dont regret it. And stay out of the other girls way - if you want to stick by your decision youll have to do this. Theres no halfway house there - IMHO you will have to give up the other one. Keep it civil but no more.

King of Kings · 19-02-2008 11:55pm

Wibbs wrote: »

When reading that post I heard the sound of nails being hit on the head. So true. Sadly so many I've known don't get it. They assume that if they're attracted to another there must be something wrong with their relationship. The new cars first scratch syndrome. When it's all shiny and new then the relationship is all about the love. Real life gets in the way and off they go. Of course the new relationship goes swimmingly until reality comes in again and it's here we go again.... Rinse and repeat.

The joke is when asked in the throes of the new relationship, people are convinced "this time it's different/I've never felt like this before" etc. Self awareness goes out the window.

dude you've just told my life story. where do i buy your book.? seriously.

Wibbs wrote: »

They would have said the same of the old relationship and be equally convinced of the truth of that at the time(Sometimes they even hanker after the ex relationship when the shine wears off the new one). I know so many like this. More women than men in my personal experience buy into this but it affects both genders as we see here.

except this bit

Wibbs · 20-02-2008 9:19am

King of Kings wrote: »

dude you've just told my life story. where do i buy your book.? seriously.

Are you the one who feels the new car scratch syndrome or the victim of same?

except this bit

People vary. Sometimes it's not the ex they hanker for unless it was a big love and they don't find a replacement.

Basically a lot of people are looking for a relationship with themselves and make the mistake of thinking a relationship with someone else will make up the gap. It never will. Hormones and "love" will hide the gap in themselves for a while, but that passes and sooner or later they have to deal with who they are as people and life itself. Cue breakup. Others are addicted to novelty and when that wears off. Cue breakup.

A lot of this is down to fairy tale ideas of love and life. We all know that cinderella and her handsome prince in the end "lived happily ever after". They never told us how. Falling in love is easy. Being in love is the easiest thing in the world. Staying in love is the tricky part. Knowing yourself, knowing what you want and being happy on your own is a good start. Only then can you ever hope to truly love another human being.

Beruthiel · 20-02-2008 9:44am

littleknown wrote: »

I am going to stay where I am with the girl I am with for we share something that I think is near impossible to replace.

Talliesin, Mark and Wibbs have given you excellent advice.
When we get to a certain age, if we have been paying attention to ourselves, our wants, our needs and what we look for in a partner, then a solid decision can be made. A decision that is right, right back then and still right now.

From your above comment, you know the woman you are with is special to you.
To find someone we are happy to live with is a wonderful thing.
Something you must realise is that long term relationships need hard work. You have commented about the routine, this is as much your fault as it is hers.
Routine can kill a relationship if you allow it to.
Working on avoiding that by doing special things together on a regular basis is a must.
Going away for a weekend, a nice meal in a restuarant, whatever.
Doing stuff out of the ordinary with your partner reminds you of why you fell for them in the first place. It reminds you how lucky you are to have found someone like that who's just as happy to be with you.
This girl at work, as Wibbs said, is something shiney. Nothing more. Why not just think to yourself that it is flattering and leave it at that.

two to tango

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