Ex boyfriend in trouble with cocaine & alcohol abuse

littlefriend · 12-04-2008 2:34pm #1

Hi
I'm not sure what to do so I'd be grateful for any suggestions.
My ex boyfriend has a coke and alcohol problem. He owes about 4K to some dealers and he has was beaten up by them during the week.
He is a total mess. I have tried a few times to get him to get help. I told his parents what was going on but they just ignored the problem [I actually think they are alcoholics themselves].
We broke up about 18 months ago. Every now and then he contacts me asking for help. I used to help him out with a place to stay and money etc but I've stopped all that now as I wasn't helping anyone by sorting out his problems.
He rang me yesterday asking would I bring him some place in Tallaght to speak to them about getting help. I said I would. He contacted me this morning to say that he was up all night doing coke and now owes a further 1K for it.
In relation to him getting any help he doesn't think AA or NA are for him. He thinks if he gets into some rehab facility and stays for a few weeks everything will be ok.
Anyway, I just don't know what to do - should I help him or not? This morning he sent me the mobile no's of his family in case he kills himself?? WTF to I say to that?? I'm tired of trying to help him and being lied to by him and laughed at by his family [denial city]. On the other hand I feel sick worrying about what is going to happen to him.
sorry for long post..

AARRRGH · 12-04-2008 2:38pm

You can't help him. The guy is a complete **** up.

If anything I think your support is keeping him going.

It sounds like he needs to hit rock bottom before he'll cop on.

If I were you I'd tell him he's scum and that he's never to contact you again.

What's the alternative? Bail him out forever?

I think this is a case of tough love being the right medicine.

I could be wrong though, so decide carefully.

Nevyn · 12-04-2008 2:43pm

You have done everything you can tbh, he won't sort himself until he wants to.
If he really wanted to he could check himself in to St John of Gods.
http://www.iol.ie/~stjog/addictions.htm

If he wishes to keep messing himself up you have to step away so that he is no longer impacting on your life, it's not an easy thing to do.

LegacyUser · 12-04-2008 2:50pm

Aww sweetie

I had something similar too. I was still with him and he admitted to even shooting up before. I had realised it was so bad until then. I stayed with him regardless, proud that he's opened up to me.

I was wrong to do it though and I learned the hard way. He used to used cocaine too and while I always suspected it, I was always too scared to ask. You have done nothing to cause this so don't feel that it is your problem. Truth is, you cannot help. Nobody really can. It needs to come from him. I begged by bf to get counselling, he just got angry and said he had me to talk to. I was totally trapped because he was so fragile. He knew I would be there for him and it allowed him to sink further down. He didn't need to try because I'd be there to pull him back up. He left me eventually, my heart was shattered but looking back (and while I still wish I had him) I know I'm lucky to have escaped. He didn't want me to help.

Be glad he is your ex. You are in a position that you can walk away from.

Good luck and take care

xx

seahorse · 12-04-2008 4:42pm

He has acknowledged there's a problem and asked for help, which is the first step. It signifies that he is capable of getting better. If I were you I would bring him to the centre in Tallaght, which is the only treatment centre for cocaine in the city as far as I know.

Your ex is luckier than he thinks he is. There were no treatment centres for cocaine when I had to come off it. In the late nineties if you did it at all you had to do it on your own. He'll also need to cop on when it comes to NA. When and if he gets clean it's about the only thing that can help keep him that way.

Yes I do think you should help him, though NOT by giving him money, on the pretext of clearing his drug debts or for any other reason. Those 'reasons', no matter how genuine when he first utters them, will count for nothing and your money will invariably end up at the back of his nasal passages.

Yes I do think you should extend him some help. He is not "scum". He is a human being with the serious life-threatening disease of addiction, to which we are all susceptible, by the way.

What I DON'T think you should do is to keep on and on banging your head against a brick wall here; if he does not jump at this chance to get clean you should hand him the contact details and walk away, leaving him to get clean on his own when he's ready to do that. Yeah you should help a friend, but do not destroy your own life in the effort to do so.

LegacyUser · 12-04-2008 4:50pm

He's using you. Especially more over the top sympathy grabs (ie the family numbers in case of suicide) to get more out of you. It's stereotypical addict. Give him no more money, no more rides, etc. Point him to rehab options and that's it. Repeat every time he contacts you - names of a rehab center, where to go to contact them, etc. And no 'one last loan before he goes' or the like.

the_syco · 12-04-2008 5:09pm

littlefriend wrote: »

He rang me yesterday asking would I bring him some place in Tallaght to speak to them about getting help. I said I would. He contacted me this morning to say that he was up all night doing coke and now owes a further 1K for it.

This says it all, really. He wants your help, your money, but still continues his habit. Give him the St John of Gods contact details, and give him lots of space.

togster · 12-04-2008 5:18pm

Hi OP. I don't know how he could owe an extra 1k from a night on gear but anyways it's neither here nor there. If i were you i would try and help him. Like seahorse said he has taken the first step. Try and get him into the centre. I know i couldn't love eith myself if i didn't try and help him. Don't give him anymore money but do get him help. Explain to him that this is his last chance regarding your help and do your best. Best of luck

lorweld · 12-04-2008 5:22pm

Op I feel your pain. An ex of mine was the very same, still is. He had a big coke problem. I was forever lending him money to pay off debts which I never received any back. He lied constantly. Addicts like this are extremely selfish they'll do anything to get their next fix........... I'm going to get help I just need to pay the dealer back etc etc. they will use emotional blackmail to get you to give them more money failing this they will steal from you. Until he and him alone decides to get help and really go for it there is nothing you or anyone else can do unfortunately. I cut all ties with my ex which broke my heart, I had to, I was getting into debt to support his drug habit. Really take it from me cut all ties, it wil be hard but for your own sanity and health you need to. Who knows perhaps by you not helping him anymore it might give him a wake up call. Best of luck I really feel for you I've been there.

lolli · 12-04-2008 5:22pm

Op,

You have tried your best to help your ex, He knows that he has a problem but is unwilling to help himself. His family are ignoring the fact that he has a problem, they should be helping him. Its not your place to help him anymore, that ended when you broke up. Another thing you cannot help somebody who does not want to help themselves.

As regard to him saying that he is going to kill himself that is probably just him trying to put you on a guilt trip so that you will help him. You need to cut contact with him, this is not your problem anymore, he has made his own choice, dont let this effect your life.

He needs to help himself before anyone else can even try. For your own sanity please walk away from this, change your mobile number so he cant text you can more suicide threats.

You sound like a great person who is willing to help anyone but you need to think about yourself, there are some people in this world that you just cannot help no matter how hard you try.

littlefriend · 12-04-2008 8:52pm

thanks for the replies..
togster - he was out from around 4 or 5 yesterday afternoon til about 1 o'clock today. He said over the course of the evening in the pub, on to the club, back to someones house, back to the pub this morning he got through 10 x hundred bags. There were probably a few ppl doing it w/ him at whatever house he was at too. Maybe he is exaggerating but I'd say he's capable of doing that either way I'm not bailing him out of this one so he can exaggerate all he likes.
In relation to John of Gods - is that not a private hospital? Can you really just go up there and admit yourself?
Also the place in Tallaght - will he be able to stay there?
Even as I'm typing these questions I know he is not ready/willing to sort himself out. For example, I just caught myself thinking there that if I don't bring him up to the place in Tallaght he wont end up going. Christ what a mess.
Another thing to think about is this - if I support him in this and he does get off everything and turns his life around I will still be caught up in it - I mean I won't be able to walk away then in case he relapses

suzy5978 · 12-04-2008 9:28pm

hi littlefriend,my ex was exactly the same.i stuck with him for 6 years hopin and praying that things would get better.he was given a year to live last year and that didnt make any difference to him.in the end i had to just walk away-still feel a bit guilty but he has to make the decision himself.

seahorse · 12-04-2008 9:51pm

littlefriend wrote: »

Another thing to think about is this - if I support him in this and he does get off everything and turns his life around I will still be caught up in it - I mean I won't be able to walk away then in case he relapses

No no no Littlefriend, I'm sorry but that is nonsense thinking; the only person responsible for his health and welfare is himself. Helping out a friend and taking on responsibilities that belong to him are two very different things; do not confuse them in your mind because if you do you will be doing yourself no favours and funny enough you'll be doing him none either, because then you'll be getting into the arena of enabling behaviour and you'd actually be unwittingly encouraging him to relapse, as you'd be encouraging him not to take responsibility for himself.

Think about it; why should he take responsibility for himself if you are there ready and willing to do it for him? One of the many psychological side-effects of addiction is a chronic lack of responsibility; he needs to relearn that and by taking on that responsibility for him you would simply be encouraging him to stay sick. You may give him a hand getting on his feet but he needs to learn to stand by himself, otherwise he'd just be a relapse waiting to happen.

Nevyn · 12-04-2008 9:54pm

me too wrote: »

It needs to come from him. I begged by bf to get counselling, he just got angry and said he had me to talk to. I was totally trapped because he was so fragile. He knew I would be there for him and it allowed him to sink further down.

You can't be there for anyone like that as a counselor.
You are to invovled won't ask the hard questions and it is too easy for them to manipulate you.

People abuse substances to fill a whole in themselves, to distract themselves from what the real issues are. Therapy and counselling helps people take emotional dumps and forces them to smell their own shít and deal with it
you don't expect your friend or partner to be your therapy toilet it is not fair and it is quiet frankly abusive and counter productive to all invovled.

littlefriend wrote:

Another thing to think about is this - if I support him in this and he does get off everything and turns his life around I will still be caught up in it - I mean I won't be able to walk away then in case he relapses

Only if you choose to be.

Are you hanging around hoping he will sort himself out with help from you so that he can be the person you want as your partner ?

Are you hanging around hoping he will see how wonderful you are and hope he will start loving and respecting you ?

Are you hanging around and being there cos you can't face yourself as you would see yourself as a lesser or bad person for not letting him take advantage of you ?

littlefriend · 12-04-2008 10:24pm

seahorse wrote: »

"Another thing to think about is this - if I support him in this and he does get off everything and turns his life around I will still be caught up in it - I mean I won't be able to walk away then in case he relapses"
No no no Littlefriend, I'm sorry but that is nonsense thinking; the only person responsible for his health and welfare is himself. Helping out a friend and taking on responsibilities that belong to him are two very different things; do not confuse them in your mind

Sorry, I didn't explain that very well there. I was kind of thinking out loud [as I was typing] about what a bad idea it would be to become a crutch for him again. The thing is that because I've been his girlfriend we will never be just regular friends. I realise that me bailing him out in the past was the worst thing I could have done for him. If I hadn't been in rescuer mode then he would have had to sort things out for himself before things got to this stage. With no experience of this sort of thing I thought I was helping him - it was only when I started reading a bit about it that I recognised my part in the whole mess. I was totally enabling him and I regret doing it. Its hard not to though - how are you supposed to know these things unless you are exposed to them....that thought is for a different day I suppose.

Are you hanging around hoping he will sort himself out with help from you so that he can be the person you want as your partner ? No definitely not.

Are you hanging around hoping he will see how wonderful you are and hope he will start loving and respecting you ? No, I probably was a couple of years ago but not anymore.

Are you hanging around and being there cos you can't face yourself as you would see yourself as a lesser or bad person for not letting him take advantage of you? Yes maybe. An ex of mine committed suicide so that is kind of in the back of my mind - like what if I refuse to help him and he does end up dead kind of thing.

I guess I know in my heart that this whole thing is more BS. I dont think he is anywhere near accepting that he is out of control - yes he says he wants help but talk is cheap as they say

Nevyn · 12-04-2008 10:49pm

littlefriend I would suggest that you find your local al anon group and go talk to other people who have addicts in thier life and get some support and listen to their stories so that you may learn from them.

littlefriend wrote: »

Are you hanging around and being there cos you can't face yourself as you would see yourself as a lesser or bad person for not letting him take advantage of you?

Yes maybe. An ex of mine committed suicide so that is kind of in the back of my mind - like what if I refuse to help him and he does end up dead kind of thing.

OK you can't save him, you can't make him want to make those changes
and if he does kill himself when it is his choice.

Does he know about your friend that took his own life ?
Does he treathen to end his to guilt you back into interaction with him and make you worry about him ?

I would suggest you have a think about the serenity prayer;

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

The only person you have control over is you and your reactions to him pushing your buttons while he can do that he still feels he has control at least over you, he has you jumping through hoops.

littlefriend · 12-04-2008 11:57pm

Thanks for that Thaedyal - makes a lot of sense. He knows all about my friend who killed himself. I do feel that he manipulates me in lots of ways and that really annoys me but then I start thinking about why he is an addict in the first place and that makes me sad. Its like someone said in an earlier post ''He is not "scum". He is a human being with the serious life-threatening disease of addiction, to which we are all susceptible, by the way.'' Thats what gets me - yes he is an addict but he is an addict because he can't bear to sit in his own skin which is heartbreaking.

I probably won't hear from the fcuker now until the next time he is in trouble.:)

chuci · 13-04-2008 1:09pm

hi little friend i found out about my ex too after we split up that he used do pills and coke and then came to me after we had split up for help. you just have to remember that they are an ex for a reason and to try to forge about him. have you thought about changing your number or anything so that he cant contact you?

id give him the details of st john's and tell him he is on his own. does he know that a previous ex had committed suicide?if so he could be using this against you to gain sympathy. its sad but these people can t manipulate you until they get what they want. i'd suggest that you just send him on his way and change your number.as for his family they should be ashamed of themselves.

board om · 13-04-2008 5:54pm

Hey Littlefriend,

Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I am a little shocked tbh because you were so supportive towards me when you read my posts and you were genuinely concerned for me, which I was really appreciative of, but I had no idea that you had such serious problems of your own to contend with. I actually feel a little bit bad now because if I had known you had this hanging over you I would have gladly offered some advice sooner.

There are few things you have to look at here. Is it that he actually addicted and can’t give up, or is it that he is having a good time so he doesn’t want to give up? you see that fact that he owes money now could be what is scaring him and if he gets the money paid he could just go back to doing exactly what he has been doing. In other words if he didn’t owe the money would he be looking for help at all? you see most drug users will quite happily plod along oblivious to their surroundings and the mess they are causing until something goes wrong that really affects them and brings them back to reality, so like owing money, or being kicked out of their home, or a close family member or friend disowning them unless they give up. A few years ago my reality check was losing my girlfriend, so with that threat looming I had to get clean. But after a while I broke up with my girlfriend for other reasons not drug related and once that threat was gone I quite happily went back to using drugs. A few years later the next reality check was losing my home because the people I lived with couldn’t put up with it anymore so again I got clean. But then a few months later the person who was objecting to my drug using moved out anyway so I again went back to using drugs. So basically you need to figure out is it the fear of owing the money and being beaten up again, or has he actually realised his life is a mess and he wants to get clean and sort his life out? Only he can answer that, but unfortunately if you ask him he will most likely give you the answer he thinks you want to hear. That is one thing you have to remember, a drug user will ALWAYS tell you what they think you want to hear. When you lie as much as we do it becomes second nature and you get used to lying to get what you want. He wants help from you so therefore he will say what ever he thinks will get him that help. But does he want help to pay the money or does he want help sorting his life out? If he wants help paying the money then drop him now and don’t bother giving him a second thought. Because if you help him with the money this time, then he will just be back to you again in a few months with a more drastic story next time. Plus he won’t learn his lesson.

If it is a case he has realised his life is sh*t and he really wants to sort it out, then you can help him but only so much. For instance you can give him the phone numbers to councillors and clinics that will help him, but you can’t call them for him or drive him there. You can give him the tools to help himself but you can’t make him use those tools. He has to do the hard work himself and if you make it too easy for him he won’t learn his lesson. Getting clean isn’t supposed to be easy, it is supposed to be a difficult process so that you learn from it and don’t make the same mistake again. If it was easy then you could use drugs when you wanted to and then get clean as soon as it suited you, and that is pointless.

The fact that on one hand he is saying that he wants help is good, but on the other hand the fact that he states ‘NA and AA aren’t for him’ is a bit of a cop out. If he really wanted to get clean he would take any help available to him, not pick and choose which he would like to do and which he wouldn’t. This maybe shows that he isn’t serious enough about getting clean. If he was really serious he shouldn’t care what way the help is going to come, as long as it helps him get to where he needs to be. And tbh how does he now AA and NA aren’t for him until he has tried them? He said he wants a rehab facility where he can go into for a few weeks and everything will be ok. Does he not realise that you don’t just go into rehab and chill out for 6 weeks getting looked after by nurses and sitting around all day doing nothing? You go to rehab and you spend the days in group counselling sessions and NA / AA meetings. So I am sorry to burst his bubble but it not as comfortable as it sounds. Plus they cost about €18k for 6 weeks, there are no freebies in this country for cocaine addict as far as I know. It sounds like he is looking for somewhere to hide away for a few weeks so he can take a break from life and not worry about being chased for the money he owes, and maybe it will even give him an excuse to his dealers of why he doesn’t have the money. Rehab is a pretty good excuse I suppose.

I have to ask a few things though; firstly does he think that you have money? As in would you be a person that saves regularly so that you would have cash available to you? Or maybe a family member that would bail you out in times of need? If this is the case then his main goal might be getting money. Secondly, does he not work himself? If he does then what is the problem with paying back the money he owes with his salary, or getting a loan to pay off the dealers and then paying it back over the year? Its only €4k so he could have that paid back in a year, once he behaved himself. Regarding his parents, they obviously laughed this off for a reason and you have to ask yourself why? They are his parents after all and alcoholics or not, no parent wants to see their child in danger. So is it a case that maybe they have bailed him out one too many time already and he has burnt his bridges with them as far as help goes? Also are you the ‘only’ person he has left to turn to? Again you have to ask yourself if this is the case then why? After all you are an ‘ex girlfriend’ of 18 months so why you? He must have friends he grew up with, or have met other people in the last 18 months, or have other family? Which makes me think that he has already tapped out every other source and he is now trying the good old reliable ex who has helped him out before? Maybe he thinks by throwing in the sob story of wanting to give up it ill help? The truth is from being in this situation I know that when it comes to the time that you decided you have had enough and its time to sort yourself out, the money isn’t the first thing on your mind, you are. Usually its sort yourself out and then start thinking about other things, like debts, accommodation, a new job, etc. He is talking about the money first which makes me think that is what his main worry is.

All I can say is you need to sit him down and ask these questions, but he needs to know that you aren’t going to be putting your hands in you pocket to bail him out at any point. And that you won’t be holding his hand and bring him to the places he needs to go to. You are there solely as someone to talk to. The end decision for him to get clean has to come from him, and nothing you say or do is going to make that happen. It is 100% completely up to him. It will be interesting to see that if he knows that you aren’t going to be helping him out financially, will he still keep contacting you?

I hope this helps in some way with your decision.

All the best

littlefriend · 13-04-2008 8:55pm

Hi, thanks for the responses.
Board om - how were you to know anything? No need at all for you to feel bad, I'm well over the worst of the situation - a year or so ago it affected me much more. Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful reply - you are sympathetic and matter of fact about things that it is easy to forget that you are living through it. I still wish you'd start writing your story - there is too much of a soul in you for your life to be wasted like this.
I gave some thought to you saying is he actually an addict or is he just having a good time. I honestly don't know. I'm not sure what the definition of an addict is but he is definitely willing to lie to people, let them down and ultimately lose them for the sake of a good time. He has no friends to speak of other than lads he meets at sessions. When I first became aware of his problems it was more that he didn't want the party to end so he'd keep going for a few days. I guess a good few ppl were like that then [he certainly wasn't alone] but slowly everyone has moved on leaving him either getting out of it alone or with younger people.
I think about 3 years ago he was just hiding stuff from me whereas now he is hiding stuff from others too. eg. my flatmate used to buy pills from him- they both thought I didn't know - I did but I didn't bother getting into it with them as I'd be the nag/sensible one etc etc. At that stage they used to boast to each other about how much they had done etc - now I think he'd be kind of ashamed to admit what he had done.. hopefully that makes sense.
Anyway, I don't think he tells me because he wants money - its more that he wants sympathy and a place to hide from it all until the next weekend rolls up.
In relation to his parents- I don't think they are at their wits end and have given up trying to help him. I think they don't want to admit he has any problems because they might have to look at themselves too. eg. he rang me one mornig from some house in the middle of nowhere, he had no way of getting home so I picked him up. He was unbelievably out of his mind and was making me sick. I decided to bring him home to his parents and let them deal with it. His dad helped me in with him - his eyes were rolling in his head - very obviously not from alcohol - he was filthy, hadn't been home in 3 days or something, hadn't phoned in sick to work etc - guess what his parents said - he drinks too fast - he needs to slow down a bit. The next day he went for lunch w/ his parents to talk about things. The lunch was in a pub and they all got hammered. Shortly after that it was Christmas and he was still pretending [to me at least] that he was giving everything up - I went to visit his parents and the house was full of, and I mean full of every type of drink you could think of. He was clearly locked when I got there and the mother starts saying stuff like ah sure if he cant let his hair down at christmas when can he.
Ahh I'm actually annoying myself now so I'll stop - bottom line is he wants me to make him feel better about himself and look after him, wash and iron his clothes so they are nice for him etc etc basically mother him.. standard parenting stuff that his actual parents haven't done 'cause they are too busy in the pub/bookies/smoking.
I know that he isn't serious about changing his life right now so I don't know why I'm stressing about it.
sorry for the moaning, I'm a bit angry about it all today - after all the drama yesterday he has turned his phone off so God knows where he is. zzz
thanks again B om

Ex boyfriend in trouble with cocaine & alcohol abuse

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