Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Feeling rejected

Options
  • 02-04-2008 3:09am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm going out with a great guy for 7 years. I really love him to bits. The problem is the lack of sex. When we first met, like most relationships, we were at it like rabbits. In the last year I can count how many times on the one hand we've had sex. We are now never intimate at all no kissing holding hands, nada. I've tried on numerous occasions to initiate it to no avail. On a few occasions we've had heavy petting sessions usually after a few drinks but rarely actual sexual intercourse. I'm very confused as when I ask my boyfriend what the problem is he can't tell me. He at the best of times is very shy and finds it hard to talk about things. I've asked him is it me? has he gone off me? does he not find me attractive anymore he always replies its nothing to do with me and that he loves me still. I'll add that these responses are after afew drinks. I feel very rejected over this and very hurt when I tell him this he looks really mortified and says that sex is not the be all and end all. I agree with this to a certain extent our relationship is great other than this, we're best friends, really enjoy each others company........., but surely the lack of sex points to something wrong in our relationship?? I don't think its an impudence problem he can get erections. can anyone share your experiences if you have gone through this or suggest any reasons or any recommendations. Any help will be appreciated as I'm at my wits end and don't want to put pressure on my bf?? Males perspective would be great too. Ty. He's 40 btw


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Carrigart Exile
    Closed Accounts Posts: 994 ✭✭✭Carrigart Exile


    Back in the days when sex was generally kept until after marraige there was a great saying which went along the lines of 'if you put a dried pea in a bottle every time you make love in that first year of marraige and take one out of that bottle every time after the first year, even after ten years there will still be peas in the bottle'. Lust turns to deeper and different feelings so that might be part of it. He is also at an age when men start to get the occassional 'failure' in the male arrousal department, has this happened before, if so it might be playing on his mind. The third option of course is he could just have a very low sex drive.


  • Options
    #3
    Niamh21
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭Niamh21


    I was in a relationship for 5 years, as usual sex was great during the "honeymoon period", in the last year of the relationship the sex dwindled and it was mainly down to me. I thought that was just what happened and that everyone goes off sex after a while. But after some time, i realised that i just did'nt fancy my boyfriend anymore.

    This is just my experience, your situation seems different due to the fact that your boyfriend is 40. Apparently women get more sexual with age, while a man's sex drive dwindles. Men reach their sexual peak between 18-22, while women reach theirs between 35-40.

    You could try spicing things up in the bedroom. Why not leave an ann summers catalougue lying around and see if he shows any interest in it??!


  • Options
    #4
    barbiegirl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,846 ✭✭✭barbiegirl


    Lets not be so negative. Yes the sex does calm down after a while but Sex is a very important aspect of a relationship and like everything else needs to be worked on. Take drink out of the equation. You need to talk openly and honestly, if you can't do this on your own, then try relate or some other councelling organisation. This needs tackling and now. You can get things back on track, as my future mother in law said on her 40th wedding anniversary that marriage was about tenacity, hanging in there. Tenacity, hardwork and communication a good relationship make.
    Please don't give up and walk out. Talk, cause if you love him the sex can come back again, and generally better quality if not quantity.


  • Options
    #5
    aye
    Closed Accounts Posts: 991 ✭✭✭aye


    spice it up, maybe he is just bored of the same old thing.
    he could also be stressed with work and just tired.
    go on a weekend away or something, anything to change the routine.


  • Options
    #6
    lorweld
    Registered Users Posts: 1,867 ✭✭✭lorweld


    aye wrote: »
    spice it up, maybe he is just bored of the same old thing.
    he could also be stressed with work and just tired.
    go on a weekend away or something, anything to change the routine.

    +1 op all relationships go through ups and downs, feasts and famines I wouldn't take it personally, Surprise him with a weekend away as aye has suggested It will be a chance to talk things through and maybe lead to more intimacy. Good luck with this.:)


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Kinda know how you feel, i'm going out with my GF for little over 3 years now and we have a low frequency. its a hard one to figure out, i seem to want it all the time but it takes two to tango. i get a lot of offers from other people but i think if you do that then there's just no point. i was at my wits end as well but then i look around me, and you got to realise what you have and not what you don't have. you say you are best friends and everything else is perfect. some would love that situation. The sex part will come back. i'm no expert but go with your gut feeling. don't know if other people feel the same or maybe i'm mad.


  • Options
    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    thanks for replies. I've tried romantic weekends away, european city breaks but sadly no sex! When i went away for a weekend with my friends I even brought him back some porn sadly again to no avail However I do know he watched it alone. As for a low sex drive up until this he had a very high sex drive. Thanks hawo I am very happy with him and know I'm very lucky but it still always plays on my mind


  • Options
    #9
    Marksie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    Hmmm. Have you thought of stepping back and reintroducing intimacy into the relationship. Rather than the sexual aspect straight off?
    Actually taking time to rediscover things? To recapture the spark you had?

    LTR can suffer from complacency, familiarity and a feeling of being taken for granted.

    Have a look at sacred sexuality pathways like (neo)tantra or taoist philosophies. At the basic levels they are designed to bring in intimacy connection and rediscovery into the sex lives of couples.


  • Options
    #10
    xxdilemmaxx
    Registered Users Posts: 330 ✭✭xxdilemmaxx


    Marksie wrote: »

    Have a look at sacred sexuality pathways like (neo)tantra or taoist philosophies. At the basic levels they are designed to bring in intimacy connection and rediscovery into the sex lives of couples.

    Marksie, how would you find out more info on the above, can you recommend any books or anything?


  • Options
    #11
    Marksie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    xxdilemmaxx wrote: »
    Marksie, how would you find out more info on the above, can you recommend any books or anything?

    Yep Certainly.

    If you do a google search you will find loads of stuff, its separating the wheat from the chaff really. So avoid anything with too much emphasis on positions..thats not what it about really.

    Now amazon has a huge collection of books, but my particular path is skydancing tantra. so have a look at books by margot anand
    http://www.margotanand.com/

    But there are loads out there to have a look at. and ma nand geho, tantric love is a very nice little book indeed
    http://www.amazon.com/Tantric-Ananda-Swami-Anand-Sarita/dp/1856751473/ref=sr_1_3/103-3633722-7486246?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1207164415&sr=1-3

    One of the taoist paths is the multiorgasmic series. man/woman/ couple

    OK as for stuff in ireland :

    http://www.dakinimoon.com/

    You have missed the first lecture but there is another on the 10th.

    there is also this:
    http://www.passionategastronomy.com/

    My teacher aslo runs workshops and does one on one, but you will have to pm me for details. I do believe she is running a workshop soon.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    minime1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭minime1


    Have ypu tried relationship councelling? It might help open up communications?


  • Options
    #13
    crackedactor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭crackedactor


    I agree - go to relationship counselling - I had a similar experience and before we talked about things properly my partner had met someone else - The relationship was really good apart from that intimacy that ultimately left my partner feeling unwanted and uninterested in attending counselling at that point - It's always good to look for help and if you can work together to try to improve things for both of you then you have a chance of a great relationship.


Advertisement