family home after split

Sin City · 23-02-2014 9:40am #1

Not looking for legal advice per se but what happens to family home after split. My ex has started to see another guy I kmow and to be honest I dont want him in my house near my kids.

Can I stop paying mortgage or can I just get house sold
Anyone else been in this predicament that can give advise?

Ken. · 23-02-2014 9:50am

Besides anything else selling the house won't stop your ex seeing someone. More than likely it'll make her bitter towards you and your kids resent you for trying to take their home away.

Now besides the above most times a Judge will allow the main guardian(usually the mother) the children to remain in the family home till the youngest child is 18 (or up to 23) if in full time education.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 10:00am

Ok can I get her to buy me out.
im not doing this to make her stop seeing her I just want the home we built together not to be a drop in center for her fellas. I know I'm bitter I just dont want to keep paying mortgage for a place im not staying in. I also dont want bank ringing me for mortgage money

racso1975 · 23-02-2014 10:05am

But you have yo keep in mind that you are paying it for your kids to stay in.

Ken. · 23-02-2014 10:07am

You can ask her to. Would she be able to afford it?. I can imagine the bank would be your biggest stumbling block in trying to get your name off the mortgage.

You really need to go to a solicitor about that.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 10:07am

racso1975 wrote: »

But you have yo keep in mind that you are paying it for your kids to stay in.

I know that. The kids would never be homeless. Their well being will be taken care of

Sin City · 23-02-2014 10:10am

ken wrote: »

You can ask her to. Would she be able to afford it?. I can imagine the bank would be your biggest stumbling block in trying to get your name off the mortgage.

You really need to go to a solicitor about that.

Yeah id say ill have to get legal advice alright about this
Still would like to hear from anyone in this situation.

I'm not going to be able to afford mortgage and paying for myself to stay somewhere too

Ken. · 23-02-2014 10:12am

Are you on speaking terms at all with her? Is there anything to be said for mediation?. Just to get stuff like this sorted out.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 10:14am

ken wrote: »

Are you on speaking terms at all with her? Is there anything to be said for mediation?. Just to get stuff like this sorted out.

I was on speaking terms with her. Not so sure now though.
Might try mediation if she agrees. But I'm just trying to prepare for the worst case scenario now

Rachiee · 23-02-2014 10:19am

Maybe your kids don't want to leave their home. Its upsetting enough for them that you no longer live there without upending their lives completely and forcing them to move. It must be very frustrating to see your ex inviting guys over to the house that you are paying for but you can't control who she dates. Don't think about paying the mortgage as doing her a favour. You are doing it for your kids and its the right thing to do.

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 10:21am

Sin City wrote: »

Yeah id say ill have to get legal advice alright about this
Still would like to hear from anyone in this situation.

I'm not going to be able to afford mortgage and paying for myself to stay somewhere too

Every situation is different so legal advise is crucial. However I would try to come to some agreement through mediation or colaberative law than going into courts. It gets very expensive going into court.

You will be paying maintainance in some form or other.

I ended up staying in my home while my ex moved elsewhere (her choice). Even though we went through courts and it was agreed she would have no claim to the family home the banks still won't take her name from mortgage.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 10:28am

Rachiee wrote: »

Maybe your kids don't want to leave their home. Its upsetting enough for them that you no longer live there without upending their lives completely and forcing them to move. It must be very frustrating to see your ex inviting guys over to the house that you are paying for but you can't control who she dates. Don't think about paying the mortgage as doing her a favour. You are doing it for your kids and its the right thing to do.

I kmow. I have thought about kids I never ever want to upset then. However her dad lives in area so if she had to move back the kids friends and school would still be close by. As I said im not going to be able to afford both mortgage and rent.
I'm not doing this to control who she dates. As much as it pains me to say it your right I have no say in that.
I do think that seeing as she ended it I should not have to fork out most of my wages for the mortgage and running cost of the house.

Dont get me wrong I will pay for kids alright but I cannot afford to do all this anymore
the upc creche mortgage my own place and day to day expenses.

Surely if she has ended the relationship she should have to shoulder most of financial burdens

Sin City · 23-02-2014 10:33am

topcatcbr wrote: »

Every situation is different so legal advise is crucial. However I would try to come to some agreement through mediation or colaberative law than going into courts. It gets very expensive going into court.

You will be paying maintainance in some form or other.

I ended up staying in my home while my ex moved elsewhere (her choice). Even though we went through courts and it was agreed she would have no claim to the family home the banks still won't take her name from mortgage.

Thanks for the advice. I fully expect and will pay maintenance. I have no problem with that. I will provide for my kids no questions and I will do my best so that they don't go without

What happened with your ex. She has no claim to family home but bank won't take her off the mortgage. Is she paying any of the mortgage at all?

moy83 · 23-02-2014 10:35am

I see this happening with a couple I know and it got messy on the kids . The huband was grand until the wife started seeing someone else and he started staying over . He stopped paying the mortgage and pulled other strokes aswell .
The house was actually sold this week and its backfired on him as she got 70% of the profit and is moving herself and kids into the boyfriend's house .

If I divorced my wife I think it would drive me mad to see someone else staying in the house with her and the kids but at the end of the day all you can do now is try and keep the best home you can for the kids given the circumstances , it might be a tough pill to swallow but thats life after divorce and kids have to come first whether you're happily married or bitterly divorced

Sin City · 23-02-2014 10:43am

moy83 wrote: »

I see this happening with a couple I know and it got messy on the kids . The huband was grand until the wife started seeing someone else and he started staying over . He stopped paying the mortgage and pulled other strokes aswell .
The house was actually sold this week and its backfired on him as she got 70% of the profit and is moving herself and kids into the boyfriend's house .

If I divorced my wife I think it would drive me mad to see someone else staying in the house with her and the kids but at the end of the day all you can do now is try and keep the best home you can for the kids given the circumstances , it might be a tough pill to swallow but thats life after divorce and kids have to come first whether you're happily married or bitterly divorced

Thanks for the advice.
It is a bitter pill to swallow alright. I would be in a very similar situation with your friend. I know this could all backfire. Im in a no win situation really. Do nothing he could move into my home and my bed. Do what your friend did same thing except not in the house that they shared.

I know I'm comming accross as a bitter vengeful ex here which I'm not really. Just going though a tough time and finding it hard to deal with.

I cant run myself into the ground financially for her

moy83 · 23-02-2014 10:54am

Sin City wrote: »

Thanks for the advice.
It is a bitter pill to swallow alright. I would be in a very similar situation with your friend. I know this could all backfire. Im in a no win situation really. Do nothing he could move into my home and my bed. Do what your friend did same thing except not in the house that they shared.

I know I'm comming accross as a bitter vengeful ex here which I'm not really. Just going though a tough time and finding it hard to deal with.

I cant run myself into the ground financially for her

I know exactly what you feel , and for awhile I thought he was right about someone else staying over . But from watching it all happen , the wife still has someone else living with her no matter how much the hubby tried to put a spanner in the works , and the animosity just made things harder on the kids . The youngest is getting counselling and the oldest has dropped back alot in school .
Forget about the wife if you can and attribute any payments for the house or maintenance to the kids , they should be the main thing on your mind if possible at all . I know its tough going but hopefully it will get easier with time

Sin City · 23-02-2014 11:00am

moy83 wrote: »

I know exactly what you feel , and for awhile I thought he was right about someone else staying over . But from watching it all happen , the wife still has someone else living with her no matter how much the hubby tried to put a spanner in the works , and the animosity just made things harder on the kids . The youngest is getting counselling and the oldest has dropped back alot in school .
Forget about the wife if you can and attribute any payments for the house or maintenance to the kids , they should be the main thing on your mind if possible at all . I know its tough going but hopefully it will get easier with time

I know someone was staying over. I commited the cardinal sin and read her phone and confronted her. She had me wrapped around her finger. Fixing her car and dropping everything and rushing over if she needed anything anytime of day or night. I know I have to get on with my life and forget her but at the moment with money I'm spending and the fact we still live in same area its easier said than done.

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 11:16am

Sin City wrote: »

What happened with your ex. She has no claim to family home but bank won't take her off the mortgage. Is she paying any of the mortgage at all?

No. But when the mortgage is fully paid I should then be in a position to take her off the deeds.

It's not all that fair but I can do nothing about it.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 11:18am

topcatcbr wrote: »

No. But when the mortgage is fully paid I should then be in a position to take her off the deeds.

It's not all that fair but I can do nothing about it.

Yeah, Id say im in for a lot of that. Unfairness alright. At least you got the house. Were there any kids involved? and if so did they stay with you in the house?

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 11:19am

If he moves into your house your entitled to get rent from him.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 11:22am

topcatcbr wrote: »

If he moves into your house your entitled to get rent from him.

Good point alright.
Its early in their relationship and I do think my ex has the brains not to move someone new in so soon after my kids father was kicked out of the family home. But who knows, maybe in the summer he will move in and I should ask for rent

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 11:25am

Sin City wrote: »

Were there any kids involved? and if so did they stay with you in the house?

Yea two. They live with their mother. Courts will rarely give residency to fathers over mothers.

In fairness she did not get everything her way in court. She insisted on going to court. As I made her a very generous offer to not go in I think she thought she would get far more in court. She actually got a little more than half what I offered.

However it was very stressful and cost lots in legal fees and I'd not recommend it. If at all possible agree outside of court but make sure it's done legally. As in its a legally binding agreement.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 11:26am

Im a bit late to this but Im in the same situation as the OP
I havent started paying maintence yet as split was failry recent. My earnings are much like the OP . I have been paying creche fees mortgage and utilities, (UPC life assurence etc)

Ill be putting my kids on VHI too
But money is becomming tight really and I need my own place too which could cripple me but if I am to move on I do need my own place

If I am to pay maintence then surely the expenses that I am paying will have to stop or be limited

Sin City · 23-02-2014 11:30am

topcatcbr wrote: »

Yea two. They live with their mother. Courts will rarely give residency to fathers over mothers.

In fairness she did not get everything her way in court. She insisted on going to court. As I made her a very generous offer to not go in I think she thought she would get far more in court. She actually got a little more than half what I offered.

However it was very stressful and cost lots in legal fees and I'd not recommend it. If at all possible agree outside of court but make sure it's done legally. As in its a legally binding agreement.

Of course I would prefer an amicible agreement however my ex is financially driven. One of the reasons for the split was her carrying me when I was unemployed for a few years. Im just getting back on my feet financially although my income is very paltry , for now at least till I start and complete my masters and get a new job or a promotion

Yeah courts will always look favourably on the mothers.
She is a great mum in fairness to her. I would never want to seperate her from the kids and I think she would feel similar

However I still cant afford to pay for mortgage and other sundries, espcailly now that I wont be living there

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 12:26pm

Sin City wrote: »

However I still cant afford to pay for mortgage and other sundries, espcailly now that I wont be living there

I fully understand this. I would have been in a similar position if my ex wanted to live in my home.

The children will always come first but.

You can only afford what you can afford. And you cannot get blood out of a stone.

This is the view taken in most courts these days. It is not good to see fathers destitute either. This is most often the view taken by a judge. As with people every judge will be a bit different and it can be a bit of a lotto.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 12:34pm

Another thought I had is how will this effect me getting a mortgage mysef if I already have one on their house. If the house isnt sold or if she doesnt buy me out I would end up renting for life

Sin City · 23-02-2014 12:36pm

topcatcbr wrote: »

I fully understand this. I would have been in a similar position if my ex wanted to live in my home.

The children will always come first but.

You can only afford what you can afford. And you cannot get blood out of a stone.

This is the view taken in most courts these days. It is not good to see fathers destitute either. This is most often the view taken by a judge. As with people every judge will be a bit different and it can be a bit of a lotto.

I dont want to leave my kids without either. A rock and a hard place is where I see myself now.

I have to see whats a suitable maintence agreement.
Baring in mind im not on a high income at the moment either

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 12:38pm

Sin City wrote: »

Another thought I had is how will this effect me getting a mortgage mysef if I already have one on their house. If the house isnt sold or if she doesnt buy me out I would end up renting for life

It will be next to immpossible through banks but I think the councils give mortgages to people in our position.

If you go to court and your ex cannot afford the mortgage on her own with whatever Maintainance she is awarded you may be required to sell the home.

It is often the only option.

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 12:45pm

Sin City wrote: »

I dont want to leave my kids without either. A rock and a hard place is where I see myself now.

I have to see whats a suitable maintence agreement.
Baring in mind im not on a high income at the moment either

I know where you are coming from. It's important to stay strong.

You will go through some bad times. But you will come thro this. Get counciling if you need it or talk to close friend.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 12:49pm

topcatcbr wrote: »

It will be next to immpossible through banks but I think the councils give mortgages to people in our position.

If you go to court and your ex cannot afford the mortgage on her own with whatever Maintainance she is awarded you may be required to sell the home.

It is often the only option.

This truly is a horrible situation to be in. On the upside kids will be fine and looked after. Now that I'm after finding out how difficult it will be for me to get a mortgage while I'm paying for her house its kind of scared me . I'm hearing conflicting results in the family home. Either the court will issue the sale or she gets it all while I pay for it

Sin City · 23-02-2014 12:51pm

topcatcbr wrote: »

I know where you are coming from. It's important to stay strong.

You will go through some bad times. But you will come thro this. Get counciling if you need it or talk to close friend.

Thanks for the advice. HHowever I lost contact with most of my close friends while I was with her

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 1:05pm

Sin City wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. HHowever I lost contact with most of my close friends while I was with her

Then you need to network with others in a similar position. There is a father's for justice group which may be of some help to you. Just a few words of caution tho. There are many very bitter men out there. And while they may have good cause its not very productive and can easily side track someone from the main goal of finding the best solution for the situation they're in.

I don't know where you live but you can get legal advise from your local citizens info office. They have a solicitor you can talk to on certain days. They might be able to give you info on a local support group.

Your ex will get plenty of advice (both good and bad) from every one she meets. Us men are not as good at supporting each other.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 1:09pm

topcatcbr wrote: »

Then you need to network with others in a similar position. There is a father's for justice group which may be of some help to you. Just a few words of caution tho. There are many very bitter men out there. And while they may have good cause its not very productive and can easily side track someone from the main goal of finding the best solution for the situation they're in.

I don't know where you live but you can get legal advise from your local citizens info office. They have a solicitor you can talk to on certain days. They might be able to give you info on a local support group.

Your ex will get plenty of advice (both good and bad) from every one she meets. Us men are not as good at supporting each other.

Yeah, I do have to find others in this situation. This is all new to me. I think my sisters bf was in the same position, must talk to him. Im bitter now but that will fade alright in time, but I have to put the kids first aswell as have my owm best interests to the forefront, The fact that I may never own my own home after this is an eye opener, unless I get the house sold and the remainder of the mortgage paid off.

topcatcbr · 23-02-2014 1:52pm

Sin City wrote: »

Yeah, I do have to find others in this situation. This is all new to me. I think my sisters bf was in the same position, must talk to him. Im bitter now but that will fade alright in time, but I have to put the kids first aswell as have my owm best interests to the forefront, The fact that I may never own my own home after this is an eye opener, unless I get the house sold and the remainder of the mortgage paid off.

Be wary of any advice you get including my own as every situation is unique.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 2:40pm

topcatcbr wrote: »

Be wary of any advice you get including my own as every situation is unique.

Off course. I'm taking advice but am thinking everything through myself and seeing what is best

pablo128 · 23-02-2014 2:53pm

If you wanted to ruffle her feathers you could always move back into the house claiming you can't afford to live anywhere else. Of course that would be a bit petty, and you don't come across as that type of person. That option is there, though.
You can also wait till the youngest child is 18 or finished full time education and either buy her half out, she can buy your half out, or have the house sold and split the money.
A judge would make an order for that no problem.

Sin City · 23-02-2014 3:13pm

No wony be moving back in and cause disruption for the kids.
Sad thing is I still love her so I would be in for more heartache if I did that

emmabrighton · 25-02-2014 3:46pm

Sorry if this is a stupid question but if you were "unemployed"/"stay at home dad", were you not in fact the primary carer? In which case, should you not be entitled to stay with the kids in the family home and she leave and pay your maintenance?

This is exactly what happened to a friend of mine: he got to stay in the family home and mind the kids and she had to move out and pay child support.

Obviously, I am not aware of the finer details of the case but could something like this not apply to you...?

Sin City · 25-02-2014 4:04pm

emmabrighton wrote: »

Sorry if this is a stupid question but if you were "unemployed"/"stay at home dad", were you not in fact the primary carer? In which case, should you not be entitled to stay with the kids in the family home and she leave and pay your maintenance?

This is exactly what happened to a friend of mine: he got to stay in the family home and mind the kids and she had to move out and pay child support.

Obviously, I am not aware of the finer details of the case but could something like this not apply to you...?

TThat would have been true at one stage but since I have found employment so I'm not primary care giver anymore. So id say a judge wouldn't give me that status. I could be wrong though as I said this is all new to me

Cdub · 25-02-2014 4:08pm

Move back in and stay there until she decides that either selling the house and splitting the proceeds or buying you out is on the table.

That way you stay close to your kids which seems a better option then them having to be in the company of strange guys, probably stifle other guys coming into the house and get her focussed on a solution that works for both of you.

This may seem petty but it should bring the situation to a head much quicker than not being in the house and hoping that she comes around to your way of thinking. You'll still be waiting in a years time I suspect.

Sin City · 25-02-2014 6:32pm

Cdub wrote: »

Move back in and stay there until she decides that either selling the house and splitting the proceeds or buying you out is on the table.

That way you stay close to your kids which seems a better option then them having to be in the company of strange guys, probably stifle other guys coming into the house and get her focussed on a solution that works for both of you.

This may seem petty but it should bring the situation to a head much quicker than not being in the house and hoping that she comes around to your way of thinking. You'll still be waiting in a years time I suspect.

Would cause a lot of tension in house in front of kids probably not the best idea.
Thing is I still love her

desbrook · 26-02-2014 12:04am

Sin City wrote: »

Would cause a lot of tension in house in front of kids probably not the best idea.
Thing is I still love her

Your first goal should be acceptance that the relationship is over. Without this you can't possibly organise separation. Seek counselling or whatever it takes - THEN see what your options are.

Sin City · 26-02-2014 12:45am

desbrook wrote: »

Your first goal should be acceptance that the relationship is over. Without this you can't possibly organise separation. Seek counselling or whatever it takes - THEN see what your options are.

I know that's the logical step. Just hhaven't accepted it yet. But I will ill have no choice

Sin City · 31-03-2014 2:58pm

Update. Ex may still have feelings for me. She is confused as to what she wants or who she wants to be with and she still has not slept with new guy and barely sees him.
New guy is unemployed which is one of the reasons she left me while I now am in full employment.

Any opinions on my chances of a reconciliation?

LegacyUser · 31-03-2014 3:15pm

Sin City wrote: »

Update. Ex may still have feelings for me. She is confused as to what she wants or who she wants to be with and she still has not slept with new guy and barely sees him.
New guy is unemployed which is one of the reasons she left me while I now am in full employment.

Any opinions on my chances of a reconciliation?

She did it once she can do it again

Taltos · 31-03-2014 3:47pm

OP - to be blunt you and your wife/ex both need to step back here.

What is best for the kids?
a) You both to try again and fail again - damaging them in the process
b) You both try again - and it works, only you know if it will work, I for one don't believe for a moment she is not sleeping with her boyfriend, it stinks to me as someone keeping you going to be frank. But again that is just my gut feel, I don't know her, but sounds like classic cheater syndrome - ie if she was not sure of the boyfriend then why is he still around...
c) Keep as you are - continue with the separation and later divorce.

Remember kids need stability and to know they are loved. What they don't need is an on-again off-again parent trap.

Wompa1 · 12-04-2014 12:42am

Sin City wrote: »

Update. Ex may still have feelings for me. She is confused as to what she wants or who she wants to be with and she still has not slept with new guy and barely sees him.
New guy is unemployed which is one of the reasons she left me while I now am in full employment.

Any opinions on my chances of a reconciliation?

I've never been married or divorced but just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. If I was you I would move on...If you being unemployed was used against you then she's not a very loving partner. Best of luck, time is the only healer

Tramps Like Us · 12-04-2014 11:55pm

Mate you already said she had you wrapped around ur finger until you discovered the stuff on her phone - don't fall for it again

Sin City · 13-04-2014 10:29am

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Mate you already said she had you wrapped around ur finger until you discovered the stuff on her phone - don't fall for it again

Not going to. I have had a lot to think about over the last few months. I'm gonna get myself sorted out. Doing my masters now and hopefully get a better standard of living and put this awful mess behind me. Just make the best of what iv got hopefully a brighter future. ..

shes still whinging about money and not being able to go out as I won't mind the kids when shes out on the pull . I will eventually buy itll wreck my head if I do it now.

I suppose there could be an element of you made your bed happening here too. Childish alright but I think for my own sanity it has to be this way

family home after split

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