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what would you think?

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13

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    #62
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    I know. I was under pressure to decide.

    Did he give believable explanations for lying to you, losing the handle and telling you to move out?

    Even if he did, the most important question is - can you trust him? If you can't, the relationship is over.


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    #63
    shalalala
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,710 ✭✭✭shalalala


    Hi OP, none of us can judge, it is not our relationship or our heart. You have to rebuild the trust. Whether or not this can be done is another story. He firstly has to admit that he has done something wrong before you can even start to get over it.

    Good luck OP.


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    #64
    whats_my_name
    Registered Users Posts: 220 ✭✭whats_my_name


    It's all fine & dandy for people sitting behind a computer to tell you how to live your life, as well intended & from as a good as a place it comes from but at the end of the day it's your life & your living through this situation yourself, none of us. When any of our friends confide in us & tell us problems in their relationship we can be very quick to advise them to get out & not put up with anything but when it comes to our own relationship it's not as easy to use the same advice we would give a friend.

    So your back in the house & back with him, first things first, you need to address his behaviour & why he reacted like that. Tell him your feeling insecure at the mo & this has really started to make you question if all is what it seems & he will need to be completely honest with you, so the next time his phone rings & you ask him who it is, he doesn't jump on the defensive.


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    #65
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    The first time I doubted him was when he said blocked no. I didnt think he was having an affair as such, it was more the lie and angry scenario. He admits he did wrong and feels awful for forcing me out. He said that would never happen again. He says he said blocked no as he was tired and didnt want to talk about work and that the name was entered wrong. I accept that. He was cheated on himself and I've no other reason to doubt him.
    I had to think of everything the whole two yrs. The trust is there. The worst was having to leave for 2 nts. I've made rash decisions in the past and don't want to throw away 2yrs on a big misunderstanding.


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    #66
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    It's up to you what you do, but it doesn't sound as though he's given you any explanation.

    Okay, so say he's telling the truth about the call - he did it to avoid talking about work.

    So, why was it less stressful to kick you out of your home than to speak about work?


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    #67
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    So basically he threatened you so that you either left (which he now knows you wont go through with) or else you put up and shut up. He isn't offering anything new here, he just left you long enough to realise that if you question him again he has no problem actually breaking up to avoid a fight. And now he knows you're going to go back to him every time he treats you wrong because he doesn't have to answer to you.


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    #68
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Ask to see his recent phone bills OP...thats what did it for me..no way would he let me see them...I know how you feel..Its an awful body blow when it happens out of the blue but what Ive found is that I could believe the excuses/lies for a day or two and then I was back to square one again in absolute bits...Once the trust is gone I dont think you ever can go back to how things were...Take Care


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    #69
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OP, I completely understand why you are back. It's incredibly difficult to walk away from a relationship. Even more so when the other person is begging and promising. But, I think this is the beginning of the end for your relationship. I think it will all go back to normal for a while, but I think it will be short lived.

    I may be completely wrong, but we've seen it all before, many times. There is something more to that phone call then he is telling you. It might not be the phone call exactly, but there is something he is not telling you. At least if/when the time comes that you decide to call it a day you won't have regrets that you didn't try.

    Good luck to you, I do hope things will work out for you.


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    #70
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Colser wrote: »
    Ask to see his recent phone bills OP...thats what did it for me..no way would he let me see them...I know how you feel..Its an awful body blow when it happens out of the blue but what Ive found is that I could believe the excuses/lies for a day or two and then I was back to square one again in absolute bits...Once the trust is gone I dont think you ever can go back to how things were...Take Care

    Honestly, I would think that asking to see phone bills is an indication that trust is long gone, and if a partner asked me to show mine I'd say no even if i was 100% innocent, then again the OPs boyfriend is hardly acting innocent so it could be argued that the onus is on him to prove his innocence in this case


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    #71
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    OP I hope this works out for you but to be honest this still stinks to the high heavens. I can't help but think you panicked after you left him and any sort of half-arsed excuse from your boyfriend would've been enough to get you back.

    His over-reaction to that phone call is not explained by someone who's number has just been dialled by Mary from accounts. Why the lies, the shouting, the saying of hurtful things and the demanding that you apologise? I think you know this but you're not prepared to take it on board.

    Anyway you've made your decision now. I hope it works out for you whatever way it goes.


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    #72
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    OP I hope this works out for you but to be honest this still stinks to the high heavens. I can't help but think you panicked after you left him and any sort of half-arsed excuse from your boyfriend would've been enough to get you back.

    His over-reaction to that phone call is not explained by someone who's number has just been dialled by Mary from accounts. Why the lies, the shouting, the saying of hurtful things and the demanding that you apologise? I think you know this but you're not prepared to take it on board.

    Anyway you've made your decision now. I hope it works out for you whatever way it goes.

    I know. On thurs I was packing and almost ready for my new place. He had said he wouldnt be around and would leave me to sort my stuff. I wasnt panicking at all. When he arrived asking me to stay I'd very little time to think. A big part of me thought keep packing and leave. It was small part of me that gave in and gave him benefit of the doubt. I've been thinking have I done the right thing. But I cant keep thinking like this. I either have to leave and move on or stay and move on. I was leaving, literally an hour after he arrived I'd have paid the deposit. His overreaction was massive. I havent forgotten.


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    #73
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I'm very surprised op. How are things since? Has he been fully open? Is he expected ye to be intimate and just back to normal already? Do you trust him?


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    #74
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I'm very surprised op. How are things since? Has he been fully open? Is he expected ye to be intimate and just back to normal already? Do you trust him?

    He has been as open as he's going to get I'd say. I trust him but things are not the same.


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    #75
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    He has been as open as he's going to get I'd say. I trust him but things are not the same.

    As open as he's going to get? So he's holding back and not being completely upfront and honest?


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    #76
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Tasden wrote: »
    As open as he's going to get? So he's holding back and not being completely upfront and honest?

    He's saying the same about the call so I'll have to take his word for it if I stay


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    #77
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    I just want to say OP, that just because you were pressured into making a decision on the spot, it doesn't mean you can't change your mind.


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    #78
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    I know. I was under pressure to decide.

    Why were you under pressure? Couldn't you have moved out but stayed in the relationship?


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    #79
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    I know. On thurs I was packing and almost ready for my new place. He had said he wouldnt be around and would leave me to sort my stuff. I wasnt panicking at all. When he arrived asking me to stay I'd very little time to think. A big part of me thought keep packing and leave. It was small part of me that gave in and gave him benefit of the doubt. I've been thinking have I done the right thing. But I cant keep thinking like this. I either have to leave and move on or stay and move on. I was leaving, literally an hour after he arrived I'd have paid the deposit. His overreaction was massive. I havent forgotten.

    He wasn't exactly chasing after you begging to be given another chance. He waited until an hour before you would be completely moved out and up-ended your difficult decision to leave. He's churning up chaos again because he knows its far easier to maintain the upper hand over someone whose worn out, hurt and whose living situation is in limbo. It sounds like he cruely tested your boundaries and was surprised you were actually taking steps to leave so he reeled you back in when you were vulnerable.

    Even if he is genuinely apologetic and willing to work on his anger problems, you would have been in a far stronger position to be set up with your own separate accommodation. It would mean he would have to work harder to win you back and he'd know you were not going to take that kind of treatment again.

    Id be worried he now knows he can throw a hurtful damaging strop over nothing and there will be no negative consequences for him.


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    #80
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    You're right - things won't be the same again. What do you think you'll do next time you need to ask your partner a question he won't like answering? I'd bet the farm that you'll keep schtum for fear of starting another row. Am I right? I doubt it'll be over his phone though. He's not going to be leaving that lying around any more just in case you clap eyes on other strange calls/texts coming in.

    I get the impression you're not 100% happy with your decision to go back to him. That's OK..give yourself time to think and decide where to from now. If you find yourself treading on eggshells and afraid to make him mad you've got your answer.


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    #81
    Pippy1976
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Pippy1976


    Oh, God, as people will know from my (long, drawn out) story:

    DO NOT LET THE 'I'VE BEEN CHEATED ON IN THE PAST' NOOSE AROUND YOUR NECK HOLD YOU BACK.

    Your partner should not use that as a stick to beat you with. I think you should leave. This guy sounds like my ex: 'unless you do XX you can pack your bags and get out. Or, if you're not home, I'll throw your stuff out on the road'.

    Your story makes me nervous....


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    #82
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Just want to thank you all again. I know you're right and I'm kicking myself that I didnt leave that day. I really dont think I can spend the rest of my days with him. He has been ott a few times since I met him. The thing is I know I have the strength to move on and that he isnt the man for me.


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    #83
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    Just want to thank you all again. I know you're right and I'm kicking myself that I didn't leave that day. I really don't think I can spend the rest of my days with him. He has been ott a few times since I met him. The thing is I know I have the strength to move on and that he isn't the man for me.

    When you're leaving, do you have anyone who can come along and be a physical presence? Preferably a brother/cousin/male friend? Seeing as this guy has a bit of form, it's unlikely he's going to stand on the doorstep and wave as you drive away.


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    #84
    anniemay1948
    Registered Users Posts: 28 ✭anniemay1948


    Is it just me or does anyone agree that life was simpler before mobile phones??


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    #85
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    anniemay1948 - seeing as you are a new poster here, I'd ask you to take the time to read the forum charter before posting again. PI isn't a general discussion forum and such posts are not allowed. Please keep your posts on topic and relevant to the OP's issue in future.

    Regards,
    Mike


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    #86
    logic
    Registered Users Posts: 938 ✭✭✭logic


    Did he put you under pressure to make the decision "Now or never" type situation? Looking in from the outside its probably easier making the decision but I would have moved out for a while, even just to let him know how serious it was. Is the room gone now? If he hasn't done anything to make up for it, might be considering moving out for a while.


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    #87
    Hotman
    Registered Users Posts: 124 ✭✭Hotman


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    He said colleague was female, one he has mentioned before. But the spelling is way off which would be unlike him. No he didnt call anyone back. There's nothing coming up.

    He's lying. Ask him to text the number to say "i have a missed call from you sorry i was busy, whats up?" if he says no, he's pretty much up sh*t creek


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    #88
    jessiejam
    Registered Users Posts: 778 ✭✭✭jessiejam


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    Just want to thank you all again. I know you're right and I'm kicking myself that I didnt leave that day. I really dont think I can spend the rest of my days with him. He has been ott a few times since I met him. The thing is I know I have the strength to move on and that he isnt the man for me.

    You poor thing, I know a little about what being in your situation is like. The part in bold above is your decision already made about your relationship. If you feel you have the strength now, do what is right for you now. Because if he continues being "OTT" regularly and acting as you described, it will wear you down to the point you no longer have the strength to do anything about it.

    Being in a non trusting domineering relationship is wearing to put it mildly. You seem like a really nice person and i'm sure one day you will look back and realise that you made the right choice.

    Good luck


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    #89
    Pippy1976
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Pippy1976


    jessiejam wrote: »
    it will wear you down to the point you no longer have the strength to do anything about it... Being in a non trusting domineering relationship is wearing to put it mildly.

    Hit the nail on the head here. It'll wear you down.

    I can't understand why he went from zero to freak-out if he'd nothing to hide. There's something going on here and don't be the mug he makes you out to be by sticking around.

    Best of luck
    pips


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    #90
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Ye were right. I've left for good this time. At least now I know for sure that I've made the right decision. Thanks for all your advice 5 months ago!


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    #91
    allym
    Registered Users Posts: 1,368 ✭✭✭allym


    mazdaminx wrote: »
    Ye were right. I've left for good this time. At least now I know for sure that I've made the right decision. Thanks for all your advice 5 months ago!

    What happened to make you leave, 5 months later? Are you ok? Did things get better at all?

    Glad to hear that you've left though.


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