Fell in love with a rebound friend with benefits

ItsArabellaOh · 14-09-2014 6:41pm #1

Grab your coffee guys...

Around this time last year I was about 3 months out of a 5 year relationship with a guy who I loved but things just were not working out between us, he had kissed another girl on a night out and I just ended the relationship after that.

On one particular night out, I seen my ex with someone else in a nightclub. This was the first time I had seen him with anyone else and naturally it was a kick in the stomach. I continued on my night with my friends, not approaching or saying hello to my ex. Towards the end of the night..quite drunk at this stage I met a guy and ended up going home with him, absolutely not something I would do on a normal night, this was totally alien to me! I ended up passing my ex leaving the nightclub with this guy which was somewhat rewarding, ooops.

Anyway, I got back to the house with this guy and had a one night stand. Never had one before, totally not me but it happened, *claps** go meee. That night he took my number and made sure I took his. We both text each other all throughout the next day and every day after, crazy for a one night stand but there you go...He ended up asking me over to his house almost every night to watch tv and hang out and just to spend time together like you would if you were dating. I really enjoyed this and both of us clearly really liked each other a lot, he admitted he liked me and seemed head over heels about me.

he told me the night we met that he had just got out of a long term relationship as well not an escape something serious route because his ex was doing the "crazy ex texting" thing which I got a glance at, so just huge coincidence.

We both said we didn't want to get into anything serious because we had just left long term relationships, I wasn't ready for a boyfriend again just yet...But the sex we were having was the best, its definitely what made us contact each other again after the one night stand along with being attracted to each other and getting along great together in such a short space of time, of course.

This is were the whole fwb thing started which lasted a good 6 months, we saw other people during this time and agreed to each other that we weren't expecting anything from it, and of course I started to develop feelings for this guy mainly because we stupidly fell asleep cuddling each other afterwards and basically did everything in the list of "Not To Do" rules of FWB. The whole thing was exactly like we were dating but without the end result of a relationship.

Up until about 3 months ago he started seeing a girl while we still were still fwb and as things got more serious with them I obviously backed off a bit. However, we did hook up in the very early stages of their relationship, which I feel bad about now seeing as they're still together. He did mention starting to get feelings for me at one stage and stopping the whole fwb thing, not sure if he was serious or not. Long story short, We don't talk anymore, they're going out now and here I am with huge feelings for a guy I got on so great with and had such a good time with and who was head over heels about me at the start of this whole thing. I get a lump in my throat any time I see him. Don't get me wrong I'm seeing someone else, they like me and are a lot of fun...I'm trying over him but it's just not working. I can't get the other out of my head, I cannot get over him and its been 3 months!

I can't talk to him about it, what can I do?

Catari Jaguar · 14-09-2014 7:21pm

All you can do is talk to him about it. If he feels the same then that's great for you both. If he doesn't, then you have your closure and can move on. Make sure you want him for him, and not now because he's showing an interest in someone else and you want his attention back.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2014 11:07pm

OP, I think you just transferred the feelings you had over your ex (still unresolved clearly, as can be seen from the nightclub incident) to your fwb, and now have a major emotional confusion. I've done this before, with messy results ie. bouncing from one night stand (followed by feelings) to fwb (followed by feelings) all down to not having given myself time to feel and heal over the original ex (who the feelings were generated for in the first place).

I'm thinking it's easier for you to be gutted over the fwb (who was at least honest with you) now you don't see him anymore, than over the ex (who left you with unresolved issues.....inadequacy feelings maybe? Hurt that your love for him wasn't enough for him? Hate them feelings. Hate them a lot :-/ ). I'm sorry for your pain, but believe me (I have form with this...) you won't necessarily get a grip on yourself till you either voluntarily take a break and be single for a while, or go through more turmoil and potential heartbreak till you HAVE to stand back and reflect. I'd suggest the first option is less damaging to all.....

Good luck hon.

beks101 · 15-09-2014 5:28am

ItsArabellaOh wrote: »

Don't get me wrong I'm seeing someone else, they like me and are a lot of fun...

This is actually what stood out to me above all. Sounds like you're doing to this poor fella what was done to you by Mr FWB. In essence, stringing him along, albeit intentionally or unintentionally. Must you do that? Wouldn't it be easier and fairer on everyone to let yourself be single for a while til you get over/sort out the situation with the guy you actually have feelings for?

I dunno OP, I mean it seems as if this was a recipe for disaster from day one. FWB is a tough game to play that some would say is always destined to fail and that's why you have to follow a strict rule book with certain things - strictly keeping it to bedroom antics/platonic friendship outside of that being number one and not crossing over into vague boyfriend/girlfriend territory (no cuddling!). Not being emotionally fragile and vulnerable (rebound). Remaining emotionally honest throughout and communicating if and when feelings change. And not continuing with the same setup in such an event.

None of these were abided by really, were they? I mean you're fragile and probably a bit lonely and the confidence is low, you meet someone who makes you feel great and brings you up again, you have amazing sex, chemistry and connection with this person, do relationshippy things with them...it's hardly an unforeseen event that you would fall for them. I don't think I'd have the capacity to remain emotionally disengaged in that scenario and can't even wrap my head around how you'd manage to date someone else at the same time as this is going on.

I guess you have two choices - tell him and risk rejection, or don't tell him and learn to move on. No-one here can tell you that he'll turn around and tell you he feels the same and you'll go riding off into the sunset. From my reading, it sounds like he did a fairly decent job of keeping what you had compartmentalized and whatever feelings may have began to creep in may well have dissipated when he met this new girl. I mean, he chose to make her his girlfriend and not you, you know? That sounds harsh I know, but it speaks volumes.

djburchgrove · 15-09-2014 7:28am

Strike now while the Iron is hot, your chances are only getting lower and lower as each day goes by.

Reality is, even if it doesn't work out for you, don't think it will take you that long to get over him considering how well you coped with the first fella of 5 years with another girl.

From the sounds of it, I reckon he wants you too, but what the hell do I know really!

Give it a go, you'll regret not doing it.

Fell in love with a rebound friend with benefits

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