Inafatuated with a male friend

LegacyUser · 11-04-2008 2:03pm #1

Hi all

First of all i've made a really big mistake.

Let me set the scene. I'm a 21 year old male student. I've always had problems socially and never really had friends through school. Part of me blames my overbearing mother while the other part just blames myself. Anyway, around 5th year a began to start hanging around with a group of lads in my year - about 5 or 6 of them. I was delighted with the outlet. I got along well with them and got closer and closer. I even went away on holidays with some of them during the summer. That's when the trouble started. You see, as time went by i became more and more interested in one of them. Not sexually. It's hard to explain. As the years past i kept my secret to myself - bottling it up inside me. I had to do something.

Now what i did next scares me. About 3 months ago i managed to get his house key. One day when he was away I let myself into his house. i don't even know what my plan was. I just needed to. I went upstairs and entered his room. I'm crazy i know. I could smell his aftershave. Just as i started looking around i heared a noise downstairs. No!, it couldnt be!, i thought to myself. It was the front door. I was scared. What had i done? He was home early. I just froze. I stood there in shock. I don't know how long i was there for. Time stopped making sense to me. I could hear him downstairs still but i knew i had to leave. I just ran. Down the stairs and out the door, down the road and into my car. He saw me.

He confronted me but i just couldn't tell him. How could I? I made up some lie about me seeing the door ajar and going in to check was everthing OK. I know he doesn't believe me. He has told the rest of the group too and now nobody is talking to me anymore.

What should I do? How can i explain my feelings? Can you even explain my feelings to me?

LegacyUser · 12-04-2008 5:19pm

You say "not in a sexual way" but that sounds a good bit beyond 'bro crush'. Sounds like a hard-core first infatuation that you didn't deal with terribly appropriately because you are a bit delayed socially (not having friends likely put your social skills in somewhat stasis).

On a personal level, I'd figure out if you are gay or something. If you are, that could have contributed to part of the social issues - always feeling a bit different and not entirely sure why.

Learn to make some more friends. It will make you more comfortable socially and make you less dependent on the ones you have. Social skills can be learned, and you can't just beat yourself up because you are a bit social behind your peers - that's half the people who post on the internet

As for repairing the damage with the old group - I have no idea. It just seems like they'll always be a bit uncomfortable with you now at this point no matter what. Maybe if you step a way for a bit and make some new friends, then see them again and are like "i'm sorry I was acting a bit weird, it's because of XXX, but I'm over that now".

seahorse · 12-04-2008 10:09pm

I'm really stumped as to what to say here, and that is unusual for me, believe me. Do you even fully understand how odd and highly inappropriate this behaviour is? Do you get that beyond that, it was illegal? This is the closest thing to stalking I have ever read on the internet and I hope you'll understand I am not trying to be cruel when I advise you to get some help; I genuinely think you could benefit from it.

I would be freaked out of my mind if somebody did this in my home and I would certainly call the guards. Honestly, I think you need to talk to a counsellor to try to figure out what compelled you to do that because if you were to repeat this type of behaviour enough times it could destroy your life. You need to fully understand that no matter what your feelings towards another person you have no right - ever - to intrude upon their private life and space in this way.

Sherifu · 12-04-2008 10:33pm

Coop08 wrote: »

What should I do? How can i explain my feelings? Can you even explain my feelings to me?

I'm not sure there's a lot you can do if the friends want nothing more to do with you tbh. You've done something very wrong and broken their trust. I don't know what you're feeling but it sounds like you may need help to sort yourself out.

Miss Fluff · 12-04-2008 10:52pm

Coop08 wrote: »

Now what i did next scares me.

I guess its a consolation that you recognize that this is neither "normal" or acceptable behaviour. Why are you so adamant in saying this was not a sexual interest? Had you not been caught that day what might you have done? How did you procure his house keys? Was being in possession of his keys all very fortuitous or pre-meditated?

:eek:Enough already, amateur psychology is a dangerous route to go down so I won't but to reiterate you recognize this is not the norm and you should really go and talk to someone and get to the bottom of WHY you did this. Maybe go and talk to your GP about cognitive behavioural therapy.

chuci · 13-04-2008 1:35pm

ok id be totally freaked if that happened to me. no wonder the group arent talking to you. if you hadn't been disturbed what would you have done do you think? are you sure you aren't attracted to him in a sexual way? id see a counsellor and try to get yourself sorted mate. maybe it was your overbearing mother or something else but this is not acceptable behaviour its creepy.

wylo · 13-04-2008 3:19pm

Hey OP, perhaps you should say this to a counseller or something because I doubt anyone here is a professional enough psychologist to give you advice on a situation like this.

"About 3 months ago i managed to get his house key. One day when he was away I let myself into his house. i don't even know what my plan was. I just needed to. I went upstairs and entered his room. I'm crazy i know. I could smell his aftershave."

To me that is stalking

colly10 · 13-04-2008 3:48pm

Tbh I couldn't explain or understand your actions, to me thats increadably creepy. I don't know how you could say you don't at least fancy that lad and that theirs nothing sexual in it when your talking about the smell of his aftershave etc...
I don't really think that there's anything you could say or do to your friends or him to make up for this, id say the chap couldn't believe what he was seeing when he came home and saw you running out the door.
My advice would be to find new friends and get professional help, everyone makes mistakes but this one is a few steps to far to be the actions of someone who's thinking straight

Bottle_of_Smoke · 13-04-2008 4:16pm

Well you've realised it was nuts. That's something. If I found out any of my mates did this to anyone I'd never fully be able to trust them again.

I'd move to a new city if I were in your position.

m83 · 13-04-2008 7:02pm

Wow, can't believe this isn't a troll. Aaanyway, I'd reconsider your beliefs on it being a non sexual thing. Could you maybe write down five things you like about him or that you find interesting? This might help us get to the route of the problem.. and it is a major problem!

AckwelFoley · 13-04-2008 7:12pm

This is actually rather normal, perhaps your behaviour is a little extream, but it is common knowledge, that older teens and young adult males can become somewhat infatuated with another male friend. I nerver was myself that i can think of but i have heard about this many times.

Its not a sexual thing and i believe this to be true, i personally think its a reflection of admiration on this other guy, you see him as somone you would like to be.
I suggest you dont tell him how you feel. Men at your age have alot of emotional maturing to do. But i would become a realiable friend, one he can trust, and his influence will become part of your life for the better.

Good Luck

Inafatuated with a male friend

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