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I am devastated.

  • 09-09-2014 11:50am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I am devastated. The woman I love left me four months ago, after being together almost eleven years. Things had been strange for the first few months of the year, I noticed that she wasn't as warm and affectionate towards me, and I tried to let her know I didn't feel close to her. I guess I should have communicated my feelings better, it's never been my strong point. I really wanted to know what had happened and what we needed to do to get back to where we were before this, but I never seemed to express this clearly. Despite not feeling close because she seemed so distant, I still loved her deeply. I had been married to someone else before I met her and it hadn't gone well, that had just got worse and worse, and I stayed in it as we had children together, but eventually it was just destroying my soul, and we separated. Because of that relationship, I had become very disillusioned with love and my expectations had become very low. But that was all blown away when I met and fell in love with this woman, I never thought I could ever feel so much love for another person, and that it could last with the same intensity for all those years

    Throughout our years together, most of our time was wonderful, but occasionally we had arguments like everyone else, and on a couple of particular difficult times, we split up, but never for more than a few weeks and we got back together and things were as good as ever. I guess I thought this last time would be the same. I didn't want to split up at all, and she had always told me that she loved me completely, and if we were ever to part it would not be her that left. But in the end that was what happened. She left. She never really explained why either. We had a silly argument over something that wasn't important to either of us in the grand scheme of things, and she stopped talking to me completely for a couple of weeks. Later she said it really wasn't about that at all, but never really told me what it was about either.

    At first I thought it was temporary so I just kept trying to make contact, but her responses were just brief and polite, but engaging. As time went on, I started to realize she didn't seem to want to get back together, while I wanted to be back with her more than ever. Eventually she told me she didn't love me anymore, and she was seeing someone else. Despite having been apart for just over a month, my world completely fell apart on hearing this. She said she had moved on, and she wanted me to also. After a few days of total distress and being unable to go to work, I unhappily started to get on with my life. I though the fact that she didn't want me anymore would put a line under it, and I would be able to move on. And for a while I thought I was managing to do this. I got rid of everything that reminded me of her and tried to find other things to occupy myself and it seemed to be working, and I hadn't heard from or contacted her for three months. But in the last couple of weeks I've reverted back to being totally devastated. I realize I love her just as much now as always, and I just can't seem to move on. It almost feels like the woman I was meant to spend the rest of my life with died; yet I know she's out there somewhere, and I'm no longer important to her. My life seems pointless now. My children are in college now, so they're not dependent on me really, and I'm beginning to consider that if I'm going to feel like this forever...



    OP, I've snipped a couple of points from your post so as not to influence the advice being given. If you'd like further clarification, please feel free to message me in confidence.

    Regards,
    Mike


Comments

  • #2
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. Your post was heartbreaking and your pain is palpable.

    It doesn’t sound like she’s ever coming back. It was over for her for a long time before she actually walked away it would seem, evident by the fact that she was in a new relationship so quickly after the breakup.

    She walked away when you thought she never would, and you’re right - it is similar to a bereavement. Perhaps you should treat it as such and be kind and patient with yourself accordingly. You’ve lost the most important person in your life and with that your hopes, dreams, aspirations and plans for the future. You’ve lost a piece of your heart.

    I have no real advice to offer except those old words, ‘this too shall pass’. You’ll probably never be the same again, you’ll perhaps become more cynical and guarded and closed off to the idea of falling in love, but you WILL build up a new life without this woman and you will reach a ‘normal’ again. You’ll start to think about her less with time - perhaps every second minute instead of every minute. Then once an hour. Once every couple of hours. Then once a day. It’s a long and painful process and you can’t cheat your way to a place where it doesn’t hurt to breathe - you just have to sit it out and surround yourself with as much love and comfort as you possibly can.

    Talk to your kids. Call them, email them, take them out for dinner, help them with their college work, spend time with them. It would upset me indescribably to know that my own father was going through something like this and felt so alone in it. They will want to be there for you in whatever way they can - give them that opportunity.

    Take good physical care of yourself as best you can, even if it feels like you’re a robot going through the motions. Eat regular meals, drink lots of water, steer clear of the booze, get your 8 hours. All of these things will stand to you in the long run while you’re dealing with the grueling emotional and mental side of things.

    Your life isn’t over, you’ve just had one very big door slam in your face in the most unexpected and painful way, as often happens in life. Another one will open and you will move on, as will your ability to cope and eventually, embrace your new life. All the very best.


  • #3
    Sparkles78
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭Sparkles78


    OP Im probably not much help but just want to say I'm going through similar only I was the one to jump into another relationship and all that did was to distract me from getting over my LTR, your ex may be doing the same. I stupidly thought I was fine about ending my LTR but all it did was postpone the feelings & everything caught up with me months later & hit me like a tonne of bricks.

    I posted here a few months ago. I'm 9 months out of a 17yr relationship & the only advice I can give is to keep busy, talk to friends if you can or even a counsellor? I'm 3 weeks going to a counsellor now as I felt the same as you. I literally felt stuck, couldn't move on with my life or see any future. You are going through a grieving process. You may not think it now but things will get more bearable as time goes on. Id literally cry for 3 days in a row then feel a little better & then go back to crying for the littlest thing that reminded me of my ex. It's a long process but it does get easier. Take care of yourself OP


  • #4
    mrty
    Registered Users Posts: 139 ✭✭mrty


    I'm just so sorry to hear that. My own ex did the same we were only together for a few years so I am in no way comparing the two, I just hope things get better for you and you can start to feel happy again.


  • #5
    Bafucin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 642 ✭✭✭Bafucin


    This happened to my parents a few years ago. My mother left and went to London for a while. I don't want to get your hopes up but they did get back together. However I would say you need to feel alive in your own skin and life again.

    I would ask people around you to support you in this time. Your children may not need you but you need them and you should tell them. You have to treat this as a time to explore you as you are now. Who are you now? Consider counseling.


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP back again. Thanks for all you have said everyone, and especially beks101. I'm still in very bad shape I admit, getting worse by the day really, so I have arranged some counseling as advised and am going on medication also to help keep me from doing something stupid. Thanks for your words of support again.


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  • #7
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    OP back again. Thanks for all you have said everyone, and especially beks101. I'm still in very bad shape I admit, getting worse by the day really, so I have arranged some counseling as advised and am going on medication also to help keep me from doing something stupid. Thanks for your words of support again.
    For what its worth OP i can empathise with everything you say...going through the exact same (for last 3 mths) but we were together much longer...I have no advice for you but you are not alone..after a bereavement /serious illness this must be one of the most hurtful and painful situations to go through IMO..just want to say that you are not alone...best of luck


  • #8
    TheBeardedLady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,086 ✭✭✭TheBeardedLady


    I'm really sorry for your situation, OP. I can't imagine what you must be feeling after 11 years. It will take a long time to feel better again but you will get there. I'm so glad you're availing of some counselling. Have you got friends you can confide in?


    You won't feel like this forever but it will take time. You'll be okay.


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